“You said he’s thinking of taking a job back home. You’re from California, then?”
“Born and raised… well, raised for the most part,” I said. “Mom always wanted to be a TV writer, and Dad got his start as an extra on the same show she was interning for twenty years ago. He broke into daytime TV, and she followed. They fell in love, got married, had a couple of kids, and that’s about the time my life went to hell.”
Gabe smirked. “Right out of the womb, then?”
“Yeah, that seems accurate enough.”
“All right,” he said, looking at me from the corner of his eye. “And you’re upset because… you don’t want to go?”
“You know how they say there’s no place like home?” I asked, and Gabe nodded. “Truer words have never been spoken. There’s no place like home, and there’s not a day that goes by that I’m thankful for that very fact. If I could spend a lifetime avoiding ever going back there, I would. Honest to God, I would.”
Gabe started to say something, but then he hesitated. After a few long seconds of silence, he closed his mouth and turned to me, watching me with a sunken expression.
“So no,” I said, finally answering his question. I looked up at him and met his gaze for the first time since we’d set out on our walk. He watched me without faltering for a moment. “I don’t want to go back, but I’m not sure that really matters. If Dad takes the job, we’ll be out of Sugar Creek faster than you can say see ya later.”
“Can I pry?”
“I suppose.”
“Surely you have friends and family out there?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said. “Friends I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, and family that I never care to see again. I know it sounds heartless, Gabe, but I made up my mind a long time ago to stay here in Sugar Creek. I like the small town life; I love that I don’t have to be around all of those people from my past. I never want to go back to California. I’m still trying to get away from it.”
He kept his lips pressed together, either unwilling or too afraid to inquire any further about what I’d left behind. He seemed to search his brain for a few minutes for something safe to say; I thought, based on the way things had gone lately, there wasn’t really anything he could say to make things worse. And then he opened his mouth and proved me wrong.
“Well, we’ll miss you at RI if you have to leave,” he said. “Lashell will be heartbroken, and I won’t have anyone to put me in my place. It’ll be rough without you.”
A frown settled in my expression.
I didn’t want to be missed. If I had to go, I’d just rather be forgotten altogether. No one back home had much of a problem forgetting me, even my own mother; I hadn’t been gone two weeks before the phone calls ceased, the messages died down, and everyone stopped inquiring about my wellbeing altogether. It had broken my heart, but in a way, it was somewhat of a relief. I didn’t have to keep holding on to the life I wasn’t allowed to have.
If I had to leave Sugar Creek, it would make more sense to just let go and forget everything here, too.
“You don’t have to pretend you’ll miss me,” I said, throwing him a glance. “It’s not like I’ve been with the program for months or years or anything. It’s not even been a week.”
“But once you’re in, you’re family,” he said. “And we hate to see anyone go.”
“Well, it’s nice to know I’ll be missed,” I lied because I almost felt he wanted to hear it.
“If you go.”
“We’ll go,” I said definitely. “There’s no way he’s going to pass it up. It’s the role of a lifetime; it’s the call he’s been waiting on since we were kids. And I hate it; I do. Dad was getting comfortable here, Bailey had climbed her way to the top, and I was just finding things that I liked, things that mattered to me. You know that I got accepted to Desden University last week, and I couldn’t even celebrate it with anyone? Bailey wouldn’t care, and I could never tell my dad. He’d have a fit if he knew I’d applied to the English program.” Gabe’s brows pulled together, and I shook my head. I couldn’t believe that I just told him that. I hadn’t told anyone! My acceptance letter was still hidden at home under my mattress, unseen by anyone but me. Up until this moment, that letter was my best kept secret. And now Gabe knew.
“My life is here. I don’t want to give up DU, leave the Raddick Initiative, or lose any of my friends, but I don’t see how I’ll have much of a choice.”
I watched Gabe’s expression change, and I knew exactly where his thoughts had gone. He was remembering how he’d found me at lunch, sitting all alone with no friends in sight. I’d already admitted to him that I didn’t have any friends; I’d left them all and refused to make more. He would’ve been a fool to believe that I was telling him the truth just then. It wasn’t my friends I would miss if I had to leave. I couldn’t miss something I’d never had.
I would’ve missed him. And although I sensed he picked up on that subtle hint, he lightly smiled and played dumb.
“And Jones even mentioned there’s a special fella in your life,” Gabe said. “It won’t be easy breaking that off. Relationships are never easy to end.”
“On a positive note, though, it’s not a relationship. And it’s not even anything special,” I said, and his shoulders suddenly relaxed as if my admission had come as a relief. “Jones had no idea what he was saying back there.”
“So there’s no guy?”
“Oh no, there is a guy,” I said. “It’s just… he’s not my guy. It’s nothing, really. It’s just a stupid crush, that’s all.”
“Hmm.”
“What?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “You say it’s just a stupid crush, but I’m not convinced you really think it is.” He studied the way my hands fidgeted at my chest. “You’re tense just talking about it.”
“I’m not tense.”
“No, I’ve watched you, Mandy,” he said. “You’re tense, and that’s unlike you. You’re never this stiff. There’s something—”
“It’s nothing, Gabe,” I said, giving him the same speech I’d given both Bailey and Jones. “Or at least nothing I can figure out, so there’s no point in even worrying about it.”
“I can try to help if it’s something you want to talk about?”
“What is it with you always trying to fix everything?” I asked, and he shrugged. “I don’t know, okay? I’ve found myself in pretty big mess lately. I’m not sure it’s the kind even you can clean up.”
“Try me.”
“Okay,” I said, finally dropping my hands. “But I’ve warned you: I’m a mess.” With a smile, he nodded, and I sensed that was his way of saying that he’d already figured out that much. If he meant anything else by that nod, I had no idea what it was. “I’m drawn to someone, even though I’ve done everything I can think to do to fight it. He’s someone whose past is still a mystery, and whose present is something that just baffles me. And, despite the fact that his whole being is just one giant question mark, I’m still convinced that he’s supposed to be in my life somehow.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” he said. “It’s human nature for us to feel those connections sometimes, even if it is with a complete stranger. We have a tendency to be drawn to comfort and familiarity, and sometimes we find those things in the people we least expect.”
“But I wasn’t looking for comfort and familiarity,” I said. “I wasn’t looking for anything.”
“It’s a common belief that a person finds what they’re looking for the moment they stop searching for it,” he said. “And I’ve come to believe that’s not something that’s limited to matters of the heart. Sometimes we even find the things we’re wanting long before we ever realize we want them.”
“I know exactly what you mean.”
“But when it’s a feeling that moves you, Mandy, sometimes you just have to trust your instincts and pursue whatever it is that your heart’s telling you to. That’s what I did with RI. I had a feeling, so
I went for it. So now you have the opportunity. Ask the important questions, and turn all those mysteries and questions into something clearer, something you can understand. It doesn’t have to be ‘one giant question mark.’ Learn what you need to learn to satisfy your curiosity. Get the answers you want. Do something about it.”
“It’s good advice, don’t get me wrong,” I said, nodding a few times. “But it doesn’t really apply to my situation.”
“And why not?”
“Because I’m leaving,” I said. “And even if I wasn’t going anywhere, even if we were staying right here in Sugar Creek, there are a million other reasons that it would never work with this guy.”
“Name one.”
“I’m not cut from the same cloth as other girls, Gabe,” I said, finally admitting out loud what I’d always known was true. “I’m not so naïve that I believe in fairytale endings just because they exist in fiction. I don’t care about that kind of stuff. I never have. Relationships, intimacy, happily ever afters… I don’t know that that stuff even matters. It’s all so complicated; relationships are messy and unnecessary. To be honest, I’ve spent my entire life a little skeptical of anyone who thinks that love is a prerequisite to happiness.”
“Okay, so then it’s easy,” he said. “If it’s not what you want, if a relationship is just too much for you, then drop it. Let it go. Stop thinking about it.”
“If only it were that easy,” I retorted. “As hard as I try, I can’t quit thinking about it.”
“Then maybe it is what you want, and you’re just too afraid to face it,” he said.
“But if I’ve never wanted it before, why in the world would I want it now?”
“Maybe this guy’s different.”
“He is different, I’m not disputing that. But that doesn’t matter.”
“Again, give me one good reason.”
“It doesn’t matter how much I like the guy, Gabe,” I said. “I don’t know that I even know him well enough to make a judgment one way or another.”
“Okay, so what do you know?”
“I only know how he makes me feel, and that’s not much to go on. I know that every time he looks at me, my heart does this little pitter-patter thing,” I said. “I know that the one time that he held me, it was the first and only time in my life that I’ve ever felt truly safe.” I kept walking, but I closed my eyes for a brief second and remembered how protected I felt when Gabe showed up at the house and held me, despite the fact that I treated him so poorly.
“I feel things,” I finally said, trying to bite back tears. “I’ve never felt anything remotely like it in my entire life. There’s something about the way he looks at me, something about his eyes that knock me off my feet. When I’m with him, my palms get sweaty; I stumble over my words. I do get tense. I make a complete idiot of myself in front of him, and then I’m always so rude and mean and distant when he’s around because I’m too afraid of what will happen if I’m nice. The things I feel with him contradict everything I’ve ever believed in. He represents the idea of breaking my number one rule, and that terrifies me, Gabe. I’m scared senseless.”
“What’s your number one rule?”
“To never fall in love,” I said, looking down to the ground. “And I never thought that would be a problem, but this guy… he’s really something.”
“Hmm,” was all he said before we rounded another corner, bringing us back full-circle right where we started at the Sugar High Bakery.
Gabe walked with me to my parked car just at the edge of the small parking lot, and we both stopped short of the door. It would’ve been a great opportunity for me to say something else, to ask him more about his life, his fears, and his future—to turn those questions into answers. But I knew that asking anything would only open another door. I knew he’d feel obligated to respond, and nothing he could say would make me like him less. In fact, it would only make it harder for me to move forward.
“You didn’t have to come all the way out here,” I said, choosing to keep our departure light and simple. I leaned back against my car door, and dropped my hands to my sides. “I almost wish you hadn’t. I told you I’d be okay.”
“And not so convincingly, either,” he said, dropping his head and deliberately holding my gaze a bit longer. He studied my expression for a moment before he leaned a little closer and whispered, “And I did have to drive out here; you yourself said that you’ve spent too long pushing people away, Mandy. I wasn’t going to walk out and not come back. I’m not so easy to push around.”
“But Gabe, you seriously didn’t—”
“You’re right,” he interrupted me. “I didn’t have to come out here to check on you, but I wanted to. Okay?”
I stood a little straighter, and the lump in my throat only grew thicker.
I watched Gabe for a few, long beats, and he stared at me as if he was waiting on me to say something. I felt that I knew exactly what it was that he wanted me to say. Did he want to hear that I was thankful that he’d been able to look past my lies and that I really had wanted him to come back? Did he want me to say that I’d been happy to see him standing in the bakery earlier, that he was, in fact, the him that made my heart pitter-patter at every vague glance?
What would he say if I told him that Jones was right, that Gabe was ‘the dude?’ He was the one I was so hung up on, the one who made me realize that maybe I really did want everything I’d always sworn I’d never want.
Would he want to hear the truth?
When another minute swept by us and neither of us said another word, Gabe reached forward, took my hands in his, and squeezed them gently.
“You’re too hard on yourself, Mandy.” He raised my hand to his lips and brushed a warm kiss across my knuckles. “You’re in your head. Quit over-thinking everything, and break a rule once in a while. You might get hurt, or you might find that you’ve been resisting some of the things you need to truly make yourself happy. Why would you ever want to resist happiness, Mandy? You deserve everything you want from life.”
Eleven
“Excuse me, were you ever planning to tell me about Gabe, or were you hoping to keep that little love affair a secret for the next ten years?”
Bailey’s voice blazed through me like fire. Not now… please! As if all of Gabe’s questions on the street earlier hadn’t been enough, now I had to deal with my sister, too? She just had to bust through my bedroom door as I was settling in for bed? All I wanted was some sleep. I needed a break from reality, and the last thing I wanted was to think about him for another second.
“Tell you what?” I asked, turning over in bed to set my alarm.
“Gabe came here looking for you earlier,” she said, leaning in the doorway. “And then Jones called and said that he showed up at the bakery.”
“Yeah, so?”
“What’s going on with you two?” she asked. “Jones said you went all dopey-eyed and nervous the moment Gabe walked in the door. He said you left together and that you hadn’t come back before he and Julia had to lock up and leave.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is that you got really defensive last weekend when you thought we were attacking Gabe,” she said. “You were being overly sensitive, which isn’t like you at all. And then you went on this whole, big spiel about how you love RI, and you even mentioned Gabe by name when you told me you’d made new friends.”
“And your point is what, again?”
“You like him,” she said. “Like… like-like him. And you’re being all rude and distant because you think it’s, like, some uber-sin that he gets you all hot and bothered.”
“Oh for the love of God.” I sat up and stared at my sister, and she finally took a step forward into the bedroom. She crawled up on the corner of my bed and tucked her feet beneath her.
“It’s not going to do you any good to keep it all bottled up,” she said.
“Well, now you just sound like him.”
“Tell me about
him,” she said, sounding genuinely intrigued. “Besides the fact that he’s kinda cute.”
“Kind of cute?” I asked. “Come on, Bailey. You’re kidding, right?”
“Okay,” she said. “He’s gorgeous. But that’s never mattered to you before. You’ve been around hot guys your entire life. So why him? What makes this guy so special?”
“You mean besides the fact that he gets me all hot and bothered?” I asked, and she cracked an immediate smile. “He doesn’t, by the way. It’s not like that at all. If anything, he just gets me all nervous and flustered.”
“Yeah?”
I could hear the surprise in her tone; Bailey knew me better than anyone, so she knew that even being nervous and flustered around a guy was a pretty big development for me.
“Gabe is kind and compassionate,” I said. “He’s humble, and he’s sweet. He’s so warm and welcoming, and it’s endearing. His smile is contagious, and it’s kind of dorky in its own right. And when Gabe laughs, when he’s truly amused by something, it’s just captivating.”
“Yeah, I don’t think it’s just something that he’s amused by; I think Gabe is amused by you,” Bailey said. “I think that’s why you see this side of him that nobody else seems to see. Jones knew Gabe back when, don’t forget. And when he called, he was baffled by how much Gabe had changed since high school; not only did he look different, but he was almost a different person entirely. He said he’s never seen a guy watch a girl the way Gabe watched you.”
“That’s bogus.”
“When he showed up here tonight looking for you, I answered the door and didn’t say one word to him.”
“Okay?”
“I simply opened the door and looked at him,” she said. “And he immediately introduced himself, asked if you were home, and didn’t seem to bat an eye twice at the fact that I could’ve been you standing there at the door.”
“He knows we’re twins,” I said. “He knows you’re my sister.”
“But how many times have we been mistaken for each other over the years? Only Dad has ever been able to tell us apart at first glance. Most people have to talk to us for a few minutes before they can tell a difference. Gabe just knew.”
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