by Laura Landon
He placed his hands on either side of his plate. “Liddy again. Remind me to throttle her the next time I see her.”
“Austin was a captain in Her Majesty’s army,” Lord Etherington interjected. “He and Gabe fought in the Crimea. After the war, Austin went to France. He was imprisoned while he was there, and—“
“That’s enough, Harrison.”
Austin’s voice held a harshness she’d only heard a few times. Now that she remembered, those times were always when they talked about the reasons she should give Jonathan over to Penderly.
Sarah shifted her gaze to Austin’s brother. “How did he get free?”
“Our brother-in-law, Major Talbot, and our sister, Liddy, went to France and freed him.”
“How?”
“The details aren’t important,” Austin interrupted. “They foolishly risked their lives when they should have left me there. I would have escaped somehow.”
“Not according to Gabe and Liddy. Thankfully, they found you and brought you home alive.”
“You wouldn’t say that if Gabe’s plan had failed, if Liddy hadn’t survived.”
“But she did, and I have my whole family with me.” Etherington lifted his wine glass to his mouth and took a drink. “I pray the day comes when you realize how much I appreciate what Gabe and Liddy did and how important you are to us.” He set his glass back on the table with an eyebrow raised toward his brother.
“I’ll have to make sure that no one ever has to take such risks for me again,” Austin said, then rose. “Are you finished, Miss Bentley?”
Sarah lifted her gaze and recognized a hint of desperation in his eyes. He needed to escape. “Yes, I’m finished.” She thanked Austin’s brother for the excellent dinner, then bid him a good night.
Austin extended his arm and she took it. “Would you care to take a stroll outside before you retire?” he asked.
“That would be lovely,” she answered.
“Very well, but only if you promise you won’t ask about the war.”
“It is that painful?”
“It’s simply a subject I don’t enjoy talking about.”
“Very well. We’ll only talk of pleasant subjects.”
Something that resembled a smile changed the shape of his mouth. He placed his hand over hers at the crook of his elbow and escorted her out of the room and to the veranda.
The evening was beautiful. A full moon lighted the way, a gentle breeze blew from the east carrying the scent of roses and lilacs with it, and flickering lamplight spilled out from the room inside the double, multi-paned doors. Sarah had never been anywhere more enchanting.
“This is a beautiful home,” she whispered, looking out into the gardens beyond. She wanted to see them in the daylight. Perhaps she’d ask him to show them to her tomorrow or the next day—if she stayed here that long.
As if he realized how interested she was in the gardens, he took her arm and led her down three steps and along the path.
“Did you have a happy childhood here?” she asked when they’d gone a little way. She suddenly wanted to know as much as she could about him. Wanted to take with her ever memory she could for the long empty nights when she was away from him.
He smiled. “Yes, very. Until my mother died and father spent every pound his predecessors had saved. We nearly lost everything.”
“Is that why Lord Etherington works so hard to make the estate and businesses profitable?”
He nodded. “Hopefully, some day Harrison will realize that adding huge amounts to the Etherington coffers isn’t that important.”
“And you?”
His gait slowed.
She shouldn’t pry, but there were so many things about him she wanted to know. “Other than what Lord Etherington said he hoped you would one day realize, what would people say they hoped you would some day know?”
They reached a division in the walk and he took the path to her right. “Has anyone ever told you that your thoughts might some day get you into trouble?”
“My thoughts, Captain Landwell? Or the fact that I have thoughts?”
“I would wager that at times you were a trial to your father.”
“That is a bet you would easily win. Father forever tried to understand how I could possibly be so different from Mother. She was quiet and submissive—the perfect vicar’s wife.”
“What was your answer?”
“I told him the fault was his, of course.”
His laughter echoed in the darkness. “What did he say to that?”
“He wanted to know how I came to that conclusion. So, I explained that he should have encouraged me to help Mother more with the housework and cooking and mending instead of keeping me with him. He took extreme pleasure in educating me, in encouraging me to have a mind of my own, and demanding that I use it.”
“And for that he lived to rue the day.”
She halted on the walk and he stopped with her. “Do you think he made such an error?” she asked.
“Not at all. I’m extremely thankful he was progressive in his thinking. Jonathan would more than likely not be alive without the courage and independence your father instilled in you.”
A lump formed in her throat. “Thank you. Growing up, I always felt different from other girls my age. Knowledge wasn’t important to them. Marriage and babies and homes and husbands were all that mattered.”
He was facing her now. Their gazes locked for several long moments, then he lifted his hand and brushed the back of his fingers down her cheek. She thought perhaps he might kiss her, and hoped he would, but he turned and they continued their walk.
He kept her closer to him than before, held her more securely. The connection between them seemed stronger somehow, more firmly clasped. She felt as one with him. For the first time in her life she felt comfortable with someone, as if she belonged to him. As if she belonged with him. As if he understood her even though no one else ever had.
They walked a little farther in companionable conversation. They shared stories from their youth, their favorite foods, the special things they did to relax. They talked about everything that was important to them. But they didn’t mention Jonathan or the Earl of Penderly, and they didn’t talk about the war.
They reached the end of the walk sooner than Sarah wanted and turned around. When they reached the veranda again, Austin escorted her to a shadowed corner. “Thank you,” he said. “I had a wonderful evening.”
“So did I,” she answered.
Sarah’s gaze caught his and held it. A riot of emotion washed over her. For several long, magnificent moments they stood in the shadows, absorbing everything about the other. Then, he stepped closer to her.
He lowered his head and her breathing altered. She wished he wasn’t so close to her, and at the same time wished he’d step closer.
Without speaking, he placed his finger beneath her chin and lifted her face. When she looked up, he brought his mouth down to hers. The feel of his lips against hers sent an ache of desire tumbling through her. The profusion of sensations was new to her, foreign to anything she’d felt before. There was something magical in the way he made her feel.
She leaned into him because she didn’t want there to be any space separating them. The moment she moved, his arms twined around her and he gathered her closer. His mouth opened atop hers, his tongue demanding admittance.
She opened for him as she had the first time he’d kissed her, but this time was different. Blood rushed through her head, pounding against her ears, thundering with the steady thrumming of a hundred wings. Her chest filled with a need that consumed her. Her fingers tingled with longing while a maelstrom of converging desires plummeted within her.
She needed this connection to him, craved the emotions that rushed through her. Never had she imagined that another human’s touch could ignite such feverish desire, such raw passion.
He deepened his kiss, and a barrage of raw, erotic sensations flared inside her. Her legs weakened beneath
her and her fingers grasped his shoulders, somehow needing to touch him as deeply and as fervently as he gripped her.
Their ragged breaths whispered in the silence, the sound of their passion jagged and filled with desperation. He seemed to be a part of her. It was as if she needed him in order to breathe, needed him in order to exist.
And then he pulled his lips from hers, roughly, unexpectedly, as if he’d found what they shared unpleasant. Even though he didn’t say the words, she sensed regret in the moan that shattered the nighttime calm.
Her body still yearned for him, and she reeled with shock that she was so weak where he was concerned. She hated that she was so desperate to have what they’d just shared, what he found so distasteful. And she was suddenly angry—with herself. With him.
A painful ache clawed inside her chest where her heart beat. She’d dreamed of an experience just like tonight’s had been. Dinner with charming company, a stroll in the garden, passionate kisses in a lover’s arms. She’d wanted a memory exactly like what he’d given her to hold on to, to cherish. To store away in a secret place where she could bring it out when she needed to remember that someone magnificently handsome had made her feel special. But now the wanting of it seemed so petty as she stood there, radiating with the very fire of it. And he’d ruined it. He’d spoiled this one memory of being wanted, with his humiliating regret.
She turned her head and hoped he couldn’t see the expression on her face. “I should go inside.” She needed to be away from him before she said something she couldn’t take back.
“Don’t leave yet, Sarah. I need to explain. I need to apologize.”
She lifted her chin. “Apologize?”
“Yes. I had no right to kiss you like I did.”
She stepped back. “Would you like me to feel guilty as well, for what just happened?”
He looked surprised. “No, you have nothing to feel guilty about.”
“I do if you feel the need to apologize. That means you did something you regret, something you consider was wrong.”
“Not wrong. Just beyond what I had the right to do.”
She steadied her gaze on the guilt she saw in his eyes and her anger built until her spine prickled with it. “Have you ever kissed a woman before?”
His loud bark of laughter surprised her. “Yes, Miss Bentley. I’ve kissed a woman before. Several, in fact.”
“Did you apologize to each of them after you kissed them?”
His smile faded. “No.”
“But you feel you must apologize to me?” Her heart thundered in her chest. “Is it because of my age? Because I am nearing thirty years?”
“What?”
“Did kissing someone so…old repulse you?”
“Did it seem like I was repulsed when I kissed you?”
Sarah’s cheeks warmed and she lowered her gaze. She’d never had such a discussion with a man before.
“I wasn’t repulsed, Sarah. Far from it.”
“Then why do you feel the need to apologize?”
“Because I seem to forget myself when I am with you.”
“Is that bad?”
He laughed. The sound was deep and rich, and it sent warm wave after wave seeping through her body.
“No, it’s not bad. It’s…” He brushed his fingers down her cheek. “…special.”
She brought her hand to her mouth to stifle the cry that wanted to escape. The kiss they’d shared had been special to him, too.
The flowers and bushes in the garden swam before her and she quickly blinked back the tears. Her heart leapt in her breast when he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him.
Sarah pressed her cheek against his chest and listened to the solid beating of his heart. She knew it would take days to sort through the emotions raging inside her. Perhaps years. But one thing was already clear. His nearness was just part of what she craved. As if a bolt of lightning struck her, she realized what she hadn’t been brave enough to face before—that she didn’t want to live a life that didn’t include Austin in it.
“Sarah, we need to discuss what’s going to happen tomorrow.”
A painful pressure settled against her chest. She was about to take the biggest gamble of her life. There was still time. She had until tomorrow. After that, it would be too late.
She stepped out of Austin’s arms and looked at him. “Why does anything have to happen tomorrow? You can meet with Penderly alone. I don’t have to be there. You can tell him you found Collette Flemming and she’s dead. You can tell him where she’s buried, and that will be the end of it. He doesn’t need to know more. He doesn’t need to know—”
He clasped his hands around her upper arms and held her in front of him. “Sarah, don’t,” he whispered in a voice that contained a warning tone. “Isn’t it enough that I promised I’d let you make the final decision as to whether Penderly was a threat to Jonathan or not?”
Unbridled fear erupted inside her. She was desperate to avoid a meeting with the earl. What if she realized he wasn’t responsible for the attempts on Jonathan’s life? She’d lose him. She’d be forced to give him up.
And yet, could she live with the guilt of knowing she’d deprived Jonathan of a title that was rightfully his, deprived him of being a part of a family that would love and cherish him?
She knew she couldn’t.
“What are your plans for tomorrow?”
Austin pulled her against him in a gentle hug as he led her to the nearest bench and they sat.
“I’ll send a message to Lord Penderly in the morning, requesting that he call on us tomorrow afternoon. I’ll invite him to come here so you can hear what he has to say. I want you to look into his eyes when he speaks. You can tell a lot by watching a person when they talk to you.”
“What are you going to tell him?”
“I’m going to tell him everything you told me. I’ll explain that his son and Collette Flemming married and for their short time together were very happy. I’ll tell him that Collette died from a broken heart when her husband died. And, I’ll introduce him to you so he can ask you any questions about his son’s last days.”
“Is that necessary?”
“The man has lost both his children. He deserves to know as much about their lives as you can tell him.”
“Including the fact that he has a grandson?”
“That will be up to you.”
He turned so he faced her. He was near enough that he could look into her eyes. Level enough that their gazes met.
“If, after you’ve spoken to him, you’re not convinced that he had nothing to do with the attempts on Jonathan’s life, you won’t tell him about the child his son and daughter-in-law had. Once he’s gone and I’m convinced you’re safe, I’ll take you and Jonathan some place where no one will ever find you.”
She studied the expression on his face, the look in his eyes. “You’d let me take Jonathan with me?”
He nodded his answer. “In return, I have a question for you. If Lord Penderly convinces you that he’s innocent of any wrongdoing, will you tell him he has a grandson? Are you willing to let Jonathan go?”
Sarah stiffened. “You think I would intentionally keep Jonathan from his family?”
He didn’t speak for a moment, then said, “I don’t know. Would you?”
She rose and turned to look out into the garden. Her fingers clutched the cool, sculpted railing and she stared out into the darkness. It was dangerous to allow someone to know you so well. They knew things you didn’t want anyone to know.
“Sarah, I know you love Jonathan as if he is your own. I know how desperate you are to keep him and not let him go. And I know that you have been a mother to him since he was born. How could you not? You’ve been with him from the minute he took his first breath. You are more a mother to him than the woman who bore him.” He paused. “But he is not yours. He is the future Earl of Penderly.”
Her heart died a little inside her. Jonathan was hers, always had
been. He was the only family she had left—would be the only child she would ever have. If she gave him up, she’d live out her life alone.
She forced herself to remain calm. She didn’t have to worry. Penderly was guilty. Even if Austin refused to consider the earl’s guilt, she’d be able to tell he was the one behind the attempts to kill Jonathan. Austin would see it eventually, too. She knew he would.
She faced him. “I will always do what is best for Jonathan. I could never do anything that wasn’t. I love him too much to do something that might cause him harm.”
He came to stand behind her. With his arms wrapped around her and his chin resting on her head, they stood in the moonlight for several quiet moments. This was a memory she would always cherish—the warmth of his body as it seeped through hers, the feel of his arms pressing against her chest, the peace that she felt with his body surrounding hers. She was loathe to give it up but knew she had to. Tomorrow would be a big day, a difficult day.
She sucked in a deep breath. “I need to go inside,” she whispered.
He released her and the chilled air claimed the warmth she’d enjoyed so much. He held out his arm to escort her but she shook her head. “I can find my way to my room.”
“Good night, then, Sarah. Rest well.”
She walked away from him, knowing that she’d remember—and cherish—this night for the rest of her life.
…
Austin called himself every kind of fool as she walked away from him. He never should have kissed her like he had. He shouldn’t have let his emotions get the best of him, but how could he help it where she was concerned? She was more special to him than any woman had ever been.
The feel of her lips against his brought to life emotions he thought were dead. Having her in his arms made him feel more alive than he had since before the war. But nothing could ever come of the feelings he had for her. Or any she might harbor for him.
Tomorrow he was going to force her to make the one decision he knew would destroy her, would destroy any feelings she might ever have for him.