He sighs and takes my hand, then he tries to push me a bit closer to him but the concern in my eyes stops him.
‘Can I... Can I come closer to you? I swear I got the message, sex is totally off the table. ‘
I move closer to him and still holding my hand he says:
‘I’m sorry if I went too far tonight. I guess I misinterpreted your maturity in the way you talk and conduct yourself for... I have no excuse for assuming that you wanted to sleep with me. I know how this must look to you, me having a condom with me...’
‘It looks like you like safe sex...’
I try to lighten the mood with my lame joke and he smiles a little, lowering his head and bringing his lips closer to mine but not quite closing the distance to gauge my reaction: I don’t move and let him place a very light, brief kiss on my lips.
‘Can you forgive me? For assuming and for taking a few seconds too long to register that you wanted to stop. I wasn’t trying to force you, I swear. I was just so into you that I... I’m sorry, I’m a real asshole... I still like you a lot Clary, can we start anew? Can I get to know you better? I will just go way, way slower...’
I know this would be my chance to have a clean break and decrease my problem by a third but I can clearly see that we are both hurt and we need time to at least think about what’s happened and where we are at. I still like Austin and I don’t want to lose him but I guess how he will behave towards me from now on, will give me a clear answer.
‘I like you too...’
I decide to tell him everything, that I am dating other people and see how he reacts.
‘... You are forgiven for before. I hope you understand that I am also dat...’
The door opens abruptly and Hazel and Logan step in the room: Hazel is crying uncontrollably and Logan looks between me and Austin for a second but then comes towards us and tells me that he was coming here to find me, that he heard from Xander what happened earlier and he was worried but he bumped into Hazel and he couldn’t get her to tell him what was wrong.
‘So I brought her here, she won’t let me touch her...’
He tries to touch her arm and she jumps, her breathing becoming more laboured, her arms wrapping around her middle in a protective way.
‘Hazel, babe, what’s wrong?’
I try to wrap my arm around her shoulder but she cries harder and steps away from me.
I am starting to get really worried so I gesture to her to sit down on my bed and she finally sits, still crying really hard.
‘I... I...’
I ask Austin to get a glass of water from the bathroom and he does my bidding while Logan takes a seat on one of the armchairs in the room.
Austin brings the water and hands it to her and Hazel accepts it and takes a sip.
She doesn’t look at any of us when she says:
‘I was having so much fun, I was dancing with Rob and we went for a walk. He said he needed to get something from his cabin and I followed him inside. He kissed me, I was so happy that he finally seemed to like me and then it happened...’
‘What happened?’
I ask, not liking where this is going.
‘We were making out, he pushed me towards his bed and he was on top of me. I felt good until he undid my jeans and tried to take them off me. I told him to stop but he didn’t... He... It was my first time, it hurt so much...’
I am so scared that I can barely breath.
‘Did he...?’
She nods, starting to cry again.
‘I said no only once but then... It was like it was all happening to someone else: I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move... It was over quickly. He... He rolled over, zipped his pants back on and left me there. I think he was drunk...’
Logan and Austin look livid, they look at us but don’t say anything.
There’s only one thing that I can think about:
‘Babe, let’s get you washed up and into bed. I will stay here with you. Austin, can you go and get some Tylenol PM from the infirmary? And Logan, could you go find Xander? And Brie, possibly.’
I guide Hazel towards the bathroom and shut the door and then I follow Logan and Austin out to lock the door behind me and give them the key to let themselves and Xander back in. All of a sudden, a locked door seems more than necessary.
Logan leaves straight away but Austin waits until Logan is out of earshot before giving me an intense look and saying:
‘Clary, I hope you don’t think that my intentions were to do to you what Rob did to Hazel... I swear to god, as soon as I realised that you weren’t just trying to play hard to get but...’
I squeeze his hand and accept a brief hug from him: he might have taken a moment to stop when I asked him to but he did stop.
‘Don’t worry, Austin. I know you are nothing like Rob and Justin. Now please, go get me that Tylenol. We can talk more later.’
I run back to the bathroom to find my friend sitting on the shower floor, still fully dressed, the water making her make up run.
My heart clenches in my chest: this is too much to bear. I can’t even imagine how she must feel right now.
I go into the shower with her and push a strand of hair away from her eyes, sitting by her side, on the floor.
She lets me touch her and this is good.
‘Babe, we need to take your clothes off, wash you up and get you a clean pjs. Austin is bringing you some Tylenol and that will help you sleep...’
She whispers something and her voice is so low that I have to strain to hear her.
‘He... He didn’t use anything and my period was two weeks ago...’
She covers her face with her hands and cries quietly.
‘Ok, we need to sort that out. I will speak to Xander, maybe we can go into town and get you the morning after pill...’
She nods, still crying.
I get her out of the shower, help her change into a lose pair of shorts and tank top pjs and settle her on her bed when the door unlocks and my 3 boys enter the room followed by Joel.
Austin gets a glass of water and sits by Hazel’s side, giving her the Tylenol while Xander and Logan ask me for more details about what happened.
‘That motherfucker!’
They both say, furious.
‘Did you get her to shower?’
Joel asks and I nod.
‘You shouldn’t have let her. We should have taken her straight to the hospital to do a rape kit...’
His tone is quite harsh and Xander reacts to it, coming to my defence.
‘Hey, dude, easy! Clary just did her best to help her friend, she couldn’t have known...’
‘No!’
Hazel screams, tears streaking her face once again.
‘I’m not going to the hospital... I just want to forget this has happened...’
Joel’s gaze darkens and he walks towards the bed, his fists clenching so hard that his knuckles turn white.
‘He needs to pay for what he’s done, you cannot let him get away with...’
‘I am not even sure that he’s done anything!’
She cries harder.
‘He was drunk but I knew he was and I still went into his cabin. When I realised what was happening, I froze. I think I said no once but I am not even that sure. I didn’t struggle much, it was as if that was happening to someone else and I was watching it from nearby. It didn’t last long and then he rolled over, got up and left me there. I would be surprised if he even remembers it... Please guys, I don’t want to talk about it anymore and I want you to sleep next to me, tonight, Clary. Please, don’t leave me alone...’
Joel shakes his head in disbelief:
‘But you must report him, you must press charges... I will speak to Angie and...’
‘I am not pressing charges and if you call the cops, I will deny everything. And if you tell Angie, she will call my parents and I will be sent straight back home and what do you think will happen with Clary’s and Brie’s parents and all the other girls? Your aunt can s
ay goodbye to camp if this gets out. It’s all my fault for trusting Rob when everything he’s ever done made it clear that he’s not a nice guy...’
Joel struggles to let this go and protests that none of it is her fault and while I agree with him that Rob should pay, I also see Hazel’s point that it will be hard to prove that she didn’t consent and there’s no guarantee that Rob will ever suffer any consequences but the camp will for sure.
Xander is the voice of reason:
‘Guys, I think we should probably all try to get some sleep and we can talk about all this tomorrow morning, with a clearer mind. I promise you, Hazel that one way or another, we will take care of Rob. But it doesn’t have to be tonight. And after everything that has happened, I am staying here. In this room. I will take Clary’s bed if she’s sleeping with you...’
Logan joins in.
‘Me too...’
Xander nods and reassures the other two boys that Hazel and I will be safe under their watch.
8.
Difficult conversations
Logan and Xander both settle in my bed and it looks really strange to have two of my boys in the same bed together, especially because the animosity that seemed to exist between them just a couple of days ago is now gone and it looks like they might be on their way to a friendship which will only complicate my predicament.
But tonight my focus has shifted from my situation to my BFF: Hazel needs me and I want to be there for her as much as I can.
I get into bed with her and she looks at me drowsily, the Tylenol having its effect on her shattered nerves and sending her into sleep.
Before she closes her eyes, she scoots closer to me, nestles in my arms and whispers:
‘Thank you, Clary. I love you.’
I hold her tight and while I think that I love Hazel like the sister I never had, I also care for Brie and the fact that she’s who knows where, probably with Justin, keeps me awake until I fall into a fitful sleep marred by nightmares where I run through a dark forest with these gnarly branches scratching my skin.
I wake up with a suffocated gasp when my nightmare was turning for the worst with me falling over into a bottomless hole in the ground: my heart is beating fast in my throat but all of a sudden a big hand wraps around my waist while another, slightly rough one cups my jaw pushing me towards a hard chest.
I open my eyes to check what’s going on and I am somehow in Hazel’s bed sandwiched between Logan and Xander.
Hazel is sleeping in my bed and I have Logan hugging my waist from behind while Xander has guided my head on his chest: they are both sleeping peacefully and for a moment I consider falling back asleep and basking in the warmth and safety they provide but I hear the birds chirping outside and I see the day light filtering through the blinds.
Suddenly I think about the events of last night and feel really overwhelmed and in need of some fresh air, so I slide off the bed and walk onto the front porch still in my pjs.
I don’t even have time to inhale the crispy morning air when I see it: another note pinned to the front door.
I take it, my hands shaky when I open it: again it’s a photo collage and all the photos are from last night.
In the top one I am kissing Logan while we were dancing at the edge of the dance floor, the one in the middle portrays Xander carrying me into the lake and the bottom one is a shot of me opening my front door last night followed by Austin and he has both his hands on my hips in a way that definitely suggests a lot more than a friendship.
On the other side of the sheet, the same red crayon spells the words: “tell the truth or I will”.
I am angry, worried and fed up all at the same time: so the decision is quickly made.
I need to tell the guys that I have been dating them all because if they find out from whoever is blackmailing me, it will certainly be worse.
I know they will probably break off whatever it is that I have with each of them but hopefully if I come clean now, in time, they will at least forgive me enough to stay friends.
Will that make it any less heartbreaking? Not much, but I cannot think about not even being able to talk to them or hang out as friends.
I am in love with Xander and Logan and I have very strong feelings for Austin, which could have definitely blossomed into love if I got to know him better.
Now the only dilemma is, do I talk to them one by one or in a group setting?
I dwell on it for a while but then I decide that Logan and Xander are here now and I will talk to them as soon as they wake up, I will talk to Austin later on.
I go back inside my bedroom before I lose all my resolve and I find my boys awake, Xander is sitting on the bed, his gorgeous hair a bit mussed by the pillow and Logan comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his hips and little droplets of water running down his sexy, chiselled chest.
For a moment their hotness renders me speechless and distracts me from a mission that I am dreading anyway but I swallow all my fears before my resolve wanes and the situation worsens.
This could make my summer the worst ever: I will be certainly nursing a heartbreak by the end of today but I cannot take the guilt and the fear of them finding out from someone else any longer.
‘Morning guys...’
‘Morning, baby...’
‘Morning, sweetie...’
They say in unison and I push through the temptation to abort mission and ask them if they would take a walk with me.
‘Don’t you want to go to breakfast first?’
Offers Logan and I consider it for a second but every minute that passes, my trepidation and anticipation of the disaster that will come once I spill my secret gets worse and I doubt that I could eat anything until I get this off my chest.
We all manage to get changed out of our sleeping clothes and walk out in the morning sun.
‘Guys, we need to talk...’
I try not to sound too ominous but my nervousness definitely trickles into my tone.
They exchange another quiet look which is something they have been doing for a couple of days now and I wonder what it’s all about.
‘Should we be worried?’
Asks Logan with a tentative smile and I really don’t know how to reassure him so I don’t and ask them if there’s anywhere a bit private where we could talk.
Xander suggests the archery range since there won’t be anyone there yet and we head there: my stomach is in twists and knots.
Once we are in the middle of the target field, the boys sit on a bench and Xander pats a spot between them but I shake my head: I can’t sit down, I am way too nervous.
‘Ok, Clary, what’s the matter? You are making me nervous now...’
Says Logan.
‘Well, you won’t like what I have to tell you. But for as much as I hate to do this...’
Xander interrupts me:
‘Are you breaking up with us?’
I am so worried that I totally miss the “us” and I barrel ahead.
‘I made a mess of things. I have been kissing both of you and Austin. It started innocently, I liked all of you and I couldn’t make up my mind. I thought one of you would ask me to be his girlfriend and that would help me choose but none of you did. I promise I didn’t mean to lie or cheat, I don’t even know if any of you considered whatever you have with me as an exclusive relationship and I...’
Tears start threatening to pour out and my throat feels thick and achy when Xander extends one hand and takes mine, looking at me with fire in his turquoise eyes.
‘Ok, that’s a lot to digest, Clary. We’ll talk about Austin in a second but Logan and I did figure out that you were involved with both of us a couple of days ago...’
‘I’m so sorry...’
I look away, eyes fixed on the ground, my hand still in Xander’s.
‘Well, Clary, first of all let me apologise for not being more clear with my terminology: I should have used the word girlfriend, I guess. But what did you think I was doing when I told
you that I love you?’
His tone isn’t angry but he’s right. I guess I was scared I was misinterpreting his intentions and maybe in part, I played a bit daft because that allowed me to postpone making a decision.
‘You are right and I am so sorry. I guess a part of me couldn’t believe that a guy like you could want to date plain, nerdy, childish me... But I love you too, so much. And I am so sorry, I ruined everything with my indecisiveness...’
Xander is about to say something when Logan stands up abruptly, takes me in his arms and bursts:
‘I love you, Clary. I am sorry I didn’t tell you before, I was trying to find the right moment, to make it romantic... I certainly didn’t think I would say it with Xander sitting here... But I love you, I have loved you with all my heart since the first time I saw you two years ago and I thought you knew... Please, don’t break up with me. I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, please don’t dump me...’
‘I love you too, Logan.’
I tell him, now unable to contain my tears.
‘I ruined everything, guys. If now you hate me, I understand...’
I sob in his arms and he lifts my chin with two fingers and kisses me. It’s a chaste kiss at first but soon the emotions we both have been bottling up have the best of us and the kiss deepens and becomes desperate and intense.
I realise that I am kissing Logan in front of Xander and how inappropriate that is and I break the kiss panting, still crying.
‘I... Please guys, don’t hate me...’
Xander’s eyes darken when he stands up from the bench and reaches me with a few short strides.
I am still in Logan’s arms and Xander stands behind me, placing his hands on my hips and his lips close to my ear when he whispers:
‘You haven’t been listening to us, Clary. None of us hate you. If I am correct, we both just say that we love you...’
He kisses my neck, right under my ear, I am now being hugged by both of them.
‘But you will hate me, because I can’t make a decision between you and there’s also Austin... I have feelings for him too. I can’t say I love him only because I know him less than you two but I can’t think about losing him. I am a selfish bitch...’
Lake Emerald Chronicles: The First Summer: A Reverse Harem Romance Page 18