by Kay Maree
“Yes because once again you only thought about yourself and not what she wants right now!” I rubbed my hands over my face. I made a face at Raven.
“I know! Fuck! How many times do you want me to apologize?! Fuck!”
“Are you serious right now, Freddie? Do not get pissed at her or us because you pushed before she was ready. I don’t know what went through your head right then...” I opened my mouth to speak but he held a hand up to stop me. “Other than wanting to speak face-to-face. I get it, you want to make things right, but you are just showing her that you haven’t changed and that you are still just thinking about yourself. We can’t help you until you start helping yourself. I am begging you, leave her alone. The more caged in and pressured she feels, the more she is going to push back or run away.” I nodded and didn’t argue. I wasn’t thinking about her, I was thinking about me and what I wanted and needed.
“I guess part of me just doesn’t want her to forget about me and move on.”
“Bro, she could never forget about you. If she decides to move on though, you need to let her go.” I took a deep breath. Could I though? When all was said and done and she decided to move on, could I just let her walk away from us? I guess I had no other choice. I had thrown us away. It was up to her now. Resting his hand on my shoulder as he wrapped an arm around me and led me inside.
“Come on, let’s go spar for a bit. Take your frustrations out.”
“Sure you can keep up old man?”
“Shut up and get your arse in the ring, Asshole!” With one last look over my shoulder at the workshop door, I disappeared inside to hopefully have Raven beat some sense into me.
Sitting down on the bench, I wiped the towel over my face and neck as I took a drink from my water bottle. Raven had disappeared into his office. When I heard the door open, I looked over and he was coming back with something in his hand.
“This wouldn’t be happening without you. Hailee and I wanted to give you this.” He handed me an envelope and I took it from him. Opening it up, I saw that it was an invitation to their wedding.
“Oh wow! Are you sure?”
“We are. As I said, if it wasn’t for you, this may not be happening. You helped to make sure my sister could be a part of it. Not to mention Hailee’s bridesmaid. It’s only right that you be there too. Only if you want to, of course.”
“I’ll be there! I would be honored.”
“Don’t worry about a suit. It’s not that formal.”
“Noted, thanks, Boss. Thank Hailee too for me yeah?”
“I will.” I looked down at the invitation in my hand. It was a small gesture from both of their parts but it spoke volumes. He clasped his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. “No matter what, Freddie, you will always be a brother to me. You stuck by me through all the bad shit and a large part of me, I owe to all of you for getting me to where I am today. It would be so easy to let our pasts pave the way for our futures, but you all helped me break that streak. You got me to her. I know it may not seem like it now but you have to have a little faith. Let the cards fall where they are meant to. I see the two of you. It’s not over yet.”
“Thanks, boss. As much as I don’t want to, I need to let her go before she will come back to me.”
“So I finally beat some sense into you then! Have we not been saying that?” I nodded.
“Yep. I just wasn’t ready to hear it yet.”
“That’s understandable. Until we are ready to accept something, we won’t.” He gave my shoulder another squeeze before excusing himself. I needed to go and shower, maybe take a ride. Anything to keep my mind of letting go of the woman I love after fighting so long to keep that hold. It got me through so many dark nights and hard times. Now what do I do? Just breathe. This will all be okay.
CHAPTER NINE
Diesel
Four Months Later
It had been four months since Freddie had come back and after the initial interaction, he had done as I had asked and kept his distance, and stayed well away from me. I knew it couldn’t be easy for him but he respected what I needed. With time though, it brought me the clarity that I was looking for. The club girls had been throwing themselves at him since he had come back to town, but he always turned them down. He still wasn’t drinking or any of the other shit he had been doing so he was well and truly back as the Freddie that I had fallen in love with. So after four months, I had decided to cut him some slack. I was in my workshop, having a conversation with Ellie about her car when he walked in. I had to do repairs on his bike for him, which was brought to me by Cameron but he had to come and collect it because Cam was out of town with Hailee.
“Sorry, you’re busy. I can come back.”
“Freddie, wait!” He turned back to me. I met his eyes for a brief moment, enough to send my heart racing, before reaching behind Ellie and grabbing his key. I crossed the workshop and held it out to him. “It’s ready to go. If you have any problems though, bring it back and I will take another look at it. It should be a smooth ride though.”
“Thanks, Diesel, what do I owe you?” I swallowed when he used my road name again. I still wasn’t used to him calling me that but he was keeping it professional and it killed me to hear.
“Nothing. This one’s on the house.” He took the key from me and his fingers brushed my hand. With a small smile, he was gone and I was left alone with Ellie.
“He isn’t a bad guy you know.” The sound of her voice pulled me back to reality.
“I’m quite aware of that, Ellie.”
“So why are you treating him like he is?”
“Why does everyone see me as the one punishing him? He fucking destroyed me when we lost him. He went back to trying to get you while I was at home waiting for him. I loved him and he took that and fucked it up! So I needed a bit to deal with the fact that I still loved him and to try and get that trust back. Something I can’t do when he is near because every rational thought I have just disappears out of my head!” Her head turned to the side as she studied me.
“There’s more though.” I let out a small sigh and nodded.
“Seeing him again, I feel guilty.”
“Why?”
“Because I should have seen there was a problem. The drugs and the alcohol making him spiral out of control like he did. I should have seen it coming and gotten him help before someone else got hurt. He never would have come for you and he and I would still be okay.”
“Ruby, if we are playing that game, he was one of our best friends. I should have seen it. The guys should have seen it being around him every day, but it was all on Freddie. He hid it damn well because he didn’t want anyone to see it. He’s back now and better. He has been doing really well. You can see something is missing though.” I nodded again at her words. I watched him and he was back to his old self. Smiling and laughing with the boys. He wasn’t his old self completely. “I went and saw him while he was in rehab. JD still doesn’t know and Freddie promised me that he would take it to his grave but while I was there, he told me that he was sorry for what he put me through which is why it was so easy for me to forgive him when he came back, but that was nothing on how he felt about what he did to you. He told me that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to you if that was what it was going to take, but you are it for him. If you don’t feel the same Ruby, you need to cut him loose so that he can move on. You have both been through enough. It’s time to stop running from the issue. Cameron and the guys might be okay with staying quiet but he is still one of my friends and I can’t watch this any longer.”
“If you want to bring your car in tomorrow, I can fit it in. Otherwise I can do it next week for you.” I needed the subject change. Badly.
“Thanks, Ruby, I appreciate that.” I walked her out and looked over to where I had Freddie’s bike parked. It was still there which meant he hadn’t left yet. Just as I went to walk toward the clubhouse, he came out. He looked up and saw me standing ther
e.
“Diesel, you okay?” Shaking my head. Ellie’s words had hit hard and I knew, she was right.
“Not really, no. Are you going somewhere?” I motioned to his bike.
“I was but it was just a ride. You want to talk about it?”
“Can you meet me at the Coffee Spot in about twenty minutes?”
“Sure.” He stepped past me and moved over to his bike. Going back inside my workshop, I went into the change room I had in there and got out of my overalls. I really wanted to go home and shower first but I didn’t want to lose my nerve. Pulling my long red hair into a ponytail, I sprayed some deodorant and followed it up with some perfume. Grabbing my phone and keys, I went out to my car after locking up the workshop and headed to the Coffee Spot. Freddie and I used to come here a lot when we were first dating so I was hoping it would be a good place to start over. I pulled into a spot and got out of the car. Locking it behind me, I headed inside and saw Freddie sitting down already. Sliding into the booth across from him, I gave him a smile. “I ordered already.”
“Thank you.” We sat there in silence while I tried to gather my thoughts into something that resembled a coherent sentence and not the jumbled mess in my head.
“I’m not ready to be just another one of your mistakes.” I blinked at his words. “If you brought me here to say that there is no chance for us, I don’t want to hear it. Don’t give up on me Ruby because I sure as hell am not.”
“That’s not what I brought you here to say. The opposite actually. I’m just having a little trouble with words unlike someone.”
“I’ve never known you to have trouble with speaking your mind.” He flashed me a grin, one that I wanted to hit him for because it made me relax a little.
“Yeah well my mind is a special place.”
“Don’t I know it.” I kicked him softly under the table. He laughed and shook his head. “Okay start at the beginning. What made you want to talk.”
“I’ve been watching you.” He raised a brow. “In a non-creepy way.”
“Noted, go on.” His lips twitched as he fought to keep from smiling.
“I have been watching you with the guys and while you are back to your old self, I can tell that something is missing and I know what that something is because it’s the same thing I am missing. I don’t like having this distance between us, even though I have asked for it. I have just been feeling really guilty though. I can pretend to go on hating you, but it wasn’t until I was talking to Ellie today that I was finally able to admit the real reason that I couldn’t be around you.”
“What is the real reason?”
“I should have seen something was wrong before it got as bad as it did. I should have reached out to Cameron or Thomas but I didn’t. I didn’t see that you needed help. I have spent all this time pretending to hate you for hurting me when I was really hating myself for not being there when you needed me. I was dealt a hard truth today though and it made me see that I had to stop holding on to what happened and focus on what I want. The last four months has let me see things clearly and Ellie today gave me that final push.” I watched Freddie’s face as Jess set our coffee’s down.
“Go on.” His voice was husky as he spoke.
“I miss you. I want us again. I’ll never forgive myself for turning away when you needed me but I promise to try and make up for it.”
“You have nothing to make up for. I put you in a difficult situation and when I came home, I made it worse by always being in your face. I was selfish and that was something I had to work on. Being sober and drug free was easy for me. Being without you was worse than any of that. Make no mistake though, babe, I was coming for you sooner or later.” He placed his hand next to mine on the table in front of us and ran his thumb along my skin.
“I do have one small request though?”
“What is it?”
“I don’t want to lose you again so can we take this slowly? I don’t want us to go from zero to a hundred in seconds.” He nodded.
“Whatever you need, beautiful. As long as it’s just you and me. I have one question though.”
“Which is?”
“A couple of months ago, you were having dinner with someone. Who was that?” I thought back. The only person I had gone out with in the last few months was my brother. Oh shit.
“Oh! I just remembered. You have never seen a photo of my family! I haven’t really spoken about them much either have I?” He shook his head. “That was one of my brothers, Oscar. He and his racing team were in town for a few days and begged me to have dinner with him. Not wanting to rub your nose in it, I asked could we meet in Vegas but he insisted on coming here. Think that might have been Dad making him though.” I took a deep breath. “I ran home to Nashville when you came back. Dad would never drop in on me out of the blue so he would have the three boys do it if he was worried. It was two birds with one stone when Oscar came through.”
“Okay, so I have another question for you. How am I not dead yet?” He laughed and I couldn’t help but grin.
“You are only safe because I don’t think Dad told them the reason I came home. Not to say you won’t be if it happens again though so we may want to hold off on meeting the family for a little while.”
“Good idea.” He picked up his coffee with his free hand and took a drink from it. Stirring my iced coffee with a straw, I took a sip to test the taste before taking a longer drink from it. We made some small talk about the workshop and how things were going and I asked him how he was doing with being home. I was the last one that he had to make amends with so now that his slate was clean so to speak, he could now leave the past where it was and focus on his recovery.
CHAPTER TEN
Freddie
As we sat and drank our coffee’s, I couldn’t help but feel relaxed. I was happy to take things as slow as she wanted. I was also a little relieved to find out that it was her brother that I had seen her having dinner with and not some potential new love interest. I had been preparing myself for the worst when Ruby first told me that she wanted to meet me at the Coffee Spot. This was our place though and every time we had been here, had only been through good times. Our first date had been here after all.
“Are you busy tonight?” I asked setting down my now empty coffee mug.
“No plans that I remember. Why’s that?”
“Want to do dinner and a movie?”
“Sure! Rather than going out though, did you want to come over to my place? You can pick something up on your way over.”
“Are you sure?” She nodded and squeezed my hand. I had to make sure even though I knew she never did anything she didn’t want to do. “Okay, I will see you around seven then?”
“It’s a date.” She finished off her iced coffee and we got up out of the booth. Resting my hand on her back, I leant in and pressed my lips to her head. Walking her out of the Coffee Spot, Ruby took her keys and unlocked her car door. I opened the door for her and waited until she slid into the driver’s side before closing the door again. I stepped back as she started up her car and with a wave, she pulled out of the parking spot. Waiting until she had disappeared, I got on my bike and headed to my place. I would call into our favorite Chinese restaurant in town to get dinner. A couple of hours later, I was pulling into Ruby’s driveway, the smell of dinner filling the cab of my truck and making me hungry. Taking the food and getting out, I locked it behind me and walked up to Ruby’s front door. Knocking on the door, I heard her voice as she got closer to the door. When she opened the door, I went to say hello, but was cut off when I saw tears streaming down her face. Before I could talk, she was walking away from me and putting her phone into her pocket.
“Ruby, what’s happened? Are you okay?” I sat the food on the entry table and followed her into her bedroom. I watched as she pulled a suitcase out of her closet and dropped it on the bed, opening it up. She wiped away some tears before moving to her closet and started taking out clothes a
nd throwing them into her suitcase.
“No, I have to go home. My brother called and something happened to my dad.”
“Did he say how bad?” She shook her head.
“No, he didn’t tell me anything. Just said that dad was being rushed to the hospital and that he would call me with an update once he knew more. I hung up on him when he started to tell me not to come before they had news.” I could see she was on the verge of losing it again. I walked over to her and pulled her into my arms.
“Just breathe, baby, he’ll be okay.” She wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my chest, her hands gripping the back of my shirt, bunching in her clenched fists.
“How do you know that?”
“Because if he is anything like you, he is stubborn as fuck and not ready to let go yet. Come on, let’s get you packed and I will find you the first flight out. I’ll also give Raven a call and let him know you need to go out of town for a bit.” She nodded but didn’t move so I just held her against me. If she wanted to stay there, I wasn’t about to argue.
“Will you come with me?”
“Are you sure about that?” She pulled her head back and looked up at me, her tear filled eyes breaking my heart.
“Please, I don’t think I can do this alone. Whatever happens...” I dropped my head and pressed my lips against her forehead.
“I’ll come if that’s what you really want.” She laid her head back against my chest. I couldn’t say no to her. I know we had discussed taking things slow but this was different. This wasn’t something she should face alone. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and hit the green phone. Pressing my thumb against Raven’s number, I put it up to my ear as I waited for him to pick up.
“Freddie, you good?” Fuck. I just remembered where he was.
“Yeah, bud, all good. Just forgot where you were for a second. I will give Chaos a call.”
“I’m on the phone now, you may as well tell me. We are heading back tomorrow anyway so you would have to talk to me then.”