Crave

by Laurie Jean Cannady

  We sat in the living room of the hotel suite as I tried to hide the pain. After a while, I couldn’t take anymore. I called Vel into the bedroom and explained my dilemma. “Vel, I gotta go to the bathroom and I don’t want to do it with them here.”

  Vel let out a high-pitched laugh that embarrassed me even more. “Girl, you serious?”

  “Stop laughing, Vel,” I said as I began laughing myself. “My stomach’s tore up and it’s going to be a bad one.”

  She laughed again, this time holding herself up by the door. “Okay, I’ve got a plan.”

  Vel’s plans were usually as much fun as they were trouble. We became friends because she wanted to be a majorette. Every day after school, we’d stand in my front yard, kicking dirt as we ran through the routines she needed to learn. Having a background in dance, it was easy for her to learn the routines, and even after she’d mastered them all, we remained close friends.

  The first thing that made us perfect friends was we were never attracted to the same guys. Any guy Vel dated, to put it lightly, repulsed me. They were either too short, too tall, too thick, too thin, or too something for me. The same could be said for Vel and her reaction to the guys I dated. Second, we were the same size, which meant we could borrow each other’s clothes and shoes. Third, and most important, Vel lived in Dale Homes with her grandmother, who wasn’t as strict as Momma. I told Momma I was staying with Vel and then we, together, would steal away to whatever guys we were dating at the moment.

  We had a pretty good system going for us. The only interference was Vel’s nana. Although Vel had grown up in the projects just as I had, she had a father and a nana, ones who came to see her, provided her with money, and took care of her. I used to joke with Vel that I’d marry her daddy and be her momma one day. We’d laugh about that, but I was always a little saddened Vel’s father and his family cared enough to stick around when mine hadn’t.

  Vel’s nana hated me. I was only seventeen and she sneered each time she saw me.

  “Why are you hanging around with that ghetto girl? I don’t like her. She’s nothing but trouble,” she’d say. Vel often mimicked her nana’s high-pitched voice, and we laughed at this together, but her words hurt. I’d never said or done anything to make her feel that way about me, but she’d determined, with just one look and a minimal amount of discussion, I was not good for her Vel. Sometimes, I wondered if she was right.

  Vel’s nana didn’t know Vel and I were one and the same. We’d both suffered abusive boyfriends and we’d both found a way out. Having been free from her ex longer than I was from Sanford, she often led the way to our adventures.

  “Look, we’ll tell Reggie and Randy we’re hungry. They can go down to that McDonald’s and they’ll be gone for a minute. You can go then and we’ll air the room out.” It sounded like a great plan and I didn’t have any other options, so I agreed.

  Vel laughed through the bathroom door, “Oh girl, you stink. Hurry up before they come back.” I was grateful for her friendship, as she sprayed perfume in the bathroom, and opened all of the suite’s windows and doors. When Reggie and Randy returned, I wasn’t hungry at all. I wasn’t thirsty either, but I kept drinking. I needed something to burn the back of my throat, to burn the anxieties out of my mind. I drank until the room grew darker, until I saw Sanford no more, until I couldn’t see myself sitting, drinking anymore. Then all I could see was me and Reggie kissing, then me on top of him, then me under him.

  When body reconnected with mind, sobs shook me and prompted me to curl into myself. Reggie paused, tried to find my eyes through the darkness, but I did not want to see and I did not want to be seen. I stared at the wall farthest from me, my body frozen, moving only because of tears that wrestled out.

  “What’s wrong?” he whispered. I shook my head. I didn’t know the answer, and what I did know I couldn’t say. I searched for him through the darkness. His eyes were too familiar and I worked to place where they originally resided in my mind. The eyes did not match the smile. His smooth dark skin became hard like leather. I saw Reggie as himself, but he was also someone that had been before.

  Reggie stopped, rested his head on my shoulder. Nothing outside of me hurt. All pain was within, like a cramp with no muscle.

  “What is wrong?” he asked again. Through my fog, his voice became clear. He was Reggie, smooth, dark skin, brown eyes, soft lips with soft smile.

  “We have to stop.”

  “Why?” he gingerly asked.

  “Because I have a boyfriend.”

  Reggie laughed, seemingly relieved nothing dire had happened.

  “He’s in Tennessee, but I still love him.”

  “That’s okay,” he said with sincerity. “We can stop. I only want you to do this if you want to,” he said as he smiled.

  I appreciated his tenderness, the way he seemed to genuinely care how I felt even though what I wanted contradicted what he wanted.

  He smiled again, “Tennessee’s a long way from Virginia, though.”

  I wanted to believe I was stopping because of Pat, but if Pat was my focus, I would never have started. Something else was stopping me, but I was afraid to learn what that something was. So, I focused on Pat, allowed the guilt of my disloyalty to wrap itself around me, pressing the air from my chest.

  Reggie lay next to me and quickly went to sleep. I could hear not only his breathing, but the breathing of the walls, the wind, everything around me, shaming what I’d done. I was perplexed by the heaviness of my act with Reggie.

  I unwrapped Reggie’s arms from my waist, made my way to the room where Randy and Vel lay, walked over to her side of the bed, and shook her out of sleep.

  “Vel, wake up,” I whispered, careful not to wake Randy.

  “What?” Vel said, rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

  “I need to get out of here, now,” I cried. She sat up and surveyed me. I was unsure of what she was looking for.

  “What happened? Did he do something to you?” she asked.

  “I slept with him,” I whispered, ashamed to even hear myself say it. “Can we walk on the beach? I need air.”

  Vel snickered. “That’s all you did? Girl, it’s three in the morning. We can walk tomorrow. You okay? You’re not hurt, are you?”

  I cried even harder, devastated she wouldn’t go with me. I’m certain my tears were flowing because of the alcohol I drank, but I also knew something else was wrong and I needed my friend to help me figure it out. There was nothing I could do then and there, so I went back into the living room, lay next to Reggie and tried to drown out the breathing walls.

  The next morning Reggie and Randy took us home. I sat, again, clinging to the car door, ready to jump out as soon as he slowed. I didn’t want him to look at me in the light, didn’t want him to remember me with eyes closed, face twisting as we sexed. Reggie kept peeking at me as he drove us home. Once he dropped us off at Vel’s, I said a quick goodbye and made my way into Vel’s house. My aversion to him had no origin I could trace. I just knew I needed to stay away.

  The next day I was at home washing dishes when Vel walked into the kitchen with a smile on her face. Her bright skin glowed as she walked into the dimly lit room.

  “Guess what, Laurie?” she sang. “Reggie’s outside.” Her smile widened. “Can he come in to see you?”

  Vel went back outside and in came Reggie alone. He looked taller than he had the night before and he wasn’t as thin as I remembered either. I would have admired his smooth skin, soft dark eyes, and deep waves if Pat weren’t mine and I his. I reminded myself of this as he walked into the kitchen.

  “Hey, Laurie,” he said.

  “Hey, Reggie,” I replied.

  “You okay? Did I do something wrong the other night?” he asked with a quietness that threw me off guard. Reggie was one of the most popular guys in school and he definitely wasn’t the quietest. But there, in that kitchen, he seemed vulnerable, waiting for an answer.

  “No, you didn’t do anything. I just have a bo
yfriend and I didn’t want to cheat on him.”

  He let out a sigh and leaned against the stove.

  “Man, I’m glad to hear that. I thought I’d done something to you.”

  Then he looked directly at me, pulling my gaze toward him, “You know, I’ve had a crush on you for a while.” He laughed at his own words. “I used to watch you in Mrs. Spencer’s class and I always liked when you talked about the stories we were reading. I really want to get to know you better. If that’s all right.”

  “But my boyfriend . . .”

  “If he’s in Tennessee, what’s wrong with us just hanging out? We’re just friends, right?”

  Reggie and I settled into a comforting routine. We weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. I knew I wasn’t “his one” and he never forced the role of being “my one” on himself. We were like classmates, sitting in the same room, sometimes in the same desk, but we were learning two different lessons.

  Three months before I left for basic training, I took a job at Wynn’s crab store. They had the best crabs in Portsmouth. I got full as soon as I walked into work. I worked there with Tyrane, a pretty girl with a fiery attitude. I spent much of my time at work laughing at her fussing at the boss to stop telling her what to do all of the time. Before working at Wynn’s, I’d known Tyrane from afar. I knew she was a pretty girl, but I’d also heard she would whip up on folks if she needed to. Ironically, she was one of the sweetest girls I’d ever met. We got to know each other better, as I shared some of my stories about Sanford and she shared some of the things she’d experienced with her relationships. One night, I got off earlier than her and I needed a ride home. Other than Vel and Randy, no one knew I was seeing Reggie. I confided in Tyrane and she, like a good girlfriend, giggled and picked on me all night. When I couldn’t get a ride, she laughingly said, “Girl, you better call Reggie and let him take you home.”

  Up until that point, it was always Laurie, Reggie, Vel, and Randy. I hadn’t spent any time with him alone, but after Tyrane said that, I thought, she’s right. He is a friend and like a good friend, he would be there when I needed him.

  I called Reggie and he said, “I have my daughter with me, but I’ll be there in a minute.” I was grateful as he rolled up in his Legend.

  The car that normally had “Mr. Lover Man” blasting inside was quiet. I walked around the front and saw the cutest mini Reggie sitting in the front seat. He had her buckled in tightly, and she seemed to be floating in the car’s bucket seat. She was a little thing, no more than two or three, and I could immediately tell she was her daddy’s little princess, so innocent, so sweet.

  A wave of panic struck me as I lowered my body into the back seat. I’d always known Mary, Tom-Tom, and Reggie were cousins. They’d been introduced to each other long before Reggie and I began dating, but in the time it took me to lower myself into the back seat, behind Reggie’s beautiful baby, it all came together. He wasn’t just Mary and Tom-Tom’s cousin.

  I whispered, in disbelief, “Pee Wee’s your uncle?”

  Before Reggie could answer, “He molested me. Keep your daughter away from him,” flew from my mouth. Reggie did not turn his face toward me, but I could see his neck tense and his hands holding tightly the steering wheel. His engine went from a purr to silent. He looked at his baby, then back at me.

  “He did what?” Reggie paused. “I never heard that before. I mean, I know he’s in jail, but I haven’t really been around him,” he punctuated his sentence with, “man.”

  “Just keep your baby from him. Keep her safe.”

  He looked at his baby, reclining quietly next to him, “I will always keep my daughter safe,” he said.

  The ride home was silent. His voice seemed heavier as we said good night. I felt enormous guilt for having sprung that on Reggie, but relief replaced guilt. I had not been able to save myself from Pee Wee’s dirt, but maybe Reggie could save his daughter. I knew how difficult cleaning someone else’s dirt could be.

  Reggie and I continued to see each other after that night outside of Wynn’s. I enjoyed being wined and dined as Reggie and Randy took us to expensive hotels and dinners. There was no more walking, but riding everywhere in style. And sex was nights on the beach, in pools, on floors, nights filled with holding, groping, talking about lives both of us knew we could never have. I knew he was someone else’s, many someone else’s, and I still belonged to Pat, but quiet nights fed lies I wanted to hear. I began to think some lies could become truth if I worked at them enough.

  There were moments of happiness, when the daunting reality of basic training wasn’t a constant in my mind, when I believed I could run away with Reggie, let him save me and feed me so I’d never hunger for anything or anyone ever again. We weren’t in love, but love did not matter when hunger for so many other things had been satisfied.

  Like anything in life, it wasn’t all perfect, just spurts of perfection that obscured sore spots. In between satiation, there was the waiting. Reggie and Randy began scheduling dates, which had Vel and me peering out of my bedroom window, looking for his car’s yellow fog lights, announcing the arrival of his purple Legend. Some nights those lights shone brightly from the corner to the front door. Some nights they didn’t. Still, I waited because I knew what being full felt like.

  Things got so normal, so comfortable with him, I forgot about the Army, Pat, and myself. My days were occupied with thoughts of whether I’d see him that night, and nights were usually spent wondering if I’d see him the next day. There were times he did what he’d said and then I felt blessed he’d chosen me again.

  Two weeks before I was set to leave for basic training, Vel, Randy, Reggie, and I scheduled a night out. That particular night, Reggie and Randy’s friend, Tony, also had a room in the same hotel. Reggie and I lay in bed together, clothed, but as close as the fabric of our shirts and pants would allow. Vel sat in the desk chair glaring at Randy because he wanted them to hang with Tony and the others in their rooms. Honestly, I wanted them to go too. For some reason, the room seemed too small for us all. I wanted to be alone with Reggie. If it were the last time, there were things to say and do before I left. In fact, maybe it wouldn’t have to be the last time at all.

  I wondered if that night could solidify it all, proving life could happen in Portsmouth, in Lincoln Park, if I had the right man with me. I didn’t want to go to Fort Jackson, didn’t want to leave all I’d ever known. Dysfunction could become normal if I convinced myself it was. At least Reggie wasn’t hitting me, burning me, or selling drugs around the corner from my house. He had other girls, but that I could contend with. I just had to be better than them. I just had to make him want me more than them. I had done that on that night as he lay next to me in bed. I could do that every night. To be chosen over a number of girls had to be better than being the only one, the only choice. How then would I truly know what I was worth?

  Soon, after Randy and Vel annoyed each other to the point of submission, they left. Reggie and I lay in the room alone. This was a phenomenon we had yet to experience. Hotel visits had always equaled Laurie, Vel, Reggie, and Randy. Our four-way conversations and inside jokes had usually shielded me from seeing what Reggie could be as an only boyfriend to an only girlfriend. I’d never asked him about other girls, never felt a pang of jealousy when I knew he was inside of someone else, but in that room with him alone, I wanted to know everything. What about them had made him choose them too? Did he love them? I wanted to know what they did to make him smile and whether he had so many because he was as hungry as I was.

  I asked none of those things, though. Words were too heavy, too big for that night. We spoke in the language of lips against lips, fingers intertwined, legs too—belly against belly, breathing together, synchronicity. I lay on top of him, knees pressed into the mattress causing a dent in time. I begged for all of him to join with me. His hunger plus my hunger could equal one whole, satisfied being. His hands caressed my back. My lips caressed his. No lights to see, but we knew exactly where to go
. Our bodies found each other at every turn and we broke the boundaries of skin, bone, and blood.

  That next morning Reggie stole out of the room, went to the Hardee’s next door, and came back with breakfast for me. With all of the light invading the room, colliding, warring with the thin curtains and winning, I could see him, myself, and still I wanted him. That night, after lovemaking, after silence died with the rising sun, I decided to stay. Nights like those only happened when they were made to happen, and I was strong enough to make them my every day.

  As I got dressed, Reggie went to the lobby to settle the bill. “I’ll meet you outside,” I said, ready to step out of the confines of the room and embrace the world that held our night.

  I opened the door of the room. Sunlight welcomed me, and Virginia’s September wind beckoned me outside. I looked out at the cars running along Frederick Boulevard. It was a Sunday morning and still so busy. Maybe people were going to church or to new lives also shaped in the span of a night. I should go to church too, I thought as I leaned against the banister.

  Since I was staying, I hoped Reggie could set me up somewhere. Maybe I’d even get pregnant so I could get my own place, maybe in Lincoln Park. None of the particulars mattered, because I’d wait for him until he realized he only needed one and I was more than enough.

  I began my wait leaning on that hotel banister. I had no watch, so I counted the times the stoplight at the intersection changed. Nine cycles from green to yellow to red had passed, but not one Reggie. I thought he could be with Randy and Tony in their room, but they needed to check out too.