Getting Through (Only You Book 3)

by J. S. Finley

“You’re sexy,” Mike said.

  Lane chuckled. “Thank you. So are you. I’m glad you and I hooked up—that’s not the right word. We’re something more than just hooked up.”

  “I’m glad you and I did what we did.”

  The waiter brought out their salads, and he ate, stealing glances at Lane between forkfuls of food. Lane was too sexy. Why hadn’t he ever thought of dating guys before? But not any guy would do; Lane was the guy he wanted.

  “Is your salad good?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, what about yours?”

  “It’s good. I wish the main course would come out. I’m starving.”

  Mike chuckled and stabbed a tomato with his fork before lifting it to his mouth and chomping down on it. They both laughed as they continued to demolish their salads.

  Soon, the waiter came over with their food, setting the plates in front of them. He thanked the man then picked up his fork and dug in. His lasagna was perfect. Lane chowed down on his chicken. At some point, the mood had changed. He wasn’t as exhausted or sad. Maybe there was hope or something like hope swirling around in his brain. He wanted to believe he could have happiness. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. Just because every relationship he’d ever had ended with yelling and screaming didn’t mean Lane would walk away.

  5

  Lane worried about Mike. Though he’d played it off as nothing, he was concerned about a repeat as they headed back to his place. If Mike had another episode, would he wake up in time to fight him off?

  The bus dropped them off, and they walked the rest of the way to his apartment. Mike bumped his shoulder as they headed into his place, and he glanced over, liking the heat he saw in Mike’s eyes. He’d been talking enough with Jake and Brent to know what anal sex was like, and he guessed their relationship made him more accepting. Maybe he would have been open to a relationship with a guy earlier in his life, but if he’d hooked up with just anyone, he might not have been willing to take a chance with Mike now or he would have blown the chance before he realized he needed someone in his life long-term. He and Mike were good together, and he wanted them to last for more than a few fucks.

  They took a quick shower, washing off the dirt and grime from the city. After drying, they flopped onto the bed, snuggling close. Mike held him tight as they kissed and cuddled.

  Mike rolled on top of him and stared into his eyes. “I never thought I would feel this way about another person.”

  He nodded. “I know what you mean.”

  “I don’t want to lose you.”

  “You won’t.” Lane rocked his hips up, pressing his body against Mike’s. The feel of Mike’s hard cock was making him so hot.

  “Soon”—Mike licked his neck and then nibbled on his earlobe—“I want to actually fuck you.”

  “God, yes,” Lane said.

  “I want to slide into you and take you higher than you’ve ever been before.”

  He sighed and grasped Mike’s body harder, holding him close. “Yes, I want that. I want to feel you. All of you.”

  “Fuck, man, you drive me crazy.”

  They were rocking hard, and sweat slicked their skin. Mike sliding against him was an incredibly delicious feeling. He lifted his head, kissing Mike’s chest.

  “God, Lane, I need you.”

  They both grunted before Mike delivered a long, deep kiss, which left him breathless. He lifted his legs and wrapped them around Mike’s body. Again, if he tilted up a little, then Mike would be inside him.

  Mike stilled and stared at him, his eyes full of emotions. “How can you mean so much to me?”

  His voice caught with emotion as his throat closed. Sure, the sex was great, but the sex wasn’t what made this so amazing. He cupped Mike’s cheeks, holding them between his hands as Mike began rocking above him. He dropped his legs, and Mike adjusted their cocks so they were pressed between them, the sensation taking him higher.

  Mike’s body was shaking, his breath coming in gasps. “Fuck, Lane.”

  “Mike,” he said between clenched teeth. “Mike!”

  They both came, their gasps and grunts filling the room. He held onto Mike as they recovered, his grasp going from clenching his lover to gentle strokes of his hand as Mike slid to the side. Neither one of them got up to wash. He drifted off first and woke to light spilling into the room. His first thought was he’d forgotten to lower the light blocking shades. Then he realized it was the first time in a long while that he’d slept until dawn. Usually he woke at some point in the middle of the night if he tried to nap on his nights off. It would be hard getting back to his regular schedule but so worth it since he’d been in bed with Mike.

  He looked at Mike’s head resting on the pillow next to his. His heart filled with an ache that made him want to hold on tight and never let go. Mike moved, snuggling closer, and he smiled as warmth washed over him. He was hard, which wasn’t unusual in the mornings, but having a hard cock pressed up against his leg was very different.

  He rolled toward Mike, happiness filling him. “Morning,” he whispered, trying to keep his stinky breath out of Mike’s face.

  “Hmm, I need a taste of you this morning.”

  Lane laughed as he got up and headed into the bathroom. They both rinsed out their mouths before Mike pushed him up against the door. He sighed as Mike pumped against him, his touch rough. It seemed like when Mike felt a little insecure, he grew rougher. Having the appointment this morning would surely make him feel off. Lane didn’t mind because Mike wasn’t hurting him, and it was kind of fun just hanging out.

  After they finished their sexcapade up against the bathroom door, they showered then dressed. They needed to leave with enough time for any delays getting across the river. He suggested they get food in Manhattan and Mike agreed. After their shower, Mike seemed subdued. He didn’t say much on the ride over, and when they arrived at Penn Station, he exited the bus without speaking.

  Lane didn’t press him. They stopped at a small diner near the hospital to eat breakfast. If they had time, he’d suggest they walk around a little. He tried joking with Mike, but his comedy fell flat. Mike wasn’t in the mood. It took longer for them to eat than he thought it would. When they were close to the appointment time, he stood. Mike wasn’t in a hurry and seemed to be taking his time getting up from the table.

  They walked over, but Mike was dragging his feet. Once at the hospital, Mike followed him to the elevator but didn’t say anything on the way up. When they got to Sharron’s office, Mike spoke only when he needed to.

  “I’m going to go grab a coffee while you have your appointment,” Lane said.

  Mike nodded, but again, his words were few. His eyes were glued to the door, maybe planning his escape. Lane wished he could help his buddy, but this was something Mike had to do on his own.

  When the door to the doctor’s back area opened, Lane stood and gave Mike a quick hug before heading out. He wanted to hold Mike’s hand, but Mike needed to work through this on his own.

  6

  Mike wished Lane would stay, but he had to have this first appointment with Sharron alone. He was ushered into her office and seated in a chair across the desk from her. She smiled, but not too much. She was older than he was, maybe in her late forties, maybe her fifties. He wasn’t sure. There were a few grey hairs, but nothing overwhelming.

  He wondered what the guys would think about him being here. He’d kept his issues hidden so well. None of them knew he was a ticking time bomb.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Mike. I’m Sharron Ross.”

  He nodded, trying to smile, knowing he failed. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “So, Mike, you know Lane from the military?”

  “Yes, ma’am. We were stationed together. We saw a lot of action.”

  “Would you like to tell me why you’re here today?”

  He shrugged and picked at a string on his pants. “I don’t know. I guess it’s because I-I have this issue when I’m sleeping. Sometimes I’m okay, but oth
er times, I wake up and I’ve done something.”

  Sharron lifted her brows, but he stayed silent. It was obvious she wanted him to talk, but it was so difficult. Embarrassment filled him as he thought of everything he’d done.

  “Something like what?” Sharron finally asked.

  “I choked Lane. I’ve done it before, not Lane, but choked other people I was sleeping with. I’ve made sure not to be in the position of sleeping with or staying the night with anyone after it happened before. But Lane is different. I— Maybe this was a mistake.” He rose from the chair but stalled when Sharron lifted her hand and raised her brows.

  “Mike, I don’t think you coming here is a mistake.”

  “So you don’t mind that I was in bed with Lane?”

  “No, not at all. I hope you can find someone who you like enough to trust. It’s hard to trust after you’ve been in battle situations. I’ve treated a lot of men and women who have come home from war, and they need a little help working through things.”

  “Why don’t the other guys need help?”

  “Other guys?” Sharron asked.

  “Yeah, mine and Lane’s other friends.”

  “Well, you don’t know they haven’t gotten help. They could have already been treated. Also, did they all experience everything you did?”

  He shook his head and frowned. “No.”

  “Okay, so how about we concentrate on you.”

  Mike stared at his hands, wondering how life had gotten so complicated. “So you don’t think I’m broken?”

  “No, Mike, you’re not broken.”

  He drew in a ragged breath as memories of Benjamin surfaced. “I saw him blown apart. No one else was there. One minute Benjamin was laughing about something, and the next, he was in pieces. The other guys came running up, but they didn’t see him explode.”

  “Have you talked to Benjamin’s family?”

  He shook his head as heat filled him. “No, I didn’t know if I should.”

  “Do you think it would help?”

  Anger slid through him. “I don’t know; aren’t you supposed to tell me?”

  She chuckled and shook her head. “If it were easy, therapists wouldn’t need to go to school. I can tell you what I would do, but I’m not you. You need to figure out what will help you. Have you figured out a pattern for when you get triggered and have issues?”

  He shook his head. “No, and I don’t like the word triggered.”

  “Okay, we can use another word. What word would you like?”

  “I don’t know. I just—it’s like something is flipped, and I go off. I can’t help myself. Somewhere in my mind, I may know I need to pull back, but I can’t. Sometimes, I see myself operating, you know, holding the person’s neck, but I can’t stop.”

  “I’d like you to start using meditation; nothing long, just a little something you could do before you go to sleep. Something to help calm your brain.”

  He nodded as a little sliver of hope started to develop. What if this worked? Could he really have a full life?

  “That would be good.”

  “Is there a pleasant memory you have from your past, something you could focus on, which would help you to calm?”

  “I don’t know.” He rubbed his hand over his jeans, wondering if maybe he’d made a huge mistake coming in here. How could this woman help him if he didn’t even know what he needed help with?

  “Think about your past.”

  “Lane calms me.”

  “Okay, that’s good. Maybe you can find one thing about Lane that calms you the most. Maybe a memory, something you shared. Something you did together.”

  “There was this ice cream place near base we went to when we were stateside.”

  “Good. Think about the ice cream place and focus.”

  “It’s really Lane. Not the ice cream. I don’t really care for sweets, but Lane went there with me on Saturday mornings.”

  “Remember the good, and breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

  He took a few breaths in, his mind on the ice cream shop and the good times they had there. He remembered laughing with Lane. He chuckled as he thought about the fun they had hanging out without the pressure of work, or war.

  “Before bed each night, I want you to think about the memory. Use it to keep calm.”

  He opened his eyes and met her gaze. “Do you think I can actually stay calm?”

  “Mike, you can train your mind to be anything you need it to be. When something happens that causes you to associate negatively about the situation, let’s change the flow of your thoughts.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “You’re angry now about being here. The first time I saw you smile was when you were thinking about Lane.”

  He narrowed his eyes as he stared at her. “I’m being a jerk, aren’t I?”

  She shook her head. “No, you’re upset. I understand upset. You don’t want to be here. I totally and completely get your hesitancy. Lane asked you to come, what else has Lane asked you to do that you’re not sure about?”

  He closed his eyes and shook his head. “He wants me to move here so I can get help. I want to, but I don’t know if the only reason he wants me to move in is because he wants me or he thinks I’m someone to pity.”

  She drew in a slow breath and nodded. “You can ask him.”

  His stomach churned. What if Lane didn’t want him? Maybe Lane was humoring him. “I don’t know.”

  “I’ve only met Lane a few times in passing when he has transferred a patient to me. What are some of his best qualities?”

  His heart jerked and he sat forward. “He’s kind, sweet, and always nice. He’s got this thing about him which is amazing. He’s honest. I have to tell you, he’s one of the best men I’ve ever met.”

  “He sounds like he’s a good man. If you asked him about his feelings toward you, do you think he would tell you the truth?”

  He blinked at Sharron, wondering if she’d done that on purpose. Of course she had. She’d made him think about all of Lane’s best qualities. But fear still held him. What if Lane told him to go away?

  Sharron sat up straighter. “Mike, we’ve been at this for thirty minutes. How about we schedule a short session for tomorrow. You’ll have time to talk to Lane and think about the things we discussed. How does that sound?”

  He nodded as he stood. He reached out and shook Sharron’s hand, feeling more settled about coming here. Maybe Lane really did want him, but he wouldn’t know unless he asked.

  “Sure, I think talking tomorrow would be good.”

  “Awesome. Check out with Leslie up front and schedule your next appointment. If you do decide to stay in the area, I have a study which might suit you.”

  He paused and his heart sped up. “What type of study?”

  “There is a questionnaire you have to answer to see if you qualify. Then, if you do, we work with a neurologist. We’re using impulses to the brain along with counseling, meditation, and a little tweak to your diet to bring about change.”

  He stared at Sharron, unsure if he’d heard her right. Could this possibly work? What if he joined this study and it failed? Could he take the failure? “What is the thing you do to my brain?”

  “It’s not anything to be afraid of. We’re not actually opening you up. We send electronic pulses. When you experienced trauma, your brain was changed. What you saw made your brain go into shock. It changed your life and now, we want to change it back. We want to get you thinking positive thoughts instead of reenacting the negative. You won’t forget what happened, and you will be able to think about the situation and be sad or angry or upset, but those thoughts won’t rule your actions.”

  He nodded slowly, wondering if this was real. “Okay.”

  “We need you to qualify for the study though.”

  “What do I have to do to qualify?”

  Sharron chuckled. “I can’t tell you. I know, it seems wrong, but I need you to qualify without my influ
ence. I want a grant to broaden my research, and I can’t have influenced any of my patients. I’ve seen good results, but I think I’ve seen results because I’ve worked to make sure the results won’t be tainted.”

  His chest tightened. No question, he needed help. After what he’d done to Lane, he felt terrible. He had to get this fixed. “Okay, you’ve intrigued me. I want to be able to qualify for this study.”

  Sharron gave him a smile that reminded him of a teacher he’d had in high school. She’d been nice to him.

  “Then I’ll see you tomorrow, and we’ll set up a time you can come in and start the process.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’m glad I got the chance to meet you. Lane is a nice guy.”

  “He really is.”

  Mike made sure he had his things and headed out to the waiting room where he stopped to pay.

  “Sharron said she wanted to see you tomorrow,” Leslie said.

  “Yes. And I didn’t give my insurance information to you.”

  “Sure. I can take your card and put it in the system. She’s directed there be no charge for today or tomorrow. If you come back for more sessions, we’ll start filing insurance.”

  “Okay.” He felt a little weird since they hadn’t charged him for anything yet. He wanted to tell her he needed to pay, but he held his tongue.

  “Is two tomorrow okay with you?” Leslie asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Thank you, and have a good day.” She handed his cards back to him then answered the phone.

  Mike turned to step out of the office but saw Lane sitting in the corner. How long had he been there?

  “Hey.” Lane stood and moved close. “You ready to go for a walk in the park?”

  “Yeah. I like the park. It’s peaceful.”

  Lane smiled, and his eyes crinkled a little. It was shit like that which made him get all warm around Lane. The man was freaking attractive and kind. He would never be able to leave Lane.

  “Cool. We’ll eat lunch near there,” Lane said.

  He didn’t mind that the elevator was full. They didn’t speak until they were out on the streets because there were too many people and his life was none of their business. “Sharron likes you,” Mike said.