Dissonance

by Drew Elyse

  "You guys relax. I'm going to make some food," Alex instructed us brightly.

  That was all it took, Eli was on his feet and immediately in the kitchen to help her. It was funny to watch him switch so suddenly from a lazy son-of-a-bitch to the helpful mate. It made me wonder if Charlotte knew Eli's intentions with Alex. He dragged me with him a couple of times to go engagement ring shopping all over the damn city. He insisted that he had to find the "perfect" ring for her, though he hadn’t said anything about an actual plan for his proposal yet. Knowing Eli, he would wait as long as he needed to in order to have the perfect plan. He would never give Alex less than that.

  As the two moved around the kitchen, I looked over at Charlotte, who was seated on the love seat at an angle to the couch I found myself on. She was smirking at Eli and Alex, and I knew that even if she knew nothing about Eli's plans, she thought it was high time he got there.

  "You guys are like an old married couple," she called to them.

  Eli failed to hide his amusement with a scowl, while Alex grinned in response. I was drawn back to the smirk gracing Charlotte's lips. Did I mention how sexy it was when she did that? I wanted to see her look at me like that. I wanted her to tease me, and I've always been one for the sure thing. She made me want for her to torture me with her alluring little body and sexy smirk until I begged. Christ, it made me want her to be my undoing.

  Eli asked Charlotte about her new job for a bit while I tried, again, to suppress my overwhelming desire for her. My mind and body were so wrapped up in her that I could not even concentrate enough to follow their conversation. I didn’t jump back into the present until I heard Charlotte say: "I just didn't want to wait to start. My student loan payments are actually going to start being due, and I still have a bit to take care of.”

  Immediately, I felt that desire to take care of her again. I had to refrain from asking how much debt she had from school, finding myself actually considering how I could ease that financial burden without her consent. I knew that she would never allow me to just give her a check to pay it all off. Why should she? I barely knew her. Hell, I was asking myself why I even wanted to. Her affect on me already knew no bounds.

  "I can help out with some of it," Eli offered.

  "No," Charlotte responded adamantly. "You made sure I had money for everything else all those years. You've done enough taking care of me."

  Eli looked immediately exasperated with her refusal. "Lottie–"

  She cut him off. "No. I'm a big girl now. I can take care of my own debt. Besides, there’s only a couple thousand, and I have years to pay it off. I’m not worried at all.”

  Well, no shock there. Charlotte was obstinate about her independence. She would not accept charity. It was so goddamn frustrating, and I barely knew her. Eli had to be well beyond tired of it.

  "What happened to all you talk about the loves?” Eli shot at her. “What about Agape?"

  Charlotte looked blatantly unimpressed by his attempt to change her mind. "Agape is random. It is offering up help to people regardless of your relationship to them. You're my brother, you feel obligated to help me because you are my family. You wouldn’t do this for just anyone."

  Feeling lost in translation, I looked between them both. "What the hell are you two talking about?"

  "C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves. Storge, Philia, Eros, Agape. Affection, Friendship, Romance, Charity. It is an exploration of the four forms of love that have arisen from the Christian tradition. Outside of faith, I think it's a fascinating way to look at relationships."

  Eros. Romance. The Greek god of love, if I remembered correctly. The word seemed to stick out in my mind. I could not ignore it, or the innately sensual sound of the word on her lips.

  “Of course, it is wrapped in misconceptions. For instance, Eros, as I had to tell my dear brother, is not sex. Philia, friendship, is a love not just an association,” her attention moved from me and back to Eli, “and Agape is not based on a sense of obligation.”

  Little did she know that this was not her first lesson to me about the difference between love and sex. I’m not a complete idiot. I always knew that there is a difference between a mindless fuck and a “soul mate” – if I ignore my questions about whether the latter exists at all. What I did not know was Eros. What I did not know was how enticing she could make that concept when I least expected it. Next to the allure of Eros with Charlotte, Philia sounded like a consolation prize.

  Eli sighed. “You’re impossible,” he responded to Charlotte before turning his back to us and busying himself at the stove.

  Charlotte had a slight grin at this resignation.

  “Not sure you can call that a win,” I told her.

  “What? He gave in. Hence, I win,” she responded.

  “Whatever you say, sweetheart.”

  The moment the words left my lips, I could see Charlotte’s smile completely disappear and the color visibly drain from her face. Those mesmerizing brow irises were quickly being engulfed by black pupils. I swear I could hear her heartbeat quicken. What just happened?

  Looking over to the kitchen for some explanation of what the heck was going on, I found Eli with his back still turned, blissfully unaware of the reaction I had elicited from his baby sister. Alex, however, had stopped her prep work and was watching Charlotte’s reaction vigilantly.

  The sound of desperate, frantic breaths filled my ears, and a moment later, Charlotte bolted down the hall and closed herself in the bathroom. Alex met my eyes, and then looked back to Eli. Swiftly, she tossed a container of parmesan cheese that sat in front of her into the trash.

  “Babe, I guess we didn’t have parmesan,” she said, rummaging through the refrigerator. “Can you run to the store and get some?”

  Begrudgingly rinsing his hands and moving to grab his shoes, he suddenly noticed Charlotte’s absence. “Where did Char go?”

  “Bathroom,” Alex responded without missing a beat.

  He nodded, pulling on his shoes. As he moved to the door, Alex met my eyes and nudged her head in the direction where Charlotte had just disappeared. Her message was clear: Go after her!

  I couldn’t go yet, not without some idea what I was walking into. Once Eli disappeared, I walked over to Alex in the kitchen. “What the hell just happened?”

  She just shook her head sadly. “Panic attack. I have no clue what set it off, but I’ve seen her have one before. Whatever it was, it was between the two of you, so I think you should go check on her.”

  I couldn’t agree less. In fact, since I had somehow triggered her, I felt I was the last person that should go after her; particularly when I felt so stricken by the fact that I had scared her somehow.

  Alex, noting my lack of response or action, continued. “Look, you seem to want to have some sort of relationship or friendship or something with her besides just being her roommate. Char is letting you in, she usually doesn’t. If you don’t show her that you had no intention of scaring her – which I know you didn’t – she is going to close you off because it will be easier.”

  I did not want Charlotte to close me out. In fact, the thought sent fear lancing through me, so I went to find her.

  Huddled on the bathroom floor, I tried to fight off the panic taking hold of me. The room was spinning like a wicked merry-go-round. A cold sweat coated my skin, and my lungs were clamped tightly, forcing me to fight against them to get any air in at all.

  A voice, full of malice, whispered in my mind, making my blood run cold. “See, sweetheart? Your job is to please me. I’ll do whatever the hell I want with you. You want to act like a whore? I’ll fucking treat you like the whore that you are.”

  I could feel his hand clamped tightly around my neck, his body restraining mine, the terror pulsing through my veins.

  A gentle rapping on the door made me jump and sent a whole new rush of terror through me.

  “Charlotte,” Logan called to me softly. “Are you okay?”

  Trying desperately to force sound past
the terror tightening my throat, I stammered, “I… I’m… I’m fine.”

  The doorknob twisted hesitantly, and I frantically attempted to appear collected, swiping haphazardly at my face to wipe away the beads of sweat on my forehead.

  Logan looked pale as he kneeled down next to me. I could not look up at him, so I just kept staring down at my hands that quaked in my lap. The slender fingers shook violently, giving away all the fear that continued to torment me.

  “Hey,” Logan said more gently than I had heard him speak before. When I kept my head lowered, he reached out and grasped one of my cold hands in both of his steady, warm ones.

  “I’m sorry,” he said in a resigned voice.

  Surprise startled me further from my despair and back into the moment. Why was he apologizing? I was the one who had run off. I was the one that still could not control my panic after nearly seven years.

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “Did I set it off?”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I replied in a small voice.

  “What happened?”

  “It’s… It’s nothing.” I could have hardly been less convincing.

  “Look, you don’t have to talk about it. I just don’t want to set you off like that again. I won’t pry beyond that if you don’t want to talk,” Logan said earnestly.

  Making an attempt at a deep breath that came out like a choppy gasp, I gave in. “The pet name.”

  Logan just nodded slowly. His eyes gave away that he wanted to know more. He wanted to understand how a simple endearment could reduce me to a nonfunctioning pile of nerves, cowering on the bathroom floor. He wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me. But he kept his word. He didn’t ask.

  We sat in silence for… I don’t know how long. He just gently stroked the back of my hand and let my body release all of the tension I had built up. Eventually, when my muscles had relaxed, and my breathing and heart rate returned to normal, he spoke again, “Okay?”

  I looked at him and nodded.

  “We should get back out there then. Your brother will be back soon,” he said, rising to offer me his hand.

  Once on my feet, I asked, “Back from where?”

  “Grocery store. Alex threw half a thing of parmesan cheese in the garbage when you ran out of the room. She wanted to distract him, I guess,” he explained.

  “There’s… a lot that Eli doesn’t know about.”

  “But Alex does?”

  I sighed. “No. Not really. She knows a bit more, but that’s all she needs to understand.” My answer was evasive at best, but he had already agreed not to push me. He just silently accepted my explanation and followed me out to the living room.

  Alex was still working away in the kitchen. From over her cutting board, she looked us over. “Feeling better?”

  I gave her a small smile, all I could muster. “Thanks for getting rid of Eli.”

  “No problem, honey. I still know the score.” She assessed me seriously for a moment. “Are they still bad?”

  I shrugged. “Not as frequent.”

  “Did you talk to Brooks about it?” She meant Dr. Brooks, the rather annoying shrink I had been seeing before the move.

  “No.”

  “It will get better if you talk about it,” she reminded me for the hundredth time. Alex wouldn’t push me. She knew better than that. But she had been down the same road, so she knew the only thing standing in the way of my recovery was myself. Hell, on good days, I knew it, too. Still, knowing and actually acting are very different things.

  “I… I’m not ready,” I replied in a small voice.

  “I know. But someday,” she gave me a hopeful smile as I returned to the couch.

  Logan sat across from me again, his attractive face still marred by confusion. “Why does Alex know more than Eli? I thought you two were close.”

  “We are, but I told you, this is how Alex and I met. I didn’t go to group therapy for fun.”

  At my words, I could see Alex freeze her prep work and glance up at me. She was shocked that I shared that piece of information. It wasn’t because it included such an intimate detail about her. Alex had always been very open about her past in therapy, even if she preferred not to talk about the issues that led her there. When she did talk about it though, she always left me and our connection out of it. My past, including my treatment, was a card I always played very close to the chest. The fact that I had already told Logan was frankly shocking.

  In the next moment, “1, 2, 3, 4” by the Plain White T’s came pouring from the kitchen. Alex picked up her phone and answered, “Hey, baby.” I grinned, wondering if Eli knew that his ringtone was such a cute song.

  Almost immediately, Alex’s phone was back on the counter again. “So, he apparently got more than we needed and he needs a hand,” he said to Logan. He rolled his eyes and headed out the door.

  Alex was on me as soon as it closed. “You told him about group?”

  “Just that it was how we met, not the topic of the group.” No, nothing good could come from telling my new roommate that Alex and I met in a support group for victims of abusive relationships.

  “Okay, mum’s the word.”

  As she finished speaking, the front door flew open again. Logan carried in a couple of grocery bags, followed by Eli carrying a box tied closed with twine. It was obviously a cake, and I was at once touched and a bit irritated.

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  He placed the box on the counter and opened it up. Inside was a round cake decorated to roses in variant shades of purple and simple script that read, “Welcome Home, Charlotte.”

  Emotion welled up in my chest as I wrapped my arms around my big brother. He was right. Wherever we were together, wherever I had him and Alex with me, that was home. He pulled me into a bear hug that lifted me off my feet.

  “Thank you, Eli. I love you.”

  He planted a loud kiss on my temple. “I love you, too, Lottie.”

  Regardless of any discomfort I felt over the move or the still developing and confusing relationship with Logan, I was going to be better off in Seattle. My family was around me again. No matter what, I would have them by my side.

  We were quite a little group. After food and cake, we sat around for a long time just talking about this and that, joking and laughing, all of us at ease with each other.

  Eli and Charlotte were fighting through a story about an ex-girlfriend of his that had left a bad taste in Charlotte’s mouth. Apparently, she was so bad it justified planting the idea in the poor girl’s mind that Eli was having an affair with Alex.

  “It’s not like you can still be mad at me!” Charlotte laughed. “If I hadn’t done it, you two of you wouldn’t be together!”

  “I would have broken up with her before long anyway,” Eli countered.

  “Oh, really? You didn’t break up with her when she thought a mandolin was a fruit, or when she begged you to go see Lady Gaga with her,” Charlotte responded passionately.

  “Will you ever let that go?” Eli inquired. “She was dumb. I knew that. People make stupid choices.”

  “But you dated your stupid choice!”

  I jumped in, “You’ve never dated someone that you knew was a bad choice?”

  Eli was taking a drink, so he didn’t notice the momentary shift when Charlotte dropped her head and Alex looked at her, concerned. He missed the entire thing, but I had not. “Oh, she definitely has,” Eli plowed on.

  Charlotte sat up, and there was scarcely a sign of any sadness on her face as she scowled at him. I wondered how she managed that all the time. Was she that used to wearing a mask? “What are you talking about?”

  “Scott,” Eli retorted.

  “Scott?!” Alex half-shrieked.

  “Oh my God,” Charlotte groaned.

  “Who the hell is Scott?” Alex was clearly unhappy about not being privy to this information.

  Charlotte sighed. “He was my first boyfriend. If you can
even call it that, since Eli ran him off so quickly.”

  “You’re damn right I did!” Eli countered.

  “Why?” Alex asked.

  “Because Scott was an asshole. He and I were friends. We met because we used to smoke pot together. He smoked more than I did, even at my worst. He was a junkie, a drummer, and I’d watched him take girls home without even asking their first names.”

  “A drummer? I know you go for musicians, but come on. Drummers are never a good choice,” Alex scolded Charlotte. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t taken particular note of the fact that Charlotte preferred to date musicians.

  “What? He was a nice guy, to me at least. He taught me to skateboard one day, and things just… got close.”

  “I walked in on him trying to make out with her one afternoon. The dick was trying to get with my little sister!” Eli told us emphatically. “I ripped his scrawny ass off of her and taught him to stay the hell away from her.”

  “You sent him to the hospital with a broken jaw and a concussion!” Charlotte objected.

  “He got lucky,” Eli muttered.

  I couldn’t help but agree with Eli. The thought of some punk-ass drummer with his hands and lips all over Charlotte made me think brutal thoughts. “Good job,” I told him.

  Eli laughed, but Charlotte eyed me suspiciously. Apparently, my comment hit a nerve, because the next words out of her mouth were a low blow. “What about you, Logan? Any questionable relationship choices?”

  Alex, I could tell, had to hold back her reaction. Her face was tense as she tried to keep it blank and her shoulders shook from barely contained laughter. Eli snorted and I shot him a look.