An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  ‘I know, but war is so destructive. It made me so angry to see those who arrived in the hospital so badly injured. Fortunately, many will be able to live reasonable lives once they finish their recovery, but mentally they will carry their scars for ever. Their family life will never be the same again. Marriages will suffer.’

  ‘Well, Helen, you and all the medical staff did the best you could. Just think of those who did get home because of you. Me for one.’

  She smiled up at him. ‘Yes, I’m really pleased about that. Now, come on, let’s rest a while before we get to Southampton as the disembarkation will be tiring and we have more travelling ahead of us before we get home.’

  The ensuing journey seemed endless. After leaving the ship and being taken by ambulance to the train station, they had to change trains once and James became tired. Although his leg was healing, he still hadn’t recovered fully from the operation on his liver and the wounds from the shrapnel. Helen made sure he slept as much as possible. She had his medication and gave it to him throughout the journey until eventually they pulled into Cheltenham.

  There they were met by James’s father who was waiting anxiously on the platform for his son’s arrival. As he saw them alight, he rushed over to help, clasping his son in his arms, being careful not to knock him off his walking sticks. ‘Good to see you, my boy,’ he said, his voice choked with emotion.

  ‘Hello, Dad. This is Helen Chalmers.’

  Seeing Helen’s nurse’s uniform, Edward Havers assumed she was travelling with James to look after his needs.

  ‘Thank you, my dear, for looking after my son. Let’s get him into the car and then home. How long will you be staying to look after him?’

  James caught his father by the arm and grinned broadly.

  ‘The army didn’t send a nurse to care for me, Dad. Helen is a friend of mine and she’s on leave. She lives in Evesham and has been looking after me in hospital, but we met before that.’

  Edward looked totally confused.

  Helen came to his rescue. ‘I think we should get James home and in bed first, explanations can wait.’

  Outside the station stood a car and, to Helen’s surprise, Edward carried the baggage over to it.

  ‘Good heavens, Dad, when did you buy the Rover?’ asked James.

  ‘A few months ago,’ he said with a note of male pride. ‘Let me help you in. The roads are not always kind to motors but in time, of course, as more are built, then they will have to do something about it. This is the future, James.’

  Helen sat in the back and breathed in the air. Home! How long she’d thought of being here. She gazed at the passing houses built in the stone so prevalent in the Cotswolds and was content. She closed her mind to the conversation between the two men and just mentally soaked up the passing country scenes before her. It was so therapeutic. She felt herself beginning to relax and just enjoy the journey until she felt the vehicle slow and Edward turned into a long driveway, situated behind open iron gates.

  She sat higher in her seat as they drove towards a splendid-looking manor house. James came from a wealthy background, which was now obvious. Standing at the top of the steps leading to the large, carved front door stood a woman, dressed elegantly with a long coat draped round her shoulders, whom Helen assumed was the mother of James. She walked down the steps to greet them.

  Edward got out of the driving seat and picked up the two suitcases as Helen helped James. His mother embraced him immediately.

  ‘James, darling, I can’t tell you how good it is to see you home, safe and sound.’

  Kissing his mother he said, ‘It’s good to be back. Mother, this is Helen, a friend of mine, also my nurse when I was in hospital. She did a great deal to help with my recovery.’

  Frances Havers saw the look of affection that her son bestowed on the nurse. She smiled at Helen. ‘Welcome to Gately Manor, I’m so happy to meet you and be able to thank you personally.’

  ‘Helen will be staying a couple of days, Mother, then she’s off to her own parents in Evesham. She’s on leave, you see. Unlike me, she has to return to France.’

  ‘We need to get James settled, Mrs Havers,’ said Helen. ‘We’ve been travelling for two days and he really needs to rest.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Frances. ‘Would you like something to eat first?’

  James looked at Helen. ‘That sounds like a good idea. I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.’

  ‘Now you mention it, I’m hungry too.’ Turning to Frances she said, ‘But could it be something light for now?’

  ‘Of course. Let’s go into the living room; I’ll send for a pot of tea and have a word with the cook. Follow me, please.’

  The hallway was large and full of light from the big windows. A long table stood alongside the stairway and a couple of easy chairs were placed next to a bookcase. It had a warm, cosy feel to it. The drawing room was elegant but welcoming with its log fire burning in the open grate. Two comfortable settees were placed opposite each other with a long coffee table between them.

  ‘Come near the fire and get warm,’ Frances suggested, ‘and I’ll go and see the cook.’

  James settled down and looked round the room, then at Helen. ‘You will understand just how wonderful it is to sit here and see everything that is familiar and safe, but for me the nicest thing of all is to see you here as well.’

  ‘It’s a lovely house,’ she said, gazing out of the French doors at the garden. ‘Now you’ll soon recover.’

  ‘Doctor Coombs is calling to see you in the morning,’ Edward said as he joined them. Turning to Helen he added, ‘It’s a bonus that you’re here, my dear, as you can give him vital information about my son’s condition.’

  ‘I’ll be happy to,’ she said.

  Frances returned with a tray of tea. ‘Here, a cup of tea cures all, or so we are led to believe,’ she said, smiling.

  A while later, James and Helen sat in the dining room and enjoyed a meal of fish, mashed potatoes and mixed vegetables, followed by home-made Bakewell tart. It was like a banquet, they were so hungry. But after, Helen insisted that James should rest.

  Mrs Havers had thoughtfully prepared a room for her son downstairs; knowing that he’d had a broken leg, she thought it would save him having to go up and down the stairs each day, until the leg was completely healed.

  Helen helped him get out of his uniform, seeing how weary he now looked, and got him settled. It was a pleasant room with a big window overlooking the garden and as Helen made him comfortable, she felt him slowly relax.

  ‘Try and sleep, James. It’s been a devil of a journey and we don’t want you to do too much as soon as you’re home.’

  ‘Tomorrow I’ll take you to meet Chloe,’ he said. ‘I can’t wait to see the old girl.’

  ‘I’m sure she’ll be as happy to see you. Now get some sleep. When you wake, then you can get up and sit with your parents. I’ll go and get changed out of these clothes and if possible I’ll have a bath. I feel decidedly scruffy and dirty.’

  He caught her by the hand. ‘You look good to me, Helen.’

  Laughing she said, ‘Ah yes, but you’re biased. I’ll see you later.’

  Mrs Havers met Helen in the hallway. ‘I’ll show you to your room upstairs,’ she said. ‘The bathroom is opposite and there’s plenty of hot water if you need to bathe. There are towels on the bed.’

  Helen thanked her. ‘The thing I want to do more than anything right now is to sink into a bath of hot water.’

  ‘If you want to rest after your journey, please do,’ her hostess said. ‘We’ll be in the drawing room until dinner. Please make yourself at home.’

  The room was reasonably large, with twin beds, a wardrobe, dressing table and mirror, and a small, comfortable easy chair with a side table. Walking to the window, Helen saw that this room also overlooked the well-kept garden. Evergreen shrubs filled the beds, the deciduous trees were as yet without their leaves, but Helen recognised a couple of beds filled with rose
bushes and could imagine how beautiful it would look when they were in bloom.

  She undressed, put on a dressing gown and made her way to the bathroom. After turning on the taps, she found bath cubes and crumbed a couple in the running water, then disrobed and climbed into the bath. She just lay there as the bath filled with water, closed her eyes and relaxed. The last time she’d done this was in the hotel when she was on leave with Richard – when they were still lovers. Strange how life could change so quickly. It was at the same hotel that she’d met James and now here she was in his home, and he convalescing after his injuries. She sat up, remembering the shock she had when she realised who was on the operating table. It had been one of the worst moments of her life, but thanks to Richard’s skill, he had saved James, which was ironic to say the least.

  She eventually stepped out of the bath, dried herself and returned to her room, looked longingly at the bed for a moment and then climbed in, pulling the sheets and blankets around her.

  Two hours later Helen woke. For a moment she was confused as to where she was, then she remembered. Stifling a yawn, she climbed out of bed, quickly remade it and dressed. She walked downstairs and tapping gently on the door of James’s room, entered. The bed was empty.

  As she left the room she heard voices coming from what she imagined was the drawing room and she made her way over towards the noise. The door was open and she saw James, in a dressing gown, sitting near the fire, talking to his parents.

  ‘Come in, my dear,’ Edward Havers said as he saw her.

  ‘It seems you needed that rest more than I did,’ James remarked. ‘Come and sit beside me.’ He moved along the settee. ‘It’s lovely to see you out of uniform.’

  ‘Dinner will be in half an hour,’ said Frances Havers. ‘James has passed on a sherry, but can I get one for you?’

  ‘How lovely, thank you.’

  James held her hand. ‘Isn’t it marvellous to be in an English household again. It makes me realise how lucky we are to have survived.’

  ‘I’m sure Helen doesn’t want to talk about the war, James.’ His mother’s tone was sharp as she admonished him.

  Helen frowned. She could understand the mother talking like this, after all her son had been injured and was now home, but as a nurse she knew that to be able to talk about the war and their experiences went a long way to healing the patient. It was those who kept everything inside who suffered the most and although James was very good at being hearty and happy, she remembered him in his sleep when he’d been having the dreadful nightmares. He was some way from recovery, mentally. This she would explain to his doctor when he came in the morning.

  They went into the dining room for dinner shortly after, but by the end of the meal James was flagging and for the first time his parents were able to see that he was not yet as recovered as first they had thought, and when Helen suggested he should retire, they agreed.

  When James reached his bedroom, he sat in an easy chair. ‘Stay and talk to me, Helen,’ he said.

  She pulled up another chair and sat beside him.

  ‘I’ll be here tomorrow, James, but then I’m going home to my parents. I want you to promise me you’ll take it easy. Please don’t try and do too much too soon, or you’ll undo all the good nursing and care you’ve received and I would not be pleased.’

  He grinned broadly. ‘So speaks the nurse.’

  ‘I’m serious, James! Richard worked hard for your recovery, it’s through his skill that you are on your feet. Don’t undo it all by being stupid.’

  ‘Ah, the brilliant Captain Carson. I know I owe him everything and your brilliant nursing, of course.’ He looked thoughtful. ‘Is there anything between you and the good surgeon, other than working together?’

  This took Helen by surprise. ‘Whatever do you mean?’

  ‘Mm, I’ve seen the way he looks at you sometimes and I know for sure he didn’t like having me turn up at Christmas. I wondered if I was stepping on his toes?’

  Helen quickly recovered. ‘We’ve worked together in the field for a year now and we’ve been through a lot. I don’t have to tell you what it’s like rushing from one place to another amidst gunfire. We have been a team, and through that I suppose you become close in many ways. You learn to lean on your partner.’

  ‘Are you in love with him?’

  She quickly denied it. ‘Good heavens, no. He’s married.’

  ‘Ah, I didn’t know that.’

  Helen wanted to stop this line of questioning.

  ‘Come along, now, it’s time for you to rest, so let’s get you into bed. I’ll get your medicine. Do you want me to find you a book to read or anything?’

  He yawned. ‘No thanks, I do feel tired, but tomorrow we go to the stables.’

  She smiled at him as she said, ‘Oh indeed. I can’t go home until I’ve met the famous Cleo. Here, take your medicine.’

  Helen eventually tucked James into bed and, leaning forward, kissed him.

  ‘It’s been lovely to bring you home and to meet your parents. I know you’ll be well looked after when I’m gone.’

  He grabbed hold of her hand and held it tightly. ‘If anything happened to you, darling Helen, I don’t know what I’d do. Strange, I was the one who wished you were safely back in England when I was out there, but it’s me that’s safe and you’re the one going back to the fighting.’

  She sat on the bed. ‘That’s not quite true. Yes, I’m going back to France, but I’m well away from the fighting so you’ve nothing to worry about. Now stop fretting and rest. I’ll have some breakfast sent into you in the morning. After, we’ll go to the stables.’

  When she was in her own room, she sat in the chair and took a deep breath. James had surprised her, questioning her relationship with Richard. He wasn’t a fool and had picked up on Richard’s possessive nature. It had been an uncomfortable moment, but thankfully she’d managed to talk her way out of it. Her leave had come at the right time, she thought. It would really break the thread that had held them together.

  Tomorrow, she’d have a word with the doctor, giving him the full picture of James’s recovery. She was relieved to be able to do so, then she’d feel better about leaving him.

  Tomorrow she would meet the infamous Cleo.

  Chapter Seven

  The following morning, Helen found the dining room and arranged for breakfast to be taken to James, then she sat and had hers, with Edward, who explained his wife always ate her breakfast in bed.

  ‘I’m pleased we’re alone, Helen, because I want you to be truthful about James and his state of health. I need to understand how I can be of help to my son.’

  This was a great relief to her. ‘James has had an operation on his liver to remove some shrapnel and several other pieces that were in his body, which fortunately missed his vital organs,’ she explained. ‘The surgeon doesn’t think this will be a problem unless some of his nerves or muscles were damaged in the process. He has to recover from the operation on his liver too and this will take some time. He must have plenty of bed rest, especially after our journey to get home, but the one thing that does worry me is his nightmares.’

  ‘Nightmares?’ Edward looked concerned.

  ‘Sadly, all of our patients have been through hell and have seen things we can only imagine. They are unforgettable and will stay with them for ever. Each man has his own way of coping, but many get flashbacks of such things – some in their dreams at night and this happens to your son.’

  ‘How long will he suffer this way?’

  ‘There’s no way of telling. When he wakes, he’s wet with perspiration and his body trembles until he calms down and realises he’s safe. If you should be there when it happens, just hold him, talk to him and comfort him when he wakes. I intend to give all this information to the doctor when he visits this morning.’

  Edward let out a deep sigh. ‘We had no idea, he looks so chipper.’

  ‘Well, you know your son, he wouldn’t want to worry you, but there is anoth
er thing you can do for him.’

  ‘Tell me, please.’

  ‘Let him talk to you about his war. I understand his mother wants to shut that away, but it would help James to talk about it to you – but only if he wants to. Don’t push him, just make him understand that he can.’

  Edward looked at her and said, ‘I can see you’re a fine nurse, Helen. I can’t thank you enough for the care you’ve given him.’

  ‘Well, he was my patient but also my friend. We met several months earlier when we were on leave. You can imagine the shock I had when he was brought into the surgery.’

  He frowned. ‘That couldn’t have been easy for you.’

  ‘No, it wasn’t.’

  They were interrupted at that moment by the arrival of the doctor. Edward introduced him to Helen, explaining who she was, and they sat together drinking coffee as Helen gave him all the information she had about James, explaining what medication had been prescribed and about his nightmares.

  Doctor Coombs was making notes as Helen spoke, but after hearing about the bad dreams he looked over at Edward.

  ‘Many of the poor devils returning from the battlefield suffer this way. There is no way of knowing how long it will continue or if indeed this condition will ever leave them. We usually get a psychiatrist in to see them but that’s all we can do. Right,’ he said getting to his feet, ‘let’s go and see the patient.’

  Watching the doctor as he spoke to James and examined him, noting that the long scar down the front of James’s torso where the operation on the liver had been done had healed well, Helen was impressed. Here was a man she could leave to look after James and feel that he was in safe hands. She stood back and waited until he’d finished.

  The doctor smiled at her as he closed his bag. ‘Thank you, Sister, you’ve been a great help. We’ll keep a sharp eye on your patient so there’s no need for you to fret.’

  ‘I can see that he’ll be well looked after,’ she said.