by Rona Halsall
He glanced at her now, her beautiful profile, the healthy glow of her skin, hair as dark as a raven. However you looked at it, she was one hell of a woman, in control of her own destiny, running a successful consultancy business. And he wanted her. Right here, right now, he wanted her in his life more than anything because she made things better, she made him laugh, made him forget his sorrow and helped him to look forwards rather than back. She was full of ambition and plans; places she wanted to go, things she wanted to achieve and there was no doubt she was wringing every ounce of pleasure out of her life. He wanted to be like her and when he was with her, the joie de vivre rubbed off on him.
The weather had decided to be kind, only a few fluffy clouds dotting the brilliant blue sky and a gentle breeze shivering through the leaves. The park was set in a large patch of woodland and although there were lots of families there, the way the paths meandered through the trees meant it didn’t feel too crowded, the rides hidden round corners, in little clearings, picnic tables dotted everywhere.
‘Go-karts next!’ Callum shouted after they emerged from the boat ride round a swampy track.
‘Race you,’ Tessa yelled and sprinted off, Callum at her heels. Luke caught hold of Mel’s hand.
‘Thanks for the presents,’ he said.
Mel grinned. ‘Thank God I got it right. I can’t tell you how long it took me to choose those. I’ve not had much experience with kids and I was so worried I’d get it horribly wrong.’
‘You’re a star, Mel.’ He pulled her to him and kissed her, smoothed her hair back from her face. ‘It’s going to take a little time, though. Let them get used to the idea of a new woman in our lives. Like I said, we’ve just got to take it slow.’
Mel pulled a face and laughed. ‘Patience is not one of my virtues, Luke. You must have worked that one out.’
He kissed her again. ‘Sometimes you have no choice,’ he said, teasing.
She pushed him away. ‘You know, this is killing me. Seeing you twice a week isn’t enough. I can’t wait till you move to Bangor.’
‘Another month, and it should all be sorted. You were right about the bigger house. The four bedrooms gives us a spare room for guests and it’s not that much more expensive. As the agent said, in terms of an investment, it’s much better value.’
She looked at him from under her lashes. ‘And room to expand the family.’
He gazed at her then, lost for words. This relationship was hurtling along at a hundred miles an hour and the more he told himself he needed to slow down, the more things seemed to speed up.
What’s she saying? She wants a long-term relationship with me… and a baby?
He hadn’t given the possibility of a baby any thought, which had been stupid. Why wouldn’t Mel want kids? Just because the opportunity hadn’t arisen for her yet, didn’t mean it wasn’t something she wanted.
Another baby. Well, well, well.
He pulled her to him, his hand resting on her waist as they walked towards the go-karts, feeling excited and unsettled at the same time. What about Tessa and Callum? They’d had so many changes in their lives over the last year, would it be fair to expand the family? Or would it give a new focus, something to bind them all together? Christ, this needs a bit of careful thought. But a seed of excitement had been planted in his chest, spreading a warmth around his heart.
Another child.
It didn’t feel like a bad idea. More like a new beginning.
Nineteen
One year ago
Luke sat in the dining room of the hotel, feeling more relaxed than he had for quite some time. Just him and Mel on a romantic getaway in Scotland. It had been exactly what they needed. Things had started to get a bit fraught for a while at home, but she’d been a different person while they’d been away. Or maybe it was him who’d been different.
He would have to admit that he’d seriously underestimated how hard it would be to integrate their little unit into a harmonious family. Mel was different to Anna in so many ways and although he knew he shouldn’t compare them, it was hard not to, especially when the kids kept making comments.
‘She’s trying to be Mum and she’s so not,’ Tessa had said, arms folded across her chest. Callum had nodded his agreement, the two of them standing there, swaying slightly from side to side, all indignant. It had been a few weeks ago now, the weekend that Mel had stayed over for the first time, a gentle move to a more permanent living arrangement, the four of them together. Luke sighed. He’d known it was too soon, but he’d let Mel persuade him.
‘It’ll be so much easier with two of us to look after the children. I work from home a lot, so I can organise things around the kids. I want to help, Luke. I want to look after them.’
She’d been dead right when she’d said patience wasn’t a virtue of hers, but that woman had a way of winning him over with logical arguments that he’d found impossible to counter. Without his parents and Ceri to help, he had to admit that it had been hard to start a new job and get the kids to school and organise after-school childcare and keep up with the housework and the washing, making meals and getting the shopping in. Another pair of hands to help was a welcome thought and Mel was so very keen to get involved. Only a fool would have said no. And anyway, it had to happen sometime, if their relationship was to move in the direction he wanted it to go.
Luke had sat on the bed, gathered his children to him, and held them tight, breathing in their scent. A smell that reminded him of Anna. What would she think? Well, he knew exactly what she thought because they’d had long conversations about death when they were in Cyprus and had no idea if he’d be posted to a war zone. They’d both agreed that if either of them died, they would never want their partner to be lonely. All she wanted was for him to be happy, whatever that took. ‘And anyway, what would I care if I’m dead? Crack on,’ she’d said. He sighed at the memory, knowing now that cracking on was so much harder than it might sound.
‘Look, guys, I know this might take a little bit of getting used to, but Mel is part of our lives now and I want you to be nice to her.’
‘But she’s not nice to me.’ Callum had poked at his chest with a finger.
‘She tells us off all the time,’ Tessa had whined. ‘And she took my phone off me. And she shouts at Bernie.’
Luke had taken a deep breath. He’d have to have a conversation with Mel about phones. And dogs. House rules in general, really. They needed to be consistent and at that moment they were pulling in opposite directions.
‘I know. But maybe we’ve got a bit sloppy. Perhaps it is best if you make your beds in the morning. And put the top back on the toothpaste.’ He’d thought through the sources of arguments over the previous couple of days. ‘And take your shoes off by the door. Hang your coats up.’
Callum had shaken his head. ‘That’s a lot of work, Dad.’
Luke had had to hide a smile. ‘Well, if you don’t do it, then it’s a lot of work for somebody else, isn’t it?’ Callum and Tessa had stared at him with serious eyes, clearly not convinced.
‘Well, I’d like it if you could at least give it a try. And if Mel asks you to do something, then I’d really like it if you did whatever she asks you to do.’
‘Just when she’s here?’
Luke had nodded. If it was only one night a week, or the odd weekend, it was a start.
But now, just a few weeks later, Mel more or less lived with them. Luke wasn’t quite sure how that had happened, but one night had quickly become two and then three. He’d put his foot down then, told her that they needed to slow down a bit, give the children time to adapt, because he felt they were a bit unsettled. In reality, mutinous was a more accurate word.
Still, he didn’t think a bit of discipline did them any harm and he liked having her around. It was so much easier with the two of them sharing all the household tasks, fun even, to make meals together and plan outings. For the last couple of weekends, the children had stayed at the farm; Tessa keen to help with the ponies a
nd Callum desperate to ride on the tractor and see his cousins. It suited everyone, providing Luke with a bit of breathing space and Mel, he realised, liked his undivided attention.
On holiday, they’d done a lot of talking, as he gently tried to educate her on some of his basics philosophies of parenting, while she’d said all the right things. She’d apologised for being picky and admitted that should could be a bit OCD about tidiness and agreed that maybe she’d have to relax her standards a little for the kids. She’d really listened to him and responded to his concerns with an eagerness to please that swept away all his reservations. They’d become closer, he felt, understood each other better, and he was sure that their new togetherness would make everything run more smoothly when they got home.
Today was Valentine’s Day and he’d had to hastily arrange for the hotel staff to get Mel a present, because her face at breakfast, when she realised that he might have forgotten, was a picture of hurt, however much she tried to hide it. He gave the present to her now, as they sat in the bar after their evening meal.
‘I know it’s late, but I’ve got a little something for you.’ He took a flat box out of his pocket and saw her smile flicker for a moment. ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.’ He hoped he’d got it right. Buying presents for a woman was always tricky, he’d found, and Anna had often told him he was hopeless when it came to gifts, but she’d always seen the funny side and knew that the intention was right, even if the present wasn’t.
Mel took the bracelet out of the box and wrapped it round her wrist. Luke leant forwards and closed the clasp for her. It looked a bit insignificant, cheap, and he cringed inside, wishing he’d had time to go and choose something himself. He waited for that stare, the one that heralded trouble, but instead he got a full wattage smile.
‘Oh, it’s lovely, darling,’ she gushed. ‘I have something for you, too.’
She opened her handbag and put a little square box on the table. Red velvet on the outside. He swallowed. The box alone was more impressive than the present he’d bought for her, but it was the thought of what might be inside that was making his stomach churn. I’m not ready, he thought, suddenly hot, hoping he was wrong.
He flipped the box open and there was a gold ring, set with a red stone.
She reached over and took his hand, gazing at him with love in her eyes. ‘Luke, will you marry me?’
He flipped the box lid shut, a band tightening round his head. Oh my God! What to say? He squeezed her hand and swallowed. ‘Wow. I… um… Don’t you think we might be rushing things?’ Mel blinked, the smile falling from her lips and the hurt in her eyes squeezed his heart. He stumbled on, his voice breathy, his chest heaving as adrenaline chased through his veins. ‘We’ve got to give the kids time to settle down. You know that.’ But his words sounded hollow; obvious delaying tactics while he could get his arguments properly laid out.
She closed her eyes and when a tear rolled down her cheek, his resolve started to crumble. He couldn’t bear to see her upset and for him to be the cause of it.
‘Tell you what, let’s get a bottle of bubbly and take it up to our room. Talk it all through.’ She gazed at him and he stroked her hand, pleading with his eyes. ‘It’s not that I don’t love you, you know that. It’s more… more to do with timing.’
But Mel didn’t move, just sat there looking at the little box and her rejected proposal. The most hurtful thing a man could ever do to a woman.
Luke’s heart clenched. I can’t be that cruel. Rejecting a proposal would surely signal the end of their relationship and that was the opposite of what he wanted. I can’t lose her. He let go of Mel’s hand and picked up the box, opened it and put the ring on his finger, while she watched wide-eyed. ‘A perfect fit. It’s lovely, Mel.’ He reached over and took her hand, raised it to his lips. ‘Of course I’ll marry you.’
It’s just an engagement, he told himself. One step down a path that you want to go down eventually anyway.
Well, he got that one wrong.
As soon as they’d finished the bubbly, she sprung the wedding at Gretna Green idea because surely, if he wanted to marry her, there was no need to wait? And at her age, she didn’t want a fuss, no need for crowds of guests. No, small and intimate would be way more romantic.
His heart hammered in his chest, his brain too shocked to provide him with any rational counter. How can I refuse without her feeling that I’m not committed? Stability for the kids, she said, two parents to share the load instead of one, she said, more money if they ran one household instead of two. Lots of time together, wouldn’t that be wonderful? A proper family. There was no logic that he could come up with to deny her.
A niggle of doubt tapped away at the back of his brain, a doubt that said this shouldn’t be about logic, this should be an irresistible yes. A yes that sprang out of him the moment she’d asked. But maybe, he told himself, life had to be different the second time around. When you had children to protect and nurture, perhaps your heart wasn’t allowed to rule your head. It had to be about logic and finding practical solutions to life’s difficulties. Marrying Mel was the sensible thing to do, a show of commitment that would demonstrate to everyone that they were now a proper family unit.
It was only after they were married that he understood that his doubt was right and he really should have listened to it.
On their wedding night, she hit him for the first time.
Twenty
Their wedding was a joyful adventure, full of laughter and disbelief at the speed at which everything was happening. The arrangements fell into place so easily, Luke told himself it was meant to be, the stars were aligned and it was clearly the right thing for him to do. He had no time to think, no time to back out, or turn his doubts into action as Mel hustled him round the shops, getting everything ready. She got him fitted for a suit, ordered the flowers, and sent him out to buy some smart shoes, while she found herself a dress and conjured up a couple of witnesses.
She had booked Gretna Green’s famous Blacksmith Shop for their wedding, a venue that had been used by eloping couples since 1754, and it was more like a barn than a chapel, with stone slabs on the floors, wooden rafters and whitewashed walls. Romantic in the extreme, with just the two of them, the official and two witnesses. Mel looked beautiful in a simple floor-length ivory dress, with long sleeves and fake fur round the scooped neckline and cuffs. A beaded bodice hugged her figure, and she carried a small posy of red roses to match the flowers in her hair. And when he saw her, any doubts Luke might have had were crushed by his desire for her, to have her to hold and be by his side for ever.
With a heart full of love and a mind full of happy memories from their special day, they finally made their way back to their hotel and ordered champagne to take up to their room. By this point, Luke was mentally exhausted by the blur of events and completely stuffed with the wedding meal they had enjoyed after the late-afternoon ceremony. They had already drunk a bottle of champagne, or was that two? He was feeling distinctly queasy and in need of a lie down.
Mel stopped outside their bedroom door and he looked at her for a long moment, wondering why she hadn’t opened it, given that she had the cardkey in her hand. She frowned at him.
‘Oh Luke, I swear there isn’t a romantic bone in your body, is there?’ She smacked his arm to get his attention. ‘Do I have to do everything?’
He was startled by her tone of voice and the force of the smack, which left his arm stinging beneath his suit. He wondered what he might have done wrong, afraid to ask because he obviously should know what was expected. Except he didn’t. He stared at her, a growing sense of panic stirring up the contents of his stomach.
‘The threshold, Luke. This is the threshold to our new life.’ She pointed at the door and he realised, with a flash of relief, that he knew what she wanted.
He smiled at her and whisked her off her feet, planting a lingering kiss on her lips as he fumbled to get the door open, which was tricky with his arms full, but after a couple of at
tempts, he finally managed it. He staggered into the room, almost stumbling over a pair of shoes he’d left on the floor, and deposited her on the bed, flopping down beside her, glad that he’d avoided a catastrophe by not dropping her on the floor.
His mind was spinning with all the alcohol, the rich food swirling in his stomach, and it was a moment before he realised that she hadn’t moved, hadn’t said anything. When he turned towards her, squinting to get her face in focus, she was still looking a bit cross.
‘I love you, Mrs Roberts,’ he whispered, before his lids fluttered closed and he started to succumb to the irresistible pull of sleep.
A stinging slap to his face stopped that from happening.
‘Don’t you dare fall asleep on me.’ He opened his eyes to see that her face had transformed into a mask of fury. ‘It’s our bloody wedding night. You can’t just fall asleep!’ She slapped his face again, harder this time, and the force of it made his head whip to the side. His mind was blurry with drink, his heart racing as he tried to work out what was going on.
She raised her hand again.
‘Mel, no, stop it. I’m awake. I’m awake.’ But he was too late and his other cheek felt the sting of her wrath.
‘You’ve spoilt it all. Ruined my special day.’ She was sobbing with rage. ‘If you really loved me you wouldn’t fall asleep on our wedding night. You’d want to make love to me, make me yours.’
‘But it’s not the same when you live together, is it?’ A slap told him he’d made another mistake and his befuddled brain started to understand. Romance. She wanted romance and he’d let her down. He managed to roll out of her way before she hit him again and got himself upright on the other side of the bed, glad of the distance between them.