He shakes his head as if he was trying to push that memory away and then he continues:
‘I was really upset about it and my first reaction was to hook up with two different girls at two different parties that weekend and at that point I didn’t even feel much, I was totally numb at least emotionally. There was drinking involved and I didn’t even know them, I can’t even remember their names. I was really down after that and I talked to my two best friends: my mom and my cousin Morgan.’
‘You talked to your mom about sex?’
He chuckles.
‘I know you don’t have that kind of relationship with your mother but my mom is very open minded and we are friends, there is nothing I can’t tell her. In fact she says hi, I Skyped with her last night and I told her about our little shower together and how I was glad that we were interrupted because I was getting really frustrated and I had to go and take care of things...’
I blush, my cheeks hotter than the bonfires on the beach.
‘You...?’
He chuckles again and kisses my collarbone before continuing.
‘Did you really think that I could stop like you flick a switch? And I hope you don’t mind that when I did take care of... Things... I did think about you the whole time. How it would have felt to be with you...’
Ok, now I am blushing so much that I can probably be seen from space.
Xander gives me another kiss, this time behind my earlobe.
‘So, my cousin told me the same thing my ex did, that for girls intercourse and pleasure don’t always go together and that she had felt very embarrassed to talk to her first boyfriend about it. That even when they were doing other stuff, she was so nervous and embarrassed that she never had an orgasm and for a long time she thought that there was something wrong with her. So, my mom gave me a bit of advice for when I felt that I wanted to have sex again: and one of the things she said was to wait for someone that I cared for and to get there gradually.’
I ask him what he means with gradually and he smiles, stroking my hair while he talks:
‘Clary, you told me that I was your first kiss, right?’
I nod.
‘So, am I right to assume that the things we have done together so far, the kissing and cuddling, that this stuff was also new for you?’
I confirm that before I had never really done anything apart from that infamous peck on the lips with Matt.
‘I know I sound like a total loser and a dork...’
He kisses me to silence me and then he smiles, his eyes twinkling.
‘No, you aren’t a dork or a loser, you just don’t go and hook up casually and even though I would have never judged you if you had, I like this about you.
Now, we need to make a plan to get to sex and especially intercourse but so that it’s good for you too. For that, I need you to trust me and for you to be honest with me. And, baby, this doesn’t mean that we have to go all the way any time soon or that your first time has to be with me, even if of course, I want it to be with me...’
‘What...?’
‘Let me explain myself: we will start small and build up towards it and it doesn’t have to be this summer, we can take our time because I will go to college not that far from you and this isn’t a fling, Clary. I will make sure that we get to see each other as much as possible during the winter and we’ll both be back here next summer... But I promise you one thing: if it’s up to me, your first time isn’t going to be in a lifeguard hut, we will have a beautiful, comfortable bed, we will make sure that we can spend the whole night together, so you can fall asleep in my arms. But before that, we’ll both get to know your body and what feels good to you, so orgasms will come before intercourse.’
I smile and snuggle into him, my head on his shoulder.
‘Really? Do you care that much about me? Will you be this patient?’
‘I love you, Clary. I only need you to trust me and what I told you a few days ago still stands: if at any time you feel uncomfortable or you want to stop, I will make sure that we stop immediately. It isn’t always easy to stop but I want you to want what we do together... is it a deal?’
‘Yes, under one condition: it isn’t only about my own pleasure, it’s about yours too. So I get to learn what feels good to you and what you like. Like third base for example...’
He can’t keep from laughing.
‘Did you just say third base?’
‘Yes, what’s so funny? Brie told me everything about the bases, like for example, you and I only ever got to second base...’
He laughs again.
‘Sorry, but I think that Brie watches too many high school movies. But yes, if you want, I would love to get to third base with you, my gorgeous mermaid...’
‘Good, I know you said you have been... Taking care of things but I want to make sure that I don’t give you blue balls...’
He laughs again, this time without holding back.
‘Brie again, I suppose?’
‘Yup!’
‘Well, thank you, I appreciate the sentiment, especially after what has just happened between us, my balls do feel a little sore...’
I slap him at the back of his head.
‘Sometimes you are such a silly! This is the kind of comment that made me furious when we first met...’
He has his bad boy smile on again:
‘What I am hearing is “Xander, I have been thinking about your balls since we first met...”’
I am laughing too now, the sadness I had felt before completely forgotten.
‘On a more serious note, Clary, there’s something else I need to know if we are to start on our little project quite soon...’
‘What is it?’
‘Well, depending on what we do, we need to make sure that we are safe...’
I kiss him and reassure him.
‘I’m on the pill. I had really painful periods so...’
He squeezes my hand and smiles.
‘Good and I got tested for STDs just before coming to camp and I’m clean... I am not proud of the casual sex with those two girls, we did use condoms but you know, I really wanted to be sure...’
‘Yes, I get it.’
He holds me really tight and places a soft kiss on my head and we sit there, quiet, in each other’s arms for a while.
He didn’t say that I am his girlfriend but he said that he loves me... I know I should be a big girl and ask him if we are exclusive and with all that sex talk, he didn’t really sound like he wanted to pursue anyone else but I am scared to ask, just in case I misunderstood him.
I do love him so much, I cannot even think straight when he’s around me and I know I should probably talk to Logan tonight and break whatever it is that I have with him off and there’s also Austin to take into account. But the only idea of losing Logan and Austin makes me so sad, I can’t even breath.
I guess I will have to just talk myself into it because while I cannot let any of them go, I can’t think about what would happen if they knew about each other.
‘Baby, do you want to get out of here, maybe a little walk or go get a soda or something?’
Xander whispers in my ear.
We walk out, my feet landing on the cold sand, my hand in Xander’s, my heart full of so many things that it makes me feel a bit dizzy: is love always so complicated or is it just that I am not normal, going from never even had anyone interested in me to the current situation?
We walk up towards my cabin through the woods and when we are in the thickest of the trees, we stop for a heated kiss.
‘I would really like to spend the night with you tonight but for a couple of hours I am supposed to be on duty with keeping an eye on the bonfire and basically supervise the beach. Lots of people will be sleeping but Angie doesn’t want zero supervision even if curfew is suspended for tonight. I would ask you to stay with me but just in case something happens, I don’t want you to be alone, not with Justin being on that beach too all night. Have you made arrangements with
the girls or should I walk you to your cabin?’
I cannot tell him that Logan is coming over to spend the night and I don’t know if this will be the time I talk to him but I accept to be walked to my door.
‘Before we go... I need a kiss for the road.’
He kisses me and as usual, as soon as his tongue enters my mouth, I completely lose all awareness of the rest of the world and my surroundings so when I hear a loud noise and Xander yelps in pain, it really startles me.
‘Ouch! Someone just threw a rock at my arm! Stay here!’
He turns around and takes a few steps towards a thick of bushes behind us asking loudly if there’s anybody there.
I am about to follow him when I feel gloved hands grabbing me from behind and trying to drag me into the bushes.
I start screaming and kicking but can’t get free: whoever is holding me is using a lot of force.
When I think that something really bad will happen to me, Xander returns having heard my screams.
‘Clary!’
As soon as he’s in sight, whoever is behind me lets go and disappears into the woods making a rustling noise.
‘Clary are you ok?’
I am crying and shaking, terrified of what could have happened and relieved at the same time that whoever tried to grab me is now gone.
‘Clary!’
Austin comes running from the cabins, a look of concern in his green eyes.
‘I heard you screaming, are you ok?’
‘I’m fine, nothing happened. Someone was trying to drag me into the bushes but Xander scared them off...’
Xander looks really angry.
‘Austin, could you walk Clary to her cabin and stay with her? Don’t leave her unless I come back. Even if Brie and Hazel come back stay with her, I don’t know if whoever tried to grab Clary meant to harm her in particular or if it was just a random thing. That said, I am going to find out about Justin’s whereabouts and get Joel’s help and some flashlights and see if whoever attacked us has left any clues. Can I trust you that you won’t let Clary out of your sight?’
Austin nods and promises to be my shadow and the two boys give each other one of those handshakes with arm grab greetings that look so cool and brotherly.
They look at each other nodding and then Xander leaves.
Austin takes my hand and takes me back to my cabin: there’s no one there.
We get inside and he locks the door behind us.
‘If Brie or Hazel come back here, they have the key but it’s better to control who comes in or out. I don’t know if Justin grabbed you or if it’s somebody not from camp: 4 days ago, I went into town with Xander, he wanted to go buy a copy of Anna Karenina, and while he was looking at the books, I saw something about random attacks in the woods in the local papers...’
The idea of some psycho let loose around here is pretty scary, so I direct the conversation elsewhere.
‘So, did you and Xander know each other from before camp? You two seemed quite friendly out there...’
‘Xander and I are first cousins, you didn’t know?’
‘I... I didn’t...’
I gasp. So, I kissed both of them, I am having trouble to choose one and they are closely related. This just got worse!
‘We have the same last name, Bancroft... Our dads are brothers...’
‘So, nana Helen...?’
He smiles at the mention of his beloved nana.
‘No, she’s my mom’s mom but she knows Xander very well and treats him like her own grandchild. Xander and I have always been good friends, both traveling a lot, him with his parents jobs and us with our mom’s military career... We hadn’t talked in a few months when he and Joel told us about this job. He’s having some issues with his dad...’
‘I know, he wasn’t happy a few days ago when he talked to Evangeline...’
He seems surprised.
‘Do you know my aunt?’
‘I kept him company last time they Skyped, so...’
‘So you know Xander is going to have a baby step sister soon?’
I nod.
‘I didn’t know you guys were such good friends...’
‘We are, we got to know each other quite well this past week... I am very fond of him, he’s a great guy. Even if I admit that at first, I totally hated him.’
Austin smiles for the first time since Xander’s name was mentioned.
‘He comes across a bit arrogant at first, doesn’t he? One summer, about 3 years ago, straight after I graduated high school, he came with his mom to spend the whole summer in Hawaii with us and Brooklyn and I got him a douche jar. He had to put in a dollar every time he said something smart ass like...’
I laugh at that.
‘I bet he spent a lot of money...’
‘He filled 3 jars...’
I think I have to say something now. My heart is thundering in my chest, I know I have to say something...
‘But enough talking about my cousin, I was trying to get away from work all night but everyone kept leaving me in charge of stuff to go and have fun... I am so sorry that we never got to dance...’
He cups my jaw with one hand, tickling my skin right were the earrings he made me end.
‘I never got to tell you how absolutely beautiful you look, princess...’
He kisses me, slowly and gently at first and I can’t help myself but respond and wrap my arms around his neck, his leather and berry scent comforting my shaken nerves: it’s been an emotional night between the lifeguard tower and what just happened in the woods and being near Austin makes me feel safe and wanted.
His tongue traces the seam of my lips a couple of times before I allow him to deepen the kiss and hold me tighter against him, my heartbeat picking up speed as his kiss gets more possessive and demanding.
We sit down on my bed and he uses his body weight to push me down on the mattress, his hands skimming over my shoulders.
His fingers touch my skin gently and goosebumps start appearing where he touches.
He takes his t-shirt off and I see him shirtless for the first time: he’s about 2 inches taller than Xander, about 6’2” and while he’s defined and sculpted he’s the slimmest of the 3 boys.
Also, he has several tattoos decorating his chest and shoulders: I spot the name Helen above his heart and then a surrealist scene, reminiscent of the Dalì melting clocks on his rib cage.
I trace his nana’s name with a finger while his kisses leave my mouth and start trailing down my neck.
He bites me softly when he gets where my neck meets my shoulder and when I gasp in surprise he starts sucking at my skin while his hand leaves my arms and one of them cups my boob, really gently at first and with a firmer grasp, squeezing my soft flesh when I don’t stop him.
One of his knees settles between my legs and I feel him starting to get hard while the hand that isn’t playing with my boob skims under my dress and finds the edge of my bikini bottoms on my hip.
His fingers settle there on my skin, massaging my hip while his lips have returned to my mouth, kissing me with an urgency that I am starting to understand.
My body reacts to his attention: I feel the flesh between my legs starting to throb, almost ache and that tingle all over my skin everywhere his lips happen to touch.
His breathing is faster and mine matches that speed but while earlier I thought I was ready to go all the way, now I know that I am not and I will have to get him to slow down before it gets more difficult.
His hand leaves my boob allowing me to catch my breath for a moment but then he puts it inside the back pocket of his shorts and extracts a tiny foil package: he puts the condom down on the mattress, near my head.
‘Austin...’
‘Hmm?’
He moans, his lips again on my neck and both his hands inside my dress, on my hips, starting to tug my bikini bottoms down.
‘Austin, we need to stop...’
‘Why?’
He keeps trailing kisses down my neck
.
‘Austin, please, stop!’
I give him a push and he finally stops and looks at me with a mixture of concern and disappointment in his jade green eyes.
‘I’m sorry, princess. Didn’t it feel good? If there’s something in particular that you like...’
I put a hand on his arm, lowering my head to try and slow my breathing, our legs still tangled together.
I am really embarrassed to have this conversation again but I guess it’s my punishment for dating more than one guy.
‘No, it felt good. All you were doing... All we were doing felt good. It’s just that... I’m not ready.’
I gesture towards the condom, not daring to look at him.
‘I’ve never done it before and while I feel really attracted to you and I love talking to you and getting to know you... I am not ready to...’
I stop talking, my head low and my heart beating in my throat.
He doesn’t say anything for a few moments, then he disentangles his legs from mine and sits up taking my hand, his eyes dark and brooding.
‘You... You’ve never?’
I nod: is it that hard to believe? I am 16 for crying out loud!
He puts two fingers under my chin, forcing my gaze up to meet his.
‘I’m sorry, I had no idea. I... Clary are you mad at me? For assuming that you...’
I shake my head.
‘I’m not mad at you, Austin. But... I don’t know, things were moving too fast and I realise now that we don’t know each other that well. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lead you on. I’m just not ready to go there...’
Lake Emerald Chronicles: The First Summer: A Reverse Harem Romance Page 17