Goodbye Uncertainty

by Jacquelyn Ayres

Grayson

  I grab some tissues out of the box to wipe away my tears and blow my nose. With a deep breath and shaky hand, I turn the page to find a poem of mine.

  I HAVE THIS

  I have this pain …It’s deep within

  I have this pain … It’s been my only friend

  I have this heartache … It echoes inside

  I have this heartache … From it, I cannot hide

  I have this memory … Of a smile on my face

  I have this memory … Of a smile I cannot trace

  I have this voice … It’s inside my head

  I have this voice … It makes me regret

  I have this peace … That wants to get out

  I have this peace … So tired, it cannot shout

  I have this tear … Who will not shed

  I have this tear … Whose secret I’ve kept

  I have this dream … And I will never let go

  I have this dream … And it’s draining my soul

  I have this time … To myself I cry

  I have this time … To you, I say goodbye

  BKC 1995

  The next page is his rebuttal.

  I HAVE THIS

  I have this love … It’s deep within

  I have this love …It’s a very new friend

  I have this butterfly …It flutters inside

  I have this butterfly …Your touch, it ignites

  I have this memory …Of a smile on your face

  I have this memory …Of the warmth in your embrace

  I have this voice …It’s inside my heart

  I have this voice …It’s travelled so far

  I have this peace …That has gotten out

  I have this peace …It’s awake and very loud

  I have this fear …I want to put to bed

  I have this fear …I will not allow to tread

  I have this dream …It is my only goal

  I have this dream …And I will not hear “No”

  I have this time …To show you what’s inside

  I have this time …Convince you, I will try

  Grayson James 2005

  I smile, touching his words with my fingertips. I turn the page to find a layout of us in the beginning. The title reads: TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE?

  Why was that even a question? he wrote underneath, making me giggle and shake my head. On the bottom half of the layout’s left side is my poem.

  I OFTEN DO

  No one will hear me … No one will listen

  I feel so empty … I’m through with wishin’

  I have lost myself … Don’t know what to feel

  How can I tell. … Between fake and real?

  So many unanswered questions … They surround my head

  So many decisions … Their importance, I try to forget

  I am numb. … I am tired

  I cannot run. … My youth has expired

  What is love? … Can it grow?

  It is tough … To really not know

  Nothing makes sense … And neither do I

  Even though I’ve built a fence … I often do cry

  BKC 1996

  On the right side are more pictures of us in the beginning. I seem to be warming up to him a little more. On the bottom half of that page is his poem in response to mine.

  I OFTEN DO

  I’m here to break down your fence

  I understand it might take a while

  Your sadness has made a lot of sense

  But now I think it’s time for you to smile

  For my feelings are very real

  I know that this is love

  It’s a pretty big deal

  The only thing I’m now certain of

  Look at these two kids laughing

  Aren’t we so young?

  Some questions don’t need answering

  Some reservations can come undone

  Grayson James 2005

  Before I met Grayson, I was always happy and outgoing, or so it seemed. On the inside, I felt very empty and sad. I always took pen to paper to acknowledge those feelings and have a safe place for them. I was never sure why I felt that way. I think feeling “stuck” as a teenager spilled over into my early twenties. I was always more mature in my thoughts and emotions as a teenager. It’s pretty hard to have all of these adult thoughts and not be able to do anything about them, which is why I’ve always called the teenage years Purgatory. Once I was of age, I think I thought life would magically begin! I set out to move to Boston and start my, what was supposed to be, amazing life. It turned out to be an amazing struggle instead. I worked eighty hours a week trying to put myself through college, and waited. Waited for my life to start. Then Grayson happened. My amazing life began, and I fought it tooth and nail until I finally allowed myself to have what I didn’t think I deserved.

  I turn to the next page. The title says: COME AWAY WITH ME. There are pictures of us on different trips we took. A lot of locations were stops on his book tours. It took him two months after we were engaged to get me to quit my jobs and come with him. I find myself laughing at us all decked out in Manchester United garb, cheering. I think that was the first Manchester United game he dragged me to. Derek snapped this shot. God, we all used to have such a good time together. We always considered ourselves lucky when it came to our friends. I became close with Derek, and Grayson with Stacey. We were like one big family.

  I turn the page and find a bunch of my shorter poems with his answers beside them. This is really sweet, so thoughtful—and it must’ve taken him so long. I read my poems, which I haven’t looked at in years.

  WHISPER

  I am a whisper … That never gets heard

  I flow softly through the air …Seen, but never understood

  My fragrance grasps their attention …But my scent never stays

  I wander to find some affection …Hoping to find it one of these days

  I am a whisper ... That never gets heard

  A warm, sweet gesture ... That never seems understood

  I fly through the air …Like a bee on a pollen hunt

  Hoping one day they’ll care …Knowing that they won’t

  I am a whisper …Will you ever hear me?

  Come a little closer …And maybe we will see

  BKC 1996

  SOMETIMES I WONDER

  Sometimes I wonder why

  I hurt so bad

  Sometimes I wonder why

  I’m always sad

  Sometimes I wonder why

  I have uncontrollable tears

  Sometimes I wonder why

  I talk when no one hears

  Sometimes I wonder why

  My dreams are so real

  Sometimes I wonder why

  They always get killed

  Sometimes I wonder why

  I cry so hard

  Sometimes I wonder why

  My life is falling apart

  Sometimes I wonder why

  I wonder so much

  Sometimes I wonder why

  I seem to lose touch

  Sometimes I wonder ... about myself

  WHISPER

  I’ve seen you; I’ve heard you

  I’ve taken you in

  I more than understand you

  My whispering friend

  Grayson James 2005

  SOMETIMES I WONDER

  Sometimes I wonder why

  You don’t see what I see

  Sometimes I wonder why

  You just can’t seem to believe

  Sometimes I wonder ... about you

  Grayson James 2005

  The next page is a layout of our engagement photos and our wedding picture. It’s titled: HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

  We look so young, so in love, so full of promise. That was such a beautiful day. I turn the page to find another layout of poetry.

  MY CLOUD

  There’s a cloud that follows me

  It throws raindrops at my head

  It’s gray and awf
ully mean

  I think it wants me dead

  It lingers at my house

  It hovers over me in the sky

  It’s there without a doubt

  I don’t even have to go outside

  For my cloud is in my mind

  Pouring it’s sadness upon me

  Draining away all my time

  Never letting me be

  BKC 1996

  He simply drew me an umbrella and wrote, At your service!

  WHY, CAN’T I, DO I, WHEN

  Why is it all … I do is cry in my bed?

  Why do so many tears fall … When deep thoughts run through my head?

  Why do I write … Only a sad poem?

  Why do I fight … To know what is unknown?

  Can’t I ever smile … And mean the gleam in my eye?

  Can’t I once in a while … Have . . . a happy cry?

  Why am I up so late … Worrying about the same things?

  Why do I always concentrate … On far-fetched dreams?

  Is there some misunderstanding … To the way that I feel?

  Could it be that everything … Is really not real?

  Do my dreams misinterpret … The way things should be?

  Or should I admit to it … And let the blame fall on me?

  Do I have such low self-esteem … That I’m ready to give up?

  Or do I believe in my dreams … Enough for happiness to develop?

  And when does this happen? … And when do I know why?

  See, I was never living … ‘Cause all I did was cry

  BKC 1995

  WHY, CAN’T I, DO I, WHEN

  Why is it all … I do is imagine you in bed?

  Why do I always fall … When all you see is red?

  Why do I write … This very naughty poem?

  It surely wouldn’t help in the fight … To make you see that you are my “home”

  Good thing I didn’t write it … Way back when?

  When you always threw a bloody fit … And always liked to pretend

  Now I can smile … And mean the gleam in my eye

  More than once in a while … We have an orgasmic cry

  You keep me up so late … You insatiable thing!

  Always making me concentrate … On things that make you scream

  Why can’t I get enough of you? … Why can’t I keep my thoughts at bay?

  I love the way our bodies move … Christ, Becca, I love to hear you pray!

  Grayson James 2005

  I giggle and shake my head at his rebuttals. Grayson was always insatiable!

  DREAMS OF MY LOVE

  High above in the clouds … He’ll feel the warmth of my love

  And all the softness that surrounds … My heart with so many wonders of

  Captured by each other’s embrace … Knowing what we’re about to do is right

  I feel my heartbeat race … While we make love endlessly through the night

  His gentle kisses touch my tickled body … While he finds his way to my enthused tongue

  Now caressing me passionately … Again we become one

  Feeling a hot sensation … From his warm juices I’d just received

  My happiness has no limitations … For his child, I’ve just conceived

  And in our dreams it’s always like this … Our love over and over again becoming new

  Living from kiss to kiss … With each and every … “I love you”

  BKC 1991

  Please refer to my version of ‘Why, Can’t I, Do I, When.’ Then please see me to confirm that the date on this poem is indeed a typing error! In the meantime, I’m in panic mode and am now looking for a bubble to place Morgan in!

  Being a thirty-five-year-old woman now with an almost-eleven-year-old girl, I’d like very much to say that the date was a typing error. However, I’d be lying. Purgatory, that’s all I’ll say about that. Well, and that I was a good girl and waited until Grayson. I have nothing to be ashamed of! Humph!

  The next layout has our professional pictures of my pregnancy. They are black and white with a black backdrop. I’m wearing a black cardigan and black pants. My cardigan is unbuttoned below my breasts, my belly protruding. One picture is of Grayson behind me. His hands are on my belly, with mine covering them. We’re both looking down at it.

  The other picture on the page shows Grayson is kneeling in front of me and kissing my belly. I have my right hand in his hair and my left on my belly. I’m smiling down at him. In the third one, my head is back because I’m laughing, and he’s smiling up at me. Oh ... that’s when Morgan kicked him right in the “kisser.” That was funny. The right page of the layout is when Morgan was born. I’m in bed, Grayson’s leaning down over near my shoulder, and we’re both looking down at her. Next one, we’re kissing. The bottom picture is her birth announcement.

  THE SECOND HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE! he wrote on the bottom. The next page has all three of us asleep on the couch. Above the picture, I see his words: HOW CAN IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS? And below, he wrote: YOU TWO ARE MY SWEET DREAMS. On the opposite page is more poetry.

  SINGING SOLO

  I’m sitting here … I’m sitting alone

  I’m singing solo

  Goodbye, my old friend … I’m saying so long

  Never laugh again … I’m singing solo

  I’m trapped in a room … Faces stare down at me

  I’m singing solo … And only I can hear myself

  I look at my dream … He’s so beautiful

  I look at me … And I’m singing solo

  I’m sitting here crying … But no tears will fall

  I’m sitting here trying … But I’m singing solo

  My soul floats away … And my melody picks up

  I’m feeling nothing … I’m singing solo

  You were my friend … And now I’m left

  The music never ends … And I’m singing solo

  I’m still sitting here … I’m still sitting alone

  I’m still singing … solo

  BKC 1993

  SINGING SOLO

  One plus one equals two

  No more solos

  They’re not for you

  I need a partner

  One who’s “English fluent” (Ha ha!)

  Hey, you’re a good singer

  Please be the other half to my duet!

  Christ! Sounds more like a cheer than a poem! Oh well! I’m also realizing this would’ve fit better with our engagement page! What can I say ... I’m an amateur!

  Next layouts are of us dressed up for several functions with the title: THE WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT. I turn the page and see us lounging around in pajamas with the title: GORGEOUS WITHOUT GLAMOUR! A little note says, You take my breath away no matter what you wear, especially when you have nothing to wear at all! Wink, wink. I can’t help but laugh. One-track mind, that guy!

  The next few pages are of us with Morgan on various trips, outings, and in the backyard. Then the picture of us with Mickey Mouse and the title: HAPPIEST FAMILY ON EARTH AT THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH! I turn to the last page. It’s Grayson’s favorite picture of us. We’re nose to nose with our lips puckered at each other. Along with it is my “Dear God” poem, then his.

  DEAR GOD

  I want to write a letter to you

  But where do I possibly start?

  Do I remind you of my paid dues?

  Or show you the broken pieces of my heart?

  Sometimes I talk to your angels

  Inside my cluttered mind

  I ask for a hint that will be helpful

  To show me what I wanted to find

  I understand that I’ve been secretly selfish

  And don’t deserve half of what I ask for

  I’m the creator of my own disastrous mess

  And unknowingly ask for more

  BKC ????

  DEAR GOD

  I am writing a letter too

  And I know just where to start

  Please show her th
at I am the glue

  That will mend her broken heart

  Grayson James 2005

  There’s an envelope glued to the back of the book. I lift the flap and pull out a letter. I hold it in my hand for a long time, just staring at it. This is it, I feel—the final step of letting go. I take several deep breaths then slowly open the letter.

  My Dear Beautiful Wife,

  I am hoping that this book shows you how much I love and adore you. You are the most amazing wife, mother, and friend. I cherish you, sweetheart. You do everything you can to give us all what we need. You are loving, kind, and generous. I honestly don’t know a better human being than you.

  You are the light bringing me home on my darkest days. You are my voice of reason when I can’t see clearly. You are my muse, broadening my imagination to levels I never knew existed.

  Sweetheart, please, I’m struggling so hard to be all these things for you. I hurt just like you. I know it’s not exactly the same as what you are going through, but I hurt, too.

  Becca, you are not at fault, baby. You did everything right! It is so common for this to happen. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. Please stop feeling as if I do. I could never ever find you at fault, love.

  When you are ready ... we will try again. We will have the rather large, exhausting family that we have dreamt about. And we will always remember our little angel who’s up in Heaven with your parents and my father.

  Please, sweetheart, you did everything right with this pregnancy. There was nothing you could have done differently.

  I love you and Morgan so much. My heart explodes with it every time I’m with you both. Let us focus on the three of us right now. We’ll try again.

  I’m so in love with you and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms!

  Always,

  Your head-over-heels Husband,

  Grayson

  I drop the letter, unable to catch my breath. Oh my God! Oh my God! The memory hits me like a harsh smack in the face.