Through Cloud and Sunshine

by Dean Hughes

  Malcolm nodded, smiling just a little, but his voice softened when he said, “Jeff, I found out this week, I might be out of a job before long.”

  “Out of a job? Why?”

  “I talked to the owner of our store this week. He says if our business doesn’t pick up, he might have to close the shop. Our numbers are down for the third year in a row. It seems like everybody sells tires now, and places like Walmart are cutting prices down to a level we can’t compete with.”

  “How long is he willing to stick with it?”

  “I don’t know. We talked about some new advertising gimmicks—four for the price of three and things like that—but if he doesn’t see any sign of things improving, I don’t think the store will last past the end of the year.”

  “What would you do?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t go back with my dad. Two families could never live off of what he makes, and he’s already wondering whether he’ll ever be able to retire. He just hasn’t been able to put enough away.”

  “So is that why you want to go back to school?”

  “Yeah, sure. If I go looking for work, what do I say? I’ve been running a business, but I’ve never taken a business class in my life? How’s that going to sound? The only thing I’m qualified for is some sort of construction or factory work, and who’s hiring that kind of worker these days?”

  “The economy is going to pick up one of these days, Malcolm. I really do believe that.”

  “Maybe so. But I’m always going to have the same problem if I don’t get some sort of education. And I probably need to get started pretty soon.”

  “Here’s another way to think about it. Maybe we could start a home remodeling business.”

  “I guess that’s a possibility.” Suddenly Malcolm grinned. “Or I could get into computers and we could invent some sort of software that makes us filthy rich.”

  “I think about that sometimes,” Jeff said. “But I’m better at talking than I am at inventing. That’s why I probably ought to be a professor. And you should be an engineer.”

  “We’re two fish in the bottom of a boat,” Malcolm said. “Both of us looking for enough water to go swimming in.”

  They were both smiling, but Jeff could see in Malcolm’s eyes that he really was worried. “Well, we’re both pretty lucky, too,” Jeff said. “We’ve got wives who believe in us, and families that will back us up.”

  “Yeah. That’s true.”

  “We’ll figure things out.”

  For a moment, Malcolm looked directly into Jeff’s eyes. “Thanks,” he said. “You came to Nauvoo at a good time. I’ve needed a buddy like you.”

  “Yeah. Me too.”

  But now they were both embarrassed. Malcolm nodded and headed out the door.

  • • •

  A couple of nights later, on a Friday night in March, Jeff and Malcolm were busy in the Robertsons’ kitchen again, and Abby had driven over to spend some time with Kayla. The idea was that Kayla would fix dinner, with Abby’s help, and the men would knock off early so the two families could eat together. But it was almost nine o’clock now, and dinner had been drying out in Kayla’s oven for well over an hour. The little girls had eaten earlier and were now in bed. Abby had called Jeff twice and asked him when he was coming, and both times he had said, “We’re just finishing up; we’ll be right over.”

  Finally Abby said, “Let’s just eat. Who knows when those guys will get here?”

  “I’ll tell you,” Kayla said, “those two seem like opposites, but in some ways they’re two peas in a pod.” She had cooked a big dish of lasagna, and she was using hot pads to pull it from the oven now. “This stuff looks cremated,” she said.

  “It smells great. The guys will put it away, no matter what.”

  “I’ll tell you what I told Malcolm,” Kayla said. “I think him and Jeff are both happier when they’re working on the houses than they are any other time.”

  “I know that’s true for Jeff,” Abby said. “He still doesn’t like his job.”

  “He doesn’t? He always tells me he’s okay with it.”

  “He thinks he has to say that—as much as anything, for my sake.”

  Abby stepped over to the kitchen cabinet where Kayla had dished out lasagna on two plates. Abby had made a green salad, and she used tongs to place some on each plate, next to the lasagna.

  Kayla had also baked a big batch of dinner rolls that had been cooling on the counter. She placed one on each plate and then added a second. “I’m hungry, too,” she said. “I keep telling myself I need to lose weight, but every day I decide I’ll start tomorrow.”

  “It’s so hard to lose weight after a baby, isn’t it?”

  “Oh, come on, Abby. Don’t even say that. You’re already back into your clothes.

  “And stretching them out in the process.”

  The two carried their plates to the kitchen table and sat down. Kayla said a blessing and with a little humor in her voice prayed that their husbands would soon return home, safe and sound.

  After, as they began to eat, Kayla said, “So what does Jeff tell you? Does he ever admit that he’s not happy with his job?”

  “No. Never. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, and all he’ll say is that the Lord guided him to the job and he’s blessed to have it. And then he starts counting all our blessings—William doing so well and everything—and he knows I’ll agree with him. But I see it in his eyes when he leaves in the morning, and I hear it in his voice when he calls home during the day. He’s going through the motions, making the best of life for now, but his career is not turning out the way he always pictured it. He won’t admit that because he’s trying to provide for me—and for William—but he’s settling for what life has thrown at him, and he’s just telling himself it’s okay.”

  “So what are you going to do about that?”

  “When Jeff lost his job, I felt like I was falling off a cliff. But I’ve decided it’s time for me to grow up. Jeff’s doing what he has to do for now, and he does everything to give me what I need. He’s got to figure out for sure what he needs—and then I’m going to support him.”

  “For Malcolm, it’s almost the other way around. I think he always figured that if he had a good job, and me and him was together—with kids and everything—that’s what life was all about. But now he’s scared. If he loses his job, he doesn’t know what he’ll do. He’s afraid he won’t be able to provide for us.”

  Abby finished chewing a bite of lasagna and then took a sip of milk. “Jeff told me about that. He said the tire store might close.”

  “Malcolm’s really worried about it, and he’s like Jeff: He doesn’t say much because he doesn’t want to worry me. But we might have to figure out a way for him to go to college. Maybe they’ll both end up back in school.”

  “Well, one thing Jeff’s losing his job has taught me is that we can get by on a lot less than I thought, and if things go wrong, we can figure something out and keep moving forward.”

  “That’s what I keep telling Malcolm. I think he felt a little better after he talked to Jeff the other night.”

  “Well ... it’s good they’ve found each other. Jeff’s never had such a good friend in his life.”

  “That’s what Malcolm said the other day—that Jeff’s his all-time best friend.” Kayla wiped her mouth with a paper napkin. “But Malcolm’s like me. We always worry that we’re using bad grammar or saying something stupid when we’re around you two.”

  “Oh, come on. I don’t—”

  “You notice. I know you do. Sometimes I know I’m saying things wrong, but I don’t catch myself until it’s too late. Besides, you’re so pretty, and I’m frumpy as an old lady already. I guess I can live with that, but I wish there was one thing I could do that would set me apart a little.”

  “Are you serious?”

&
nbsp; “Sure I am.”

  “Kayla, I call you every day to ask you what to do with William.”

  “I know, but that’s just because I’ve had three kids now and—”

  “No, it isn’t. I watch you with your kids and I marvel at your instincts. You’re good at everything I want to be good at. You’re such a good cook, and you can make money stretch like no one I’ve ever met. Your house always looks perfect, and—”

  “And you graduated from Stanford. You’re a decorator, and you—”

  “No, no, no. I don’t want to hear any of that. You’re good at so many things that matter, and I only recently started to understand what those things are. I didn’t get ready to do what it turns out I’m doing. Kayla, I don’t know what I would do without you. You’ve kept me going through this whole horrible winter.” Abby’s voice cracked, and she felt tears begin to trickle down her cheeks. “And now you’re teaching me things I should have known all along.”

  “Oh, brother, I think you’re exaggerating just a little.”

  “I love you, Kayla. I’ve never had a friend like you. God sent you to me, just when I needed you. We may leave Nauvoo sooner or later. But I know one reason we came—so you could take care of me.”

  “Well, I hope you always stay here. I hope we both do.”

  Abby nodded, and she wiped away her tears. She did want to stay in Nauvoo, but it probably wasn’t what Jeff needed, and she didn’t know how she could make both things work.

  “Do you want another roll?” Kayla asked, and she laughed.

  “No. I really shouldn’t.”

  “I know. Me either.”

  Both sat for a moment, but Abby saw the hint of a smile coming into Kayla’s eyes. “Should we split one?” she asked.

  “Well ... no. Let’s each have another one, then eat a lot less tomorrow.”

  “Good idea. That’s just what I was thinking.”

  • • •

  Jeff and Abby tried to go to the temple as often as they could. When Sister Caldwell didn’t have rehearsals or performances in the evening, she loved to take William, and Abby also had a good visiting teacher who would call up and say, “Let me have that little boy of mine tomorrow night, and you and Jeff go do something.”

  With all Jeff’s busyness, that often didn’t work out, but when they did go out, they liked to go to a session at the temple and then get something quick to eat before they went home. Jeff had never lived just five minutes away from a temple, and he had never found a place where he felt quite so comfortable and secure. The Nauvoo Temple was a wonder, inside and out. Jeff loved the woodwork, the details in the carpet and windows, and the murals in the endowment rooms. It had a different feel from most buildings constructed in his own era. It felt like a nineteenth-century work of art and craftsmanship, even if it was a reconstruction.

  In this place that his Grandfather Lewis had probably helped to build, Jeff felt a connection to his family and to all the Saints who had lived in Nauvoo in the 1840s. Even in his busy life, he spent every spare minute reading about those days. He knew how hard the Saints worked to build a temple when they might have put their time and money and effort into building better homes for themselves.

  The temple ceremony seemed, in some ways, to fit with that time, too. And Jeff liked to think about the meaning of all he heard. He was changing his mind about lots of the things he had thought mattered to him, but he was still struggling to know where he fit and what he wanted out of life. It was in the temple that he was able to push worldly thoughts aside and feel as though he were connected to the Prophet Joseph and all the early leaders, and at the same time, connected to the doctrines he loved so much. Jeff could question everything, but he knew he believed in the words of the Sermon on the Mount. He knew it was more important to be humble than to be important. He knew that kindness was a better trait than brilliance, and that serving others was more important than serving oneself.

  Jeff had blessed his baby, and his baby had been healed. That had changed his way of thinking forever. He felt a security in his faith that he had never expected to experience.

  At the same time, his mind was always full of questions.

  Sometimes he still crossed the road and stood on his grandfather’s property. He liked to talk out loud and test his thinking. He couldn’t do that in the temple, but the temple was a place to be alone in the midst of others, and a place to divorce himself from the world for a little while. Grandfather’s property, on the other hand, provided a place to think about himself. He was relieved not to doubt as much as he always had, but he seemed more aware than ever that he wasn’t yet the man he wanted to be. He often felt lonely, too. He knew he didn’t want to bother others with all his questions, but sometimes it was almost more than he could do to hold them all inside.

  Chapter 17

  The winter did not set in as severely as it had the previous year. Will was feeling much healthier as Christmas approached, and Liz was no longer sick every day. She had calculated that her baby would come in early March, 1844. She tried to trust the Lord and not worry about the baby’s health, but she was apprehensive all the same. She remembered little Mary Ann, who had been so frail, and hoped for a stronger baby this time. She knew this one was bigger, and it kicked with more force than Mary Ann ever had, so she told herself all would be well.

  Christmas was better too. With Will at home and his time a little more free, he and Liz sometimes visited the English Saints near the Great Mound east of Nauvoo. Their friends from the Malvern Hills decorated their houses with greenery and held little dinner gatherings in their homes, and on Christmas Eve there was caroling throughout the neighborhood.

  Liz tried all day not to think about her father, who had loved Christmas so much. But in bed that night, her mind turned back to him. Father had always read the Christmas story from Luke on Christmas Eve, just as Will had done that night. She knew that in some ways Will was a better man than her father. He wasn’t quite so attracted to things of the world, especially now that he had worked so hard on the temple. She had watched Will change a good deal lately as his greatest desire had become his wish to see the temple finished and to receive the promised endowment. But still, her father had brought Liz’s family to the gospel, had taken a chance as a solicitor to join a church that many in Ledbury had held in contempt. He had wanted the very best for Liz, and sometimes he’d been a little forceful in his attempt to guide her to someone other than Will. All the same, he had respected her wishes when he had seen how set upon them she was. And after all, now that she had a son, and a baby soon to come, she understood a little better that it must be hard to let children make their own choices. It was true that what he had feared from Will had actually come about. She was living in humble circumstances, just as he had predicted. But she suspected he wouldn’t be disappointed now, not if he could know Will’s intentions and understand his heart.

  • • •

  Will was still working at the quarry, and the winter had been quite open so far, with little snow. That had meant a steady pace of work had continued, with men cutting stone most days. It was not always possible to move the stone up to the temple, but Will worked on the days when he could. This meant he received some income in months when he hadn’t had that before, and it gave him something to do. Still, the days were much shorter, so he was home evenings, and some days he was at the house all day. He worked outside a good deal, and he helped Liz with Jacob while she taught school, but the plan was to discontinue her school before the baby was born. Liz thought she could start up again in the fall, but Will hoped that would not be necessary. He didn’t have the roadwork ahead of him, but he and Jesse were farming enough acreage now that he thought they could manage all right, especially if the harvest was better next season. He would also continue to plow for other men as often as he could

  One turn of events had helped with finances. Brother Lancaster, in spite o
f the bad harvest, had actually come to Will with half the money he owed him: twenty dollars. He had apologized for taking so long and hinted that he thought he had paid Will enough now, so Will had told him they were “square” as far as he was concerned. He felt good about that. He still felt that Brother Lancaster had broken promises, but he wanted to be generous and forgiving, not judgmental. He had been reading his scriptures a good deal this winter, and when he did that, he saw a vision of the man he wanted to be: bold as Paul but humble as Jesus. He was not much like either one of them at this point, and he knew that, but he felt he had acted the way a brother should.

  What worried Will was that he was hearing too much about disagreements among the members in Nauvoo and too much criticism of Joseph Smith and other leaders. In January, William Law was removed from the First Presidency, and he was vocal in his protests about the manner in which he had been released. Will had a feeling that Brother Law could end up leaving the Church. There had been trouble between Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon, too. During the Church conference the previous October, Joseph had actually spoken to the membership and asked that Brother Rigdon be released from the First Presidency. That hadn’t happened, and since then, relations seemed to have improved, but the fact was, Sidney was hardly visible as a leader in the Church. Will had a hard time understanding how such harsh feelings could develop among Church leaders. He knew that people were weak, that they made mistakes, and that good people lost their faith—but it was one thing to see a member become a backslider, and it was another to see those at the highest level of the Church taking issue with the Prophet and other leaders.

  Brother Clayton had told Will more than once, “They’re men, Will. They’re men like you and me.”

  Will thought he understood that, but one day Brother Clayton finally asked, “What about you, Will? Joseph always speaks well of you. What if you’re called one day to serve as an Apostle—or in some other high calling? Will you leave all your weaknesses behind, or will you carry some of them with you, no matter where you serve?” Will had never thought of himself as someone who could serve in such a high calling, but he was struck by the rightness of the question. Sidney Rigdon, William Law—all the brethren, even Joseph Smith himself—they were strong, but they were human. He supposed it was his job to pray for them, not question them, and a lot more people in town should do the same.