Dissonance

by Drew Elyse

  “Logan,” she began weakly. “I…”

  That renewed clarity broke my resolve. I had to kiss her. I could not go another moment without that connection. I needed it more than my next breath.

  When my lips collided with hers and I felt her return my kiss, the vice that had gripped my heart since I’d heard the shattering glass finally loosened its hold. Wherever she had gone, my girl was back.

  It took a while for the last of the panic to subside. Her muscles finally unwound against me. When she seemed at ease, I dared to ask the question that hung in the air, despite my doubts that it would be answered.

  “What happened?”

  As expected, she just shook her head against my chest. Would that part of our relationship ever change? Charlotte never opened up to anyone, but I held on to what could very well have been a foolish hope that I could change that. What if I was wrong? What if she never let me in? How long could I stand by loving someone that fought to keep me at arm’s length?

  I tried another tactic. “What do you want, Charlotte? What can I do?”

  “I need to run,” she replied in a still-shaken voice.

  “Will you let me come with you?” I don’t think I could let her out of my sight right then.

  “If you want to.”

  Those answers hurt the most. Could she not see how much she meant to me?

  “I always want to be with you.”

  Running was my way to decompress. It gave me unhindered time to think. It allowed me a way to release every emotion that had gotten out of hand. It handed me back my sense of control. Running with Logan, however, drove me to distraction. He’d come in a plain t-shirt, but had stripped it off when we left the car. Now he was just a mess of sweaty, tattooed muscles in a pair of low-slung basketball shorts. I tried to keep myself a pace in front of him, but the urge to glance back at that view was too great. I’d nearly face planted onto the trail at least half a dozen times.

  Logan wanted me to talk. I knew it. Despite the fact that he hadn’t pushed me, despite allowing me to indulge distraction when I was upset, I knew he wanted me to tell him everything. Well, he thought he did at least. He didn’t know better. He didn’t understand that we were better off with him not knowing. It was best if no one knew but me. He didn’t deserve to endure that story. There was no way things could remain the same if he knew how I’d gotten that scar.

  What if the knowledge was too much for him, and really, how could it not be? What if he learned the truth and realized how unworthy I was? I wasn’t naïve. I knew we were not forever. It didn’t matter what I may have wanted. He would move on eventually. Why dig up skeletons for something impermanent? Plus, there was the fear that he might stand by me out of pity if he knew. There was no way I could let him do that. He deserved to be happy.

  Logan cared about me. I didn’t doubt that, would never deny it. Maybe in another life, we could have been meant to be. Maybe he was meant to be mine in this life, but I’d messed things up long ago. It didn’t really matter, honestly. This life had not given us that chance. In this life, I was damaged. He deserved better than damaged. I was not so selfish as to stand in the way of that. For the moment, I would enjoy being with him, knowing that the memory of us would still be mine when he was gone.

  A few yards later, I veered off of the path to the same clearing I’d found on my first run. Funny how I had been so furious at Logan that day because I thought he had planned to use me. Things had certainly changed. I’d come to understand just how wrong I had been about him, about us. Instead of mentally cursing his name, I found myself staring at him, struck again by the way he made me feel.

  “Damn, babe,” Logan panted. “I thought I was in good shape. Obviously, not good enough.”

  I had no idea what he was talking about. He was in incredible shape. I’d been fighting off images of being alone with him since we’d gotten to the park.

  “I mean, I’m not an avid runner,” he continued, still fighting for air, “but I can barely keep up with you. Not for that long.” He crossed his arms behind his head, stretching out his toned body. Sweat had never looked as delicious as it did making each sinewy line on his body shine.

  It wasn’t until I forced my eyes off of his body that I really paid attention to my own. I’d gone harder than I’d realized, not that that was anything new. I got lost in my head while running frequently, only to realize how hard I was pushing myself once I stopped. I was pretty well soaked in sweat, the light breeze creating a wonderful chill on the wet surface of my skin. The soreness radiating from my lower body was a bit concerning. I wasn’t shy when it came to a hard workout, but I was crossing the line into considerable pain. How I’d not noticed that while we were still running was lost even on me.

  I took a little longer, still trying to calm my own erratic breathing, before replying to Logan. “Sorry. I didn’t realize how hard I was going.”

  We didn’t talk for a while, both focusing on cooling down. The longer it took to calm my breathing, the worse I felt. I was used to pushing myself too far when I was upset, Logan had had no idea what he was getting into.

  “Why didn’t you tell me to slow down?”

  Logan looked up at me a little curiously. He came up close to me and cupped my face between his hands the way he always did when he wanted to be sure he had my full attention. “Do you feel better?”

  Did I? My body was ready to collapse. My constant worries about my relationship with Logan were weighing on me more than ever. But, the fear was gone. I could hardly tell I’d had a panic attack earlier. I nodded.

  “That’s all that matters to me. I’ll do whatever you need. You need to run full-out until your body can’t keep going? I’ll be right beside you. I love you, Charlotte. I will do anything for you. A hard run barely scratches the surface. Don’t ever underestimate that.”

  His eyes were fierce, radiating a fire that even outmatched the heat radiating from his exposed chest. That fire consumed me. It scalded every inch of my body, every corner of my soul. There was no fighting the consumption.

  And then his words really registered. He loved me? I pulled myself from him almost violently. No, that wasn’t possible. He couldn’t. I must have misheard…

  Logan grasped my shoulders in a rigid grip, stoically meeting my eyes despite the shock I knew he saw there.

  “Yes, angel, I love you,” he said with complete confidence. “I know that scares you, and you aren’t ready to say it back. I don’t want you to say it, not until you’re ready, but you need to know the truth. You need to know that I love you, Charlotte. You are my world.”

  I could feel myself edge closer and closer to hyperventilating. He can’t love me. He can’t. No one will ever love me that way. I could hear that nightmare voice begin his nausea-inducing whispers. How could Logan love me? He didn’t know. He saw a mask, not the ugliness beneath.

  In his eyes there was only certainty and tenderness. He really believed it. For a moment, I almost could too. But I couldn’t let myself. If I really let myself believe it, it would kill me to let him go.

  “Look at me,” Logan demanded. “Don’t check out on me again. I won’t say it again until you’re ready. I promise. You just need to know, deep down, that you are the most important thing in my life.”

  That wasn’t calming. Nothing about this was okay. He had no idea the mistake he was making.

  “You are nothing.”

  One moment those hateful words were echoing in my head, the next I was drowning in Logan’s kiss. Unbridled passion seeped through his soft lips, infusing into the deepest part of me. There was only him. Only his kiss. Only his… love.

  “Just breathe for me.” I did as he asked, his scent settling me as much as his kiss. “Better?”

  I pushed myself against his chest, holding tight to his waist. Nothing could hurt me there. I was safe in his arms. I could even ignore my fear of losing him there.

  He didn’t move away for a long time, allowing me to completely melt into him
before he finally pulled back and gave me one f his adorable smiles. “I want nothing more than to feel you against me, particularly when you’re all sweaty,” I nudged him hard in the chest. He just laughed at his own antics. “No, really, it’s true. Though it’d be better if I’d gotten you this way.” I didn’t even retaliate that time. Logan loved his own jokes.

  “You have plenty of opportunities,” I joked back, feeling lighter than I could have thought given the circumstances. Logan did that for me, he made me feel at peace.

  His whole body tightened against me and a low “mmm” rung from him. When he spoke, the playfulness was gone, replaced by his silky whisper. “Let me take you home, angel.”

  When we got back to the apartment, Logan told me he needed to go run an errand. He wouldn’t tell me what. All he said was that when he got back, he was taking me out for dinner. Again, I could not get a plan out of him. All I got was to dress up a bit. No jeans. That was it.

  With that, I let him go. He had told me he would be picking me up at five, so I had taken a short nap before getting ready. When it was time, he came to my bedroom door and knocked. He flat-out gawked when he saw what I was wearing. I’d chosen the blue dress I had worn the day I moved in. He had told me how incredible he thought I had looked that day, and when I had seen it hanging in my closet, I could not wear anything else. He offered me a kiss at my door, like he had picked me up from my own house. Then he took my hand, and led me out of the building to his car.

  Logan refused point blank to tell me where we were headed for dinner, despite my repeated pleas. “It’s a surprise. Do you know the meaning of the word?” he asked, feigning irritation.

  “I don’t like surprises.”

  Grabbing my hand, he placed a lush kiss on my palm. “You’ll like this one.”

  Placated by his touch, I gave in.

  He exceeded even my wildest expectations when we neared the parking for the Space Needle.

  “Oh my God,” I whispered. “You can eat in it?”

  Logan grinned triumphantly. “You can.”

  Okay, he was right. I liked his surprise.

  “I assumed you haven’t been before,” Logan said.

  “No. The only time I visited Eli in Seattle years ago, we didn’t get the chance.”

  Logan had reserved us a table right next to one of the floor-to-ceiling windows. I couldn’t sit immediately when we were escorted to our designated spot. The view of Seattle from above set to a backdrop of Mount Rainier in the distance was awe-inspiring. I couldn’t remember ever seeing a more captivating sight.

  Logan moved behind me. “You like the view?”

  “I love it, Logan. Thank you for bringing me here.”

  He stood by me a moment longer, enjoying the sight, before he pulled out my chair for me to sit. Over a meal more delicious than I’d ever had, we talked about all sorts of random things. Somehow, we got on the topic of Christmas. Logan told me about what the holiday had been like in his house as a kid, how his father always wore the same hideous sweater that his mom had given him as a joke one year, how his dad would play Santa and pass out the gifts while everyone else got comfortable around the living room with hot cocoa. It sounded amazing.

  “What about you?” he asked.

  Unsure what to say, I just shrugged. He continued to stare expectantly. It reminded me of my first night with him. He was so open with me, and I just had nothing to say.

  “We didn’t do much for Christmas. Mom would always try to get some extra cash together to get Eli and I something, but that was about it. We would get to open them in the morning, but we had to be quiet and not wake my father. Christmas never felt like it was much to celebrate. My childhood isn’t really one worth recounting. Eli and I tip-toed around our father until he finally left. My mom worked two jobs as far back as I can remember. Eli kind of always took care of me.”

  “Eli says it that way too, that you dad ‘finally’ left. Why did he suddenly decide to go?”

  I couldn’t respond. We shouldn’t have been on the topic in the first place. The last thing I wanted was to ruin our date by letting him into my dark mess of a past. I stared out at the view, trying to form a response until he grabbed my hand.

  “Forget it,” he said. “Another time, maybe.”

  I nodded, thankful to him for letting my off the hook, but still unsure what to say.

  We ate in amiable, if not slightly awkward, silence for a little while until we’d both finished and the waiter took our plates.

  “Charlotte, there’s something I’d like to give you,” Logan said. He sounded nervous, a tone that still seemed so unnatural for him. His smile managed to convey timidity and pride at the same tie. “This…this is something to remind you always of what I told you earlier. I know you’re afraid of what I said, and I won’t repeat it yet, but I want you to have something that says it for me.”

  Logan pulled his chair closer to mine and place a kiss to my lips as he placed the box on the table in front of me. “Please take it, baby.”

  Well, how could I say no? I tugged off the white ribbon and removed the lid to reveal a silver toggle bracelet, with a heart-shaped charm. Engraved on the face if the heart in a delicate script were the words, “There is Still Time.”

  He had a bracelet engraved with my favorite poem. Words failed me.

  “Do you like it?” he whispered anxiously.

  “It’s…” I shook my head against the awe overwhelming me. When I looked up, he looked so uneasy that I forced the words out. “It’s perfect.”

  I kissed him with all of the passion that had ignited me since I opened the little box, all of the passion that had been building for weeks. A thank you for all he’d given me. He responded vigorously and the rush of energy that spread between us forced us to pull away, each trying to pull oxygen into our lungs. I was suddenly extremely aware of the crowded restaurant around us.

  There was undeniable heat in his eyes that reflected the desire I felt. “Let’s go home,” he whispered delectably.

  The drive home was impossibly long despite the fact that Logan was probably speeding the entire time. My body was buzzing with the increasingly familiar sensation of desire. His right hand stayed on my thigh the entire drive, gently massaging the muscle about halfway up, having inched my dress up slightly. My entire awareness shrunk down to that single deft hand and the sensuous man attached to it. The light pressure was singularly arousing. The longer his hand lingered in the same place, the more desperate I became. My clit throbbed with the need for his touch.

  Pulling into his parking spot was like releasing a pent-up breath. Relief washed though me, until he moved his hand to climb out. Suddenly bereft of his touch, I felt more desperate than before. We made it as far as the elevator before his lips took mine. I couldn’t believe the way my body responded to him. This was unlike anything we had experienced before. He had made me crave his touch, need it even, but it had been nothing compared to the complete fervor I was experiencing then.

  My lips were already swollen from the force of his kiss when we pulled apart to exit the elevator. We rushed to the door, panting with barely contained desire. Logan struggled with his keys, throwing us both into a fever pitch when he finally managed to unlock it.

  We didn’t make it far. As soon as we made it through the door, I was pressed up against the wall, his hard body settling against mine. He didn’t touch me right away and his eyes held the hint of a question beneath the fire. He was giving me the chance to push him away. I couldn’t even consider it. There was nothing I wanted more in that moment than to get him as close as possible. I wanted him against me, on top of me, inside of me. When I arched against him, he pressed me tighter between the wall and the unyielding surface of his body. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to.

  The sounds of our ragged breathing mingled in the silent apartment. It made me crazy to know that he needed me as badly as I did him. The wetness began to soak my panties, only increasing my sense of desperation. My skin wa
s so hypersensitive I knew that the slightest touch could set me off. Beneath the fabric of his pants, he was tantalizingly hard. I stared up at him, silently pleading for him to kiss me again.

  His hands travelled reverently down my arms. As the whisper of a touch neared my wrists, I didn’t feel self-conscious anymore. My left wrist was shielded by his precious gift. Where Alex’s make-up skills made the mark invisible, the bracelet he gave me felt like a shield. It hardly managed to cover the scar at all, slouching down to the very bottom of my wrist, and yet it felt like it was guarding that secret for me. It felt like Logan himself was providing me with a beautiful barrier from the world.

  Logan wrapped his hands around each of my wrists. My scar rubbed against the skin of his hand, and I didn’t care. The bracelet fell onto his closed fist. “You really like it?”

  “I love it,” I breathed.

  He smiled, looking adorably pleased, and dangerously sexy. He pulled my arms up to wrap around his neck before taking my lips with all of the ferocity I craved. The taste of him pervaded my thoughts. A growl emanated from him as our tongues lashed against each other. He pressed harder and harder against me, shifting his hips enticingly as we sweltered in our combined heat.

  My body began to quake. There were too many clothes between us. We both knew it. Logan acted first. His hands cut a sensual path down my body until they cupped the backs of my thighs, pushing my dress up just slowly enough to make me lose myself in the desperation. His hands gripped my ass hard, like he couldn’t control his need when they touched the combination of skin and barely-there panties.

  “I’ve been dreaming of peeling this dress off of you since that first day in the rain,” he whispered gruffly.

  Suddenly the fabric was rising faster, then disappearing all together. My desire had me in a fever pitch. My body sang under his touch, the nerves erupting at the sensation of skin on skin. Logan’s damp lips shifted away from mine, and began a journey down my neck and to the exposed skin of my chest. One hand ran down my stomach, teasing into the hem of my panties. I started when he didn’t pull the fabric away, but ran a finger through my drenched crevice without removing them.