Goodbye Uncertainty

by Jacquelyn Ayres

  “Becca, do you remember what I said to you in the office when you asked me that?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then stop asking me, baby.” He looks up at me. “Becs, there’s not another woman on this planet who has made me feel the way you make me feel. Christ, the depth to the emotions I feel with you is insane. I’ve never laughed so hard with another woman, or cried so hard over one. You know me, Becs—I’m the ‘let it roll off your back’ type. It’s rare for me to cry—literally cry—about anything.”

  “Being an alpha male and all,” I cut in.

  “Yeah, don’t act like you don’t like that.” His voice has a hint of seduction in it. I offer him a playful smirk.

  “Can I continue now, Miss Rudeness?” he asks. I nod, playful smirk still intact. “You’ve got this amazing ability to make my heart leap all over the place one minute, and then crush it to smithereens the next. Nobody gets me like you do. Nobody calls me out on my shit like you do. No one has ever made me feel comfortable or nervous as hell like you. You challenge me, inspire me, interest me, and have helped me become the father I’ve always wanted to be. Then we get to the outside beauty. Christ, baby, I could stare at you every minute of every day for the rest of my life and never once feel the desire to change the channel. You are my favorite smell, my favorite touch ... taste.” He kisses my neck. “And my favorite sound.” He picks his head up to look at me. His left hand palms my right cheek, his thumb freeing my lip. “Becca, baby, if you don’t stop doing that, you’ll give me no choice but to lie you down on this table and fornicate with you like Sister Husband and Mr. Sprocket.” A giggle erupts freely from me. His reference to two of the characters in Where the Heart Is comes from the several times I’ve subjected him to watching it with me.

  “Hmm, you fall more under the ‘Forney’ category,” I say thoughtfully.

  “Yeah, I’ve always thought so too. Poor horny Forney.” He shakes his head with deep sympathy for the fictional character, causing me to burst into another fit of laughter. “You know, the only reason I watched that movie so many times with you was because I was hoping a damn lightbulb would go on and stay on! Sometimes it would go on and I’d get laid. But ... as we both know ... ”

  “Next day—lights off,” I say, and sigh.

  “Yep!”

  “Sorry,” I murmur. His eyes search mine. There’s a hint of a smile in the corners of them. He leans up for a kiss, then another ... so on and so forth. “Ray, stop, baby.” I grab his wandering hand.

  “Please hurry, Becca,” he breathes. His frustration lingers in the air above us as he leans back in the chair.

  “I’m trying.”

  “Yeah, you are trying.” He offers a soft, playful smirk. I smack his chest. He grabs my offensive hand and brings it up to his lips for a kiss. Ugh! Christ, does he know how to distract me. He arches an eyebrow, studying me as he bites playfully at my wrist. I swallow hard ... probably to push the butterflies down. Pull it together, Becca! Damn hormones!

  “Did Annie get her period?” I ask as I finally think of where I left off. Ray slowly lowers my hand, the seductive expression gone from his face. Yes, that was quite the cock block, if I do say so myself!

  “Yes. It happened just the way you say it did, because my mother must’ve told you.” He looks away.

  “Your mom did not tell me, Ray!” I rip my hand from his grasp.

  “Becca, c’mon, just move along.” He waves dismissively.

  “Raymond McNeil, have I ever lied to you?” Oh, I am boiling over now. He shoots me a condescending look. “I have never lied to you!” I defend myself.

  “‘Ray, you’re just my friend ... I don’t feel that way toward you.’” He imitates me.

  “That’s different and not fair!” I say, raising my voice.

  “You want to talk about what’s not fair?” His voice goes an octave louder than mine.

  I grasp his face with both hands and rest my forehead against his.

  “Please, baby, please ... I don’t want to fight. I’m just trying to tell you everything.”

  “And I’m listening, babe.” He lowers his voice.

  “But you don’t believe anything I’m telling you.”

  “Yes, I do. I’m trying to, at least. Please, go on.” He grabs my hands and plants a kiss on each palm.

  “Well, we went back and forth about our feelings and you got really mad at me and told me about my birthday and how hard I came for you.”

  “Three times,” Ray cuts in. I dart my eyes up to find a satisfied smirk on his face as he stares off into the memory, I think. I suddenly feel like I might vomit, and while I’d like to chalk it up to morning sickness, I’d be lying to myself. I get off of his lap. “Where are you going, baby?” he asks, completely oblivious.

  “I just remembered my prenatal vitamin. If I don’t take it now, I’ll forget. I’ll be right back,” I answer nonchalantly. Half lie—I only “remembered” now as an excuse to get far away from him. I have a terrible need to sob pathetically, and I have to give in to it. I climb the stairs quickly and run to our room. I close the door behind me. My tears emerge right away, and I head into the bathroom and turn on the faucet to drown out the sound. I put the toilet lid down, sit, and drop my head into my palms. My body shakes, keeping tempo with my cries. Becca, pull it together! But I can’t. Even Ghetto Sybecca is crying into her brass knuckles.

  “Becs?” Ray opens the door. He turns the faucet off and kneels in front of me. “Becs?” he asks again softly. “What’s the matter, baby?” He massages my shoulders. God, I can’t look up at him.

  “I’ll be fine. Can I just have a few minutes?” I ask without moving.

  “No. I need to know why you are so upset.” He sounds worried, but I say nothing. “Becca, if it’s what I’m thinking it is—I am truly sorry. I should never have done that to you, baby. It’s not even in my character. I just ... this past year, I started losing all hope for us. I didn’t think this day would ever come. I know you keep saying ‘bare feet’ to me, but it’s going to take me a long time before I fully let my guard down. I’ve been fighting so long for your love. I’m afraid that when my mom leaves, you’ll go back to being forgetful Lucy.”

  “I was thinking we should get a Great Dane and name her Lucy.” I look up.

  “But your ability to pull shit completely out of left fucking field? Well, baby ... I’m pretty sure that will always stay intact.” He shakes his head at me.

  “I don’t want to be Lucy anymore. I don’t want to drive you to do things you wouldn’t normally do ever again.” I wipe my tears on my sleeves and blow my nose in the tissues he hands to me. He continues to kneel patiently, rubbing my legs for comfort.

  “I promise, no matter what happens, Becs, I will never do anything like that again. And just to satisfy the quota for my left-field action, I will never again argue with you in a moving vehicle that either one of us is driving.”

  “You never let me drive.”

  “Babe ... you drive like you’re competing in NASCAR—it’s a little scary.” He sits back on his heels.

  “Have you ever driven with Stacey?” I ask.

  “Just for ten minutes, and never again.” His eyes go wide.

  “Did she apply her makeup while driving with her knee?” I smile, knowing I’m proving a point as to what scary driving really is.

  “Please, I can’t talk about it. It was very traumatic. It took everything in me to fight off the urge to suck my thumb and cry for Mama.” He closes his eyes and shakes off a shiver. I can’t help but laugh at his theatrics.

  “Ray, when you said ‘three times,’ you got a satisfied smirk on your face and you looked lost in the memory. I just don’t understand how you can truly be remorseful if you’re relishing in it.” My nose flares as I feel new tears wanting to spring to life. Ray looks at me thoughtfully. He slaps his knees, then stands up.

  “Come on, no more conversation in the bathroom.” He holds out his hands. I take them, letting him lead me i
nto the bedroom. He arranges the pillows up against the headboard and sits with his back to them. “C’mere.” He pats the bed. I look at him with hesitation. “Ugh! Becs, c’mon, we’re talking. That’s it. For now,” he adds with a grin. I take in a deep breath and crawl around his legs and up into his arms.

  “I can see that I’m losing my side of the bed again.” I look up at him.

  His knuckles graze my cheek. “Our side, baby.” He plants a soft kiss on my nose. Country Sybecca twirls her low ponytails, staring at her picture of Ray. She’s wearing a cute little froufrou nighty with bunny slippers. She sways back and forth, hugging herself. I feel Ray’s soft lips beckoning mine open. I willing comply—and he pulls away. “Wait, babe, before we have an intermission.”

  “An intermission?”

  “Yes—a—much—needed—intermission,” he says between kisses. “I need to clear something up.” His fingers caress my cheek.

  “What?”

  “I wasn’t relishing in the memory of what I did to you. I was relishing in the memory of what you said to me that night, after we made love.” He searches my eyes.

  “What did I say?” I ask, feeling some relief from this clarification already.

  “You said, ‘Ray, I’m so in love with you. You must know this. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to give you what you need. I’m just scared. There’s only one other man I’ve ever loved like I love you, and he was ripped from me tragically. I’m so afraid I’m going to lose you, too. I know it’s silly, but I can’t seem to get my mind to push pass that fear. Please don’t give up on me. I promise—one day, it won’t be like this anymore.’” He kisses my forehead.

  “I said all that?” I look up.

  “Yes. That’s why I slipped you the pill again and again. You have such clarity. You’re very aware of us. I needed the validation. It was selfish and it won’t happen again, but it wasn’t just about the sex.”

  “It’s strange that it affected me like that. Isn’t it supposed to sort of cloud your judgment?”

  “Well, maybe because your judgment is already cloudy when it comes to our relationship, it had the opposite effect on you. In any case, it was very wrong of me, and I’m sorry for every time except the last.” His hand travels to my belly. “Are you disappointed that you’re having my babies—not Grayson’s?”

  “What?! Ray, why would you ask me that?” I push away from him.

  “Really, babe? You’re not sure?” He pulls his shirt off.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Getting ready for intermission, Becs. Now answer me.” He grabs my sweater and yanks it up and over my head. I stare at him, dumbfounded. He takes in a deep breath and exhales with frustration. “Answer the goddamn question, baby!”

  “Uh, well, I’m not happy about the way it happened, but I am happy they’re here and you’re their father,” I say quickly. Satisfied with my answer, he leans in and rubs his lips against mine quite seductively. This warrants erratic breathing on my part. “Ray.” I place my hands on his shoulders, trying to keep him at arm’s length.

  “Becca, goddamn it, we’ve been talking for two hours. Intermission, baby.” He takes my hands off of his shoulders and hooks his right arm under the small of my back, pulling me down so I’m lying completely flat on the bed. I stare up into his eyes, watching them search mine for the okay.

  Because I love him. Because I need to do everything I can to prove this is real. Because I know the next part of the story may bring him more doubt. Because I’m feeling intoxicated by his scent ... his touch ... his eyes. Because this pregnancy is making me horny as hell, I raise my head up to his and nudge his lips with mine. His response is urgent. I help him remove the rest of my clothing, as well as his own. Horny Sybecca snaps her whip at the floor. She’s decked out in full leather garb and looking to take control of the situation.

  “Damn, baby,” he gasps as I push him onto his back and straddle him. He fights against the pressure of my hands trying to pin his arms down. I suddenly find myself upright, his chest pressed against mine as he pins my arms behind my back. He slowly bites across my left shoulder, my neck, and then my right shoulder.

  “Ray, let me touch you, baby.” I nip at his earlobe.

  “It’s tough not being able to touch the one you love, huh?” He looks into my eyes.

  “Yes it is ... like torture,” I add. He releases my arms.

  “Don’t, um ... don’t ever try to pin my arms down again. I need to be able to touch you at all times when we’re in bed. Okay?”

  “Okay. I won’t. I’m sorry.” I strum my forefinger across his bottom lip before I lean in to grasp it with mine. I’m so lost in our kiss, I barely notice the slight shift of movement as his arm hooks around my lower back. He grabs my hip to raise me and guide me back down onto him quickly. I whimper slightly through the stretch and lay my forehead against his as we slowly match each other’s rhythm.

  Ray and I lie in each other’s arms, wrapped in post-coital bliss, and try to steady our breathing.

  “Whenever you’re ready, please go on with the story.” He runs his fingers up and down my back so softly it almost tickles.

  “Um, where was I?” I wince, trying to think.

  “Uh, when I told you—”

  “Right, right.” I cut him off. “Well, you left and I got sick to my stomach and ran off. Grayson brought me upstairs to rest. He asked me if I remembered my birthday. I told him what I remembered at the bar and how, the next morning, you looked like you knew something I didn’t.” I stop at the sound of him lightly chuckling. I look up at him.

  “That morning was so effin’ hot!”

  “Anyway!” I sigh with irritation. Ray shrugs. “Later, Stacey tried to talk to me about you, but I went apeshit on her. Grayson decided to give her a what for because he couldn’t stand how she was treating me. That’s when she told him that you were worried I was going to press charges and to please wait until after Christmas for Annie’s sake.”

  “Wait!” He stops me. “Why would you be pressing charges against me?” he asks, looking confused.

  “Uh ... for date-raping me, Ray.” I pick my head up this time to look at him.

  “What? Becca, I didn’t ... that wasn’t ... no, I wouldn’t ... it wasn’t ... I ... no!” He freaks out, making him unable to finish a sentence. He sits up. The color has drained from his face. “Oh God, baby, I never once looked at it that way. I mean, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it never occurred to me to think of it like that. Were you going to press charges?” I see his level of panic rising and rising.

  “No. It wasn’t even a thought that crossed my mind. I just wanted to understand why ... how you could do that to me. So, I called you later.”

  He grasps my face urgently. “Becs ... baby, is that how you feel? Do you feel like I raped you?” His eyes search mine.

  “Ray, what you did is considered rape. I don’t know what you want me to say. It is a bit different than other cases. I know I had a hand in driving you to that point.” I squeeze my eyes shut.

  “No, baby, there’s no excuse for what I did. I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am. Please look at me.” I open my eyes. “Please forgive me.”

  “I have. I am. Clean slate, Ray. We’re both not happy with the way we’ve behaved in the past. Things are going to be different now. I love you, Ray. I want this. I want us. After today, I don’t want us to harp on the things we’ve done in the past. Can we make a pact?” I place my hands on top of his and get on my knees.

  “Anything you want.”

  “Ray, we’re both stubborn and we’re both passionate, intelligent people who are used to doing things our own way. We are going to have huge arguments over the years and that’s fine. We will get through them. Please, we have to promise here and now that we will never, ever throw what we did in the past in each other’s faces. We can tease here and there, because that’s how we are, but let’s never use it against each other in anger. If we do, it will destroy us, Ray. I know
it will. Do you agree?” I squeeze his hands.

  “Becca,” he says through his teeth, apparently fighting off tears. “Do you have any idea how amazing you are?” He shakes his head slightly for emphasis. “How did I get so lucky, baby?” His lips slam onto mine. He lets go of my face to embrace me. I pull away after a few moments.

  “It’s a deal?” I ask.

  “Yes, baby.” He pecks at my lips again and again.

  “Ray, we need to finish before I have to start cooking dinner.”

  He looks past me to the clock.

  “Oh, we’ll be finished way before.” He smiles and tugs me back to him.

  “Stop!” I laugh.

  “I can’t help it.” He touches my face. “You’re here, and you’re beautiful, and you’re very naked, and you love me. You smell good.” He leans forward and inhales deeply. “You taste good.” He kisses at my neck.

  “Ah ... Ray—please,” I gasp as he tweaks my nipples.

  “You respond well to my touch.” His voice is becoming more and more seductive. “You feel good.” He slides his hands down my body and around to my bum. He massages my cheeks with purpose. Before I know it, I feel his palm slap my left bum cheek, creating the most delicious sting. I gasp, closing my eyes and holding onto him to steady myself. My breathing is so erratic it’s beyond controllable. “Again, baby?” he asks, almost in a whisper.

  “Yes, please.” I speak in the soft tone that always stirs something deep inside of him.

  “Christ, you’re so fucking hot, baby,” he says just before his hand comes down on my bum again. Ray stifles my groan with his mouth. “Baby.” He pulls away, gasping.

  “How do you want me?” I kiss down his jawline.

  “Grand slam, baby.” He grabs a pillow and throws it toward me before he tries to guide my hips. I turn, scrunching the pillow under me as I part my knees for him.

  “You gonna hit it out of the ball park, babe?” I tease.