Beautiful World, Where Are You

by Sally Rooney

  In the kitchen, Alice was standing with Danielle, eating a slice of cake from a paper plate. Raking over the sponge with her fork, she said: It didn’t really rise, but it tastes alright. Closing the door behind him, Simon said it looked delicious. Felix is outside, he added. I think he wants to talk to you. Danielle laughed. Oh my God, she said. Is he drunk already? He’s always being deep and meaningful when he’s drunk. Helping himself to a slice of cake, Simon said: No, I don’t think he’s drinking. But he was getting a little deep and meaningful with me just now. Alice put her plate on the countertop. That sounds ominous, she said. I’ll be back in a bit. When she was gone, Danielle asked Simon what he did for a living, and he started telling her about Leinster House, making her laugh. However bad you think it is, he said, it’s worse. Eileen was in the living room looking through the Spotify account connected to the speakers, a man over her shoulder saying: Real tunes, please. Outside, Alice closed the back door behind her and said into the empty garden: Felix? He looked out from behind the garage. Hey, he said. I’m down here. With her arms folded she came down onto the grass. On the wall he had spread out a cigarette paper and was taking a pinch of tobacco from a small plastic pouch. You know why they’re in a weird mood? he said. The other pair. They hooked up last night, and then she turned around and said she just wanted to be friends. The drama in your house, it’s unreal. Alice was leaning against the wall, watching him roll the cigarette. Did Simon tell you that? she asked. He sealed the paper with the wet of his tongue and tapped it shut. Yeah, he said. Why, what did she tell you? Watching him light his cigarette, Alice answered: She just said it was a mistake. But she didn’t really go into details. I could see she was upset, I didn’t want to press her. Glancing down at her fingernails, she added: She says he’s impossible to talk to. She thinks he grew up in an emotionally repressive family, and he’s fucked up. He can’t say what he needs. Felix started laughing, coughing. Jesus, he said. That’s harsh. I wouldn’t have said he was fucked up. I like him. I actually tried it on with him a little bit while he was out here, and he started talking about how you’re his great friend and he looks up to you so much. He was tempted, though, I could tell. I was on the point of being like, relax, she’s cool with it. Alice was laughing then too. God, he’s such a lamb, she said. Do you think he has low self-esteem? Felix frowned and answered: No. He might be losing the will to live a bit. But low self-esteem, I don’t think so. And he’s not that much of a lamb either. He’s like yourself. His self-esteem is alright, he just fucking hates his life. Alice was smiling, brushing crumbs off the skirt of her dress. I don’t hate my life, she replied. Felix breathed out a cloud of smoke and dispersed it idly with his hand. You told me you did, he said. Last time we went outside for a cigarette together. Do you remember? Before we went to Rome. You were smoking yourself that time. She tucked her hair behind her ears, embarrassed. Oh yes, she said. Did I say I hated my life? Felix said he was pretty sure. Well, maybe I did then, she replied. But I don’t now. He said nothing, looking down at his hand as he smoked. Then he said: Here, look what happened me at work today. He held out the hand and showed her the deep horizontal wound running under the knuckle of his smallest finger. The cut itself was darker now, healing over, while the surrounding skin was red and inflamed. Wincing, Alice clutched her face. Felix moved his hand around, as if to examine the wound from different angles. I didn’t even notice it until it started bleeding everywhere, he said. He looked up at her, saw her face and added: Shit like that happens all the time in there, it didn’t hurt that much or anything. She took his hand without speaking and lifted it against her cheek. He gave an uncertain kind of laugh. Ah, you’re very soft, he said. It’s just a scrape, I shouldn’t have even showed it to you.

  Does it hurt now? she asked.

  No, not really. Washing my hands it stings a bit.

  It’s not fair, Alice said.

  You think everything is unfair.

  The back door behind them opened then, and Alice let Felix’s hand fall away from her cheek, though she still held it in hers. After a moment, another man came down onto the grass nearby. He was tall, with reddish fair hair, wearing a close-fitting patterned shirt. Seeing them, he started to laugh, and Felix said nothing.

  Am I interrupting something? said the man.

  Not to worry, Felix said. Didn’t know you were here.

  The man removed a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and began lighting one. This must be the new girlfriend, he said. Alice, isn’t it? They were just talking about you in there. Someone got up an article about you online.

  She looked at Felix, but he did not return her eye contact. Oh dear, she said.

  You have some big fans out there on the internet, the man added.

  Yes, I believe so, she replied. Also a lot of people who hate me and wish me ill.

  The man seemed to accept this neutrally. Didn’t see any of those, he said, but I suppose everyone has them. How’s things with you, Felix?

  Can’t complain.

  How’d you land yourself a famous girlfriend?

  Tinder, he said.

  The man exhaled a stream of smoke. Yeah? I’m on there all the time, never see anyone famous. Are you going to introduce us or what?

  Alice glanced uncertainly at Felix, who looked perfectly relaxed.

  Alice, that’s my brother there, he said. Damian. You don’t have to shake his hand or anything, you can just nod at him from a distance.

  She looked back over at the man with some surprise. Oh, it’s good to meet you, she said. You don’t look anything alike.

  He smiled back at her. I’ll take that as a compliment, he said. I heard you were in Rome together there a few weeks ago, is that right? You must have swept him off his feet, Alice. He wouldn’t usually be the type for romantic mini-breaks.

  Really he was just keeping me company on a work trip, she said.

  Damian seemed to find the whole exchange increasingly amusing. He went along to your book events and that, did he? he asked.

  Some of them, said Alice.

  Well, well. On top of everything else he must have learned to read since I last saw him.

  Ah no, Felix said. But why would I bother, she can tell me the good bits in person.

  Ignoring his brother, Damian looked Alice up and down with some curiosity. After another drag on his cigarette, he said: Mad few years you’ve had, isn’t it?

  I suppose so, she said.

  Yeah, I’ve a friend who’s a big fan of yours, actually. She was saying your film must be coming out soon, is that right?

  Politely, Alice replied: It’s not really my film, it’s just based on one of my books.

  Putting his hand on Alice’s back, Felix said: Here, you’re annoying her talking about that stuff. She doesn’t like it.

  Damian nodded, unfazed, smiling to himself. Does she not, he said. Addressing Alice then, he went on: He’s not being nice, you know. He seriously doesn’t have a fucking clue who you are. He’s never read a book in his life.

  She’s hardly stuck for meeting people who like reading, said Felix. Sure they never leave her alone.

  Damian took another drag on his cigarette. After a moment he said to Alice: Do you know he’s been avoiding me?

  Alice looked at Felix, who was gazing down at his feet, shaking his head.

  See, when our mam died, Damian went on, she left us both the house, yeah? Together. And we agreed we were going to sell it. Are you following me? You’re a smart lady, I’m sure you are. Anyway, I can’t sell it without his signature on all these documents. And in the last few weeks, he’s just disappeared. Won’t answer my calls, texts, nothing. What do you think that’s about?

  Alice said quietly that it was none of her business.

  You’d think he’d be happy to have a bit of money coming his way, Damian added. God knows he’s been short of it often enough.

  Anything else you want to rat on me about while you’re here? Felix asked.

  Ignoring him, Damian went on
thoughtfully: Tom Heffernan gave him an awful lot of money there at one stage. Auld lad who lives in town with his wife. Wonder why that was. What’s the connection, do you know?

  Felix was shaking his head again, flicking the end of his cigarette away into the grass, and in the dimming light of the eastern sky his face was flushed.

  Look, you seem like a nice girl, Damian remarked. Maybe a bit too nice, yeah? Don’t let him make a fool of you, that’s my advice.

  Coolly Alice answered: I wonder what makes you believe I could possibly want life advice from you.

  Felix started laughing at that, high wild laughter. Damian said nothing for a moment, smoking slowly. Then he said: You’ve got it all figured out, have you?

  Oh, I’d say I’m doing alright, she answered.

  In a conciliatory tone now, still grinning, Felix said: Here, Damian. I’ll come over tomorrow morning before work and do that for you. Okay? And you can leave off harassing me. Is that fair enough?

  Still looking at Alice, Damian answered: Fine. He dropped his cigarette in the grass. God help you both, he added. Turning around then, he went back inside. The door clicked shut behind him. Felix stepped out from behind the garage as if to check he was really gone, and then laced his fingers together and placed his hands on the back of his head. She watched him.

  Yeah, he said. Damian. We hate each other, by the way, I don’t know if I said that to you before.

  You didn’t.

  Ah, right. Sorry.

  Felix dropped his hands from his head and held them loosely at his side, still looking at the door through which his brother had exited. It was a wooden door with yellow glass panes inset.

  We were never great buddies, he added. But the whole thing with Mam getting sick, yeah. I really won’t get into it because I’ll be here all night giving you the details. But anyway, me and him have not been getting on the best in the last few years. If I knew we were going to run into him I would have given you more background.

  Still she said nothing. He turned around to look at her, his expression agitated now or unhappy.

  I can read, by the way, he said. I don’t know why he went down that line of saying I’m illiterate and all that. I’m not great at reading, but I can read. And I don’t think you really care anyway.

  Of course I don’t.

  Yeah, he was always better than me in school so I suppose he likes to bring it up in front of people. He’s one of these lads who has to put other people down so he can feel like the big man. Mam used to criticise him on that and he didn’t like it. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Stupid thing is, he actually annoys me. I mean I’m annoyed now.

  I’m sorry.

  He looked back at her again. Not your fault, he said. You were good. I could have watched you and him have it out for a while, that side was funny to me. That’s the thing about you being so intimidating, it’s enjoyable when you do it to other people.

  She dropped her gaze to the ground and said softly: I don’t enjoy it.

  Do you not? A small bit, you must.

  No, I don’t.

  Why do you do it, then? he asked.

  Intimidate people? she said. I don’t intend to.

  He frowned. But you know the way you act, he said. Putting the fear of God into people. You know what I’m talking about. I’m not having a go at you.

  You may find it hard to believe this, she said, but when I meet people, I actually try to be nice.

  He let out a yelp of laughter and in response Alice gave a sigh, leaning against the wall, covering her eyes.

  Is the idea so amusing? she said.

  If you’re trying to be nice, why do you make cutting remarks all the time?

  I don’t all the time.

  No, but you come out with them when it suits you, he said. I’m not saying you’re a nasty person or anything. Just that people wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of you.

  Sharply she replied: Yes, you’ve made that point.

  He raised his eyebrows, and for a few seconds was silent. Finally he said mildly: Jesus, I’m getting attacked on all sides this evening. She bowed her head, as if despondent or tired, but made no reply. You’re not the easiest person to get along with, he added, but you know that yourself.

  Felix, is it too much to ask that you might stop criticising my personality? she asked. I don’t want you to flatter me. You really don’t have to say anything about me at all. I just don’t find the negative feedback useful.

  He watched her uncertainly for a few seconds. Alright, he said. I’m not trying to upset you.

  She said nothing. Her silence seemed to bother him, and he put his hands in his pockets before taking them out again.

  Yeah, it’s like Damian was saying, he said. You think I don’t appreciate you. Fair enough, maybe I don’t.

  Still she said nothing, and stared down at her feet. He looked restless, irritable, anxious.