by Riley, Gia
“Turn around, Winnie.”
She lets go of the door and slowly faces me. Her hands are clasped in front of her to keep them from shaking, but I notice the tremors anyway. I know she wishes her cheeks weren’t red or that she weren’t so nervous. Other than the fact that she’s wearing some other guy’s clothing, she’s perfect just the way she is.
“What?” she asks when I don’t say anything.
I can’t. I’m too busy staring.
“I thought you wanted me to leave?”
I never want Winnie to go away. She’s the first thing I think about in the morning and my reason for functioning as well as I do throughout the day.
After every shift, no matter how tired I am, I hop on my bike, get my ass back to the trailer, and try to figure out where she is and what she’s dealing with. As long as Tess is semi-conscious and behaving, I leave things alone. When Tess is passed out, I actually relax a little bit. But, if she’s lit, then I get her out of The Whip or off the street—wherever she’s raising hell—and try to give Winnie some peace of mind. Those are the nights that haunt me the most and I’ve risked blowing my cover more times than I can count. But it’s worth it.
“Tell me about Jasper,” I say, hoping that talking about him will loosen her up.
She looks surprised, like that’s the last thing I’d want to know about. “He goes to school with me. That’s about all we have in common.”
I’ve already found out about Jasper on my own, but I want to hear what Winnie thinks. Her opinion is the one that matters. They’ve been around each other enough that she has a pretty good understanding of what makes him tick.
When Ace agreed to let Winnie work at The Whip, Jasper was never in the equation. Ace didn’t even bring up the fact that he let him in the building, let alone put him to work. But, as usual, nothing ever goes as planned.
“Is he a good kid?”
Kid. That’s exactly what he is. What Winnie is, too, and all the more reason I have no business getting in the middle of their relationship.
Before Winnie says another word about him, I tell myself that I’ll back off, give her some space even. I’ve never been good at either of those things. But I’m not stupid. As selfish as I am, Winnie needs friends her own age. People she can relate to and depend on, who won’t get her into trouble. Because, if Jasper does, I’ll kill him. Simple as that.
“Jasper’s nice, Trey. He helps me. There’s nothing much to say really.”
“Helps you? What do you have to do for him?”
“I already told you, he lets me stay with him. And, whatever you’re implying, you can forget it. I’m not like that.”
Winnie getting worked up over a question is a dead giveaway that something did happen between her and Jasper.
I’m afraid to ask, but I do anyway. “Did you sleep with him, Winn?”
She nods, and my chest gets tighter. My pulse hammers in my ears, and I’m pretty sure I’m on the verge of doing something stupid. I want to kill that little prick for touching her.
“How many times?”
“Twice,” she says.
“Was that your first time?”
Her eyes grow wide, and then she buries her face in her hands. “Oh my God,” she mumbles.
It takes her a little bit to look at me, and I think she only does because her shorts start to slip. She folds the waistband over another time, showing off more of her thighs. I can’t stop staring at the smooth olive skin above her knees. If I ran my tongue over it, I’m sure it’d be even softer than it looks.
“I didn’t have sex with Jasper. We slept together in his bed, but that’s all that happened.”
She explains the night like she’s in trouble. Maybe she is. I haven’t decided what I’ll do to the guy who steals all her firsts. With any luck, it’ll be Jasper, and at least I already know where to find him—right on the other side of the fence.
If I want to get mean about it, I can even make his brother pay. Chances are, I won’t do that because Ace was nice enough to agree to let Winnie work for him. Because of that, I think I might actually owe him. I haven’t owed anyone a damn thing my entire life. That’s not how I operate. For Winnie though, I’d strike deals all over town if it meant she’d catch a break.
Plus, I can’t risk Ace telling Winnie the truth—that I’m paying Ace her hourly wage to work at The Whip. Ace couldn’t legally put her in the books, and paying her under the table could get him shut down, same as with Jasper. As long as there’s no proof that Ace has paid Winnie a single cent, he lets her work. It’s not the ideal place to have her make money, but it’s close to the trailer park, and I can send in whoever I want to monitor the situation. I wouldn’t be able to do that at the grocery store or the movie theater. Only shady establishments make shady deals.
Nothing about Jasper had better be less than legit.
“Jasper didn’t lay a hand on you?”
“No,” she says so quickly, I believe her. “We cuddled a little bit. I know you don’t want to hear that, and I hate telling you.”
I believe that, too. She’s damn cute when she rambles though despite the dark circles under her eyes. Winnie doesn’t get enough sleep. Her lids are always heavy, and if she wasn’t such a good girl, I’d think she might be on something. It sure as hell is right under her fingertips. Between Tess and every bitch who dances at the club, she could get her hands on anything she wanted.
Drugs have never been a concern with Winnie. Her poison is razor blades, and that’s just as bad, if not worse. You can’t hide drugs. As hard as you try, that shit eventually catches up to you. The high follows you everywhere you go, like a curse that can’t be broken. I see it every night of the week. Guys who once had their shit together slowly unravel, and before they know what’s happening, their lives are over, and they’re too far gone to ever get back on their feet. It becomes easier to stay fucked up than to try to get sober. Because, when you’re sober, you feel all the things you’re trying to numb.
Winnie numbs herself with razors. She hides the cuts better than her dad hid his track marks. I hate how good at it she is. She lives by the out-of-sight, out-of-mind motto. If nobody can see them, the problem doesn’t exist. But she sees them. Every day of her life, she’s either looking at the scars or slicing them back open. With every cut, she makes a new memory to erase the old. One problem stacked on top of another. If she’s not careful, she’ll build a wall so high, she’ll never be able to climb over it.
“Does Jasper know about the cutting?”
“Yes,” she admits honestly. “He doesn’t like it either.”
Good. At least we have one thing in common. Well, two. She’s obviously the other. But guys don’t care about girls for no reason. He’s either getting something from her, whether it is a boyfriend title or a promise, or thinks he can in the future. At his age, his thoughts revolve around sex, and I’d put nothing past him.
“Is Jasper your boyfriend, Winn?”
She rolls her eyes, and it’s the equivalent of a punch to the gut. She was never sassy with me before, but until now, we’ve never kissed or talked about her sex life either. Now, we’re having this conversation because of one damn kiss that never should have happened.
“Are you really that clueless, Trey?”
Clueless? I think I’m pretty up-to-date on the fact that she’s been spending time with some punk who probably doesn’t deserve her.
“Say what you have to say, Winn. Spit it out.”
Listen to me, I’m having a pissing match, and like a selfish asshole, I won’t believe it until I hear Winnie say that she’s with someone else. Getting stabbed would probably hurt less, but at least, if she’s with Jasper, she won’t kiss me again. And I won’t be stupid enough to let her or cross the line and kiss her back.
Winnie’s stubborn though. When she wants something, she’s the most determined little thing. She might only weigh a hundred pounds, soaking wet, but she stands her ground, just like she is right now. I love that
about her.
And then she goes and crosses her arms over her chest, pushing up her tits. The rest of her might be tiny, but she’s not lacking in the chest. Her shorts hang off her hips, and she yanks them back up, so her stomach’s not showing. Winnie has curves in all the right places. She’s turning into the most beautiful woman, but she’s not eating enough. If she were with me, I’d tell her to gain ten pounds. Maybe fifteen.
“What are you staring at?” she asks.
“You need to eat more.”
I don’t know why that makes her so mad, but she practically growls, and then her bottom lip trembles. Before I know what’s happening, she has tears dripping down her cheeks.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because I lost all the money you gave me, and I haven’t been to the grocery store. I was afraid to tell you.”
“What do you mean, you lost it?”
“Jax tore my room apart when I wasn’t home, and he gave all the money I had saved to Tess. You can guess what she did with it.”
Tess will pay for stealing from Winnie. Jax, too. The girl has next to nothing, and I’ve made sure she always has cash because Tess couldn’t give two shits whether Winnie is taken care of or not.
“When did you last get paid at The Whip? Last night?”
“I haven’t gotten a check from work yet.”
That makes no sense. Ace has the money, and I gave him explicit instructions to pay Winnie after every shift. I wasn’t sure how often she’d be able to work or if she would stick with it. At least, if she got money daily, her pockets would be full. Because I know her; the second things didn’t work out at The Whip, she’d walk out and never go back for what was owed to her.
“If I went across the street, would I find food in the house?”
She looks away from me, and I have my answer before she whispers, “No. Tess barely eats anymore, and when she does, it’s at work. I’m pretty sure she throws it all up anyway.”
Tess throws up because her system is so jacked, her body can’t tolerate anything but the drugs. Food should be welcomed, but it’s switched spots with the drugs. Nutrients have become foreign bodies that can’t be broken down. The chemicals are accepted instead.
“Winn.” It’s a plea. Some kind of warning that I’m on the verge of pulling all my hair out and punching the wall.
And, after I unleash my anger, I’ll wrap her up in my arms and promise her that this isn’t how it’s always going to be. As soon as I can, I’ll get Winnie out of here, and we’ll never look back. We’ll go someplace better where Tess and Jax don’t exist. Carillon will stay in the rearview mirror, getting smaller and smaller as we drive away.
I want to tell her all of that, but I can’t. Because, if I can’t keep my word, she’ll be crushed. And any chance Jasper stood will be gone.
“Trey?” She says my name so sweetly, and I want to yell about that, too.
I don’t because I picture her hungry instead, curled up in her bed with the covers pulled over her. She doesn’t get any sleep, and her growling stomach must keep her awake all night.
“I’m getting you a phone, Winn. No more bullshit.”
“No!” she pleads. “If Tess finds it, she’ll steal it. Anything valuable is drug money; you know that.”
I do know that, better than anyone, but for her, I’ll break rules. Logic flies right out the window, and all I care about is her.
“You lean on Jasper. Lean on me, Winn. Don’t make me beg you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks.
“It means, you don’t call me when you need me. You climbed out of my window last night and disappeared.” I take a deep breath before I explode.
I thought I had a handle on everything. I was doing a pretty good job of taking care of her, but I’m failing left and right, and now, she’s turning to other people for the things I should be giving her.
“I’m sorry, Trey. I shouldn’t have left. And, when I did, I should have left you a note.”
“But you did anyway. Now, you’re telling me you spent the night with Jasper and how Jax robbed you. Ace never paid you. I trusted you, Winn. I trusted you to depend on me and tell me the truth. I can’t make things better if I don’t know they’re fucked up.”
She takes a step closer and then stops. “You do help me. You do more for me than anyone has ever done. Even my own parents.”
“Then, why was last night different? Why are you keeping things from me?”
Another fresh round of tears falls, and she sobs so hard, she hiccups. It kills me, destroys me, to see her so worked up.
“Because you’ll get yourself killed, Trey. If your head’s not in the game, you’ll die.”
Nobody has ever cared about me the way she does. I’ve been on my own since I was sixteen; maybe that’s why I’m so invested in helping her. Because I know how hard it is to make it on your own. I never want her to feel so lonely or afraid that she doesn’t want to live anymore.
“I’m not going to die, Winn.”
“You can’t promise me that, so don’t say it. Everyone who matters leaves me. My life is such a mess, but you have bigger problems than mine to deal with.”
I close my eyes and try not to release the anger building in my chest. She’s so clueless sometimes. For a girl who gets straight As and has more street smarts than she knows what to do with, she’s blinded by fear. Fear that I’m partly responsible for. If I hadn’t told her how risky my job was, she’d have opened up to me.
“Your life isn’t a problem, Winn. It’s a priority. My only priority these days.”
“If that’s true, then why did you hide your identity? You’ve been living across the street and didn’t tell me. Don’t you think that’s valuable knowledge that would have given me peace of mind?”
I want to wipe away her tears and then kiss the rest off her lips. I swear, they’re the perfect shade of pink, and they get even darker when she’s worked up, like she’s been kissing me for hours and all the blood’s rushing to the surface of her skin.
“I explained my reasons. I’m not hiding, Winn. All I’m trying to do is keep you as safe as I can.”
“I believe that, but I know more than you think. I can handle whatever’s going on, Trey. You just have to let me in, like you’re telling me to do with you. I need that.”
It takes all I have to keep my feet flat on the floor. I want to pick her up and carry her to my room. Her faith in me, the devotion, blows my mind.
“I don’t think you realize how serious things are, Winn. There are men who spend their entire day keeping track of me, protecting me from the bad guys. If I were followed here and you were in my house, those bad guys would take you as collateral because that’s what would hit me the hardest. You’re not a possession, and I don’t own you, but you’re valuable to me. Because of me, you’d suffer—or worse.”
“I don’t care,” she says. “It can’t get much worse.”
I grip her arms so hard, she winces. “Don’t you ever talk about dying, Winn. If you die, I’ll follow you. Losing my best friend was hard enough, but you? I wouldn’t survive that.”
“That’s how I feel about losing you, Trey. Maybe, now, you’ll understand how I feel.”
God, she has no idea how she slays me. The way her entire heart bleeds out in the open for me. I’m not worthy of that kind of love, but hell if I don’t want it.
“I hear you,” I tell her. “Fuck, do I hear you. But nothing changes. We keep playing by my rules and stay safe. The both of us.”
“I’ll try. But there are things you don’t know about me. I have secrets of my own that could destroy you, too. So, maybe we’re even after all.”
My grip on her loosened, but the second she mentions secrets, I’m back to pressing my fingertips into her skin. I don’t deal well with hidden truths.
“What are you talking about, Winn?”
“Nothing,” she says. “I’m just being dramatic.”
I might have believed her
if she had looked in my eyes when she said it. The fact that she looked away and stared at the wall gave her away. Winnie’s hiding something, and I’m going to find out what it is.
“Don’t hide from me.”
She shakes her head. “I’m not. I’m right here, Trey.”
Her eyes sparkle, still overflowing with tears. She’s trying so hard to cover up what slipped out, and I have a feeling it’s because I’m responsible.
“You’re lying. And you know how I feel about lying. Tell me I’m the reason you’re so fucked up. That I didn’t do my job, and I ruined you.”
“Fucked up? That’s what you think of me?”
“Shit, no. But, babe, it’s not normal. What you do, you have to stop. I need you to stop because I don’t know how to help you.”
Even my reasoning is selfish. I don’t tell her to stop because it’s what’s best for her. I tell her to stop because I’m not strong enough to deal with it. Drugs, I understand, but the cutting is rooted deep within her soul. And I’m pretty sure the reasons would be the equivalent to me overdosing.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
She licks her lips and swallows. “You called me babe.”
“What?”
“You said, babe. And then you said, I’m not normal.”
“I didn’t say you’re not normal. I said what you do isn’t normal. There’s a huge difference, so don’t put words in my mouth.”
Fuck, I called her babe. What the hell is wrong with me?
“I’m not putting words in your mouth. Why do you get so mad at me? Why does talking to you hurt me so much?”
She’s clutching her chest and rubbing her palm over her heart. I’m causing her physical pain, and that’s the last thing I ever want to do. I know why she feels that way. I feel it, too, and that’s why my next words are so honest.
“Because I love you, Winn. With every fucking stitch of who I am. But my love is never going to be good enough for you.”