A Year of Taking Chances

by Jennifer Bohnet

  ‘I’m…’ Tina stopped. ‘Going to be here,’ she said. If she went away – either to France or to spend it with Luc – she’d be leaving Maisie on her own and she couldn’t do that. Not at Christmas. It might only be one day but nobody wanted to spend that particular day of the year alone.

  Maisie looked at her. ‘Because I’ll be on my own if you don’t stay here?’ She sighed. ‘Tina, after all you’ve done for me, please don’t think you have to give up your plans and stay with me at Christmas. I’ll probably be exhausted and spend the day in bed anyway. Were you going to celebrate with Luc?’

  ‘Luc and I haven’t discussed it yet but I expect he’ll celebrate with his parents,’ Tina said, looking at Maisie thoughtfully. ‘Jodie’s asked me to go to France but I think I’d rather go for New Year.’

  After all, her reasoning had always been: Christmas was family time, New Year was party time. Luc would be more likely to be free of family commitments then to go to France with her. And maybe by then his ‘complications’ would have sorted themselves out. She could only hope.

  ‘So, Christmas for you and me here in the flat,’ Tina said. ‘And then we’ll both take off for a New Year party to celebrate all things new – you up in Scotland and me in France.’

  Her laptop pinged with an incoming email. Luc. The ‘I’m sorry’ in the subject line made her heart drop before she’d even read the message telling her he couldn’t make the wedding, much as he wanted to. ‘That particular weekend is impossible.’

  Tina sighed. ‘Damn and blast. Oh well, at least I know now and can get things organised.’

  Maisie looked at her. ‘Not good news, I take it?’

  Tina shook her head. ‘Nope. I was hoping Luc would be my “plus one” for Jodie’s ma-in-law’s wedding in France but he can’t get away that weekend. Oh…’ Tina looked at Maisie in dismay. ‘I forgot to ask if you’ll be all right here on your own while I’m away? Friday to Monday, 24th to 27th November. Three nights.’

  ‘Of course I will. I’ll put a shout out on FB and invite everyone to come over for a party!’ Maisie laughed at the look of horror on Tina’s face. ‘Sorry, couldn’t resist. You know I wouldn’t do that. I’ll be at the boutique full-time by then so I expect I’ll come home every evening and crash out.’

  ‘You sure?’ Tina said. ‘You aren’t afraid to be alone?’

  ‘Sleeping here alone in a nice and secure flat after sleeping rough for a fortnight?’ Maisie shook her head. ‘Of course I’ll be OK. Right, I’m going to have an early night. It’s been a long, busy day. See you in the morning.’

  ‘Night,’ Tina answered, deciding it was too late to phone Jodie and see how she was feeling now, and tell her she was coming on her own for Annette’s wedding. She’d phone her in the morning and talk to her about New Year then as well.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Moving day dawned bright and clear. Annette arrived early to collect Tess to keep her out of the way of vans and strange people.

  ‘I’ll see you both at the new house about one o’clock,’ she said as Tess jumped into her car. ‘Everything should have arrived by then. I’ll bring lunch for everyone.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Jodie said, picking up her own car keys. She and Ben had decided the best plan was for Ben to supervise the loading of their stuff and she would go over and wait at the new house, ready to tell the removal men where to put everything. It also meant she would be there to let the delivery men with the table and desk she’d bought at the auction into the house.

  ‘You sure you’re OK today?’ Ben asked. ‘Not feeling sick? You still look a bit on the pale side.’

  ‘Much better today,’ Jodie assured him. ‘Think I’ve finally got rid of the virus.’ She reached up and kissed his cheek. ‘See you soon – and hopefully your belated birthday present will be in situ to greet you.’ She didn’t add that she needed time to give it a bit of a polish before he saw it, but that was her plan.

  Jodie hummed happily to herself as she drove to the new house. She had so many ideas for turning it into a proper home for her and Ben. A forever home for the two of them. She couldn’t wait to get started.

  Parking the car by the front door, she unloaded the few boxes from the kitchen she’d put in the boot onto the doorstep, before driving the car down the side of the house to leave space for the delivery lorries, and then carrying the boxes indoors. The van with Ben’s desk and the kitchen table was due around 9.30 according to the email she’d received confirming the delivery, so could arrive any time now.

  Scrabbling in the box she’d put all the cleaning things in, she found the packet of antiseptic wet wipes, the polish and a duster, which she took upstairs to Ben’s new study, ready to begin immediately the desk was in place. The master bedroom was opposite and she wandered in and stood in front of the window overlooking the drive and front lawn, deep in thought.

  Tomorrow morning she and Ben would wake up in this room for the first time and their new daily routines would begin. It would be good to be settled and secure in their own home. Thoughtfully Jodie fingered the pendant around her neck. If only her mum could have been here. If only she could talk to her and show her around the house. If only she could ask her the truth about what had happened between her and her father. If only… Jodie gave herself a mental shake. She had to stop this. The dull ache of missing Jacqueline was never far away but now it was compounded by sorrow that she’d never hear the truth about her father from her mother’s lips.

  All this business with Travis Saville had brought home to her just how big a space in her life her mother had left when she died. There had been so many times recently she’d longed to talk to her – ask questions that only she knew the answers to. But it was all wishful thinking on her part. If only Travis Saville had never turned up. If only she’d never found the Decree Absolute. There was that phrase again – if only. That well-known saying – if is such a big little word – was proving to be true.

  A deep sigh escaped her lips. It was pointless playing the ‘if only’ game. Life was how it was. She was lucky – so many good new things had happened to her since she’d met Ben. There was no way she could allow anything from the past to cast a shadow on her – their – future.

  A van tooted as it turned into the drive. The desk and table had arrived. Half an hour later, the table was in the kitchen, looking as if it had always been there, and Jodie went upstairs to start giving the desk some richly deserved attention.

  Cleaned up, the desk was in better condition than she’d realised from its previous grubby condition. The scratched and damaged leather inlay showed the most sign of wear but Ben’s computer would hide the worst of that until they could find a craftsman to replace it. As she began to polish, a deep mahogany colour began to shine through the wood.

  An hour later, Jodie tiredly pushed herself up off the floor and stood back to look at the result of her hard work. Standing there she smiled happily and congratulated herself on a job well done. Picking up the cleaning debris, she closed the study door and made her way downstairs. Throwing the rubbish in the bin she heard the removal lorry turning into the drive. Perfect timing.

  When Ben arrived a quarter of an hour later, the men were manoeuvring the sitting-room furniture in through the door.

  ‘Come with me,’ Jodie said, catching hold of Ben’s hand. ‘Your birthday present is upstairs.’ Outside the study door she said, ‘Close your eyes.’ She opened the door and said, ‘Happy Birthday. I hope you like it.’ Anxiously she waited for his reaction as he opened his eyes.

  Ben walked slowly into the room towards the desk. He stretched out a hand to stroke the top. ‘It’s beautiful.’

  Jodie breathed a sigh of relief. ‘I’ve given it a clean and a bit of a polish but it will need more. The leather inlay will have to be replaced too.’

  ‘Best birthday present ever,’ Ben said, turning to her and giving her a hug. ‘Thank you. My computer is in the car. I’ll go and get it with the rest of the stuff from my old study
.’

  ‘Annette should be here soon with lunch and coffee for the men,’ Jodie said. ‘I’ll just go and reassure them they’ll get a drink soon.’

  It was mid-afternoon before the removal men left and the sorting out of the house could begin in earnest. Jodie left Annette unpacking boxes in the sitting room and went upstairs to find duvets and sheets to make up their bed, ready to collapse into that evening.

  Ben was in his studio, busy sorting out a tangled mess of computer wires, and called out as he heard her on the landing.

  ‘I put your black bags with your mum’s boxes in the third bedroom, by the way. They almost got thrown away with the rubbish.’

  Shocked, Jodie stood still. Too heavy for her to lift, she’d assumed Ben would realise anything in a black bag was rubbish.

  ‘I wanted them thrown away,’ she said.

  There was a short silence before Ben came out onto the landing and looked at her curiously.

  ‘You can’t be serious about throwing them away – without at least checking the contents?’

  ‘That is exactly what I planned to do,’ Jodie said, looking at him defiantly. ‘I decided I didn’t need to know about whatever else is in the boxes. The Decree Absolute was enough.’

  Ben sighed. ‘Ma cherie, you would live to regret that decision. I know it’s hard for you but you need to go through the boxes and talk to Travis. He is the only blood relative you have, after all. I think you’d like him if you’d only talk to him. I do,’ he added hesitantly.

  ‘You’ve been talking to him?’

  ‘We’ve had a brief conversation. He rang when you were walking Tess the other day. He’s got a box of papers from your father that could maybe answer some of the questions your mother’s boxes raise. Why don’t you ring him and suggest you go through both the boxes together? Please?’ Ben looked at her intently as he took her gently in his arms. ‘Then, like I’ve said before – we can put the whole episode behind us and get on with our lives.’

  Standing there secure in Ben’s arms, Jodie felt the urge to fight leave her. Why was she really refusing to talk to Travis? Fear of him destroying her remaining illusions about her parents – her mother in particular? She knew her mother had loved her unreservedly and nobody could take that away from her. Or erase the wonderful memories she had of her childhood – all courtesy of her mother.

  She took a deep breath. ‘OK. I’ll phone Travis later and invite him for lunch one day and together we’ll go through the boxes. But right now,’ she said, moving out of Ben’s arms, ‘I’m going to be sick again.’

  Jodie made a dash for the bathroom, leaving Ben standing there with a worried look on his face.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  ‘Great, Annette will be pleased,’ Jodie said, switching off her phone and turning to Ben. ‘Tina is coming for the wedding. No plus one sadly.’

  As she went to place the phone down on the kitchen table it beeped as a text came in. She swore softly under her breath as she read the message. Ben glanced at her curiously.

  ‘Having plucked up the courage to talk to Travis, I left a message on his phone earlier.’ Jodie sighed. ‘He thanks me for getting in touch but he’s sorry, he’s currently up in the mountains visiting his friend. He’ll be in touch to arrange a meeting sometime when he gets back. ‘

  ‘At least the two of you are in contact,’ Ben said.

  Jodie sighed. ‘Now I’ve decided to talk to him I didn’t want to wait. He doesn’t even say how long he’ll be away. I was hoping to see him tomorrow or the next day at the latest. I want to get it over and done with. It’s not something I’m looking forward to.’

  ‘We’ve got a lot to do to straighten the house out over the next few days,’ Ben said. ‘You would have struggled to fit a meeting in, so it’s probably for the best. Especially as you haven’t been well recently.’

  Jodie sighed. ‘You’re right about there being a lot to do in the house.’

  ‘I can help a bit and I know Mama would help if you don’t feel up to tackling things on your own,’ Ben said.

  ‘I’m fine, a bit tired but I’m feeling better again this morning. Staying busy will keep my mind off all things Australian,’ Jodie said. ‘And having the house look more like home with everything unpacked and put away will be good.’

  Two days later the house was beginning to look like the home Jodie envisaged it being. There was a lot to do yet, of course, including decorating their bedroom and giving the main bathroom a makeover, but essentially they were putting their own mark on it with their favourite things.

  When her phone rang Jodie picked it up quickly, hoping it was Travis saying he’d returned early and arranging a definite day and time to meet. But it was Annette.

  ‘How’s the settling in coming on? Looking forward to having a break from it tomorrow?’

  ‘Break from it?’ Jodie said, puzzled.

  ‘We’d arranged to go wedding dress shopping tomorrow? The day is getting closer and I haven’t found anything to wear yet. I know I’m having a low-key affair this time around, but I do rather want something special to wear,’ Annette said. ‘We need to find something for you too.’

  ‘I’d forgotten all about our shopping date,’ Jodie confessed. ‘But yes, I’m fine for tomorrow.’

  ‘Good. I’ll pick you up at nine and we’ll head down to the coast.’

  Switching the phone off, Jodie turned to Ben. ‘I’d forgotten I’d agreed to go shopping with Annette this week. Would you like to have a day off from sorting things here and come with us? Help me choose an outfit for the wedding?’

  Ben instantly shook his head. ‘Are you joking? I find my mother a nightmare to go shopping with.’ He glanced at Jodie. ‘You’ll have fun, but me? I’ll stay here and enjoy the peace. Might even get some writing done.’

  ‘Don’t you need anything new for the wedding? Suit? Shirt? Tie? Shoes?’

  ‘No. I’ve got the suit I bought for our wedding, which I haven’t worn since, so it’s virtually new. Might buy a new tie for the occasion, though. Plenty of time to find one locally before the big day.’

  Jodie laughed. ‘I’ll buy you one tomorrow. And you do realise the wedding is less than two weeks away?’

  After the wedding dress shopping trip with Annette was out of the way, life began to settle down into a routine at the new house over the next few days. Ben disappeared into his study as usual in the mornings, and Jodie walked Tess and did some housework before switching on her laptop and starting to catch up with the agency work she’d neglected because of the virus and the move.

  Two days before Annette and Thierry’s wedding Jodie took a deep breath and decided it was time to turn her attention to her mother’s boxes of papers. She couldn’t keep putting it off. Maybe she’d discover something that explained Jacqueline’s lies – something she could defend her to Travis with. Though why she should feel the need to defend her mother to Travis she wasn’t sure.

  Lifting the lid off the first box, she saw the envelope that had contained the Decree Absolute on top. She took it out and carefully laid it to one side as she started to investigate the rest of the contents.

  After jumping twice when her phone rang, hoping it was Travis ringing to arrange a meeting, only to be disappointed each time by cold callers trying to sell her something, Jodie switched the phone off and concentrated on going through things methodically.

  Documents relating to her maternal grandparents, her own birth certificate, a baby and toddler record diary – the entries in which stopped abruptly six months after her third birthday. But tucked into the back cover of the diary was a small envelope with her name written on it, a piece of paper folded inside. Jodie drew it out with shaking fingers. A letter from her mother – dated one month before her death.

  My darling Jodie, writing this letter to you is one of the most cowardly things I have ever done in my life and I can only beg your forgiveness.

  My first cowardly act was not going to Australia with your father. He was
the love of my life and yet I allowed him to walk away from me and denied you the right to know the father who loved you, because I was too afraid to take a chance and live a different life.

  Writing this letter is the coward’s way out of not being able to tell you the truth face to face and having to watch your reaction to me when you learn the truth. I know you will have lots of questions. I should have told you years ago that your father was alive and well and living on the opposite side of the world. Given you the chance to connect with him. But I was too scared – I convinced myself I’d left it too late and telling you the truth would only upset you and make you hate me. Something I can’t bear the thought of.

  I’m still not sure when I shall be brave enough to actually give you this letter but I do know you deserve to be told the truth – at whatever cost to me. I promise once I’ve given you this letter we will finally talk and I’ll answer your questions honestly.

  There has been no contact between your father and myself for several years. When he left, I said that I would tell you the truth when you grew up and I made him promise he would wait for you to contact him. I’m more ashamed than I can ever tell you that I never kept my word to talk to you. Now you know the truth I’m sure he would be delighted to hear from you – his most recent address is in my address book.

  Please forgive me, my darling daughter.

  Your loving mother. xxxx

  Jodie blinked hard in an effort to stop the tears that were beginning to flow. Her mother HAD been going to tell her the truth before she died. If the accident had never happened, if she’d sorted through the paperwork in the boxes earlier, instead of shoving them away and ignoring the contents, she would have known the truth before Travis. It could have been her going to Australia to find her father who, three years ago, would still have been alive.

  Fumbling in her pocket for a tissue, Jodie wiped her tears, blew her nose and tried to compose herself. Thinking ‘if only’ thoughts wasn’t going to change anything. The truth had to be acknowledged, accepted and lived with.