Going Home

by Max Vos

  [Another long pause.]

  “I never wanted any of this, ya know. But—Matt is that part of me that I’d been missin’ my whole life. I just didn’t know it.”

  “That Friday, Matt made love to me like no one had ever done before. Yes, it was sex, but it was much more than that. I think for the first time, I really knew what making love was all about. It went on for hours. The sun was settin’ and the light was a comin’ through the window, and it hit Matt, turning him to gold. It was at that moment, while I looked at my golden boy, that I had the greatest orgasm of my entire life. If there’s one orgasm, that one time you came so hard that you will remember it the rest of your life? That was mine.”

  “Afterwards, we lay in bed together, touchin’, kissin’ each other. I remember lookin’ into his eyes and seein’ the love pourin’ right on out of them, and that love was for me.”

  [Carl was choking trying to keep from sobbing. He lost that battle, put his face in his hands and sobbed for several long minutes.]

  “I’m sorry, Carter. This is very hard for me.”

  Carter Roberts: “Take your time, Carl, there's no hurry.”

  [I turned off the recorder here for about thirty minutes. I also had to stop as I was crying too.]

  Carl Foltz: “Anyway, we lay like that for quite some time. Then Matt’s stomach growled and broke the mood, with both of us laughin’. You can’t deny that boy food for too long, talk about someone gettin’ right cranky.”

  “That weekend, we talked… a lot. We also cried. In between, we made love so many times that my balls started to ache. By the time he said goodbye Sunday night, I could hardly walk. I don’t think we ever left the house that weekend. Back then, I had several farm hands that could handle most anythin’ that needed takin’ care of, so that wasn’t an issue.”

  “That Sunday night, when Matt left, I had two very distinct feelin’s going on at once. One was an emptiness of him leavin’. Of course, that happened to some degree every time he went back to school, but this time it was a different type of emptiness, one I still can’t describe very well. It felt, and still does to this day, like I lose a part of myself whenever he leaves. The second thing was that I felt love for myself, my total self, for the first time in my life. I can’t begin to tell you how liberating, how freein’, that feeling was and is.”

  “You see… I’d always known I was gay, that I preferred men over women. Back then, it wasn’t accepted, especially where I came from. Hicksville, Nebraska was not a place to be a homosexual back then. So there I was, being loved by a man for the first time in my life and I loved him back. When I understood I was in love, it was like I’d been hit by a bolt of lightning. The big issue was that I was in love with my own son and he loved me. In a way I loved him twice; once as a son and once like a lover.”

  Carter Rogers: “What about Matt’s mother?”

  Carl Foltz: [Heavy sigh and a few minutes passed.] “Diane. I loved Diane. I did. But I was never in love with her. I dated Diane all through high school. That was what was expected, so I did it. It was just the way it was. I never knew that there were places to go if you were gay. If anyone was even suspected of being gay around there, their life was pure hell, and they never stayed around long either. I knew that I couldn’t and wouldn’t deal with that, so I dated Diane.”

  “I know it wasn’t fair to her, and I’m sure it hurt her in ways that she never knew. That is a guilt I will never be able to come to grips with. I tried to make her happy, though, I really did.”

  “Anyway, I was a football jock, just like Matt was, and at the same high school, matter of fact. It was the first game of my senior year and I was barely seventeen. After the game, which we won of course, a lot of the other guys from the team and their dates went out to eat at the local hamburger joint. After that, Diane wanted to go to this lake that was a known make out spot. Doing what I thought was expected of me, I went to go make out with my girl. Well, one thing led to another and being horned up seventeen year olds, we had sex.”

  “Matt was conceived that night. Funny thing is… I was trying to figure out a way to dump Diane. I had been accepted to the University of Nebraska, and I wanted to have the freedom to do what I wanted without worrying about having a girlfriend back home. Six weeks later, Diane told me she was ‘late’. We waited and sure enough, after eight weeks, she was sure. I was devastated. I never got the chance to dump her and then she was pregnant and I knew that my dreams were gone.”

  “I told my parents and I went with Diane to tell her parents, and then our parents met, and it was decided that I would marry Diane quickly and quietly. Two weeks later, Diane and I were married. Diane left town to ‘visit’ her great aunt and I stayed in high school. Everything was kept hush-hush to protect Diane's and her family’s reputations.”

  “My mother was heartbroken and my father was furious. My life was hell for the next few months. That lasted until each of them held Matt for the first time. After that, I somehow was miraculously forgiven. I can’t say I blame them though. The first time I held Matt, I got so emotional I almost dropped him.”

  “My mother was adamant that I still go to college, so Diane and Matt moved in with my parents and I went, coming home every weekend. It was hard, but with my parents help, we made it okay. My father made sure to work my ass hard every weekend I was home though. I think he was trying to make sure that I was too tired to make any more babies.” [Carl smiled.]

  Carter Roberts: “While you were in college did you ever do anything to confront your being gay?”

  Carl Foltz: “I had my first gay sexual experience my freshman year. Damn, I felt guilty cheating on Diane, but it only confirmed what I already knew, that I wanted to be sexual with men, not women. Hell, I didn’t even want it to happen, it just… did.”

  Carter Roberts: “How did that make you feel?”

  Carl Foltz: “Like a total heel. I had a wife and a baby at home, and I was expected to go home every weekend and play the doting father and husband. Problem with that was I wasn’t sexually attracted to Diane. I did my husbandly duty, but not as often as Diane would have wanted or expected I’m sure. I did try to do right by her, I really did, but my heart wasn’t in it and I think she started to realize that.”

  Carter Roberts: “But you did graduate college, right?”

  Carl Foltz: “Oh yeah, I graduated. I majored in Agriculture, like Matt did, but mine was a general degree, but I minored in Finance.”

  Carter Roberts: “And after you graduated?”

  Carl Foltz: “I came home to play the husband and father role. I didn’t know what else to do. Hell, Diane and Matt were still living with my parents. It wasn’t like I was going to, or be able to, kick them out. Matter of fact, we continued to live with my parents after I graduated and moved home. My mother was so attached to Matt that I think it would have killed her had we moved out.”

  “I was trapped and I knew it. However, I did my duty and resigned myself that it was going to be the way my life was. My joy was in Matt. Things stayed that way until Matt’s mother died.”

  Carter Roberts: “How did Diane die?”

  “Carl Foltz: “Diane died from a brain aneurism. She had been out in the garden and fell over dead, or so the doctors said. My mother found her a few hours later. I had Matt with me and my dad, running the columbine. One of the farm hands that lived on the place came out and brought us back to the house. That is when I found out that Diane was dead.”

  Carter Roberts: “That must have been hard on Matt. How old was he?”

  Carl Foltz: “Matt was barely eight years old. It was hard on all of us, but Matt actually got over it before the rest of us, I think. I was heartbroken with guilt. It took me a long time to get over that. I just knew that I had cheated Diane out of a happy life and blamed myself, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, for her death. Matt actually took care of me for a good part of that time. He was still the only real joy in my life, even then.”

  “Before I could fully
get over Diane’s death, my father had a stroke and died. That was only six months after Diane died. I was very close to my father and it seemed that my world had come to an end. It’s a good thing that my mother was the strong woman she was. She was the one who finally pulled me through and made me see that I needed to get my shit together, to be a good father and take over the farm full time. Even though Matt was only eight years old, he was already way older than his years. We both did a lot of growing up that year.”

  “I think my mother held that farm together more than I did for a long time. Matt was the one joy that made me and my mother happy. He was a happy kid, for the most part, and knew whenever either of us was down. He’s always had a smile that could make anyone do anything he wanted, the little booger. He still gets away with a lot because of that smile.”

  “My mother died quietly in her sleep one night. Matt was seventeen, I think. That was really hard on him. The two of them were like two peas in a pod and were very close. Of course, I took it hard as well, but I’d matured enough by then to deal with it a little better. Besides, I had Matt who needed me this time. I’d relied on him enough as it was.”

  Carter Roberts: “If I have my numbers right, Matt is only seventeen years younger than you?”

  Carl Foltz: “That’s right. Matt’s birthday is one week before mine.”

  Carter Roberts: “Was there anything significant that happened from the time your mother died until you and Matt got together at the bar that night?”

  Carl Foltz: “No, not really. Matt finished high school that year and got a football scholarship to the University of Nebraska. The only other major issue was that ConAgro, a major agricultural conglomerate, was trying to sue me into submission and take over the family farm. That was kind of a rough patch, but I was able to fend them off.”

  Carter Roberts: “How did you come to move from Nebraska to Indiana?”

  Carl Foltz: “Right before Matt graduated, he and I decided that we needed to move and make a clean start where no one knew us. We have a few relatives back in Nebraska that were getting a little too nosy about me and Matt, I felt. We both knew that if anyone found out about our ‘special relationship’ it could mean real trouble for us.”

  “The plan was for Matt to change his last name to my mother’s maiden name right before his graduation, and do it under the radar. ConAgro was rearing their ugly head again about then, so I had a meeting with them and got a pretty good deal for the farm. I actually was able to sell the house separately, but they had to move it. I guess I was a little sentimental about the old place and didn’t want to see it torn down. It now sits a few miles away and is owned by a nice family. Whenever I go back, I drive by it.”

  Carter Roberts: “How did you come to settle here?”

  Carl Foltz: “That was Matt’s doing. He studied Animal Husbandry in college. He always had a thing for critters. I guess a lot of it comes from his big heartedness. Anyway, he had done a lot of research on this particular breed of cattle that comes from Italy. At the time, there were only two other breeders in North America, one in Colorado and one in Wyoming. Being the brain he is, he figured that this area was the perfect climate for this breed of cow, so he hunted for property in this area until he found this place. I was able to put a down payment on it and hold it until he graduated a few months later. As soon as he was done with school, we moved here. We both own it together outright, free and clear now.”

  Carter Roberts: “How did your relatives feel about your moving?”

  Carl Foltz: “Matt took care of that for the most part. Everyone knew that ConAgro was on our asses for the property and that Matt wanted to work with cattle, so he made it look like perfect sense to move away. He made the whole thing seem as natural as the sun coming up. He can charm a snake outta its skin, I swear.”

  Carter Roberts: “Well Carl, I think that is all the questions that I have for you at this time. Thank you. Your story is really remarkable.”

  Carl Foltz: “Thank you, Carter.”

  [End of individual interview with Carl Foltz]

  Chapter 10

  CARL AND I walked back into the house, both of us feeling a little drained. We saw Matt in the kitchen. He had ear buds in his ears and an IPod hanging from his neck on a chain. He was dancing to whatever he was listening to while he cleaned strawberries. He was swinging his hips and thrusting at rhythmic intervals, his big dick and balls swinging in opposition to his hip movements. All in all, it was quite comical. He turned around and saw us watching, Carl and me both with big grins on our faces as we looked on.

  “Hey, guys, how’d it…” Matt had pulled the ear buds off. He stopped mid-sentence looking concerned when he saw his father’s face, and then turning to me, he looked as if he could rip my head off.

  “Hey, it’s okay. I just got a little emotional is all,” Carl said calmly. “It’s all good.”

  I was a little surprised at Matt’s reaction. I didn’t expect Matt to turn on me like that. What it did give me was a new perspective to Carl and Matt’s relationship. I knew at that point, Matt would do anything to protect his father, and for some odd reason, that made it okay in my mind’s eye. It dawned on me that I would more than likely feel the same way if anyone threatened or hurt either of them. That was surprising.

  How in the hell did I become so attached to these two men in such a short length of time? I asked myself. Something I’m going to really have to think about… later.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Matt asked, taking his father’s face in his hands and looking deeply into his eyes.

  “Yes, I’m fine. It was hard talking about Diane and Grandma is all,” Carl reassured Matt.

  “Oh, yeah, I can see that,” Matt agreed. “I’m sorry, Carter. I should have known better to think that you’d do anything to Carl.”

  “Not only do I accept your apology, I understand what it was you were feeling. I gotta tell you, I had the thought just then that if anyone were to try and hurt either of you, I’d feel the same way. I’d probably have the same look you just did Matt, and that bothers me. It bothers me a great deal. I don’t know that I should be the one to write this article on you guys. I think I’m too close to you now.” I felt confused and conflicted about this project suddenly.

  “No. Carter, you have to be the one to write it. I really want it to be told.” Matt came over to me, put both hands on my shoulders, and stooped down to be eye to eye with me. “By you knowing us so well, now you’ll be able to tell everyone how much we love each other, and it is just love. It doesn’t matter who loves you as long as it is honest and true love.” I could tell from Matt’s expression that he was passionate about this. “I want our story told and I want you to be the one to tell it.”

  “Okay, Matt, I’ll try. But if down the road, while I’m writing it, I feel that I’m not doing it justice, I may need to hand it off to someone else. I don’t want to mess it up for you guys.” I was very apprehensive that I would come off biased on this, and they deserved better.

  “I know you can do it, Carter. You get us. You understand us now,” Matt pleaded.

  “Carter, I think I have to say Matt’s right. Go back, write it and do your best. I just ask you one thing,” Carl said solemnly.

  “Okay, what?” I asked.

  “That before you decide to hand it off, let me and Matt read it. Do your best but let us see what you come up with before you make any decisions. Deal?” Carl probed.

  “That seems fair. I can do that,” I relented.

  “Damn, you two sure are buzz kills. I was having a great time until you sour pusses came in,” Matt said, all pouty, which made him adorable and irresistible. “How ’bout a little hot tub time? Get everyone relaxed,” Matt suggested like a happy kid.

  “Now, that sounds like a brilliant idea. I know now why I keep you around,” Carl teased Matt as he pinched his ass. “I’ll get us a few more beers. Go take the top off, Matt, and Carter, go get us some towels.”

  We all went in diffe
rent directions to get what we needed, meeting back at the hot tub. With all of us in the hot bubbling water, each of us with a cold beer, we were able to relax a bit.

  “Guys, I need to tell you something. After that, I promise I won’t be serious any more tonight,” I declared.

  Carl didn’t say anything, just looked at me waiting, while Matt moaned, rolling his eyes.

  “I really didn’t want to come here. I think I may have said that. What I didn’t tell you is that I felt repulsed by the whole thing, you know, the father son thing. I was so wrong. I want to… no, I need to apologize. I was being judgmental. I think maybe I was also pulling in my own emotional baggage.” I took a deep breath and continued. “Now that I have gotten to know you, I would like you to understand I would do anything for you guys. I do love you like you were my own family.” I was tearing up, realizing that I was still not being completely honest with them, but I was scared.

  What I was frightened to admit to them, and to myself, was that I had fallen in love with both of them. Now wasn’t that a kick in the ass? In love with two men at the same time, who also were father and son, who happen to be in a relationship together. This was so crazy, no one could have made this shit up.

  Matt and Carl looked at each other. As if reading each other’s minds, simultaneously they reached for me and bodily pulled me into their laps, laying me out across them. My head was leaning on Carl’s shoulder, where he placed it, while Matt held me under my knees with one arm and stroked my chest under the water with the other. Carl was holding my hand and stroking my hair.

  “Carter, you know I wasn’t sure about doing this interview. Hell, I didn’t even want to meet you. Now, with that said, I want you to know, and I mean this from my heart, you have made me feel more than comfortable about doin’ this whole magazine article,” Carl said, looking down into my face. “And there is somethin’ else I want to tell you: I think Matt feels the same way, even though we’ve not talked about it, but I know him. I think both of us have fallen in love with you. You have brought another dynamic into our lives, as well as a lot of joy. Now that’s something I wasn’t expectin’.”