The Magnolia Chronicles: Adventures in Modern Dating

by Canterbary, Kate

  It was absolutely unlikely. It was also the best outcome of a very bad thing.

  "We have bigger problems than hating you," Lauren said. "Like the fact my house doesn't have floors yet and we're moving out of the loft at the end of the month and having a baby right after that. Those are real problems. Floors are problems."

  Shannon dug inside her bag and retrieved her phone. "Tell me who I'm yelling at and I'll yell."

  Andy reached across the table and plucked the phone from Shannon's hand. "We're not doing that, sweetie." She leaned closer to Lauren, wrapping her arm around the woman's shoulder. "You have subfloors. I know they aren't the reclaimed wood Matt promised you but those will go in soon. It will be done and buttoned up, even if I'm putting down the flooring myself."

  "And I'll be there unpacking for you," Tiel added. "I know Riley is working on painting a mural for the baby's room."

  "And I'll be there with my whip, cracking it as necessary," Shannon said.

  "And I'll have the landscaping done later this week," I said. "I'll come over on moving day. I can bring a firefighter and an investment banker with me if you need extra muscle. They both have plenty to spare."

  "Oh my god, that would be awesome," Tiel cried. "We can judge them!"

  "I love judging men," Shannon mused. "Objectification is an essential element in taking down the patriarchy."

  "I'm sure that makes sense to you," Lauren said to her.

  "You know what's funny?" Andy asked. "My phone autocorrects fuck the patriarchy to fuck Patrick. There's a statement about something in there but I haven't decided what it is yet."

  "Aaaaand you're cut off," Lauren said, snatching Andy's champagne flute.

  "Scorecards," Shannon continued, ignoring her sisters-in-law. "Ranking criteria." She nodded to herself, humming. "This is outstanding. Let's make this happen."

  "It's not like I don't have a plan for finishing your house and getting you moved in," Andy remarked. "But sure, let's invite Gigi's boyfriends over for a meat market. That's far superior to my strategic timelines and critical threshold planning."

  "I know you have a plan," Lauren replied. "And I can't even explain how much I appreciate your plan and everything you've done to help me and Matt. I'm just…I'm feeling some pressure."

  "Are we talking deep, twisting pressure or my soul is telling me to nest pressure?" Shannon asked. "Because there's a difference, and if it's the first one, we need to start timing that shit."

  "It's not the first one," Lauren said, laughing. She patted her belly again. "This kid is high and tight. Not ready to go anywhere."

  "Let's not eliminate the possibility," Tiel said. "You're talking to two women who went from living their pregnant lives to birthing babies in the span of twenty minutes."

  "Yeah, I know. I don't really want to hear that right now," Lauren said. "Can we go back to talking about my house now and how Andy saved the day?"

  "Jumping in on projects is my favorite thing," Andy said. "Even if it is because Matt crammed the shit out of his schedule these past months and hasn't had time to sleep, eat, or breathe. He did it so he'd have more flexibility when the baby arrives and I can't fault him for that. Even if he did fall asleep in last Monday's morning meeting."

  "The amazing part was how he stayed asleep for two hours after the meeting ended," Shannon added. "Just sitting there in his chair, arms crossed over his chest, dead to the world."

  "Wait. What are we talking about?" Tiel asked.

  "Lots of things," I replied. "It's all good."

  Lauren snatched the champagne flute from her sister-in-law. "You're cut off."

  "This event you're going to," Shannon started, "what are the details? I have a few shops in mind but I want to make sure I'm operating with the right idea."

  I nodded. "The investment banker, Rob—"

  "The one with the big cock," Andy added.

  "Yes. That one." I gave her a smirk. "Rob's ex-girlfriend and his ex-best friend are having an engagement party. They're getting married."

  Shannon blew out a breath. "I have an idea why they're his exes."

  "Yep." I stared at my plate and the half-eaten French toast there. Why eat when you could talk to the best ladies in town? "He's doing okay but it's a tricky situation. Definitely not ideal. He needs this party to go well."

  "And you need a killer dress," Andy said. "Lethal."

  "We should call April," Shannon murmured, her empty glass dangling between her fingers. "Lethal is her first language, middle name, and last known address."

  "I don't know April," I said. "I feel like that might be a good thing."

  "My husband's business partner's girlfriend-slash-common-law-wife," Shannon replied as if that made perfect sense. "I don't think I'm supposed to tell you that she's an assassin. I don't think I'm supposed to know that either."

  Lauren gestured for Shannon's glass. "That's enough. You're cut off."

  "Can I have my phone back so I can call April?" she asked.

  Lauren wagged a finger at Shannon. "No. Eat something, would you? I don't want to hear your husband complaining about us getting you liquored up again. He was not happy the night he picked us up from the pedicure place."

  Shannon shook her head. "Nah, he'll just get me pregnant again. He's been thinking about it. I can tell."

  "In the shower?" Tiel asked.

  "Are these promises or threats?" Andy asked.

  Shannon speared a piece of my French toast off my plate and popped it into her mouth. "Yes and both."

  "Right, so we're not calling April the assassin," I said, laughing. "The party is black tie and I want his exes to know exactly what they lost when they fucked him over. Like that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts goes back to the boutique that wouldn't serve her."

  "'Big mistake,'" Lauren said, quoting the film.

  "'Big. Huge,'" Tiel added.

  "You like the one with the cock," Shannon said.

  I pressed my hand to my chest as I laughed. "For the record, they both have cocks."

  "The one with the impressive cock," she clarified. "And don't tell me they're both impressive. I'm sure the firefighter knows how to work the hose."

  I nodded, my cheeks heating. He did. He really did. "I do like the one with the impressive cock, yes."

  "And you like the firefighter too," Lauren said.

  Another nod. "I do."

  Shannon held up her hands, letting them fall to her lap. "You could just have two men. Don't make yourself sick trying to choose. Even if I'm excited by the prospect of a meat market and some scoring criteria, that doesn't mean you have to make a decision."

  "They're a lot to handle on their own," I admitted. "I couldn't imagine them together. It would end in a mushroom cloud of testosterone."

  "No, I wasn't suggesting you have them together," Shannon replied. "Just have two boyfriends. There's nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people do that or something like that. If we're placing value judgments on anything, I'd say that's an improvement over randomly fucking your way through hookup apps. But there's nothing wrong with the random fucking if that works for you."

  "I thought about that, about having two boyfriends. It's been on my mind this week," I said. "I thought I'd feel totally conflicted and horrible about things…progressing…with both of them. But I didn't feel any of that. I like them both. I like who I am with each of them. I don't want to give up either of them. It hurts me to think about not having one of them in my life."

  "Then don't," Tiel offered. "Do your thing, girl. Get it."

  "I will but…but I don't want to do it forever," I said. "Or even much longer than the summer. I adore them both and I hate the idea of giving one of them up but this is project management. I do enough of that during that day. They're a lot to juggle."

  "Dicks are difficult to juggle," Shannon murmured. "Balls are easier."

  "I mix up things constantly," I continued. "I forget what I've said to which guy. I forget which person I'm meeting for dinner or whe
ther I've asked one of them about their work thing yet. It's fun but I'm not cut out for long-term polyamory. Honestly, neither are they. They're a little unchained when they remember they're not the only dude in my life."

  "That's their problem," Tiel said. "Not yours. They need to handle themselves without putting pressure and baggage on you."

  "They do," I said. "Really, they do. Some of the baggage is part of the bargain. Ben can't forget his grandmother died. Rob can't forget the people closest to him betrayed him. I can't forget that I've been burned too many times to trust fire."

  "I know all about burns," Tiel replied. "I know how tough it is to tolerate heat."

  I stared at her chin-length black hair as she tapped a beat on the edge of the table. Was she making a pointed comment about me and how I forced her into the fire? Or was this another instance of me jumping to the worst conclusion and assuming everything was about me?

  "It sounds like a lot of work," Shannon mused.

  "Yes," I agreed. "They're not meant for a poly situation either. They didn't actually choose that. None of us did. We just fell into it and now we're tunneling out. The whole thing is messy. It's going to be messy until it ends and it will probably be messy after that point too."

  "I think you might know," Lauren said softly. "I think you know and you're bracing yourself against the pain and upheaval of that choice."

  Andy pointed at Lauren while looking at me. "She's mad smart when it comes to this stuff. She understands relationships and knows what should happen next. You should listen to her."

  "I do understand," Lauren said, laughing. "But only when it comes to everyone else's relationships."

  "I'm hoping the choice makes itself," I admitted. "It's probably silly but I'm waiting for a sign. Something that helps me figure out how to go forward without hurting anyone or getting hurt myself."

  Lauren, Andy, Shannon, and Tiel were quiet for a moment. They studied the plates in front of them, the empty glasses Lauren had commandeered, the mason jar in the center of the table filled with gorgeous peonies. They remained silent while the reality of this crazy, sexy, fun situation settled around them and they understood it to be more heartbreaking than anything else.

  It was wonderful to have these men vying over me. It was a dream come true. But it was complicated and someone was going to get hurt. Maybe several someones.

  And in the back of my mind, I worried I'd make the wrong choice. I worried I'd live my life wondering about the one I gave up.

  I had to be certain. If I wasn't, I couldn't choose either of them. And that was just as painful.

  Shannon cleared her throat. "You're going to need a killer dress but you're also going to need us. Bring them to Matt and Lauren's house on moving day. We'll help you." She shrugged. "Worst-case scenario, we send my husband to interrogate them. Or challenge them to some commando drills. They can do it shirtless and we'll go home and attack our husbands. It will be fabulous. Everyone benefits in that scenario."

  Lauren hung her head. "Oh my god. Shannon."

  Even though I wasn't in third grade anymore, I raised my hand. "I would enjoy that."

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Ben: Hey, girl. Any chance you have room in your shower for me?

  Rob: There's a new poke bowl spot near my building. Interested in trying it out?

  Magnolia: Greetings, friends.

  Ben: Not the group text of death.

  Ben: Please.

  Ben: I'd rather the middle finger emoji.

  Rob: Are you done yet?

  Ben: I'm done with you.

  Magnolia: Yeahhhhhhhhhh so I'm spending the night with my dog and Netflix. I'll catch up with you two later.

  Rob: You know where to find me.

  Ben: She knows where to find both of us, dickhead. The finding has never been an issue.

  Rob: Thanks for clarifying that, Brock. Helpful.

  Magnolia: Goodnight!

  * * *

  Ben: I know I said I wanted to work on the house tonight but I don't want to.

  Magnolia: That's fine. No worries.

  Magnolia: Is everything okay?

  Ben: Yeah.

  Magnolia: I'm not going to pull teeth, Brock.

  Ben: My grandmother's headstone went up this morning and I've been parked in the cemetery since then.

  Magnolia: Oh, honey.

  Ben: No, it's nothing. I just don't want to do shit right now.

  Magnolia: I understand.

  Magnolia: The Sox are playing tonight. Want to order pizza and watch the game at my place? Gronk will be wearing his home game bow tie.

  Ben: Don't you have tickets?

  Magnolia: My brother is taking a client to the game.

  Ben: What kind of work does he do? And which brother are we talking about?

  Magnolia: Ash is an accountant. He and my dad work together. Linden is a tree doctor.

  Ben: Which one has the tickets?

  Magnolia: Ash. Linden will tell you his clients are trees, so…

  Ben: Okay, let me get this straight. You're a landscape architect and one of your brothers is a tree doctor? How did you get so earthy-crunchy?

  Magnolia: I hope you're typing earthy-crunchy with love.

  Ben: Always.

  Magnolia: We're the children of hardcore hippies. My parents kept chickens looooooong before it was cool and we all knew how to play the ukulele by the time we were 5.

  Ben: That's special.

  Magnolia: Yeah. I had a variety of opinions about it at the time but now I know it was a good way to grow up.

  Ben: Okay, tell the truth. The accountant brother is the boring one, right?

  Magnolia: I wouldn't say boring. He has different interests and priorities. Just like me and Linden, he's focused on his work and believes in what he does. Even if he takes himself a bit seriously.

  Ben: Hey. Listen. I have to pass on the game. I'm not going to be good company tonight. Give my regrets to my boy Gronk, would you?

  Magnolia: I'll tell him.

  Ben: We'll connect after my next few shifts, okay?

  Magnolia: Take care of yourself, Brock.

  * * *

  Rob: I read an article about some kind of gypsy moth invasion hitting the region. Does that sort of thing impact your work?

  Magnolia: Um, yeah. Somewhat.

  Rob: Is this an interesting topic for you?

  Magnolia: lol, interesting? It's probably as interesting to me as rumors of a recession are to you.

  Rob: Fuck, no, we're not discussing this.

  Magnolia: It's bad enough to keep it in the back of your mind, right?

  Rob: Totally. It's dangerous to even put those thoughts into consciousness.

  Rob: I read an article about a new breed of hydrangea bushes. Is that safer?

  Magnolia: Where the hell are you getting your news?

  Rob: So, that's a NO on the hydrangea conversation?

  Magnolia: Good effort, Russo. I'll give you credit for that.

  * * *

  Magnolia: How did you get that scar on your cheek?

  Ben: Flew over the handlebars of my bike when I was 9. The bike pedal clipped my face in the wreck. Fucked me up real good. Broke my eye socket.

  Magnolia: Eek. That sounds awful. I'm sorry.

  Ben: No sweat. It was almost 30 years ago.

  Magnolia: But you remember it vividly.

  Ben: Like it was yesterday.

  Ben: I guess some shit sticks with you, huh?

  Magnolia: It does.

  * * *

  Ben: You're one of the most competent people I know so I figure you might have an answer for this.

  Magnolia: Competent. That's a high bar.

  Ben: It's a compliment.

  Magnolia: Yes. As only you can deliver them.

  Magnolia: How can I help you?

  Ben: Do you know a lawyer who does wills and estates? Because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I feel like I'm going to vomit every time I try to figure it out by myself.<
br />
  Magnolia: I know a lawyer but she specializes in real estate. I'm sure she can give me some referrals.

  Ben: Thank you.

  Magnolia: Anytime.

  Ben: Why do you do that? Why do you help?

  Magnolia: Why not?

  Ben: Because people are terrible and they'll fuck you over.

  Magnolia: No matter what happens, I won't fuck you over.

  Ben: Why not? You could.

  Magnolia: Because I won't. Because I don't want to do that to you, to anyone. Because I've been fucked over and I won't repeat that.

  Ben: You should be obnoxious with all your Helpful Hannah bullshit. You're just fucking precious instead.

  Magnolia: …thanks?

  Ben: Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm angry and I'm dumping it on you.

  Magnolia: I know.

  Ben: I am sorry.

  Magnolia: I know that too.

  * * *

  Magnolia: I have a question with two parts.

  Rob: Yes and yes.

  Magnolia: Sadly, my dear, those are not valid answers but great job with the consistency.

  Rob: I'll take the points wherever I can get them.

  Magnolia: It's funny you say that.

  Rob: Which part?

  Magnolia: About the points. I'm not keeping score.

  Rob: Yeah, I know. I didn't mean actual points.

  Magnolia: I know. It's funny because I rarely think of you working for the points.

  Rob: …if that's a statement about me being a rad guy, I'll take it.

  Rob: If it's a statement about Brock working for his points, I'm going to pretend I didn't see it because I think it's better I know nothing more than the extreme basics.

  Magnolia: You're a rad guy, Rob Russo.