Wrong Side of Heaven

by Riley, Gia

  I’m a selfish man. A man who needs a girl who’s young enough to be his own daughter. I’ve never looked at Winnie that way. If I did, I’d have locked myself in a cage and thrown away the key. But I’m not a damn monster, just like she’s not trailer trash to prey on.

  Winn’s special. She’s all I have left. And I’m getting her out of Carillon if it’s the last thing I do. One way or another, we’re going to disappear.

  No more good-byes.

  No more heartache.

  Just me and Winnie.

  Forever.

  I take a step closer to the bedroom door, opening and closing my fist a couple of times. Once some of the nervous energy disappears, I turn the knob.

  No expectations, I tell myself.

  Whatever Winn wants, I’ll give it to her. And, whatever she’s scared of, I’ll protect her from it.

  “Expect nothing. Earn everything,” my best friend always told me.

  Mick was right. It’s so much easier that way. Less disappointment. Fewer letdowns. More peace. Though I don’t think I’ll ever be at peace as far as his death is concerned.

  Someday, when the time’s right, Tess will pay for destroying that family. I’ll set her up with a one-way ticket straight to hell. She’ll end up on the wrong side of heaven where nobody can hear her screams.

  I push the door open, and the breeze through the window hits me in the face. It’s a small room, no place for her to hide. I check under the bed and in the closet anyway because I’ve found her in those places before. But, this time, she’s not hiding. Winnie’s gone.

  They’re calling for storms tonight, but I leave the window open anyway. If Winnie comes back, I want her to have a way inside. I doubt she will because I told her a million times that it’s not safe to stay with me. She usually listens to my warnings, but in the pouring down rain, she might not have any other choice than to come back. And I’d never yell at her for trying to put a roof over her head in the middle of the night.

  I’m so distracted, trying to figure out why she ran and where she went, that it takes me almost ten minutes to change my clothes, put my riding gear on, and clean up my helmet. It’s humid as hell, but if I go outside without being covered, I risk Tess or Jax seeing me. As long as I’m living in the park, I have to stay undercover. Even when it’s late and I’m tired.

  Before I go outside, I glance out the front window and spot Jax sitting on the porch. Tess is on her way home from The Whip, heading toward the trailer. She’s walking too straight to be high, so it must have been a slow night.

  Jax has what she wants waiting for her inside and stands up when he sees her coming. He knows better than to show up without the goods. If he does, she’ll leave and screw someone else to get it. I guess Jax likes getting used as much as Tess likes using.

  I hop on my bike and fly by her. There’s no way Winnie’s inside the trailer. After my shift, I’m buying her a cell phone. And then I’ll track her down and bring her back home with me. I don’t care if she wants to come or not. I can’t take this disappearing shit. I need to know Winnie’s safe before I get myself killed.

  Twenty-Four

  Winnie

  I’ve been awake for about an hour, and when I open my eyes, I am so surprised the sun is out that I think I am still sleeping. Surely, I have to be dreaming because I haven’t gone a night without a bad dream in years.

  Not worrying about the bells and being nestled in Jasper’s arms gave me a sense of security I’d forgotten existed. For a couple of hours, my problems vanished, and the only thing I had to worry about was sleep. Even the threat of Jasper’s mom finding me in her son’s bed was less worrisome than any night at home. I half laugh at how absurd that is. I actually have typical teenage problems, and I feel almost normal.

  “Jasper,” I whisper, “are you awake?”

  I’m pressed against his smooth chest, the scent of his body wash still all over his skin. Besides brownies baking in the oven, I think his soap is my favorite smell.

  I haven’t made brownies since I lived in the apartment with Dad. I used to always unwrap Kisses or throw some M&M’s in the batter. Sometimes, I’d get a chocolate bar and do big chunks. Dad said you could never have too much chocolate. He was right. He was always right about everything.

  Tess doesn’t let me have chocolate inside the house. Just looking at it sends her into a fit of rage, and if she found any I’d tried to keep hidden, she’d throw it into the street. Eventually, a car would run it over, and the stray dogs would lick it all up. I read an article once that dogs aren’t supposed to eat chocolate, so I don’t try to sneak any into the house anymore. I hang on to my happy chocolate memories and let the real thing go.

  “Jasper,” I whisper again, a little louder this time.

  “Hmm,” he mumbles and squeezes me tighter.

  A little smirk stretches his lips into a grin, and I smile. He still wants me here, and that means more than any melty piece of chocolate ever could.

  “It can’t be morning yet, Winnie. I’m still tired.”

  He’s tired because we stayed up half the night. If we didn’t have to worry about getting caught, I’d stay in Jasper’s arms all day, listening to his heart thump against my cheek. The gentle tapping’s my favorite lullaby. Even without a single lyric.

  “I have to get out of the bed, Jasper.”

  “You gotta pee?”

  We both laugh. His eyes aren’t even open yet, and he’s already the best part of my day.

  “I’m fine, but I need to get out of here before your mom finds us.”

  Why can’t life always be this good? Why can’t I climb through his window every night?

  Jasper lets me move over top of him, but when I’m about to roll off his body, he grabs my hips and opens his eyes.

  “Are you okay?” he asks. “Finding you on the floor. You sleeping with me. Last night was—”

  “Intense.”

  “Yeah, intense,” he repeats. “I’m glad you came here though.”

  If he knew what I had done before I ran through the trail and climbed through the fence, he’d eat his words. Nothing about kissing Trey makes me feel good about lying in bed with Jasper.

  Jasper’s my age, and what we’re doing is right, accepted even. But Trey, he’s off-limits. When I kissed him, he wasn’t supposed to kiss me back. He was supposed to pull away and tell me that he couldn’t. At least, that’s how I had seen it going in my head. But I was young and stupid, and I had taken a chance. Now, I have no idea where things stand with Trey. I’m not even sure what I want from him. Maybe all I need is to hear him say that we’re okay, and then I can go back to the way things were before I screwed them all up.

  I kissed Trey. I really did it.

  I lick my lips, remembering how his tongue felt when it rubbed against mine. I’d never had butterflies that strong or felt a tickle that low in my belly. Trey sucked all the air from my lungs, and then he breathed the life back into me. When he pulled away, he wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for it to end either. The only reason we stopped was because that guy came storming into the trailer. Trey could be in a lot of trouble because of me, and all I can think about is what would have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted.

  How far would Trey have gone?

  If I had waited for him like he told me to, I might have spent the night in his arms instead of Jasper’s. Now, I’ll never know what his arms felt like, wrapped around me, because I freaked out, and then I ran away.

  He’s probably so mad at me. All I can picture is him running out of the trailer, looking in every direction for me, panicked that I’m on my own when I was barely clothed and still bleeding from the cuts.

  He’s going to kill me. Trey cares for all the right reasons, and maybe I already ruined our friendship, but I’ll beg him for forgiveness. One kiss can’t ruin everything. I won’t let it. Even if it was the best kiss I’d ever had.

  Trey’s lips.

  His tongue.

  His hands.
r />   “Winnie,” Jasper says. He’s out of breath. “Tell me what you want.”

  I didn’t even realize I had been doing it, but my hips are grinding against Jasper. The shirt I’m wearing—Jasper’s shirt—is bunched up around my waist, and my panties are peeking out. If the blanket wasn’t between us, he’d feel the dampness between my legs. And I’d feel all of him.

  “Jasper, I wasn’t…I didn’t mean to.”

  Trey’s the first guy I’ve fantasized about. The only one I’ve been able to trust and separate from the nightmares. The ones that happen while I am awake, not the ones that haunt me when I close my eyes.

  Jasper digs his fingers into my hips and groans a little bit. “I’ll make you feel so good, Winn.”

  Winn.

  Trey’s the only one who calls me that. Everyone else says Winnie. Still a nickname, but what I go by in school and everywhere else. For some reason, Jasper shortening my name seems like a slap in the face to Trey. Another reason for him to be mad at me.

  Anyone else who spent the night with Jasper would repay him. If I were like all the other girls in our grade, I’d take my shirt off and throw it on the floor. My bra and panties would follow, and I’d ride Jasper, letting him touch me wherever he wanted. But, every time I think about sex, Trey’s face stares back at me. He’s the one I’m imagining myself with. Not Jasper.

  I debate on letting Jasper have me anyway because he’s done everything right. I can’t though. Not until I talk to Trey and figure things out.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I didn’t mean to.”

  Jasper gives me a little nod and then sets me on the bed. He climbs out, wearing nothing but a tight pair of boxer briefs, and I can’t stop staring. He’s hard from me rubbing all over him.

  My face flames. I feel my cheeks heat up to a million degrees, so I cover them with my hands. I slept an entire night in his arms, yet it still seems wrong to look at him. We’re friends, and if I want to keep things that way, I can’t be half-naked, grinding all over him.

  I say, “I’m sorry,” again—my favorite phrase—and wait for him to say something back.

  He grabs my wrists and pulls me into a standing position. And then he slides his hands up my bare legs. His fingertips flirt with the edge of my panties, and I cover my face with my hands. Peering through the crack between my fingers, I see him staring at me.

  “Don’t hide from me, Winnie,” he says.

  My hands end up pressed against his chest, and the familiar warmth calms me down. He doesn’t take it any further, just keeps brushing his fingers back and forth over the same spot, waiting for me to make my mind up. I thought I already did, but the same energy I felt for Trey last night makes an appearance.

  Jasper’s right in front of me, and Trey’s competing for my attention at the same time. Their faces are a merry-go-round in my brain, and I don’t think it’s ever going to stop spinning in circles.

  His hands squeeze my butt, and he nudges me closer. The same impulse that pushed me toward Trey’s lips has me standing on my tippy-toes, dangerously close to Jasper’s mouth. He leans in even closer, and before we meet in the middle, nervous energy swallows me up. I take a step backward. Suddenly, my feet are stuck to the ground, and my lips won’t even part to speak.

  I’m scared. I wasn’t scared to kiss Trey, but being with Jasper terrifies me. It should be the other way around. Jasper should be the easy choice. He’s someone my own age, someone I can be seen with. Someone who wants me and treats me like a princess.

  There must be something terribly wrong with me. Letting Jasper down guts me, and all I want to do is lock myself in the bathroom and go over the lines on my legs again. It’s been less than twenty-four hours since the last cut, and I don’t even care. Those marks aren’t meant to ever heal. They are meant to be red and angry like my soul.

  Jasper’s eyes flicker with understanding, and when he realizes nothing’s going to happen, he stops touching me. His hands hang at his sides, and the look of disappointment on his face almost makes me throw up.

  “I want to kiss you,” I tell him. “I do, Jasper.”

  “But you can’t,” he says. “Or you won’t.”

  I look around the floor for something more to put on. I can’t have a normal conversation while we’re practically naked. Not that it’ll be any more normal once I’m dressed. I’ll still be keeping secrets from him, and we’ll still be no closer to what Jasper wants.

  “It’s not like that. There’s so much that you don’t know.”

  “Then, tell me,” he says. “Make me understand. Have I ever made you feel like you can’t be honest with me?”

  “No.”

  “Kiss me, Winnie. Just once.”

  “I can’t.” I don’t debate it. The words just fly out of my mouth, hurting him even more.

  But I can’t touch Jasper. Even if kissing Trey was nothing other than another complicated layer of regret, it would be wrong to let Jasper think I was ready for more when I wasn’t. If I do kiss Jasper someday, I need it to be for the right reasons and not because I feel guilty for leading him on.

  “Don’t you feel anything?” He says it like I must be crazy for not wanting him.

  But I do want Jasper. I’m just not sure what to do about Trey or if there’s anything for me to do at all. Maybe he’s already forgotten about the kiss, convincing himself it was nothing.

  He hasn’t. There’s no way, Winnie. You’re you. And he’s him. We’re more than a forgotten moment of time.

  Without thinking, I wrap my arms around Jasper’s neck and hug him as tightly as I can. “I feel everything, Jasper.” I mean it. I’m not just spitting out words to make him feel better.

  My heart’s thumping. My stomach’s in a giant knot, and I don’t want him to ever let go of me. I’ve already gotten so attached to Jasper in such a little amount of time, and that scares me more than kissing him ever could.

  Attachment means loss, and loss means loneliness, crying over the best parts of my life that are continuously being taken away from me. I wouldn’t survive if I lost Trey and Jasper, and now, I’ve messed things up so badly with both of them.

  I need them. I need Jasper in ways Trey can’t relate to—teenage things, like school and work at The Whip while being underage and trying to stay off the radar so that Ace doesn’t get in trouble. Preparing for senior year of high school and figuring out what we’re going to do with our lives after graduation.

  Just like I need Trey for the parts of my life that Jasper can’t understand. Trey was Dad’s best friend. He’s been around Tess, and he knows what I’m dealing with in the trailer. Sure, Jasper’s seen enough to have a pretty good idea of what I’m up against, but we don’t have history. And Jasper doesn’t have a gun.

  Jasper holds on to my waist and waits for me to say something. I’ve been staring at him long enough that I should have so much to say, but my decision hasn’t changed.

  “If I don’t kiss you right now, you’ll still talk to me, right? We’ll still be friends?”

  “Winnie,” he says with a little shake of his head, “I want you to kiss me because you want to. Not because you feel like you have to.”

  Jasper walks to his dresser and pulls out a pair of shorts. He gets dressed first and then hands me a pair to put on. They’re huge at the waist, but when I roll them a couple of times, they have half a chance of staying up.

  His answer makes me want to throw up, and he said nothing about staying friends if I don’t want to be with him. I’m about to lose my only friend because he wants more than I can give him. He doesn’t understand that it’s not about attraction.

  Jasper’s tall, sweet, gorgeous, and everything I’d want if I were looking for a boyfriend. Maybe, someday, I’ll have one, but right now, I can’t give him that kind of commitment.

  A kiss leads to sex, and sex leads to relationships. Jasper doesn’t strike me as the type to sleep around. When he finds someone he likes, he probably sticks with her and devotes all his tim
e to making her happy. He’s done that with me, and we’re not even dating, so I can only imagine how intense and consuming being with him would be.

  He’s so wrapped up in us that he doesn’t realize that dating me would be the equivalent of going to jail. Agreeing to date Jasper would be like me walking him into a cold, dark cell, locking the gate, and throwing away the key. I’d strip him of his happiness before he ever saw it coming. My life’s too messed up to ever be considered normal, and bringing another person to the dark side would be stupid and selfish.

  Maybe that’s why I kissed Trey—because he already knows what hell’s like. Boundaries are blurred because he’s been walking through fire with me for months. When I think of safety, I see his face and hear his voice. He’s the calm in the storm. The center of a hurricane where all the rain and wind cease to exist.

  I hate that I’m comparing the only two people in my life. It’s not fair to have to choose. I don’t know that I can choose. It’s not like I can have Trey. He’s wrong to want, yet he feels more right than any decision I’ve ever made. I don’t regret the kiss. Regretting it means I’d take it back, and I wouldn’t. The only thing I regret is putting the frown on Jasper’s face. I’d take back all the hesitation and each questioning glance I threw at him, and then I’d kiss him with everything I had just to see him smile.

  On the verge of tears, I take one more look around and then open the window. Jasper doesn’t try to stop me.

  I can’t look at him when I say it, but I know he’s listening. “Being in your arms was like being wrapped up in happiness. Thank you for the best night I’ve had in as long as I can remember.”

  “You don’t have to leave, Winnie. That’s not what I want.”

  “But it’s what I have to do. Find someone who can take care of your heart and give you what you need. You deserve so much more than anything I can offer you.”

  I’m petrified of climbing down the side of the house, but I don’t even hesitate. I can’t. If I get scared, I’ll have to ask Jasper to sneak me out the front door, and I can’t make him do that. He’s risked enough for me.