An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  ‘You look most elegant, my dear. I’m proud to be your escort.’

  She beamed at him. ‘Thank you, Clive, and I’m delighted you are here.’

  ‘Are you flirting with me, young lady?’ he asked, his eyes twinkling.

  ‘Would I do such a thing?’ she asked, feigning indignation.

  ‘I’m not sure, to be honest, you are full of devilment today. I’ve not seen this side of you before, but I must say I like it. How was the reunion, did it go well?’

  ‘It was interesting meeting Richard’s team. Especially his theatre sister.’

  There was something in the tone of her voice that made him question her.

  ‘Interesting in what way, may I ask?’

  She hesitated. ‘This Helen worked alongside my husband, closely, for a year. Medically her position was important and I hear she was more than efficient. They worked brilliantly together – or so I’m told.’

  He immediately understood. ‘You are wondering if she was more to him than that. Am I right?’

  ‘Yes, you are, and to be honest I’m still not convinced that they were not having an affair.’

  ‘If they were, how would you feel about it?’

  ‘Oh, I’m not broken-hearted if that’s what you mean. Just curious … and I suppose a bit peeved. After all, he wasn’t a free man, he was married.’

  ‘Do you believe he could be unfaithful to you?’

  She thought about it for a moment. ‘In this case, yes I do. She’s an attractive woman, they have so much in common with their work. They’d have been together constantly. It would have been so easy to get involved. Especially under wartime conditions, not knowing if you were going to die from a bomb, or enemy fire. You’d grasp at straws for comfort.’

  ‘So, what happens now?’

  ‘Absolutely nothing! She’s married, her husband is still suffering from his war. She and Richard are no longer involved. I’m still recognised as the wife of a brilliant surgeon and I have my own life to lead. Why should anything change?’

  Clive shook his head. ‘You are an amazing woman. If only we had met years ago instead of now. How different it all could have been.’

  ‘But we have met, Clive, my dear friend, and I for one am delighted that we have.’

  Frowning, he said, ‘Only last week you asked me not to make your life any more complicated, so what are you telling me now?’

  ‘To be honest, I’m not sure.’

  He chuckled softly. ‘I’m a patient man, Ann. When you’ve made up your mind, let me know. But be very sure of your decision, that’s all I’m saying. I’m in love with you, you know that, but I won’t be used as a pawn in your marriage just to pay back your husband.’

  ‘I wouldn’t do that to you,’ she declared.

  ‘Then we both understand each other.’

  After eating they walked through a nearby park, chatting about the charity and the things to be done for the next meeting. There was a small summerhouse in the grounds. It was inviting and it was empty. Clive led her inside.

  ‘Come here,’ he said and took her into his arms.

  Holding her close he kissed her tenderly and thoroughly, eventually releasing her.

  ‘I would never be unfaithful to you if you were mine, darling Ann.’

  Her head was spinning, her heart thumping. Never had Richard’s kisses thrilled her as those she’d just shared. She placed her hands either side of his face and she kissed him.

  Staring into his eyes, she said, ‘Oh dear, what are we to do?’

  ‘That will be entirely up to you, Ann. Choose wisely.’

  Chapter Twenty

  In the heart of the Cotswolds, Helen and James kept busy, working on the garden of the cottage, she tending to the shrubs and flower beds, he digging a vegetable patch. The rest of the time they spent at the stables or riding out, with Helen becoming even more proficient and enjoying it. James had set up some small jumps for her and was pleased with her growing confidence. To an outsider it would appear that they were a really happy couple, but she knew that although they still were close and in love, now there was this invisible wall between them, one she failed to penetrate, and since her return from London and his discovery of her affair, James had suffered with nightmares again.

  Edward, concerned for his son, had called in Doctor Coombs for a chat and it was decided to send James to a psychiatrist in London for a consultation.

  ‘It’s the only thing I can suggest,’ said the doctor. ‘It may not help, but I think we have to give it a try. But first we have to get James to agree to it. Let’s hope he does.’

  James, summoned to the manor house, walked into the drawing room and was surprised to see the doctor sitting with his father.

  ‘Hello, you two, what’s going on?’

  The doctor stood and shook James by the hand. ‘Sit down for a minute, old chap. We need to talk.’ He waited for his patient to be seated, then continued. ‘Your father has informed me that you’ve been having your nightmares more frequently and we would like you to visit a psychiatrist I know in Harley Street in the hope that he may be able to help you. Are you prepared to give it a try?’

  ‘Why not? Do you think he’ll be able to stop them?’

  ‘I won’t lie to you, my boy, I don’t know, but there’s only one way to find out. Would you like me to make an appointment?’

  ‘Yes, please do. Perhaps he can help me to be a real man again.’

  Edward rose to his feet. ‘What are you saying? You are still a real man and will always be one. You diminish yourself and I won’t have it! You are a casualty of war, as are many others, but every male who went over the top of those trenches will always be a real man, a hero, no matter how they are when they return home.’

  James stared at his father in surprise. He was deeply touched by his words and tried to smile, fighting the emotions it had evoked. ‘Alright, Dad, calm down. I’ll certainly go and see this chap.’

  ‘I’ll go now and give him a call, shall I?’ the doctor asked Edward.

  ‘Yes, use the phone in my study.’ When they were alone Edward said, ‘I have to go to London to the Stock Exchange, so if you like I’ll go up with you. We can stay in a nearby hotel for a couple of days, spend some time together. What do you think?’

  ‘I think you are terrific, Dad. That would be great. We can leave the women together for a change.’

  Doctor Coombs returned. ‘He has booked you in for next week, but he said he’d like at least two sessions to begin with.’

  ‘Good heavens,’ James remarked, ‘that’s quick.’

  The doctor grinned. ‘He owes me a couple of favours so I called them in. Normally you have to wait much longer. I’ll mail him your medical records today.’

  ‘You’d better go and let Helen know what’s happening, son. She’ll need some warning, and I’ll let your mother know too.’

  Helen was delighted when James gave her the news. She blamed herself for the bad nights and thought they had been brought on by James’s discovery about her and Richard and was at a loss as to which way to handle it, without again having to bring up the subject. Yet skirting around it wasn’t solving anything.

  ‘I think that’s a splendid idea, darling, and to spend time with your father is an added bonus. He thinks the world of you, as I’m sure you know.’

  ‘Oh, I’m well aware of that,’ he said, thinking of his father’s outburst.

  The following week, the two men boarded the train and sat in the first-class compartment on their way to London. They sat in comfortable silence reading the morning papers, exchanging remarks on the news, enjoying the journey.

  On their arrival, James went straight to Harley Street, leaving his father to take their cases and book into the hotel, where they would meet later.

  ‘Good luck, son,’ said Edward as they parted.

  It was with some trepidation that James entered the rooms of the psychiatrist and spoke to the receptionist. She checked his name and smiled, asking him to t
ake a seat.

  He did as he was asked and looked around the small but comfortable room. It was very calming with its white walls, soft chairs and a table with the latest magazines. Some aimed at the male patients, like The Field and Punch, and The Queen for the ladies.

  The door beside the reception desk opened and a gentleman walked out, smiled at the receptionist and left.

  ‘You may go in now, sir,’ James was told.

  Taking a deep breath, he rose from his seat and walked towards the door, knocked gently then walked in. A tall man stood up behind his desk and walked round it to greet his patient.

  ‘Good morning!’ He shook hands. ‘I’m Hugo Beresford. Please take a seat.’

  James studied the psychiatrist carefully. He put his age at about mid-to-late forties, dark hair, beginning to turn silver at the sides, generous mouth, and blue, penetrating eyes, well spoken, but with a softness to his voice that James felt was sympathetic. He liked him.

  James looked about him and with a grin said, ‘No couch?’

  Hugo laughed. ‘Over in the corner. You missed it.’

  Glancing over his shoulder James saw that he had. ‘So I did,’ he said and chuckled softly.

  ‘I’ve read your medical files,’ said Hugo. ‘My goodness, you caught quite a packet, didn’t you? I must say the surgeon, Richard Carson, has done a fine job on you. His notes are very detailed and meticulous.’

  ‘Oh yes, he’s a meticulous man in many ways.’

  The psychiatrist looked sharply at him and made a quick note on a pad in front of him. ‘Do you suffer any pain from your operations?’

  ‘I’m a bit sore sometimes, and I get the odd ache but nothing more. I’ve healed very well, considering.’

  ‘You’ve recently married, I see. Congratulations!’

  ‘Thank you. Helen, my wife, nursed me after my operation. She was Carson’s theatre sister.’

  ‘Oh, that’s how you met?’

  ‘No, we actually met when we were staying at the same hotel on leave somewhat earlier.’

  ‘Oh, I see. Now, James, let’s get down to business. Tell me about these nightmares – exactly what do you see?’

  Taking a deep breath, he began. It wasn’t easy for him, he wanted to give an honest account, but the images he was recalling were distressful and at one stage he couldn’t continue.

  ‘That’s alright, take a break, continue when you feel able.’ Hugo sat back and waited.

  Eventually James was able to finish, perspiration beading his forehead, his breath laboured.

  Hugo poured a glass of water for him and watched him drink it. ‘Right, we’ll leave it there until tomorrow.’

  James looked disappointed.

  Hugo immediately understood. ‘It takes time, young man, your condition didn’t happen in five minutes, it was over a long period and that’s not going to be solved just like that. You have to learn to be patient.’

  ‘Do you think you can help me?’

  ‘At this moment, it’s impossible to say. Patience!’ He stood up. ‘I’ll see you at the same time tomorrow.’

  Looking at his watch, James was surprised to see just how long he’d been talking.

  He shook hands with the man and left, then decided to walk to Regent’s Park, a short stroll away, where he found an empty bench and sat thinking about his meeting. It had been strange that the very man he and Helen hadn’t mentioned since her return from London had been at the forefront of his discussion with Hugo Beresford. He’d been forced to do so and it hadn’t been a pleasant experience. After all, he owed his life to his wife’s ex-lover!

  After walking round the park, he found a small restaurant and ate a light lunch, then made his way to the hotel, feeling suddenly weary. After checking in, he undressed to his underwear and lay on one of the single beds and fell asleep. This time his dreams were of a lighter vein. His mind took him back to when he and Helen rode on bicycles into the village in France when first they met and he had bought her a scarf. He remembered her delight.

  It was Edward who disturbed his son when he entered the bedroom late that afternoon. As James stirred his father apologised for waking him.

  Looking at his watch, James was surprised to see just how long he’d been asleep. He rose from the bed and dressed.

  ‘Let’s go and get a beer in the bar downstairs,’ Edward suggested, ‘and you can tell me about your day.’

  Once settled, James began. ‘Nice bloke, I liked him immediately. We chatted, then he asked me to tell him about the nightmares. It wasn’t easy but I did so and then he said come back tomorrow. So far, so nothing!’

  Edward looked amused. ‘You youngsters have yet to learn to be patient.’

  With a broad grin, James said, ‘That’s what Hugo said. How was your day?’

  The two of them sat chatting, catching up, exchanging ideas, laughing over shared memories of past days before the war. It was therapeutic for both men. They decided to take a walk and get some fresh air, then find somewhere to eat, which they did.

  As they entered their chosen restaurant, Edward noticed James looking round, taking in every detail of the room, the waiters, the diners, looking slightly anxious.

  ‘Are you happy to stay here, my boy? We can go elsewhere if you like?’

  ‘No. It’s alright, Dad. I’m just getting familiar with my surroundings, just looking for anything that might make a sudden noise. I don’t want to dive for cover again. I prepare for it all the time after my last experience. Don’t take any notice.’

  The waiter came over and took their order and James was able to relax.

  The following day he sat again in the waiting room without any expectations, other than curiosity, and when summoned entered the consulting room and sat down, wondering what came next.

  Hugo Beresford smiled at him. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Fine,’ and with a wry grin added, ‘trying to be patient!’

  ‘Good! You’re learning. I do have some news for you, but hear me out before you make a decision. I don’t think I am the one to help you, but I do believe I know the person who can.’

  This made James sit up in his seat. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. There’s a man in Devon, Arthur Hurst, who has a hospital that deals only with such cases as yours, and he’s been having great results. His approach to your condition is far from any other that’s been tried, with a fair amount of success, but it means you having to go and stay there for maybe as long as a month, or longer if he thinks it’s necessary. If anyone can help, in my opinion, he’s your best bet. I took the liberty of giving him a call and he has room for you if you would like to go and give him a try.’

  ‘Whatever does he do that’s so different?’

  ‘To be honest, I don’t know, only that I’ve heard of his success. What do you think?’

  ‘I think I need to try. I can’t go on living as I do, it’s not fair to my family and certainly not to my wife. But I need to go home first for a few days.’

  ‘Of course. You have to put your house in order, I understand. Here is his number and the address. Give him a call and make a date to start.’ He rose from his desk and held out his hand. ‘Good luck, James. I hope it works out for you.’

  As he walked back to his hotel, there was a lightness in his step. This was the first bit of good news he’d had about his condition. Before it had all been so negative and had filled him with despair. Now there was at least some hope. He packed his bag, left a message at the Stock Exchange for his father and caught the next train back to Cheltenham. As he sat in the carriage, he wondered how Helen would react to him having to leave her so soon after the wedding? The timing couldn’t have been any worse. But their future was at stake and he hoped she would understand that he felt he had to go – and soon.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  When James arrived back at the cottage and gave Helen his news, she was delighted. For the first time in ages, her husband had reverted to the man she first met. He was full of excitement and am
using, teasing her about the new man she may meet if the treatment was a success.

  ‘I know, darling, I’ve not been the easiest man to live with lately and I’m sorry.’

  ‘Now stop talking like that, James. None of this is your fault and you know that, and of course you must go. I’ll miss you, of course I will, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I suggest you call this man now and book in.’

  James gave her a quick hug and walked into the house, appearing a while later to tell her he’d be off in three days’ time. He needed a break to prepare himself mentally for whatever lay ahead and he wanted to spend some time with his bride before he left. He felt he owed her that much.

  With at least some hope for the future, James was relaxed and the three days was like a honeymoon all over again. The wall between them seemed to have vanished and they spent their time together, riding, eating quiet meals in the garden and making love.

  As he held her in his arms at night, he told Helen just how much he loved her and if, on his return, everything was alright, how great their lives were going to be.

  Although she was thrilled by his enthusiasm, she was also fearful. If the treatment failed, James would be devastated and she wondered then how would it affect him, but she kept such thoughts to herself.

  Three days later, James, packed and ready, caught a train to Newton Abbot in Devon. Now he was on his way, he was full of trepidation. What if the treatment didn’t work? But he decided that negativity was a wasted emotion and he would put such thoughts behind him. After all, Hugo Beresford wouldn’t have sent him to this place unless he felt there was some hope.

  Eventually James arrived at Seale Hayne Hospital by pony and trap, which had been sent to meet him at the station. He enjoyed the short journey through the Devon countryside, listening to the chatter of the man with the reins, talking about his horse.