Goodbye Uncertainty

by Jacquelyn Ayres

  Me: What? C’mon, Ray! At least have lunch with me!

  Ray: Baby, I love you. I can’t.

  Me: I’m bringing your lunch.

  Ray: No, I’ll get something. Don’t worry.

  Me: C U soon! ;-p

  Ray: Becs! I said no, babe! Please, I’m busy!

  I ignore his last text and head into the camera store. I get Elise a super-duper lens for her Canon. Next stop, the deli. I order subs for Ray and I as well as grab him some chips and a root beer ... eck! I head back to my truck, happy to unload all of my new treasures. I get in and drive down to Ray’s office. I grab our lunch, my purse, and the black Sharpie I found on the floor of the truck. I get off the elevator on the third floor and head through the double glass doors.

  “Hi, Becca!” Gwen smiles and hugs me. “Ray’s on the phone with a client,” she says.

  “Oh, well, can you bring this in to him? I need to use the ladies’.” I hand her the bag with our lunch.

  “Sure.” She smiles.

  “Thanks!” I head down the hall to the bathroom. As soon as I lock the door behind me, I get to work. I pull my panties off and stick them in my purse. I pull out the Sharpie and close the toilet lid before putting my right foot up. I hike up my dress and begin to write on my inner thigh. I blow on and fan it ‘til it’s dry. I switch legs and write on the left inner thigh, then follow the same drying regiment. I try to wipe at it. Nothing! I’m good to go. I throw the Sharpie into my purse and head out to Ray’s office.

  I open the door to find him behind his desk on the other side of the room, his back turned. I quietly close the door behind me and lock it. As if he can sense my presence, he turns around and shakes his head at me. I walk toward him. He sits in his chair, trying to ignore me.

  “Rich, we’ll do it better than Greerson, and for a quarter-mil less. Yes, one million,” he says into the phone. Go! he mouths, trying to shoo me away with his hand. I sit atop his desk in front of him instead. “Listen, I’ll have the plans drawn up and on your desk by Monday morning. I guarantee you’ll like what you see, man.” He leans forward and plants a soft kiss on my knee. His free hand travels slowly up my leg, under my dress, and to my hip. His eyes widen and his hand searches around my hip for my panties. He shakes his head in disbelief and smacks his head against my knees gently over and over again. “Yes, Rich. Email me what they want. Nine a.m. Monday morning, not a minute later. Okay, very good. You, too! See you then—bye.” He hangs up and presses the button for Gwen.

  “Yes, Ray?” she asks.

  “Gwen, please hold my calls for a lunch break.”

  “Will do.”

  “Thanks.” He hits the button again. He slides his hands up my legs, taking my dress with them, then moves back down to hook my knees. He tugs at them, pulling me to the edge of the desk. I feel myself tremble with anticipation. He whips my legs open, then gasps when he reads the message he uncovers. Two simple words seem to ignite him like a volcano. He stands up quickly, pulling at his belt, and I start to unbutton his jeans. He pushes my hands away, taking care of it himself (clearly I’m not moving fast enough). Before I know it, he tilts my hips up and rams inside of me, my “Fuck Me” sign rubbing against his hips as he pounds into me. His hand covers my mouth to stifle my moans. “Shh,” he adds. Within minutes, Ray spills himself inside of me. He bites my lip hard as his last quake courses through him. “Jesus Christ, Becca!” He leans his forehead against mine. I trail soft kisses down his cheek to his mouth and cover it purposefully with my own. “Mmm,” he groans as he pulls away. “Go clean up in the bathroom and I’ll set up our lunch on the couch.” He pats my hip.

  “Okay, baby.” I nudge his lips again with mine. He helps me off his desk and swats my bum as I head off. I swing back around and go to my purse. Diving my hand in, I retrieve my panties and wave them at him, smiling before I head back toward his private bathroom. He bites his smile back and shakes his head at me.

  I walk back in to find Ray has already wolfed down half of his sandwich.

  “Hungry?” I raise an eyebrow and sit across from him.

  “Mmm.” He takes another bite. I settle in to my turkey and cheese with extra mayo. Ray thumbs mayo away from the corner of my mouth. I grab his hand and suck the mayo off his thumb, giving him a reminder of the sexual shenanigans that went on in our bed this morning. I watch as he closes his eyes and licks his lips. I kiss his thumb and release his hand.

  “So, was that a possible future project you were on the phone about?” I ask before taking another bite of my sub, unaffected by my own teasing.

  “Uh, yeah.” Ray opens his eyes. “I hope,” he adds. “I’m not going to make much of a profit, though.”

  “Why?” I sip my coffee.

  “Because I underbid Greerson, which I never do. Greerson is the one who underbids. He gets a lot of business that way, but the quality sucks. I’ve been hired often to fix his structural designs. He has a habit of cutting corners that are still within legal limits, but shouldn’t be cut.” He grabs the other half of my sub and starts eating it like he always does. I don’t know where this guy puts it all.

  “Well, why did you underbid him?”

  “Two reasons,” he says with his mouth full like a twelve-year-old boy. He swallows and takes a swig of root beer. “First, I desperately need to line some projects up. I’ve been a little preoccupied.” He ignores the look I give him, because he knows I would’ve never wanted him to neglect his business. “Second, I’ve decided to try a different tactic and put my name out there. They’ll like my work, and they won’t have to pay extra to correct it. That should help get my firm more referrals.” He nods like he’s agreeing with himself.

  “Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” I say, a bit unsure as to whether I should bring this up now.

  “What’s that, baby?” He pops the last bite of my sub into his mouth.

  “I’d like to sit down with you and go over what I’d like for the renovations at the inn.”

  “Becs,” he stops me, shaking his head. “We can’t do that right now, baby. I’m sorry.”

  “Why? You said you’re trying to line up projects. This would be a huge project for you!” I slap his leg.

  “Becca, listen to me, honey. I want to do the renovations for you. I want to give you everything you desire. I just ... I don’t have it to give right now. Once I get things rolling again, I’ll be able to do it.” He rubs my arms up and down.

  “Ray, you’re not making any sense! You need to get work for your firm, and this is a huge project.”

  Ray stands up, running his hands through his hair.

  “Becca, I don’t have the goddamn resources to fucking pay for it!” He can barely restrain his frustration. I stand up and walk over to him.

  “Ray. Stop.” I grab him. “Grayson is paying for the renovations. He made me promise I would do it. He also told me to tell you to take the money for it, or he will haunt you for the rest of your life.” I smile, hoping to provoke one from him. Yeah ... it doesn’t work.

  “I am not taking your money! I don’t care what Grayson made you promise! You are no longer his responsibility—you are mine!” he says through his teeth.

  “Well, technically, we’re not married, so Morgan and I still fall under the category of being Grayson’s responsibility!” Cautionary Sybecca shakes her head and holds up her new ticker board. It reads: “Ohhhhh faaaaaackkk!”

  “The answer is NO! And I’m going to tell you something else! I am not competing with a dead guy anymore! YOU HEAR ME? I’M DONE WITH IT!” he yells. It’s so loud, I can sense the people in the office stopping in their tracks.

  “A dead guy?” I can hardly believe he referred to Grayson like that.

  “DEAD! D.E.A.D. DEAD!” he shouts. I hold Ghetto Sybecca and her brass knuckles back.

  “Well you know what, Ray? You’re going to look like a complete idiot when your top competitor, what’s his name? Beckett? Yeah, you’re going to look like an idiot when Be
ckett is the one hired to do your fiancée’s renovations!” Ha! Take that, McNeil!

  “Humph ... I don’t see a fucking ring on your finger.” He grabs my hand to look. “Do you?” he asks, throwing it down. I take in a sharp breath and feel my nose flare to stop my tears—and possibly my heart from shattering into a million pieces.

  “Okay,” I murmur softly and nod in defeat. I grab my purse and run out of his office. I don’t even put the energy into slamming his door. What’s the point? Before I reach the double glass doors, I hear Ray yell “Damn it!” and glass breaking in his office. I step into the elevator and press the button for the first floor. As I quietly sob, I decide that today was probably not a good day to bring up the renovations.

  I climb into the truck and head back to Ray’s house. I know what I have to do. What I need to do.

  “Morgan, c’mon, sweetie.” I grip her hand.

  “What’s up, Mom?” she asks as I pull her along.

  “You and I are taking a trip. Don’t say anything. Just pack what you want from here for now,” I say, and leave her at her door. She goes in hesitantly. I head to Ray’s room and grab a suitcase to fill with my maternity clothes and toiletries. “Ready?” I ask, and grab her hand.

  “Um, yeah.” She holds her bag up.

  “Where are you two going?” Annie asks as she walks down the hall.

  “We have a family emergency, honey. We’ll call you later.” I hug her and kiss her hair. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, Mom.”

  Morgan and I run downstairs and out of the house.

  “We have to stop at the inn.” I look over at her, ignoring my phone. It’s blowing up.

  “Mom, Ray’s calling you. Aren’t you going to answer it?” She holds it up.

  “No,” I say simply and put the truck in gear.

  “Where are we going, Mommy?” She puts the phone down.

  “Home,” I sigh.

  “To the inn?”

  “No, baby. To California.” I look over at her.

  “To our old home with Daddy?!” She smiles excitedly. I nod.

  “Claudia.” I hug her when I walk in.

  “Hey, what are you doing here?” She rubs my back.

  “Just grabbing a few things. Morgan and I are heading out to California for a little bit. I need to go get our tickets and set up transportation.”

  “Um. Okay. Do you need a ride to the airport?” she asks, sounding unsure.

  “Yes, please.” I sigh and pick up my bags. I almost head to the room Grayson and I were sharing, but am reminded not to do so when a guest walks out of it.

  I place the bags on the table in my room.

  “Where the hell is my laptop?” I search around, then slap myself on the head. I just wasted several minutes looking for the laptop that Grayson bought me in my subconscious. What the fuck? I grab another bag and put Grayson’s Christmas gift to me in it, as well as some other things. My cell pings. I pick it up and take in a deep breath.

  December 30, 2012 2:43 p.m.

  Ray: Where are you going?

  Ray: Please don’t leave me, baby. I’m sorry.

  I put the phone down. I’ll deal with him later. My phone rings, and I look at it.

  “Hey Claudia,” I answer.

  “Hey, just booked your flights. We have to roll now, though,” she says.

  “Oh my God, you are awesome!” She totally is! I hang up and grab Morgan’s gift from Grayson. Shit! I go into my desk drawer and grab the keys to the ranch. I haven’t called Susanna or Sam yet. They may be somewhere off with the boys. Double shit! If they are, I’m going to have to call Derek to come and get us. His wife may not be too pleased. He only got back two days ago. Oh well, I’ll figure it out! I open the next drawer and pull out the checkbook that still has mine and Grayson’s name on it. I write Artie a check for fifty grand and a blank check made out to Ray’s firm, then quickly pen a letter to Artie and put it in an envelope with both checks for Claudia to give him. Okay, I think that’s it. I slam the door and a picture falls out of one of the bill slots. It’s a picture of Ray and me, cheek to cheek, smiling. I throw it in my purse. I place Ray’s gift on my bed and grab my bag. Locking the door behind me, I answer my phone.

  “Derek, hi!” I head down the stairs.

  “Becs, what’s going on, love? Ray is going out of his bloody mind!”

  “Do you know if Susanna and Sam are home, or are they visiting the boys?” I ignore his question.

  “With the boys. Why?”

  “Okay. I’ll need you to pick us up from the airport. I’ll call you with the details.” I sigh.

  “Wait! What?” he yells. Damn it. I had a feeling he was not going to be thrilled.

  “I’m leaving now. I’ll call you back.” I hang up. “C’mon, let’s go.” I grab Claudia. We run out to the truck and I hand her the keys. Within an hour, she has us at the airport.

  “Please give this to Artie without Ray seeing. Tell Ray there’s something on my bed for him. Here, Merry Christmas.” I hand her the gift certificates I picked up and give her a hug.

  “Are you coming back?” she asks, her eyes wide with panic.

  “Yes. We won’t be gone long. I just need to take care of a few things.” I hug her again. “Thank you, Claudia, you’re doing a great job!”

  “Thanks.” She smiles, “Love you!”

  “Love you too! C’mon Morgy,” I say, and we jump out. I text Derek to be at LAX at five p.m. Morgan and I check in and run to the gate. We’re the last to board.

  “Mommy, we’re in first class?” Morgan asks. Her eyes go wide.

  “Yeah, that’s all that was left.” I half smile.

  “Cool.” She plops down. “Uh ... Mom.” She looks to me, then points to her window. I lean over and see Ray pointing to the door of the gate and begging the clerk at the desk. Shit! They close the door to the plane. I watch Ray as the plane backs out. He kneels slowly in front of the window as we taxi away, his hands pulling at his hair. Liz pops into my mind. Oh, crap! Becca—you asshole! I take out my cell.

  December 30, 2012 4:33 p.m.

  Me: I love you! I WILL be back! I need to sort a few things out for me ... for us. I promise. I love you!

  I turn my phone off before I get The Look from the steward.

  RAY

  “Ray ... Ray, baby?” I close my eyes at the sound of my mother’s voice.

  “Son, where’s Becca and Morgan?” Dad asks.

  “Gone.” I barely recognize my own voice. I stand up and turn around to face my parents and Annie. They’re all out of breath from trying to keep up with me.

  “What happened, Ray baby?” Mama asks.

  “Talk to us, son,” my father adds.

  “Oh, Dad, I uh ... I really did it now. I screwed up big time today.” I sit down and put my head in my hands.

  “What happened?” Dad asks again as they all sit across from me.

  “Well, I asked Becca not to come today for lunch. I was in the zone with work and trying to line some possibilities up. I didn’t want to be distracted by her. She’s safe, well, and home. I needed to focus on work. Of course, Becca being Becca, she didn’t listen. It was fine though, we were eating lunch and discussing the project I put in a bid for. So she decides to talk about doing renovations at the inn. I told her I’m not in the position to do that right now. ‘Bout killed me to tell her that. We went back and forth. She just wasn’t getting it!” I sit back, frustrated. “Then she informs me that Grayson is paying for it, that ‘technically’ she and Morgan are still his responsibility. I told her no, that I’m tired of competing with a dead guy and that I wasn’t going to do it anymore.”

  “Raymond Patrick! Please tell me you did not refer to Grayson as a dead guy, literally!” Mama’s eyes have daggers aimed at me, waiting to fire.

  “Yeah. Not proud of myself, Mama. She repeated me, very hurt, and I actually screamed in her face, DEAD, D.E.A.D. DEAD.” I shake my head, disgusted with myself.

  “Oh, Ray
mond.” Mama’s face matches the disgust I feel.

  “Wait, it gets better!” I widen my eyes. I tell them about Becca threatening to hire Beckett and how I said in so many words not to call herself my fiancée.

  “You fucking idiot!” My father, who never says boo to anything, looks as if his head just might explode.

  “Arthur!” Mama gasps.

  “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Becca is the best thing that has ever happened to you! You ... ugh ... I could just—” Dad wrings an imaginary neck. I actually feel like I’m ten and am about to get a whoopin’.

  “Hey, guys! Phew! I didn’t think I’d find you! I saw you pulling in as I was leaving,” Claudia says breathlessly.

  “Claudia! Claudia!” I jump up. “You dropped them off?” I hold her at arm’s length. “What did she say?” I ask, but I’m not sure I can bear to hear the answer.

  “She said she needed to take care of a few things, that she needed to sort herself out.” I let her sit. “She did say that you two had a terrible fight. That’s why she wouldn’t answer your calls. That and she didn’t want you to try to talk her out of leaving. Ray—” she touches my knee. I look up at her. “She’s coming back. She told me so.” She offers me a smile.

  “She did? She is?” I feel hope bloom inside of me.

  “Yes. But she also told me to tell you not to follow her out there. She wants you to concentrate on the plans you need ready for Monday. She left you a gift at the inn on her bed.”

  “Idiot!” Dad interjects again.

  “Thanks, Dad, appreciate it!” I smile sarcastically.

  “Oh, by the way, Mr. McNeil, can I see you for a second?” She gets up and grabs my father’s arm. They walk off and I watch as she passes an envelope to him. My dad opens it, puts something in his pocket, and starts reading a letter. He shakes his head, then gives Claudia a hug and kiss. She waves to us and heads off.

  “What’s that, Dad?” I ask, feeling a bit calmer now.

  “Oh, I’m going to share this with you, and then let me tell you something! When I’m done, you are going to listen to everything I say and do as you are told, or so help me God, Raymond!” I can hear the air release from the can of whoopass my father is itching to bust the seal on. Like a good ten-year-old boy, I nod. He unfolds the letter and clears his throat.