What's Left of Us

by Amanda Maxlyn

  Tears stream down my face and I clutch the note to my chest. I walk eagerly back to the limo, needing more than anything to see Parker.

  The ride to our final destination is short. I don’t recognize anything as we pass buildings, landscapes, and houses. When we turn down a dark, secluded road, I go rigid.

  Where in the world are we going?

  Soon, twinkle lights come into view and, as we draw nearer, I see Parker standing alone in front of a gazebo. We’re in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing but green grass.

  Seeing him standing there, I almost feel like I’m on an episode of The Bachelor, with the limo pulling up and the gorgeous man waiting for each woman to step out.

  Craig helps me out and I practically run to Parker, smiling wider all the way.

  “Hi,” I whisper, reaching him. My eyes are already misty and he hasn’t even spoken yet. Just looking at him sends my emotions all over the place. He’s wearing nice dress pants and a red button-down.

  “Hi back.” He gives me the charming smile I love so much and leans in, giving me a lingering kiss on the lips.

  “What’s going on?”

  Behind us, in the lighted gazebo, a table is set for two. In the grass, a blanket is laid out with a telescope.

  I hear the crunching of tires at the limo pulls away.

  “Aundrea, recently you’ve reminded me that it doesn’t matter what happens in life, as long as we live it together. It’s not about fear, doubt, or failure. It’s about being together and embracing what’s important. These last few months have been crazy and tonight I wanted to give you—or, rather, us—a night where nothing else in the world matters.”

  “Parker.”

  “You’ve yet to teach me about astronomy so I thought, what better time than now? So, I’ve gotten us a high tech telescope that I can’t figure out how to use and dinner for two.” He holds his hands out in a proud gesture, and I laugh.

  “Well then, handsome, let’s get to it.”

  I show him how to set up the Celestron telescope, even though I know he’ll never remember how to align it again.

  We nibble on pizza as I locate different planets and stars, giving Parker a short history of each.

  Later, we end up lying on the blanket, just staring at the sky. It’s dark and clear. There’s no sound around us, just the two of us enjoying the warm, quiet evening.

  It’s impossible to count all the stars, of course, but as I lie here, snuggled against Parker, I try.

  “Why do they twinkle?” Parker asks. He takes the hand I’m pointing as I try to count.

  “I love when they twinkle.” I stop counting and look at my Mr. Handsome. How far we’ve come to feel so complete. He looks young as he waits for my reply.

  “There’s turbulence in the atmosphere that causes a star’s light to refract in different directions, which makes it look dimmer and then brighter. So it looks like it twinkles.”

  Parker turns onto his side, brushing the hair off my face, and kisses my forehead.

  “I love the stars,” I say. “The universe is such a beautiful thing to study. It’s like trying to piece together a story. Putting chapters of its life together, just like ours. You never know what you’re going to learn or encounter. Like life, there is still so much to know.”

  “Like us.”

  “Like us.” I confirm. “You know, they say true love exists in the stars.”

  “They do?” Parker raises an eyebrow, smirking.

  “Of course. I mean, if you believe in astrology.”

  Parker grins. “Continue.”

  “Us, for example. I’m a Pisces, a water sign, and you’re a Leo, a fire sign. You put the two together and you have nothing but steam.”

  “One would think water and fire wouldn’t mix well?” he counters.

  “Well, Leos like being center stage. They can help a shy Piscean overcome her insecurities and face any obstacle. Leos are the center of the universe, run by the sun. So, essentially, they light the fire for us to exist.”

  “Am I your reason to exist, Aundrea?”

  “More than you’ll ever know.”

  “What about these Pisces? What do they have to say?”

  “Pisces is unique. They’re ruled by Neptune and Jupiter, the ruler of seas and the king of Gods. Mixing those two together, you get some amazing and rare energy. We tend to be the most compassionate sign, wanting to take others’ pain away. It’s no wonder we’d need someone as strong as a Leo to lean on.”

  He’s quiet for a moment, watching me. “Are you happy?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “With everything you’ve done in your life. Are you happy?”

  “I couldn’t have asked for a better life so far. I’m here, with you, a baby on the way, and about to start my dream career. I never thought all this was possible for me, so, yes, I am more than happy.”

  Taking a deep breath he releases my hand and rolls onto his back. “My nightmare … it always starts with me reading a letter from you. You say you’ll be among the stars, watching and waiting. Do you think that’s true?”

  My chest squeezes. It seems just like something I would say.

  I scoot closer to him and rest my hand on his cheek. His eyes close. “Absolutely, Parker. No matter where you are, if you stop and look up into the night sky and see a star twinkling, know that it’s me giving you a wink back.”

  “I’m afraid.”

  “Of what?”

  “What will be left if you’re gone? I’ve run into Brandon twice recently and he looks so broken. I feel so bad for him. I know that’s what trigged those dreams.”

  “You won’t ever have to worry about that.” I kiss the tip of his nose. “Think about what Dr. James said. I’m doing great. There’s no need to worry.”

  “I was talking with Jason recently and he mentioned something about getting a will …” I tense immediately. “Aundrea, I’m not saying we need to plan for anything. It just got me thinking that with a baby on the way, we should be prepared. Make provisions for the practice, the house; I want you to be taken care of. I want our child to be looked after.”

  I process his words. I’ve never thought about getting a will. I know Genna and Jason have one. I was there when they started talking about it and listened to them discuss it soon after I moved in with them. Genna was having one of her meltdowns about me and my treatment. About how she was tired of watching me in pain and wished she could take it all away. She said if anything happened to either of them, they should have something in place, so they agreed on getting a will.

  “I think it’s a good idea.”

  I hate having to discuss difficult topics like this, but they’re necessary. Cancer or no cancer; cardiomyopathy or no cardiomyopathy. We need a will. We have assets to ensure and family to protect.

  This is normal.

  The end of August approaches and I have one week before I start my new job. I’m sad to leave For the Love of Paws, but excited for my next adventure.

  Wendy’s almost fifteen weeks along, now, and we’re getting anxious for our eighteen-week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. Genna recommended a babymoon—something I’d never heard of before. It’s basically an excuse to take a little vacation before the diaper-changing, scheduled feedings, and lack of sleep starts.

  Parker is up earlier than normal for work, and he’s moving quietly, trying not to wake me. Little does he know I’ve been awake almost all night thinking and enjoying a chance to watch him sleep peacefully.

  I open my eyes as I hear him approach the bed.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers, leaning down to kiss the top of my head goodbye.

  “It’s okay.” He sits on the edge of the bed, so I scoot over to make room for him. “You’re going to meet me at the lawyer’s office, correct?” We’re going to have our will drawn up by the same lawyer Jason and Genna used.

  “Yes. At three?”

  I nod.

  He kisses my temple. My eyes dri
ft closed again at the warm touch.

  “Okay, I really have to get going before I ravish you right here and now. You’re too damned tempting,” he growls into my neck, playfully attacking me with nips and kisses.

  I giggle. “Go, go!”

  I’m grinning when he leaves.

  I arrive early for our appointment, so I’m waiting for Parker when Jean calls.

  “Hey, you!”

  “Hi. Is this an okay time?”

  “Yeah, I’m sitting outside the lawyer’s office waiting for Parker.”

  “Oh, that’s right. Sorry, I forgot your appointment was this afternoon.”

  “It’s okay. I’m early.”

  We make small talk, then she asks, “When do we get to find out the sex of that baby?”

  “Three weeks. I actually had a dream that the baby wouldn’t uncross its legs so we didn’t find out. I woke up telling Parker no matter what, we’re shaking Wendy’s stomach to make sure that baby cooperates.” She giggles. “So … are you moving here?” I know she’s not, but I like to keep pressing her. I have to listen to Kevin talk about it day in and day out at the clinic.

  “No,” she says, predictably. I let out an exaggerated sigh. “Hey now!”

  “What?” I say innocently.

  “Don’t what me. Listen to me. My career is here and his is there. I love him, I do, but I’m not sure it’s meant to be. We’re both passionate about our work and neither of us wants to give up our career for the other. He’s certain of that and, honestly, I am too. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

  “You don’t have to give up your career.”

  “No? We live two hours apart. Either he leaves the practice where he’s partner, or I leave the place that could possibly be the best job in the world. Don’t you see the problem there?”

  “Not really. I mean, I see two stubborn people who love each other and are not together.”

  “So one of us should give up our job to be together?”

  “If it means being together, it wouldn’t even be a question for me.”

  “If you needed to relocate for Parker, would you? Now that you’ve found what you proclaim to be your dream job.”

  “In a second. There’s only one Parker and many other jobs.” She doesn’t speak. I know she’s contemplating my words. “You there?”

  “Yeah. I hate it when you say shit like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “The truth.”

  I laugh into the phone.

  When Parker arrives I tell Jean I’ll call her later.

  “Hey!” I smile at him.

  “Hey back.”

  He takes my hand and we walk into the office.

  Michael, the lawyer, doesn’t waste any time getting into it. Once we’ve covered most things, he brings up the baby and our frozen embryos.

  “What do you want to do with the embryos?” he asks.

  “Excuse me?” Parker looks at him, bemused.

  “Did you write them into your contract with the agency?”

  We shake our heads.

  “Maybe you should donate them?” he suggests before continuing. “You’ll want to make sure they’re secure so in the event something does happen, a family member won’t be able to go after the widower for the rights.”

  Would our families really do that? “I don’t think my family would do that.” I look at Parker and correct myself. “I don’t think our families would.”

  “With all due respect Aundrea, you’d be surprised. If something happened to you, you’d want to make sure Parker has full custody of them, or … donate them.”

  Parker opens his mouth, but I cut in. “If something happens to either of us, I’d like them to be property of the widower. In the event of a divorce, or if we both die, then they should be donated to Circle of Life.”

  “Parker?” Michael asks.

  He looks at me with amazement. I can see he’s proud of me for taking control of the conversation. “I completely agree.”

  “Good. Now, as for your unborn child. In the event of both of your deaths, who would you like to appoint as legal guardian?”

  “Genna,” we say together. That’s never been a question. We couldn’t think of a better person to look after our child … or children.

  Parker’s ringing phone wakes me from a dead sleep. He doesn’t move so I nudge him.

  “Parker, your phone.” It goes silent, but mine starts a moment later. I don’t recognize the number, but answer groggily. “Hello?”

  Someone clears their throat, then an unfamiliar voice says, “Hello, I’m sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, but I’m looking for an Aundrea Jackson?”

  “This is she.”

  “My name is Tonya, one of the nurses at Minneapolis Medical Center.”

  I sit up fast and my head spins.

  “Yes?”

  My anticipation grows stronger with each hammering beat of my heart.

  “I’m calling on behalf of Mr. Henderson. He’s requesting your presence.”

  Wendy. My heart sinks. “My presence? For what?”

  Parker rolls over then, opening an eye.

  “I’m sorry, but I’m not at liberty to say.”

  “What do you mean you’re not at liberty to say? You’re the one calling here asking me to come to the hospital and you can’t tell me why?”

  Parker sits up then, taking the phone out of my hand.

  “Who is this? What’s going on?” Fuck.

  I look at him, worried, but he holds his hand up.

  “What do you mean you can’t tell me? Fuck HIPAA! Put Ron on the phone. I need to make sure she’s okay. Is she okay?”

  He grows angrier, hanging the phone up.

  “Parker?” I feel sick and I’m pretty sure I’m going to vomit.

  “God damn it!” he screams as he throws the phone across the room. It shatters in an explosion of metal and plastic.

  I begin to tremble.

  Parker jumps out of bed and then doubles over.

  “Parker!”

  I run over to him. He’s choking. “It’s okay, babe. Breathe. Deep breaths in and out. That’s it, in and out.” My words come out smooth as I him take deep breaths. “Now, I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

  His eyes flash to mine and I feel the blood drain from my face.

  “Wendy.”

  I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I’m certain what I’m feeling isn’t right. It’s like sand is dripping down, clogging my throat.

  Parker moves and speaks quickly. “We have to leave. The nurse won’t tell me what’s going on, but Wendy’s been in some sort of accident.”

  “Oh, God,” I choke out, covering my mouth. I pull on my shirt and tug at the neckline, trying to relieve the sensation that I’m choking. “What did the nurse say exactly?”

  “She said nothing, Aundrea. That’s the fucking problem! And Ron asked we be there, so we have to move. Now!” he snaps. I know he doesn’t mean to, but he does.

  “Parker, I’m scared.” Every single terrible feeling I can imagine is coursing through me. I want to think positive, but I can’t push through the fear no matter how hard I try.

  “Aundrea, I need you to be strong right now. We need to leave.”

  I rush to grab clothes, as does Parker. I don’t think we’ve ever moved so quickly in our lives.

  If ever there was a time I didn’t mind Parker’s speeding habit, this is it. Now, he can’t go fast enough for me. Since my phone is in pieces on our bedroom floor, I use Parker’s to try and call Wendy’s landline. I don’t know who I’ll get, maybe a family member watching their kids? Someone who can let me know what’s going on. No one answers.

  I try again. Then I try Ron’s cell number. When he doesn’t answer I try one more time.

  Then one more, just in case.

  Still no answer.

  “Where the fuck is everyone?” I yell, pounding the dashboard in frustration.

  Parker doesn’t answe
r. I glance his way. I haven’t looked at him since we got in the car, too afraid to meet his eyes. To see the hurt and worry there. His jaw is tight, his eyes wide with concentration, and he’s white knuckling the steering wheel. Its then that I also notice our speed: a hundred miles an hour.

  “Uh, Parker?”

  No response.

  “Parker.”

  No response.

  “Parker!”

  “What?” His voice slices through me.

  “I understand we want to get there as quickly as we can, but we can’t get there if we’re hurt along the way.”

  He looks at the speedometer.

  He lets off the gas just a little.

  We don’t speak for the duration of the ride. I do take his hand, though, needing to feel his touch. If ever I’ve needed him, it’s now. My head hurts so much it feels like it’s going to explode. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, and that is saying a lot.

  If I thought I knew what death felt like after chemo, I was wrong. So wrong. Because this feeling right now? This is death. The burning feeling, as if my whole body is breaking and being pulled every which way. It’s the worst kind of pain I’ve ever had to endure as I think about all the worst-case scenarios that are speeding through my mind.

  If anything has happened to our unborn child I don’t think I’ll ever recover. Our baby’s life hasn’t even truly begun; I can’t fathom losing him or her before we even get the chance to meet.

  Two hours has never felt so long in all my life. I feel like my skin is on fire and roll down the window to cool off, but it doesn’t help.

  “Aundrea, it’s going to be okay. We need to have hope.”

  Hope. It’s a word I’ve become familiar with.

  The hospital lights blind me. All I see are the big red letters that spell EMERGENCY. Suddenly, my anxiety is unbearable. The moment I walk through those doors, my life could be changed forever.

  Parker pulls into the ramp by the emergency room and takes the first spot he can find. We run to the entrance.

  I’m not sure where we’re going, and a small fraction of me isn’t sure I want to find it yet. I’m scared. Terrified of what’s to come. I say a silent prayer: I want this baby more than anything. Don’t take that away, please.