Meant for More

by Liza James

  I gasp, my head falls forward while my hands reach back toward him. One wraps over his thick thigh, gripping tightly while the other fists his shirt and pulls him closer. I'm breathing heavily, my shoulders rising and falling with each breath and rapid beat of my heart.

  I should be quiet, I know I should. Shit, I have no idea if there are camera's in this studio or not. But in this very instant? I don't even care. And I can't help the moans and whimpers escaping my lips uncontrollably.

  I look down and watch his hand move beneath my leggings, feeling the way his finger pumps inside of me and then out again. He shifts incrementally to the side and is suddenly sliding two fingers up to my clit and back down again, slipping through my wetness and dragging it along my pussy.

  He slips them down to my core again, and just before he pushes two inside of me, I grip his wrist in an anticipation. I'm nervous, but god I want more of him at the same time. This is the closest I've ever felt to getting off and I don't want to stop now. But I halt his movement out of nerves, cautioning his name on lips without an excuse. I don't know how to tell him I've never been with anyone before...that I don't know exactly how this will feel or how I'll react.

  He must feel my hesitation, because his other hand drops from my chest and reaches around my side to grip my thigh. He tugs me even farther apart, pulling my leg to the side so I'm spread wide open for him. "I know you want more," he whispers while his same hand travels up to my center. "You're so wet, Bloom. Every moan, every shift, every time you move against my touch while I fuck your pussy." His other hand slips inside of my leggings as well and uses it to work over my clit while he continues teasing my core with two fingers. "Tell me what you want, baby."

  "Yeah—" I cry out, rolling forward while watching his hands move against me. I wish I could see everything. I want to see how wet I am, how much he's touching me, I want to watch his fingers slide in and out while he plays with my clit.

  Fuck, I want to watch him while I come.

  "Yeah what, Bloom? Tell me exactly what you want me to do." He presses against me just a little bit, slipping only the tips of his fingers inside of me before pulling out again.

  My cheeks heat, my skin aches and my chest is on fire with need and desire. But a wash of nerves and embarrassment rolls through me as well, I've never done anything like this before. I've never said the things he wants me to say.

  "Ah," I start, forcing the words to form in my mind. His lips brush against my jaw again, and I turn toward him, that instant draw pulling me closer to his lips. We've never kissed before, and while I've definitely thought about it, I've never needed it as much as I do right now. "I want—"

  Suddenly, before I can even finish attempting to speak, his lips are mine. An explosion of electricity and energy blasts between us. It wars, colliding in chaotic flashes of desire and the sweet familiarity of home.

  This feels like home.

  Shit, I can't explain it. But his teeth pull at my bottom lip as he sucks me into his mouth, I whimper when my hands reach out for him, sliding around his neck while I pull him closer to me. One of his hands pulls out of my leggings and immediately lifts to my jaw. He yanks me against him and I lean forward, shifting us around until he's straddling the bench and I'm straddling him while we face each other.

  His tongue sweeps inside of my mouth, his fingers biting into my skin in a touch that's dominant and assertive. I'm at his mercy and this is exactly where I'd like to die.

  I can feel his cock against my pussy now and I move against him, grinding over his length while he rolls forward and against me. We work together, and his free hand now grips my ass in order to control the pressure and rhythm of our movements.

  "Wait, wait. I need to tell you something," I say quickly as I try to briefly break our kiss. It's painful, severing this moment for something that doesn't feel incredibly important. But I know it is, and before this goes too far, I need Carter to know I've never slept with anyone else.

  He's attentive though, and instantly slows everything down while his gaze remains on me. His blue eyes are dark now, a deepening shade swimming with temptation and power. He's waiting, his rough touch turning gentle and expectant while he waits for me to continue.

  "I know we've never really talked about this before. But I've never slept—"

  My phone rings loudly in the heated silence, blasting through our haze of tension and desire. I instantly know the person who's calling because I set the ringtone specifically for her.

  Liv.

  It shatters everything in a single moment and I flinch at the painful interruption as I fall back on my ass as if getting caught.

  "Shit," I mutter as Carter launches forward to offer me a hand and pull me back up. "Shit, shit shit." I stammer out, ignoring his touch and quickly scrambling to my feet. My hands fly to rest on my head as the cloud of sexual need vanishes and is replaced by the horrendous embarrassment and guilt of what we've just done.

  I turn around and walk toward the sink, realizing I've left my clay on the wheel behind me. So, I turn around, and find Carter picking up my phone and answering Liv's call. I stalk toward him, waving my hands recklessly while mouthing no over and over again.

  His hand darts out so quickly I can't avoid it. He grips my shoulder in one movement and then twists me around and against his chest in the other. His fingers slap over my mouth to keep me quiet, his frame pressed tightly against my back while he speaks to our best friend.

  I shouldn't notice this, I shouldn't think of this at all. But I can't help it. I can smell myself on him, my own wetness, the proof of what we've been doing tainting his skin like a sin. I can taste myself on my lips, and my pussy throbs in need at the subtle reminder.

  "Hey Liv," he answers casually, and I'd like to say I hear a thread of guilt in his tone—but I don't. "Yeah, I've got her. She's been at the studio. Yeah. Okay, I'll bring her back in a few." He hangs up and slowly peels his hand away from my mouth. My tongue slips over my lips and my shoulders absently melt against his hold. Fuck.

  I force myself out of his hold and turn around, he offers me the phone and I take it quickly, shoving it into the side of my leggings while I go back to gather my clay and tools from the work table.

  "Bloom," he speaks my name on a gentle but firm demand and I want to avoid his gaze all together, but I can't. I turn toward him, sucking in my bottom lip and biting down while I wait to see what he says.

  Does he regret this? He likes Liv, I know he likes Liv. Shit, I hate myself for getting caught up in what could potentially be.

  "Don't," I start, holding up my hands in surrender. "We don't have to talk about this, Carter. Okay? This—" I stumble around the room, filling my arms up with items to carry back to the sink. I rush past him, ignoring his gaze and deciding this was, in fact, a mistake. I'll own it for the both of us. "This shouldn't have happened."

  "Wait a second," he interrupts, but I cut him off. I have to, I can't let this go any further than it already has. My head is spiraling, rampant thoughts rushing in and reminding me I like Benj and Carter likes Liv.

  We were never supposed to happen. We would have by now if we were.

  "No. This was a mistake, Carter. Shit, I know you and Liv are together." I finally admit, turning to meet his now cautious gaze head on. "Tell me that isn't true? Tell me you and Liv don't feel anything for each other aside from the friendship we've always had."

  Silence.

  Tense, heavy silence spills between us and damn, it hurts more than I realized it would. His face pulls tight, his lips a stark line across his face while his hand lifts to scrub over his jaw.

  "It's not that easy," he finally says. And that's the only answer I actually needed to hear.

  "It is though," I whisper, my lips pulling into a sad smile while I turn around and begin washing my hands. I put all of my tools where they belong as Carter steps up beside me and reaches out to grip my waist. But I pull out of his hold and turn toward him, placing my hands between us in order to keep him
away. "No. Not this, Carter. We can't do this. You have Liv, and I have Benj, okay? I like him."

  Carter's eyes narrow in disbelief, his shoulders tensing at my words and admission when he dips down to look at me completely. He bounces between my gaze, searching for the answers he thinks he actually sees. "Liar," he bites out finally. "No fucking way does Benj make you feel like I just did."

  I lean away from him, widening my own eyes at his confident remark. "Seriously, Carter? Why? Because Benj and I haven't hooked up like that yet? Well, give me a fucking second alone with him and maybe we will—"

  His hands launch out as he wraps around my neck and yanks me against him, he stalks us backwards, step by slow, intentional step until my back hits the wall behind me. His fingers force my face up to look at his and he leans even closer so his lips brush against my own while he speaks. "No, not because of how we just hooked up, Bloom." He kisses me, his lips moving against mine in a collision of angry heat. His tongue slips out and trails across my lower lip before biting down until it stings.

  He pulls back, "Because of how this feels. It's different, Bloom. I know it is, you know it is. Maybe I hadn't seen you like I do until last night, but I've always noticed you. I've always been drawn to you. I'm hung up on this craving I have for your taste, Bloom. It just took me a while to finally fucking see it. And that's something you'll never have with Benj. I can promise you that."

  Shit. Shit. Shit.

  My head is a whirlwind of guilt. Mass pains of shame at what I've done, how I've betrayed my best friend rip through me.

  But there's something else as well. Something I'm trying so incredibly hard to ignore. A tiny shard stabbing into my veins, leaking into my blood, infecting my head and skin and heart with a draw toward someone I should stay away from.

  Hope. Connection. Undeniable attraction.

  I shake my head, burying those thoughts and feelings so far down they'll never resurface again. Carter pulls up to the Theta Si house—he refused to let me drive myself home after today—and I open the door to his Jeep and jump out without a word.

  "Bloom!" he shouts as I slam the door behind me and hurry toward the front door. "Bloom! For fuck sake, turn your ass around right now." He's rolled down the window and shouts even louder, his voice booming with an anger that sends shivers across my spine.

  I halt my steps and slowly turn to meet his gaze. It's intense, and fire blazes behind in both a darkness and hunger I haven't seen from him.

  "We'll be talking about this. You can run away for now, but I'll find you." He speaks in dry intervals, enunciating his words with his own determination. A shot of fear sparks in my chest, because I know he isn't lying. I know he'll corner me and force me to face this whether I want to or not.

  I don't reply, instead I turn quickly on my heels and hurry inside the house. A few girls are still up and in the living room, chatting while the TV quietly hums in the background. I avoid them and race up the stairs, positive I'll be able to sneak into my room and go to bed without having to talk to anyone. Thank god, I want to sleep this off before I confront it.

  Shutting the door behind me, I lean against the wood and let my head fall back against it with a quiet thud. A sigh of relief falls out of me, one I didn't even realize I was holding until I'm in the comfort of my own space and bedroom. No one is here, it's just me and my thoughts and my familiar corner of the house.

  Knock knock.

  Fuck.

  Before I can even answer, the door is being pushed open and I stumble forward as Liv steps inside of my room. I turn toward her, and my heart sinks at the expression on her face.

  Her eyes are red and swollen with her own tears. She's wearing Carter's clearly oversized and worn out Cardinal sweatshirt. It hangs to her bare knees and she races forward as she throws her hands around my shoulders.

  "Bloom," she whispers, pulling me against her while I wrap my arms around her waist. "I'm so sorry about today. Benj told us what happened."

  Of course, he did. I knew that was how Carter found out, but I wasn't sure on it. I can't fault him for that though, he didn't know how to handle the situation and Carter does. Or well, did know how to. I wouldn't say what transpired tonight was the best method for handling anything.

  "Thank you," I reply, unsure of how to navigate this. Seeing her in Carter's sweatshirt is a painful reminder of what I've done. What him and I did together. Hell, even hugging her like this, while she's supporting me and being here for me—it stings in guilt more than anything.

  She leans back and holds her sleeve covered hands over my cheeks, pulling our foreheads together while she holds me. "I wanted to go with Carter tonight, but he wouldn't let me. He said he had to do it on his own. I hope you know I would have been there in a heartbeat if he'd let me."

  Jesus Christ. Tears prick my eyes as she speaks. I just want to be alone. I need to figure out how to tell her what happened.

  And yet another part of me is thankful Carter said that. The fact of him knowing how important those moments of us hiding away together were growing up. That he understood this had been between him and I, and while Liv has been a part of every other moment, these experiences with my father were personal to Carter and I alone.

  "I know," I reply quietly, tipping up and pressing a kiss to her forehead before pulling away. She smiles, but her eyes glance down over me quickly and suddenly narrow in confusion.

  "What the hell happened to your clothes, Bloom?" she asks, motioning her hand up and down my frame. I look down, confused as well until I realize how my shirt is crusted with clay and stained with water. My black leggings are an absolute disaster as well, and my arms are covered in remnants of the sins we committed tonight.

  My heart races, pounding rapidly against my ribs while I scramble to figure out the right thing to explain this. Shit.

  "Ah—" I start, brushing my hands down my arms while bits of clay fall to the ground around me. I scan around my room, desperately looking for a sweater to throw over my head. I find one, a Theta Si hoodie and begin pulling it on as I finish. "—I was angry when Carter got there, trying to make this stupid bowl that kept collapsing. I threw a bunch of stuff and made a mess, clearly." My head pops free of the hoodie and I meet her eyes again.

  She's still doing an expression of confusion while her arms cross over her chest, but her face quickly clears and she laughs. "Seriously? I assume you finally finished it though, right?"

  My cheeks heat and a red flush works up my neck and shoulders. "No," I reply, trying to lie as little as possible. Even though I know, logically, it doesn't fucking matter. I've already lied about the most important piece. "I couldn't do it. I was too frustrated. I'll try again this week though."

  "I'm sorry for everything that happened today, Baby Bloom. You know I'm always here to talk or vent or binge Netflix all night, okay?" She smiles sweetly and turns toward my door, pulling it open and looking back over her shoulder at me. She pauses before speaking, looking down for a moment before meeting me with hesitant eyes. "I love you, and it's because of our friendship that I want to be completely honest and transparent with you, okay?"

  Oh, God.

  "Of course," I reply, my voice quiet and lilting up in a higher pitch unintentionally. I'm terrified of what she's about to say and my head is already scanning through every possibility. But I already have a feeling I know what she wants to confess.

  Don't say it, not yet. Not tonight.

  "I know it's always been the three of us—me, you and Carter. But, lately, I don't know how to explain it. I've been feeling differently about him." She shuts the door again and decides to face me. My heart pounds and sinks at the exact same moment. My stomach twists in shame and the feeling of something is being ripped away from me. Something that was never mine to begin with.

  "O-okay," I finally stammer out. Turning away as I walk toward my bed and pull back the covers.

  "As in, I have feelings for him. Like, more than friend feelings, Bloom." She explains even further, as if I
didn't understand. I know what it looks like, that maybe I don't. But it's the fact of knowing far too well what she's saying that makes this so incredibly painful.

  I just want to be left alone.

  "I know what you're saying," I reply as kindly as I possibly can. I use every ounce of intent to force a casual tone but it's difficult, and I pray she can't pick out the hurt in my voice as I speak.

  "You're okay with it? I mean, I know you like Benj, but we're the trio, you know? This is a little different." She looks down and fidgets with the hem of Carter's hoodie. Even her wearing his clothes, smelling like him, marking herself in him, it's difficult for me to not focus on.

  I'm silent for a few moments, working to phrase my thoughts the best I possibly can. "We can't be the trio forever, Liv. I get that," I finally respond, the words slipping out of my mouth after being forced up my achingly strangled throat. It hurts to speak right now, to feel anything at all.

  She smiles though, a bright and happy expression that sends a bolt of jealousy through my chest.

  Jealousy. Fuck. I have nothing to be jealous of. I shouldn't be feeling this way in the first place.

  "Thank you, thank you!" She turns and pulls open my door again stepping out before turning back and smiling again. "I love you, Bloom. Let's get coffee in the morning."

  I nod, forcing a fake smile across my lips when she finally shuts the door and leaves me alone.

  Everything hurts. All of it. Every agonizing thought of earlier today with my father, every ache for the one person I can never have, the betrayal toward my best girl friend. A hurricane of bad decisions and reminders crashed into my world today.

  Nothing is fixable. It simply is. It only exists in this life I've found myself in, where I've lost the threads of control I maintained.

  All I can think about now, is how can anything get any worse than this?