Reflect Me

by K. B. Webb

  I fucking hated it when she talked about Colt. That was not something I needed to talk about out loud, because I spent every other second of every day thinking about him. About my fucking mistakes that took him from me. The last words he ever said to me played in my head on repeat constantly. “You just broke my heart, Birdie.” I didn’t deserve happiness, because I had taken Colt’s. I had broken his heart.

  “Wynee, I can’t keep having this conversation with you. I don’t care how many times everyone tries to convince me what happened to Colt wasn’t my fault, I will never believe it. I should have stopped him, but I didn’t and now I have to live with that. And on top of that, Ryan would have never joined the Army if I wouldn’t have fucked things up so badly. So yeah, maybe I have changed, but it’s because I don’t deserve to be the happy, carefree girl I used to be. I just can’t be that person anymore, and part of not being that person is staying with Brian. But I also stay for Lyric. You know I want her to grow up in a house with both parents because I never had that. She deserves that Wynee. So If I have to sacrifice my own happiness to give Lyric one she deserves, I’m fine with that.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, Molly. Lyric does not deserve this! She doesn’t deserve to grow up with a dad who disrespects her mom, constantly cheats on her, and hits her. That’s not right, Molly!”

  I was stunned into silence when she said that. I had never admitted to Wynee that Brian cheated or hit me, so how would she know!

  “How do you know?” I was embarrassed and instantly felt two-feet tall.

  “I’ve seen the bruises before, Molly, and I just know Brian well enough to realize the kind of woman-beating piece of shit he is. Justin knows too, and it has taken everything in him not to beat Brian’s ass. That’s why he’s been avoiding him. He says he just can’t be friends with someone like that.”

  That made sense. I had noticed that Justin and Brian didn’t spent a lot of time together lately. I thought it was because Brian was never home, and when he was, he was always popping pills and couldn’t hold a conversation. I knew Justin wasn’t a fan of drugs at all, so I just figured that’s what was causing the distance between them. I never could have imagined it was because Justin wanted to defend me. God love him. He was pushing away from his best friend of over twenty years because of me.

  “And I know about the cheating ‘cause he’s fucking Tiffany again. Justin caught them a few months ago.” She leaned away from our table like she was preparing for me to reach across it and bitch slap her, which I did think about for a second. I was pissed she hadn’t told me until now, but I knew why she didn’t. She was scared I would kick Tiffany’s ass, which she was right about, and that would make work hard for both of us. In her weird little Wynee way, she was trying to save me from more heartache.

  “Are you gonna hit me? ‘Cause I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I’m a shitty friend, Molls. I should have told you. I’m so sorry I didn’t. I just didn’t know what to say. You fucking hate her, and I was kind of scared of what you would do if you found out.”

  I sighed loudly, because even if I wanted to be pissed at her and yell at her, I couldn’t. Wynee always had my best interests at heart even if her plans were slightly flawed.

  “I’m not mad, Wynee. I know you did what was best. I’m not even mad at Brian. I know he fucks around and I really don’t care, but Tiffany. Really! Of all the girls, he had to choose her. Ugh! No wonder she has been such a snotty bitch to me lately. Can I please just kick her ass, Wynee, please?” I made my best puppy dog eyes and pouty-lip face I could. She started hysterically laughing at me and threw her napkin at my face.

  “No, Molly! Despite the fact I would love to see you bust her collagen-filled lips open, I can’t let you risk losing your job. Why don’t you kick Brian’s ass instead? That would be so much more fun for me to watch!” She was clapping her hands like a little girl who had just been told she was going to go to Disney World for the first time. Damn, she really did hate him a lot more than she let on. Obviously, her distaste for Brian was not something she tried to hide, but looking at her reaction, I could see that she honestly hated his guts and I was starting to think Justin did too. Come to think of it, Logan barely even hung around him anymore. When he came over, it was to see me and Lyric, never Brian.

  “I’m not going to kick his ass, Wynee. Like I said, I really don’t give a shit. He can do whatever he wants. As long as he keeps his hands off me, I’m good.” I instantly thought how hard it must be for Wynee to sit back and watch me fuck up my life, and for Justin to give up Brian for me. I hadn’t been fair to either of them. I was so caught up in making sure that what was going on between Brian and me stayed a secret, that I never thought about how it would affect my best friends.

  “Wynee, I’m sorry for all of this. I’m sorry you’ve had to hold in knowing that Brian hit me and about Tiffany. I’m sorry you and Justin got put in a position where you had to choose, but most of all, I’m sorry I’ve been such a shitty friend that I didn’t even notice you two knew what was going on. I’ve just been so caught up in keeping shit to myself that I never thought about how it would affect y’all. Can you ever forgive me?” I had tears in my eyes when I finished.

  I was never a big crier, but the idea of causing Wynee and Justin any kind of pain or stress broke my heart, especially Wynee. She was the only family I had left besides Lyric, and I hated myself for stressing her so much. When everything happened with Colt, she put her life on hold to make sure I was okay; even though losing Colt was hard on her too. They were basically brother and sister. Colt always complained that Wynee got on his nerves, and Wynee always said Colt was too protective, but they loved each other. Wynee never got to grieve Colt, because she was too busy taking care of me. Thinking about Colt made the tears come even faster, and before I knew it I was having a full-blown meltdown in a booth in Johnny’s Pizza during lunch hour. Great! Wynee rushed to my side, wrapped her arms around my now shaking body, and held me close while I cried for all the times I should have.

  “I’m so sorry, Wynee. I can be so damn selfish sometimes without even realizing it. I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you to have to deal with my bullshit for so long. And Colt. You never got to even cry about Colt because I was so selfish. I acted as if I was the only one who lost him, but I wasn’t. You lost him too. I’m so sorry, Wynee. I’m so sorry.”

  Now Wynee was crying too. We looked like the perfect pair, sitting in a booth, bawling our eyes out while strangers looked at us like we were crazy. Crazy best friends who were completely okay with having mental breakdowns in public; that was Wynee and me. “Sweetie, never ever apologize for stuff like that again. You have a lot on your plate, Molly, and you have for years. I’m your best friend; being here for you is what I’m supposed to do. It’s my job, and I love every second of it. I did grieve for Colt, Molly, more than you ever did. I still go see him once a week and talk to him about everything that’s going on. I talk to him about my life, but mainly about you. About what he would do if he were here now. He was always better at getting your stubborn ass to listen than I was. But please, please, Molls, don’t ever feel guilty for dealing with losing Colt the way you did. I never minded being there for you then, just like I don’t mind being there for you now. The only thing I wish you would do is visit him with me. I really think it would help you.”

  I finally had my tears under control and tried to wipe off the smeared eyeliner from my face. “I can’t visit him, Wynee. I can’t see him like that. It just hurts too badly, and after what he said to me the night he left, I don’t think he would ever want to see me again. Can we please just drop this now? I think we both have had enough emotional breakdowns for one day.”

  She laughed and started drying off her wet face with a napkin. “Yeah, we can drop it. If you promise to at least seriously think about going with me to see him. Just please think about it, Molly.”

  “Okay, I’ll think about it, but I’m not making any promises.”

&nb
sp; Wynee and I hadn’t talked anymore about Colt, Brian’s infidelity, or the abuse since that day. We just let it go. I did however give Justin a huge hug and told him thank you the next time I saw him. When he asked me what for, I could only reply with “everything.”

  Everything seemed to finally be going well for me, well that was until Brian had taken out whatever frustration he came home with on my ribs. He never even gave me a reason why he did it; he just started swinging the moment he walked in the door. I had seen him angry before, but lately, his eyes held something else, indifference, and that was scary to deal with. I had decided that I wasn’t going to tell anyone about Brian’s little episode. I figured if I let it go, he would get over whatever it was that had been bothering him.

  I was getting ready to go into work that next night just like I always did. It was a Wednesday so I knew we would draw in a decent crowd, but we wouldn’t be too terribly busy which was good because Logan had already texted me and told me he was bringing Lucas with him. They’d be there around nine, and I couldn’t wait.

  The last two months had been damn near perfect. Things with Molly were going better than I ever thought they would. She talked to me a lot about her mom and how their shitty relationship pushed her to be a good parent. I also talked to her about my dad and about how bad things had gotten right before he left. I told her about his abuse against me and Lucas, hoping she would open up to me about what was going on between her and Brian. Justin had told me on more than one occasion that he was convinced Brian was physical with her. He didn’t think he was anymore, but he knew he had been in the past. I was never one to jump to conclusions, so I never said a word to Brian or Molly about it, but I knew if she did come out and admit it one day, that all hell would break loose.

  The only strange thing that had been going on lately was Lucas. He was randomly gone for hours at a time and sometimes all night long with no explanation. Lucas had always been a bit of a man whore. Since he felt like he had to take care of mom and me, he never took the time to try and settle down with a girl. At twenty-six years old, he had never been with the same girl for more than a month, and he liked it that way. But lately, he seemed constantly distracted. When he was home, he was attached to his phone and edgy for no reason. It was not lost on me that he had started hanging out at Ricky’s a lot with Justin and I and around the exact time Dani started working there.

  Dani was a redhead with a fiery personality to match her hair. She was nice and always had a smart-ass comeback ready so she and Molly seemed to get along great. It was obvious that something was going on between Lucas and Dani, but every time I tried to question him about it, he brushed me off or said it was nothing. As badly as I wanted to fuck with him for actually having feelings for a girl for the first time, I could tell there was something serious going on with them so I figured it was best to let it be. Lucas knew he could talk to me about anything, so I knew when he was ready, he would come to me. Until then, I would let him tag along with me to Ricky’s and act like I didn’t see the death glare he shot any guy who got within two feet of Dani.

  I anticipated a great night at Ricky’s; I could just feel it. Wednesdays at Ricky’s were steady, but not so busy that Molly wouldn’t be able to spend extra time talking to me. Just like Molly had told me I would, I got a hefty dose of shit from her regulars and the guys who worked in the bar when I started coming around. They had asked me so much information that I was certain they had run a background check on me just to make sure I was who I said I was. I never took offense to it though; they were protecting Molly and that was something I could relate to. There was something about that girl that made every man she came in contact with want to make sure she was happy all the time, and break the legs of anyone who hurt her. With the exception of Brian, of course.

  As Lucas and I walked into Ricky’s, my good mood instantly shifted. There was something in the air that just made me feel on edge, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Molly saw us walk in but was in the middle of waiting on a table full of college-age guys. She waved and her mouth formed that perfect smile that made my knees buckle. She pointed behind me, and when I turned around I saw Wynee already bringing over three beers to a high-top table that Justin was already sitting at.

  Lucas and I walked over and sat down with Justin. I watched Molly float between her tables talking happily to every customer she had. Every guy in the room was watching her too. She honestly had no idea how much attention she really got. She looked even more beautiful than usual tonight in her Ricky’s t-shirt and dark skinny jeans tucked inside her favorite pair of black cowboy boots. Her hair was down and pin straight. Damn, she was always stunning, but something about her at that moment made her absolutely irresistible. It took everything in me to not walk up to her and pull her soft body against mine. I was so busy watching her that I never noticed Wynee had walked up next to me until she slapped the back of my head. “Easy killer, we wouldn’t want your eyes to pop out of your head onto my nice clean table.” Wynee, Justin, and Lucas all laughed. It was no secret to them that I had it bad for Molly. I think the only person who it was a secret to was Molly herself.

  “Come on, Wynee, give the guy a break. It’s obvious that he’s borderline obsessed with the girl; let’s not make it any worse.” Lucas elbowed my ribs and chuckled to himself.

  “Oh, Lucas, if you think Logan’s got it bad, you should see the way you watch Dani Girl behind that bar. I guess it runs in the Wade blood to pine over women who are oblivious to your advances.” Wynee smirked at him and winked at me, before giving Justin a kiss on the cheek and walked into the kitchen.

  “Ha! I told you it wasn’t just me that could see it, asshat! Now, will you admit you feel something for that girl already and get it over with?” Lucas keeping his feelings for Dani to himself was really starting to annoy me. I talked to him about Molly constantly, but he never talked about Dani. I was all about giving the boy some time to deal with whatever was going on between them, but he had to know that we all knew.

  Lucas huffed out a breath and looked across the bar at Dani. She was pouring some yuppie looking guy a drink and blatantly flirting with him. This wasn’t going to be good.

  “Tell me, baby brother, how I’m supposed to admit a damn thing when she is over there basically begging Mr. Money Bags to take her out back for a quickie? I do feel something for Dani though, pity. I feel pity for that girl that she thinks that every bozo with a hefty paycheck is going to make her pathetic fucking life better.”

  “Alright man, that’s enough. Dani’s good people. I don’t know what’s going on between y’all, but I can’t sit here and let you talk about her like that. You obviously know something about her that we don’t, and maybe you should keep whatever that is to yourself.” Justin never got mad at anyone. He was the most even keel guy I had ever met, but he was fiercely protective over his friends. It was not lost on me that he quit hanging out with Brian after he had told me his theories about Brian’s abuse against Molly.

  Lucas instantly looked guilty. “I’m sorry, man. This girl’s just got me all up in knots and I don’t know what to do about it. Maybe I should just head home for the night. I can’t sit here and drink, and watch her act like that. I’m going to end up doing something I seriously regret, like fuck up my already small chance with her. Can Molly give you a ride home, little brother?”

  “Well of course I can, Lucas, but why the hell are you leaving already?” Molly walked up and wrapped her arms around Lucas’ shoulder. I really liked the fact that they got along so well. Lucas had basically adopted Molly into our family. He kept telling me that if I didn’t introduce her to our mom soon, he was going to do it himself and get it over with. I wanted Molly to meet my mom, I just didn’t know if she was ready for a step like that.

  “Hey, Molls, I think I’m just tired from work. I’m gonna call it a night.”

  “For what it’s worth, Luc, she talks about you a lot. She’s just been through some things lately, and I don’t know
what they are, but whatever’s going on, she’s still trying to deal with it. Just give her some time; she’ll come around.”

  Molly knew exactly what to say to put a smile on Lucas’ face. He stood up and wrapped her in a bear hug lifting her feet off the ground before kissing her forehead affectionately. “Thanks, Molls. I needed that. I’m still gonna head home though. I’ll come back tomorrow, and I promise I’ll be in a better mood.”

  Lucas said his goodbyes and left a twenty on the table for Wynee. Right before he left, he walked up to the bar and whispered something in Dani’s ear. I don’t know what he said, but Dani’s mouth gaped open and Lucas walked out smirking to himself. What Dani didn’t realize was my brother was the inventor of head games, and if that’s what she wanted to play with him, she had another thing coming.

  “So how was work?” Molly took the stool Lucas had been sitting on and propped her elbows on the table, resting her face on her folded hands. She did this every night. She would ask me how my day was, even though I texted her throughout the whole thing. I loved it though. Lizzy had never showed any interest in my work, so Molly actually caring about how my day went was a positive change.