by Riley, Gia
Jasper’s skin wasn’t motivated by each movement he made, and he didn’t have any ink markings that told the deepest story his words could never touch. He’s seventeen, the beginning stages of becoming a man. Trey’s already there, and I notice the difference.
Trey takes one step and then another until he’s standing in front of me. “Winn,” he whispers, “when you look at me like that, I can’t stand it.”
“How am I looking at you?”
He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me against his chest. His warmth radiates through me, and I’m so hot, I get the chills. It sounds impossible, but I shiver on the inside while I’m sweating on the outside. My body’s in complete turmoil, confused if it should be excited or afraid. Nothing about Trey scares me though. Not even when he makes me feel out of control and wild.
“You look at me like you need me more than your next breath.”
“I do,” I tell him. “I need you, Trey.”
He clutches the hem of my T-shirt and shakes his head. “We need to do something about this shirt.”
“Take it off.” I have a bra on underneath, but if Trey wants me naked, he can have me. I’ll give him whatever he wants.
But he keeps staring at the material bunched up in his hands, and then he says, “I want you to throw it away.”
“Why?”
“It’s his, isn’t it?”
“Jasper? Yeah, I wore it home this morning.”
Trey nods, and then he slips it over my head. He shreds the material down the middle and throws it in the direction of the trash can all the way in the corner of the room. Without even looking, he makes the basket.
I glance down at my boring white bra and then back at him. “Now what?”
He opens his dresser drawer and pulls out a stack of T-shirts. They’re all black with the exception of a couple of plain white ones mixed in between. He hands the entire pile to me, and I take them.
“Put one on, Winn, and take the rest with you.”
“All of them?”
Trey nods, and I’m not sure why I need so many, but the butterflies are set loose again. The thought of being wrapped up in something that smells like him, something that he’s worn, makes me feel special. There’s no better way to feel close to him than to wear his things. I love that Trey wants me to keep him close.
“I’ll buy you some clothes, whatever you need, but if you like to sleep in guys’ clothes, then they’d better be mine.”
I’ll have to hide the shirts in the closet, behind the stack of boxes, or they’ll be found and taken. Tess and Jax will jump to conclusions, assuming I have a boyfriend. Tess doesn’t like competition, and she’ll never accept the fact that I’ve grown up. She can’t even handle that my boobs are bigger than hers.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Trey seems glad I’ve taken them so easily. Then, he walks past me, and I wonder what I should do.
Is that my cue to leave? Or does he want me to stay and follow him?
I hear the shower turn on and imagine what it’d be like to stand under the spray with him. I haven’t had a hot shower with soap that didn’t feel like chalk in forever. I’m scared of him rejecting me, but I set the shirts down on the bed and then wander into the hallway.
The door has been left unlocked, and I take that as a sign. I turn the knob and push it open far enough to slip inside. I can see the outline of Trey on the other side of the glass door. My mind runs wild with what he looks like covered in little water droplets. The shadows are so enticing that I have to find out.
I place my hands against the glass and slowly slide the door open. At first, Trey doesn’t notice. His head is tilted forward, and suds are running down his back, over his ass, and then into the drain. I’m so nervous of what might happen when he turns around that I step inside, still wearing my bra and underwear.
They stay dry at first. I’m far enough away from the water that it doesn’t reach more than my toes. But, as I inch closer and let my fingers dance up Trey’s side, the white cotton is soaked through in seconds. My nipples harden, and you can see right through the material.
As soon as Trey turns around, his eyes fall to my chest and then even lower. By the time he looks at my face, my heart is thrashing so wildly, I think it might stop beating. I must be dreaming.
And then he asks, “What are you doing?” and I’m afraid I’ve taken things too far. The little bit of confidence I had when I got in the shower vanishes.
“I thought…I mean, I wanted to.”
“If you can’t say it, Winn, you shouldn’t be in here.”
“I’ll leave.”
He runs his hand through his hair and then presses the same hand against the wall. “That’s not what I meant. I meant, you’re not ready. Not for us anyway.”
How does he know that? He doesn’t know what I want or what I can handle. He just thinks he does. But I’m not trying to have sex with him. All I want is to feel close to him again. The way we were in the driveway when he kissed me with everything he had. That’s what I want.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
I turn around and slide the door open, so I can get out of the shower, but he grabs me with his soapy hands and stops me.
“Relax, Winn. I want you here. I’m just not sure you should be.”
“Because you’re naked?” I ask.
He nods and closes his eyes. “You’re still so young. You don’t know what you want for the rest of your life. And I do. I know what I want.”
If Trey thinks I’ll love him and leave him, he’s crazy. Everyone I’ve ever known has walked into my life and then back out. I’d never do that to him. Not when I know how it feels.
When he finally opens his eyes again, they give away what he wants. He wants me, but he’s fighting a battle against right and wrong, and Trey, being the good guy he is, will always make the right choice when it comes to me.
For once, I have everything I’ve ever needed, but I’m not allowed to have it. “If I were eighteen, would you hesitate?”
“No,” he whispers. “Not even a little.”
“Pretend I’m older then.”
It’s a stupid thing to say. He can’t pretend I’m not against the law. But I’m still rewarded with one of his blinding smiles. Trey’s teeth are as white as the tiles on the wall, and I know I’ll think about that grin of his every time I take a shower.
“You’re trouble,” he says.
Am I? I’ve never wanted anyone, and I know nothing about the rules of attraction. All I know is that I want to explore this rush that Trey gives me. Because his presence lights me on fire.
“I’m not trying to tempt you. I just want to be close to you. I thought it would be nice.”
“Is that why you left your bra and panties on?”
My response will remind him of how young I am, and the last thing I want him to see when he looks at me is a number. I want him to focus solely on my body, my mind, and my heart. I can’t lie to him though. That isn’t who I am.
“I’ve never been naked in front of a guy before. Not on purpose anyway.”
He swallows, and I know I should have left that last part out. But, like it or not, when I speak, Trey gets all of me. The good parts, the bad parts, and all the things in between. The things I wish I had the power to change.
“We’ll be having a discussion about that when I get back.”
That should scare me, but I’m more worried about where he’s going. “Back?” I question.
“Winn, the boss is sending me away. It won’t be more than a couple of weeks this time.”
I’ve felt enough pain to last me a lifetime, but hearing that Trey’s disappearing again, especially when I just got him all to myself, makes the tears flow again. My arms wrap around his waist, and I lay my head on his shoulder. My salty tears mix with the hot water and run down our bodies.
We stay like this for five or ten minutes, just holding each other. When it’s time to get out of the shower, Trey dries u
s off. I peel off my bra and panties underneath a towel and then dress in his shirt and boxers. He sits me down on the bed and hands me a box.
“What’s this?”
“Open it,” he says. “And don’t argue with me.”
I have a good idea what it is before I lift the lid—a brand-new cell phone. Everyone at school has one like it, but I’m not sure how it works or what to do with it. It takes a little playing around to figure out how to make a call. Trey already has it fully charged with his name plugged into the Contacts list. It makes me wonder how long he’s had it.
It’s so risky for me to hang on to something so valuable, but telling Trey my concerns isn’t worth the argument. He bought the phone for me, and it’s his way of making sure I’m safe when he can’t be there to take care of me himself. It’ll bring me just as much peace.
“Thank you.”
“I should have done it sooner. Just like I should have told you I was living here.”
“You’re already forgiven, Trey. You don’t have to keep apologizing.”
He smirks, and then he takes my hand and kisses the back of it. “Are you saying that because you saw me naked? Or do you mean it?”
I laugh, and my cheeks flame. “I mean it, but seeing you like that wasn’t so bad either.”
There’s no hiding anymore. I’m picturing his body, every hard ridge and inch of him, and Trey knows it, too.
He licks his lips, and I take that as my cue to lean forward and kiss him again. My heart jumps when he kisses me back sooner than the first time our lips met. There’s no debate this time. Our tongues mingle, and once we’re out of breath, he forces himself to stop.
“We can kiss, Winn, but until you’re old enough, that’s all we can do. I won’t cross the line.”
“Okay.”
Trey always does the right thing. Even when he’s challenged and his patience is wearing thin, he makes the honorable decision. I have a feeling that he does the opposite at work, and he hates that. It makes doing the right thing with me that much more important. No matter what, I’ll respect his request even if I want him more than anything.
“You’re sure?” he asks.
I don’t know what I can do to convince him that I understand, so I do what feels right in the moment. I kiss him again and climb onto his lap. He lets me straddle him, and I feel his hardness between my legs. I don’t shy away or panic, and that makes me kiss him harder.
“Winn,” he mumbles against my lips, “answer me.”
I keep my fingers linked behind his neck and rest my forehead against his. “Trey, as long as I have you, I’m good. Really, really good.”
He bites my lip and tugs on it. Then, he growls into my mouth, and our teeth clash. In that moment, there’s no doubt in my mind. Trey’s mine, and I’m his. It doesn’t take sex or complicated declarations of love to express that. For once, love is a feeling and not a wish.
“I have to go, babe.”
Babe. There it is again. It might be even better the second time he says it.
“Already?”
He stands up and sets me on my feet. Then, he pecks my lips a couple of more times. I know he’s trying to get his fill before he has to put his helmet back on and cover up his lips.
“You have the phone now. It won’t be so bad this time. I’ll text you when I can. You message me whenever you need me, okay?”
He’s right. Having the phone is like walking around with Trey in my pocket. Just knowing he’s a call away, no matter how many miles are between us, is calming.
I can watch him get on his bike without completely breaking down. Then, he calls me over, and I stand next to the bike, thinking I’m going to get another kiss. But Trey opens my palm, places a wad of bills in it, and then folds my fingers around the money.
“Trey, you already gave me the phone.”
“Winn, a phone doesn’t pay for food. Go to the store, and get what you need. Call for pizza. I don’t care. Just make sure you eat and take care of yourself, okay?”
He glances at my leg, and I know that includes the cutting. I make a silent promise to the both of us that I won’t do it while he’s gone. No matter how bad things get, I’ll use the phone instead of the blade.
God, I hope I can keep that promise.
I hold it together as he backs out of the driveway. He takes one more look at me and then flips the shield over his eyes. He guns it down the street with two fingers in the air. I wave back and watch until the leather disappears.
My heart won’t be whole until he gets home, but Trey’s only one call away. Life might have thrown me another curveball, but I’m going to show him that I’m strong enough to wait it out. That I can handle his job and life on my own while he’s away.
I have to because, if Trey thinks he’s too much for me, he’ll end this. And I don’t know if we’ll survive as friends now that we’ve kissed. How would I stop loving someone I’d cared about my entire life?
Twenty-Eight
Jasper
I must be a glutton for punishment because I climb through the hole in the fence and walk past Winnie’s trailer on my way to The Whip. I have no idea if she’s planning on working tonight or not. If I had to guess, she won’t be back. Not after the way we left things.
Her neighbor’s bike isn’t in the driveway, and his trailer’s completely dark. There’s a light shining through the front window at Winnie’s, but I don’t think it’s from her room. If her place is set up like Ace’s, it’s the living room, and I don’t think Winnie ever hangs out there.
Like a creeper, I check the bedroom windows. There’s a tall figure in one and darkness in the other. I figure it’s Jax, and that means Tess is there, too. The chances of Winnie being home are slim, so I keep walking toward the playground.
Glancing over my shoulder, I look at the neighbor’s one more time, praying the lights aren’t off because they’re in his bed. The image of her wrapped around him gets me so pissed, I kick an empty soda can lying in the gutter. It bounces off a mailbox and lands in the grass.
Why him and not me? Is it because he has his own place? His own bike? He’s the easier choice when she needs to escape?
Winnie’s the only one who knows why she chose him. Until I talk to her—or at least try to have a rational conversation with her without losing my shit—I won’t have a clue as to why she wants him. Maybe it’s none of my business, but I feel like, the second we connected at work, I made Winnie my business. And what gets me so worked is that she let me. Little by little, her walls were crumbling, and she was opening up to me. I wasn’t imagining it. Ace saw it, too.
As I walk by the playground, I check the tube slide, just in case she’s inside. It’s empty, and that should bring me some relief. I just get more annoyed that I don’t know where she is. Finding her wouldn’t change her feelings though. It’s not like she would give him up and decide she wanted me.
I’m early, but it’s too late to hang out outside at the picnic tables. The back door to The Whip is propped open, and one of the distributors is unloading cases of beer. I’ve seen him here plenty of times, but I still check him out, wondering if he could be the guy who lives across the street. Winnie never told me his name or what he did for a living. All I know is what I saw. And what I saw isn’t much. He keeps himself closed off, and that makes their connection more puzzling.
Ace’s office door is closed, which isn’t out of the ordinary, and I open it without knocking. I stop dead in my tracks, not expecting Winnie to be standing next to Ace’s desk. She has her uniform polos in her hands and sets them on Ace’s desk. She’s quitting.
“What’s up, Jasper?” he asks and then hands Winnie an envelope. It’s probably the rest of the money he owes her.
I hate that she’s quitting because of me. I can be cool about things. We can be in the same room without touching or kissing.
But I’ll still want Winnie, no matter what. Her blue eyes and dark hair splayed across my pillow are all I can think about. She wasn’t
even mine, and I want her back.
Ace waits for me to say something, but I can’t. If I open my mouth, I’ll beg Winnie to stay at The Whip, so I can still see her. Because, if she quits, I know she’ll disappear from my life completely. It’s not like I can go to her house, and she’ll let me in. The Whip is the only place we had in common this summer, and she’s taking that away from me.
Winnie stuffs the envelope she’s holding in her pocket. “Thanks, Ace,” she says. Then, she walks past me without so much as a hello or a good-bye.
We both watch her close the door, and then Ace leans back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest.
“I thought I’d have to pull you two out of the shower one of these days, and now, you’re awkward as hell. What happened?”
It’s always my fault. He’d never ask Winnie that question because I’m the screwup. I’m the one who has his shit together way more than he ever did, but I still always manage to mess up the good things in my life.
“Nothing happened. We were good, and now, we’re not.”
Ace laughs, and I want to punch him. If we weren’t at work, I probably would.
“You were attached at the hip, and now, she can barely even look at you. You either suck with girls or you found someone else, and she’s upset about it.”
“Other way around,” I stress.
God, that hurts to say out loud. There’s no way around it though. Winnie’s in love with someone else, a guy who lives in a beat-up trailer and rides in and out as he pleases, probably seeing three other girls on the side. She’ll stay devoted to him because Winnie wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s the kind of girl who falls once in a lifetime, and nothing will compare to her first love. If they don’t work out, every guy after him will have to climb a mountain and jump off the top to compete with the memories. Everyone else will spend the rest of their lives trying to catch up to him.
Ace looks surprised, shocked even. “You two seemed good. I saw her climbing out of your window and thought you’d finally bagged a chick.”