She takes Tink, puts her on her chest and begins to pet her fur. “Whatever, Josh. Who says pussycat? She is a cat or a kitten. Only in nursery rhymes are they called pussycats. You know you were being perverted by saying pus—by saying that word.” She ignores my rolling laughter. “I still can’t believe you bought me a kitten. She’s my best friend,” she says, deflating the joke.
She’s so right. I’m totally being perverted, and hearing her say the P word isn’t helping my mind climb out of the gutter. Not.at.all. Her shyness only makes her more adorable to me.
“Hey, I thought I was your best friend?” I mock offense.
She puts Tink down and rolls on top of me and begins kissing my neck and up to my jaw. “You know what you are to me,” she whispers.
I shake my head. “No, I need convincing. I’m not so sure. What am I to you?” I run my hands down her back and cup her ass.
She licks my dimple and makes me intake a breath of air.
“You are my best friend, my boyfriend, my addiction, my obsession. You, Joshua Parker are everything I crave. ”
And then she convinces me in the sweetest way with her lips. I’m addicted to her, too. Her mouth. Her taste. The sounds she makes. The way she feels—everything about her. I crave her just as much.
I roll on top of her and kiss along her neck, “You, Ms. Shaw, are equally addicting. I love the way you smell and taste.”
But knowing this tangled web of limbs and lips, and talks of pussy and fucking, is going to get us in heaps of trouble, I climb off of her and stand.
She flutters her lids open and sits up. “What are you doing?” she asks pouting.
I laugh. “We can’t hang out in your bed anymore, Riley.” What the hell am I saying?
“Why not? We’re all alone—finally.” She pouts, climbing onto her knees on her bed. Her head tilted adorably to the side.
I move forward and cup her chin. “Because, baby. You’re tempting.”
She lifts up and puts her arms around my neck, tangling her fingers into my hair. She licks the corner of my mouth and pecks my mouth. “Tempting how?” She asks in a sultry and seductive voice. I know she isn’t naive. She knows what she is doing.
I wind her hair around my hand and tug just a little causing her to gasp. “You know damn well what you’re doing, baby.”
She bites her lip innocently as she glides her hands down my chest. She puts one leg on either side of me and pulls me towards her. My stomach is lined up with her mouth, and for a moment I can’t breathe.
She lifts my shirt and kisses my stomach. She lets her hands explore my chest...and shit, she is killing me. Her delicate fingers begin to trace certain lines and ridges, until they land on the button of my jeans.
She looks up at me as if she is asking a question. I’m not sure what my response should be. No one is home, and we could very well play and have dessert. I just don’t want to push her. I want her to be sure, so I don’t reply. I just watch her as she slowly unbuttons them and lowers the zipper.
I wonder what her intentions are, how far she is willing to take this moment. I don’t wonder for long though, because she pushes me back with one hand until my back is pressed against her dresser. She reaches into my jeans and wraps her hand around me. I grab her face and kiss her desperately. She is unraveling me. We have been getting pretty damn close for weeks now, but it’s never been the right time, someone’s home, we’re in my truck, in a public place—but now? We’re alone. FUCK! She is moving her hand, and it feels so good.
And then she does the fucking hottest thing I’ve ever seen and also the one thing I least expected from her. She gets on her knees. Holy hell.
She looks up to me with her wide beautiful eyes, and it does something crazy to me. “I never thanked you for what you did for me in your truck.”
Damn.
“You don’t have to do this, Riley.” I take a deep breath as she ignores me and does whatever it is she has her mind set on doing.
I have never been inside someone’s mouth before, and having Riley’s pretty mouth wrapped around me is the sexiest sight. I will dream about this at night—more to add to the list of things I lie awake remembering. She licks and twirls her tongue around me. She moves her mouth up and down on me, and then she moans as though this brings her pleasure. It’s hot as hell.
I’m letting her control this, whatever she can handle, as much or as little as she wants. I’m gripping the edge of her dresser as to not grab her head and thrust into her throat.
She makes a gagging sound, and I fear she is going to stop, but she doesn’t. She just readjusts herself and somehow gets me deeper into her mouth. I hit the back of her throat, and she swallows slowly. Oh, fuck that motion creates a tightening sensation around me. Then she slowly glides up and down—repeating the delicious process. Lick. Swirl. Suck. Swallow. She begins to move faster, and I begin to push into her further—my hips unintentionally doing their own thing. “Baby, I’m fixing to come. If you don’t want to swallow then you need to stop. Okay?” I warn her.
She doesn’t let up. She just sucks harder, and I don’t know if that is her answer. Just in case it isn’t, I push her back gently, and pull free of her mouth just in time to release in my hand.
Once my breathing has slowed, she stands and places me back into my pants. She buttons and zips my jeans and then places a sweet peck on my lips.
I stare at her with a little bit of shock and wonder. I didn’t expect that from her. I don’t even know where that just came from.
I guess she isn’t always as predictable as I’d once thought. Then another thought catches me off guard. She was pretty damn good at that, what if she already did...that...before. FUCK!
“Um, let me go take care of this. I will be right back.” I tell her as I head to the bathroom to wash my hands.
I meet my reflection in the mirror, and mentally scold myself for letting my head go there just now. Riley spent two years with Dean. It’s foolish of me to think they never did anything sexual together at all.
Riley keeps moving us forward, taking steps in that direction. Why do I keep stopping us? It’s not that I’m not ready. I’m so ready to go there with her. I guess I’m just afraid she will regret it once we do, or that it will change us somehow, and knowing that I’m leaving in a few weeks to Louisiana, I’m just afraid to ruin us.
I don’t want her to think I’m like Dean or that sex is all I want from her. I want her to know I’m content with things the way they are between us—that I’m in it for the right reasons. That I see forever for us.
When I head back to her room, Riley is sitting on the edge of the bed looking deep in thought. When I open the door, her eyes look up to meet mine, and I notice them glisten. I think she is about to cry. I don’t understand it, or what could have happened in the few seconds I’ve been in the bathroom.
“Are you okay?” I ask closing the door behind me out of habit. I walk and sit down beside her on the bed.
She sighs, “Did you like what I just did to you? I mean did I do it right.” Her voice is small, and her eyes are looking away from me.
Wait! What?
“Riley, look at me,” I demand.
Her eyes slowly meet mine, and the insecurity I see in them rips me open. “Why would you ask either of those things?”
She shrugs and attempts to look away again, but I keep her eyes locked with mine by gripping her chin.
“Something made you think that just now. Tell me,” I plead.
“It’s just that I never have...ya know...and I didn’t know if I did it right.” I sigh in relief realizing that I was her first blowjob. I can’t picture her mouth anywhere but where it was just now.
Then she blurts out, “It’s just...Preslee said you like to be in her mouth,” and my heart stops.
I stand and look at her as though she has lost her damn mind. “SHE WHAT?”
She stands. “She told me that she has played with both of my boys even if I think she hasn’t. She told
me Dean likes it rough and dirty and you like it in her mouth.” She throws her hand over her mouth and the tears begin to fall.
What the fuck is Preslee talking about? I’ve never. Why would she say that?
Riley continues to ramble and cry as I try to wrap my head around this. “I don’t want you to think I did that to you because of what she said. I did it because I wanted to. But then I sat down, and her words were in my head, laughing at me. I realized that I didn’t even know what I was doing, and she may have already done that to you. Then what if you were picturing her or what if she did it better? And the thoughts wouldn’t shut up Josh, and the image of her like I was just now with you makes me sick on the inside. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all of that. I should just shut up, but I can’t shut up, and I can’t stop thinking...and I—,”
I grab her shoulders. “Stop it. Stop. Okay?” I pull her to me, and I feel like the biggest asshole to ever live. Of course, she doubts this. It was Collin’s party, and I was totally wasted. I remember making out with Preslee. I remember her pulling me into the bathroom, and her intentions were to go down on me. I was wasted enough to probably let her, but I couldn’t get it up. I was too drunk, and when my mind realized what we were doing, I stopped her anyway. Her mouth never came near me. I even joked with Riley about it after, made some lame ass comment about favors. I didn’t realize. Shit, I didn’t realize it.
I pull her away and make her look at me. I wipe her tears with my thumbs and sigh. “Baby, listen to me. I don’t know what Preslee is talking about. I have never been in anyone’s mouth but yours. You are my first everything, Riley. I promise you that.”
She visibly relaxes until she tenses again when I say, “But...there was that time at Collin’s party. Truth is...she propositioned me in the bathroom, but I didn’t accept her proposition. I was too drunk anyway. I remember kissing her and joking with you after. I’m so sorry for making a joke out of it. ”
“Too drunk? What do you mean? Like you couldn’t...ya know? Are you saying if you weren’t so drunk...you would have let her?” she asks, wiping at the tears that are falling.
I promised to never lie to her. I hate that I’m about to admit this. “I don’t know. It’s not that I wanted to. But I’m a guy and the girl I loved was with someone else—at the same party as me. I might have to be honest. I don’t know. But still, it’s not because I wanted to share anything with her. I promise it’s not like that.”
She has her eyes squeezed shut and is shaking her head back and forth. It guts me.
“Stop. Don’t say anything else. I hate her. I fucking hate her. She ruins everything,” she says between sobs.
Dammit it all to hell. She is right. Preslee ruins everything. I fucking hate her, too.
I try to pull Riley close to me, but she pushes me away. Fuck!
“I can’t right now. I just...I’m not mad at you. It’s just...I need a breather.”
I nod. “Riley, don’t do this. Don’t give her the power to come between us. I would never intentionally hurt you. What you just did to me—it was beautiful.”
Her eyes are cast down, and she slowly lifts them to mine. “She won’t come between us, Josh. But hours apart will.”
“What?”
“If I’m like this now with a girl I’ve seen you with, how do you think I’m going to handle the things I can’t see? My imagination is already the biggest bitch in the world.”
I swallow down the sickening feeling in my stomach. We still haven’t talked about this. I shut it down every time she brings it up. And right now, I think if we discussed this it would end up in an argument.
“We’re not doing this now,” I snap.
She looks at me confused, “Are we ever? When are you going to tell me the truth, Josh? I appreciate you being honest just now with me about that, but you’ve been keeping me in the dark for months about our potential future. Were you ever going to tell me that you signed with LSU in the first place? When are we going to face this? On the day you leave me here?”
I feel sick. She sighs. “I hated that I had to hear this from Dean, only to confirm it for my own ears through that window. Why didn’t you tell me the truth back in February?”
“FROM DEAN?” I shout.
“Yeah, he told me at the hospital. Imagine my shock to find out that after you told me you weren’t sure what you wanted for your future that you had already made a decision.”
I sit down on her bed and put my head in my hands. I can see her feet move to in front of me. I slowly lift my eyes to hers and find hers full of pain. “I didn’t purposely keep you in the dark. I didn’t lie when I said I hadn’t made a decision. I just had to make a choice that day or the choice would be gone. We weren’t together, Riley, and I didn’t know if we ever would be.”
“And we are now,” she mutters.
“We are,” I reply.
“So, will we be when you leave?” she asks in a soft voice.
“Of course.” I stand and wrap my arms around her.
“I love you, Riley. I will always love you. I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks now that nothing changes.” I am rubbing her back and her hair.
“I love you too, Josh, but everything changes. You have to know that.” She pushes off of me to look in my eyes.
We stare at each other, knowing the truth—everything changes.
“I have to go to dinner with my dad and sister. Can I come over later tonight and we’ll talk?” Please, let me.
Her voice becomes soft, “Of course.” I hate the sadness I see in her eyes. I fucking hate all of it—change, life, all of the years we were robbed of when we should have been together.
CHAPTER 15
I feel empty—jaded, like a pit is swallowing me whole, and someone is spitting on me for kicks. For weeks, Josh and I have been ignoring the truth—postponing the inevitable—our heartbreak. Now, it’s all I feel—all consuming.
How am I supposed to go to a wedding tomorrow with him and not imagine what I wish for him and me one day?
I have my ear buds plugged in my ears, and Get Around This by Safetysuit is playing. I feel like I am in a trance. I’m focusing on the words of the song and not the ones in my head replaying endlessly.
It is a part of the night where the sky is in between colors—changing from orange to pink to violet, and it is just breathtaking. I hate running to be honest. My lungs burn, my legs cramp and it tires me, but tonight I need it. It’s cathartic. Writing is my escape, but even that has me stuck in the dark parts of myself that I don’t like. So I’m running. Running to be free. I’m running harder than I ever have before when Rise Against starts blaring at the same rate as my heart beating.
What do I do with everything I’m thinking? Josh is leaving. We will be hours apart. What will that mean for us both? Could we survive it? Why wouldn’t he have told me sooner so I could have followed him? Even though I know I couldn’t have, the question is still in my mind. Why is life so unfair? Everything about losing him consumes my thoughts.
Holy shit, I can’t breathe. I stop for air, and I don’t even realize it, but somehow I end up near the lake—near our spot. I walk a few yards feeling the chilly night air cool my damp skin. The stars are so bright out here. The stars. For every star in the sky, I have a reason to love you. When you look up at night, never forget this truth. It’s beautiful, and I understand the gift better. He’s leaving me, and he wants to leave the stars with me, see them and remember that he loves me. He knew I’d said the stars here meant something to me, and that, without him, they disappear. He listens so attentively to the things I say. God, I love him.
I walk to the pier and sit. The sounds of nature are soothing and calming me slightly. I lie back, pulling my ear buds out. I rest my head on my arms and admire the view of the night sky hoping just one of those stars will take my wish and grant it.
All is quiet with the exception to crickets, the tiny splashes in the lake, the wind rustling the trees, and my racing thoughts about Josh.
I hear footsteps, and for a second, my skin prickles, but as though his presence has a direct connection to my heart, I sense him before I even turn around. When I look over my shoulder, my breath catches at the sight of him.
He is glowing under the moon and breathing fast as though he’d also just stopped running. His bare chest is slightly damp with sweat. The words I wrote on his chest visible. Thank you for saving this for me. You have saved mine. His heart is mine; his heart gave life to my own when it wanted to quit beating. I let my eyes drift lower seeing him in his running shorts that hang in that uber sexy way I love so much. Dear God, that V. I just want to lick his chest and taste the sweat beads off his muscles. He is beautiful.
He smiles and runs a hand through his hair. “I thought that was you. What are you doing out here all alone?” He asks in a raspy voice as though he hasn’t caught his breath yet. Does he even realize that his walking up like that has damn near stolen my breath away?
I stand up and stretch my arms above my head. His eyes rake over my petite body dressed in a sports bra and yoga pants. “I went running,” I say, suddenly feeling self-conscious about the way I look in front of him. It’s ridiculous considering he has seen all of me already—almost all of me.
“You hate running,” he states, knowing me so well.
“I needed to think.” I tell him and feel the butterflies in my stomach flutter madly with the way he is looking at me.
He steps closer to me, “About?”
I swallow, “Stuff.”
He is standing right in front of me now, and his eyes are full of curiosity. He is close—so close. My hands twitch to touch his chest and feel his muscles. He looks down at my stomach unapologetically and smirks. He reaches up trailing his index finger along my rib cage causing my skin to break out in goose bumps. “What kind of stuff?”
Seriously, I can’t think. I can’t form a single thought. I can barely breathe with his nearness, his eyes, his skin taunting me, the temperature, the way he is breathing, his finger even feather light on me like that. Oh, my God and he smells like heaven. “I don’t remember,” I breathe.
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