by Riley, Gia
“Don’t say that,” she says. “Please. You’re all I have.”
“I’m failing you. The trailer. The money. The job. Tess. Jax. All of it. I thought I was helping you, and all I’m doing is hurting you.”
Shaking her head, she reaches for my hand. “No. You save me. You keep saving me. Despite what you think, I don’t cut because I’m lonely or because you lied about where you lived. I cut because I can’t get the hands off my body. I have bad guys after me, too, Trey. Whether they get into my room or not, they’re always touching me, reminding me of how much they stole. Maybe I’ll never stop cutting, but I’ll always love you.”
“Winn,” I whisper. I never whisper. She’s just shocked me into submission. “What hands?”
“His. Theirs. All of them.”
Before I can stop her, she runs out of the trailer, sobbing. My feet feel like they’re stuck in wet cement, and peeling them out takes longer than it should.
I grab my helmet off the table, throw it over my head with the shield flipped up, and run after her. She’s in the driveway by my bike when I catch up to her. I grab her arm and then pick her up. Her feet keep moving even though they’re not on the ground anymore.
“Stop fighting me, Winn.”
She punches my back and kicks her legs. I take every blow, not feeling an ounce of my own pain, only hers.
“I cut because I can’t get the hands off my body.”
“Put me down, Trey.”
We’re outside, in plain daylight. I put her down for appearance’s sake only.
“Talk to me.”
She’s shaking again, and I stop caring about where we are or what I’m doing. I turn my back toward the street and flip my face shield up since it fell down, and then I grab Winnie’s face in my hands. Then, without giving a shit who sees us, I bring my lips to hers, and we share our second kiss.
“My shorts,” she mumbles against my lips.
I reach down and pull them back up. They need to go. If I take her back inside, I’ll strip her down, and I’ll show her what it’s like when a real man makes love to a woman he can’t live without.
She might have initiated the first kiss, but this one is all me. This one is to show her that I want her, too. That I believe in her, and I’m not going anywhere.
“You own me, Winn.”
“Trey,” she whimpers.
It’s the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard.
Twenty-Six
Jasper
I tried to go back to sleep and pretend like Winnie hadn’t just walked out of my life. She thinks she’s no good for me, that she has nothing to offer other than problems and headaches. She’s so wrong. Winnie doesn’t understand that she’s the only part of the day I look forward to.
Mom’s busy with Lydia most of the time, and when she’s off the clock, she’s with her boyfriend. Ace practically lives at The Whip, and that leaves me with a lot of time to do my own thing.
A couple of weeks before school let out, I made all these big plans to follow the guys to the shore. On a whim, they decided to pack up their shit, drive the two hours to the beach, and get jobs.
“It’s our last summer of complete freedom,” Eric told us as he stood on top of the kitchen chair for added effect. “Next year, we’ll be going off to college, and we’ll have a million things to do. Who knows when we’ll all be together again? We either go big or go home.” He raised his red Solo cup in the air and then chugged its contents.
They decided to go big while I decided to stay home. Together, they pooled their cash and made enough to cover food and gas. Since they’re crashing in Eric’s family’s cottage, there’s no rent to pay. Whatever money’s left over is for fun, and with eight of them in one place, I’m sure they’re raising a lot of hell.
For weeks, I acted like I was going because I didn’t want them to call me a pussy or a punk. But leaving Mom all alone didn’t sit well with me. Dad had left her, and I couldn’t do that to her, too. Not when she’s so wrapped up in Ace’s life and my life. She’s always helping us out, but who would have her back if I were gone?
Plus, the whole car thing was weighing me down. It was either one summer of total chaos and fun or staying home and saving up for the car I desperately needed. If I had gone to the beach, I’d never have saved up any money. I’d have blown it as soon as it was in my hand, probably on alcohol and pizza—the typical beach diet.
Mom knew how bad I wanted to go with the guys, and she felt guilty about the car. “You’re only young once, Jasper. You shouldn’t miss out,” she said. “And I hate that I can’t buy you a car like we did for your brother.”
When Dad had still been living with us, they had taken Ace to the dealership and let him pick out whatever he wanted. That’s how Dad always was—full of surprises, flashing his money around, loved to spoil his kids and his wife. But he hadn’t just spoiled us; he’d spoiled his girlfriend, too.
Sometimes, I think Mom misses him, and other times, I think she just wishes she could forget he ever existed. Maybe she’s been lying to me, but she says she has no idea where he ended up or what he’s doing with his life. Mom thinks he might have remarried by now and could live on the other side of the country, so we’d never cross paths. Ace thinks he still works a boring nine-to-five in the city and hopes his dick shriveled up and fell off. Me? Well, I think he’s a coward, and I don’t really care what he’s doing. The day he walked out on his family was the day he lost me as his son.
Maybe that’s why I’ve connected with Winnie so easily. Neither of us has a traditional home life, like most of the other kids our age—or at least, my friends. I think I hide mine pretty well, especially at school, but Winnie would have to be a damn magician to make her problems disappear.
I don’t know how she does it. If I had to watch my back the way she does, constantly worrying about falling asleep in my own bed, I probably would have run away by now. She can’t close her eyes without fear, and when she does, she’s passing out either from exhaustion or hunger, whichever claims her first.
More guilt washes over me. Winnie has so much on her plate, and what did I do? I pressured her to kiss me and made her life more complicated. Like a dick, I was selfish, implying that I wouldn’t talk to her anymore if she didn’t want me. That’s not how I feel at all. Not even close.
I can’t explain exactly what was going through my head as I looked at her. I just knew that I didn’t want her with anyone else. The thought of her climbing in bed next to some guy who wouldn’t treat her as good as I would irritated me. Winnie might think she’s not good enough, but she has it all wrong. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve her. But, even if she’s not ready to be with me, I won’t be able to live with myself until I talk to her and smooth things over. At the very least, she deserves an apology.
By the time school starts, maybe we’ll be a little closer to relationship status. She’ll ride shotgun the first day in my brand-new car, and when I park in front of the building, the entire school will see how I spent my summer. I didn’t need to go to the beach to find someone to hook up with and toss aside. Not when I had someone worth hanging on to right on the other side of the fence.
After I finish getting dressed and brush my teeth, I climb out the window the same way she did and take each rung on the ladder one at a time. I could have used the front door like a normal human, but for some reason, I wanted to use the ladder like she did. In my twisted thoughts, I felt like, if I took the same path she did, I’d feel less guilty about screwing up our friendship.
I make it to the ground in one piece and jog across the street, toward the hole in the fence. I’ve made the trip so many times lately, I remember where the holes in the dirt are and manage to avoid all of them. Winnie though, I don’t think she did. There are still fresh footprints on the path, and I forgot she left without any shoes on.
When I found her asleep on my floor, she was practically naked because of the cutting. Thinking about her doing it again makes my heart race. My walk tur
ns into a jog, and by the time I get to her trailer, I’m completely out of breath.
The bushes block the view of the porch, and I can’t see that damn folding chair until I’m almost on top of it. Jax isn’t sitting there this time, and I hope that means he’s not here at all. Tess is one thing, but Jax would bash my face for no good reason if he felt like it.
I’m about to knock when a muffled voice yelling Winnie’s name stops me. It sounds like it’s coming from the neighbor’s, which makes absolutely no sense at all. Whether she’s in another trailer or not, I run toward the voice anyway. I’m too afraid not to.
But I don’t get very far. I make it to the driveway and then spot the neighbor running after Winnie. She makes it as far as his driveway before he grabs her arm, forcing her to stop. He’s dressed in leather with his helmet on.
At first, I’m scared for her, and I reach into my pocket for my cell phone. I swipe my finger across the screen and think about what to tell the 911 operator. But their body language goes from scared and afraid to needy in a matter of seconds.
He didn’t pluck Winnie off the street and try to kidnap her. She wasn’t running from his trailer because she was trying to escape. She was running because he’d upset her, and now, they’re working through their problems in broad daylight for the whole trailer park to see. Only there’s nobody outside, watching. I’m the only fool who seems to care what’s going on.
I’m not close enough to hear what they’re saying, but they exchange enough words that I consider it a conversation instead of a full-blown confrontation. She wipes her cheeks with her hands, and I get stuck on the fact that she’s still dressed in my clothing. She left my house and ran to his without changing, and that stings a little. Actually, it stings a lot.
Winnie told me she’d never spoken to the neighbor. The way she talked, she made it sound like she didn’t know who he was at all or what he even looked like. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt, but what I’m watching doesn’t add up to her version of the story. I find it really hard to believe she didn’t know him until just now.
My suspicions are confirmed when she clutches her chest like she can’t breathe. They’re arguing yet she’s looking at him like he’s her lifeline, and he’s doing the same to her. Their body language doesn’t make an ounce of sense, and it only confuses me more.
All I want to do is run across the street, and take her back to my room. We’d start the day over, and it would end with her holding on to me while I told her that I’d wait for her as long as I had to. That being with her was more important than kissing or sex. But I can’t do those things. Winnie wants to be with him, and from the looks of it, I’ve lost any chance I had with her.
He adjusts his helmet, but doesn’t remove it. Then, he leans down.
They start to kiss, and I blink my eyes a couple of times in case I’m dreaming. I even pinch myself in the thigh and dig my nails into my skin. I’m awake, and I’m watching my worst nightmare unfold right in front of my face.
There’s no mistaking this kiss for anything friendly. It’s not a little peck that can be brushed off or forgotten about. They’re having a full-blown make-out session with roaming hands, ass-grabbing, and shirt-pulling. At one point, he jerks her so hard, her shorts—my shorts—start to fall off her hips.
I watch him pull them back up before the shorts completely fall off her tiny little body. It hurts like hell that she’s wearing clothes that still smell like my bedsheets while her lips are touching his, especially after she wouldn’t kiss me.
Why did I have to beg, and he didn’t?
Who is he?
And why did Winnie lie about knowing him?
I stand by the bushes like a creeper, waiting for them to come up for air. He eventually lets go of her and gives her one last quick peck on the lips and then the forehead. The helmet gets adjusted again, and when his entire face is covered, he climbs onto his bike and starts the engine. He watches her the whole time he backs out and then guns it down the street.
The smile on her face is so big, she couldn’t hide it if she tried. It’s not just any smile either. It’s the kind reserved for someone special. Someone who just stole her heart and has complete control over it.
Whoever he is, Winnie’s all in. She felt that kiss all over her body. I know because, when she gets to me, she still has goose bumps. The little hairs on her arms are standing tall, and I feel like I just got hit over the head with a shovel.
“Jasper,” she says as her smile slips. Her lips are a little puffy, and she nibbles on the bottom one with her front teeth. “What are you doing here?”
“I didn’t like how we’d left things.” She might not deserve it, but I give her the honest truth. “I see you’re okay though.”
All the color drains from her face. “You saw that?”
It hurts too much to say anything, so I nod instead.
“That wasn’t planned,” she says. “It just happened.”
“It just happened.”
I’ve spent a couple of days with Winnie, taking care of her and helping her out, and she wouldn’t even consider kissing me this morning. She ran away from me, and then her lips just happened to end up on the neighbor’s? I don’t buy it. Not even a little bit. Winnie isn’t easy, and she’s sure as hell not out, looking for hookups.
If she’s going to lie, then I have no business being here.
“I thought you were different,” I tell her. “I guess I was wrong.”
I’m in no hurry to leave, and I have nothing to go home to, but I still keep my feet moving away from Winnie. The girl I’d thought I wanted just pulled a fast one over me, and it makes me physically ill.
“Jasper, please. Don’t leave. Let me explain.”
I don’t stop walking. I can’t. If I do, I’ll say things that I don’t want to say to her. As mad as I am, she’ll cry, and then I’ll feel like shit. We’ll be back where we started this morning, and right now, all I need is some closure. At least for last night and this morning. The rest is going to take some time to get over.
“Please,” she begs, a little louder. “Jasper!”
I’m so close to caving. I want her to apologize again and then tell me we’re okay. But the kiss would still exist, and no matter how hard I try, I’ll keep seeing it replay over and over in my mind.
Winnie lied to me.
Plain and simple.
And I can’t be friends with someone I can’t trust. I’ve played that game before, and it never ends well. Especially when I want the girl and can’t have her.
She yells my name one more time, and I hear the way her voice shakes. It takes every ounce of strength I possess to keep moving. But I’m human, and I turn around and walk backward. I don’t know why I torture myself.
The distance between us continues to grow, and I take one last look at Winnie. “I’ll see you around.” They’re the hardest four words I think I’ve ever said.
She sniffles and starts to cry harder. Her tears are one of the few things in this world I can’t tolerate. Maybe she knows that, and she’s using them to her advantage. Or maybe she’s hurting as bad as I am and needs to let them drain from her body.
“Don’t give up on me. I need you, Jasper.”
Does she need me? Or does she need a place to run to when things get bad?
I’ll never stop wanting to protect Winnie, but she can’t sleep in my bed with her head on my chest and then go home to someone else.
She’s just using you, Jasper, I tell myself.
When I don’t stop or run back to her, she covers her face with her hands, and then she runs into her trailer and slams the door. I try not to think about who might be inside.
She’s on her own now, and that scares me more than I’d like to admit. My gut tells me to give her time. My heart begs me to be patient. But my soul knows Winnie was never mine. She’s someone else’s, and I need to let her go.
Twenty-Seven
Winnie
Watching Jasper walk away tea
rs my heart from my body. I go from the biggest high I’ve ever felt to locking myself in the bathroom with a blade in my hand. My leg is still so sore, and the cuts aren’t even close to scabbing over yet, but I need to retrace the pattern anyway.
It won’t take much effort to bleed, but it won’t matter. Nothing will make Jasper come back, not even cutting. Jasper’s gone because I made my choice, and my choice was Trey.
Do I regret that decision? No. Trey will always own my heart. We have too much history for either of us to walk away. I’m drawn to him. He’s drawn to me. And, once those two forces collided, there was no going back.
I wrap the razor in toilet paper and chuck it in the trash. My legs are shaky, but I stand up and lean against the wall until I catch my breath. I’m wandering into my room when I hear a knock on the window.
Jasper’s back. He changed his mind.
But, when I pull the curtain back, Trey’s standing with his helmet on his head, motioning for me to come outside. Right away, I assume the worst. He saw Jasper talking to me, and now, he’s upset about it.
As soon as he sees me, he says, “Come on.”
I take a quick look around, making sure Jax or Tess isn’t lingering outside. When the coast is clear, I scurry across the street after Trey. My feet slap against the concrete, and tiny pebbles stick to my soles. It hurts, but I don’t care.
“I thought you were going to work?”
“Change of plans,” he says.
He takes the steps two at a time, opens the screen door, and sets his helmet on the table. He walks down the hallway, and I linger in the kitchen, waiting for him to come tell me what’s going on. When he doesn’t, I follow him all the way to his bedroom.
My mouth is completely dry as he lifts his shirt over his head and tosses it in the hamper. His stomach muscles contract and then release, and my eyes can’t focus on anything other than those hard ridges of muscles.
The button on his leather pants pops open, and he slides the zipper down so slowly, I hear each metal tooth separate. Then, I watch him slide the leather down his legs and toss those aside, too. Wearing nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs, Trey is every bit of the man I imagined him to be. His body is toned, muscular, and so full of life compared to Jasper’s.