I smile at him: he’s so sweet.
‘I love you, Logan.’
He closes the distance between us with a kiss: soft and sweet, tasting of cotton candy with a hint of strawberry and cream.
His tongue tangles with mine slowly and sensually, one of his hands covering my ear and jaw and one caressing my waist.
He breaks the kiss for a second to bite on my bottom lip and starts sucking at it gently. His eyes are open and we are looking into each other’s eyes while he plays with my lips.
The hot water is relaxing me but the things he’s doing to me are actually making me feel really aware of every little sensation: the jets caressing my skin, the smell of jasmine in the air, the awareness of his strong body so close to mine but not quite touching me yet aside from our lips and where his hands are holding me in place.
I decide I want to be closer and lift myself up, going to sit sideways on his lap and hugging his neck with my arms.
‘Clary...’
He whispers and deepens the kiss again, one of his arms now holding me in place under my thighs.
One of my hands starts wandering down to his pecs and his abs and he must really like it because he presses me closer to him.
We kiss for a while until I realise that I want to be even closer to him and I spin around, straddling his hips with my legs, the fabric of my bikini touching his bare chest, my nipples hardening at the delicious friction this contact creates.
His body responds to our increased closeness by tightening up everywhere, including in his boxers where I now feel something hard against my inner thigh.
I move just a little closer to him and I kiss him harder while I fumble with one of my hands behind my back to undo my bikini top.
I take it off and throw it out of the tub: my boobs are completely covered by the water but I start rubbing myself against his chest, the skin on skin contact doing amazing things to my boobs and sending that buzz of excitement all the way to my belly and further down.
He moans at the contact between our chests and breaks the kiss to whisper:
‘Can I touch them?’
I nod and one of his hands immediately closes down around my full breast, his thumb teasing my already hard nipple.
A little moan escapes my lips and he groans, his breathing now coming in short, laboured puffs.
‘Maybe it’s time for the dead puppies...’
He murmurs closing his eyes but keeping his hand on my boob.
‘Maybe not, Logan...’
His eyes open again and he asks:
‘What...?’
I lower one of my hands and without saying anything, I stroke his hard length through his boxers.
His pupils dilate in surprise, a moan escaping his gorgeous, soft lips.
I touch him again and he pants:
‘Are... Are you sure, Clary? If this is too much, now is a good time to stop...’
‘Just relax, Logan. Please let me...’
He lowers his head, taking one of my nipples in his mouth, sucking on it, like he did earlier with my lip and now it’s my turn to moan.
‘Oh, my god, yes...’
‘What the fuck is going on here? What are you doing to her, you fucking scumbag?’
Joel is on the deck and about to get in the tub when I scream:
‘No, Joel, it’s fine! I... I wanted him to!’
He hesitates for a second and I climb off Logan’s lap, covering my boobs with both hands.
‘Can someone explain to me what the hell...’
Joel is fuming, his eyes as hard as granite, his jaw set, he’s shaking with rage.
‘Who gives you the right...?’
Starts Logan now glaring at him and about to get up and exit the tub.
‘I have every right! You kids shouldn’t...’
‘Can you stop it with this kids thing, already? Your girlfriend is actually younger than me so...’
I intervene.
He looks right in my eyes and says:
‘What are you talking about? I don’t have a girlfriend . But you... You are fucking around behind my best friend’s back...’
‘I am not.’
‘Your bikini top on the deck floor, suggests that you are lying...’
He lifts my top using one finger.
‘Look, dude, I would really appreciate it if you didn’t talk to my girlfriend with that tone...’
Logan’s tone is now as unyielding as Joel’s.
‘Come out of that tub and I will teach you to mess around with other guys’ girlfriends...’
Joel threatens.
‘Ok, enough, guys! Seriously! Logan, honey, please just go wait for me in my room. I’ll be there soon. I need to talk to Joel...’
Logan objects:
‘But I don’t want you to walk back by yourself...’
‘Joel will walk me back.’
‘But...’
‘Logan, do you trust me?’
I ask him and he nods and passes me a towel before walking away with one last glare at Joel.
I come out of the hot tub and I shiver: yesterday’s storm has considerably lowered the temperatures.
‘Come on, let’s go in the chrome-therapy room, it’s warmer in there and you can get dried off.’
I follow Joel and we sit down on comfy lounge chairs: normally the dark room with all these different coloured lights, the rainforest scents of the aroma therapy and the warmth of the room would be relaxing but I am really angry with Joel.
‘Ok, seriously, you need to stop walking in on me...’
I start and he interrupts me putting a palm forward, almost in my face.
‘Why are you cheating on Xander with that kid?’
‘Logan isn’t a kid and I am not cheating on Xander... Not that this is any of your business but...’
I explain the situation, including what happened with Austin.
‘And Austin walked away?’
He asks.
I tell him about my latest conversation with Austin earlier this morning and Joel shakes his head.
‘Wow... I... Clary, what the fuck? Three guys?’
‘It’s two of them really and you know, I don’t judge you for all the girls you juggle around. And I am in love with Logan and Xander, seriously in love, it’s not just that I am just attracted to them...’
His eyes are the darkest blue I’ve ever seen, like a deep ocean.
He’s looking at me, quiet for a little while until he asks me:
‘So, does Logan treat you well? I know Xander is one the best guys out there, I would let him date my sister, if I had one. But if Logan does anything to you...’
‘Joel, Logan is the sweetest, most honest guy I’ve ever met. You get what you see: he’s sporty, funny, affectionate like a big teddy bear and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. And he and Xander are becoming really good friends. I know it sounds unbelievable but they really are fine with each other. So, whatever is your reason for you to worry about me all of a sudden, I am loved, I am safe and the only worry I have is that I have damaged Xander and Austin’s relationship...’
He swipes a hand across his face and shakes his golden blonde hair.
‘I do worry about you, Clary. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. You aren’t like Jemma and Lucy and...’
I look at him not understanding what his deal is.
‘Joel, I appreciate the kind words you have for me but without wanting to sound bitchy, how do you even know anything about me? Before last week, you had never talked to me. Not one word and I should definitely know because up to last week, all I wanted was for you to talk to me and to get to know you. But truth be told, it was a childish infatuation, I know this sounds rich from a girl who’s dating two guys and would have totally dated a third, had he agreed to it but... Even if I didn’t have Logan and Xander, even if I still had my hopeless crush on you... I don’t think I could deal with all the girls, the passing them off to your friends when you are done with them, the not cal
ling Jemma your girlfriend, when she thinks you are together...’
Joel laughs bitterly.
‘So, you have me all figured out, you judged me?’
I shake my head and look at him, his eyes no longer hard but deep and sad.
‘I tried my best not to, Joel. And up until last summer, I had no idea about the stuff you did because I watched you from afar. Now...’
‘You are right, Clary. I am damaged goods and this is why I have always stayed away from you. Well, before last year, you really were a kid. Then... I heard the stuff you say, your witty jokes, I saw how caring you are with your friends. And I... I liked it. I liked you. But I am not a good guy, you are completely right about me. This is why I never talked to you. If I had come close to you, I would have ruined you and destroyed you like I do everything I touch. I would have taken your innocence and stomped on your heart until there was nothing left to step on.’
I don’t understand and I tell him:
‘What do you mean you liked me? You never talked to me, I wasn’t even sure that you knew my name...’
He smiles, tears starting to make his eyes shine with an anguish I struggle to come to terms with.
‘Two summers ago, I noticed you and I thought you were cute. But you were too young for me and I was dating Lucy. Seriously dating Lucy, can you believe it? We were each other’s firsts. Then during the winter, with the distance and everything, we decided to remain friends and I started thinking about you, how I would try to get to know you better and be patient with you because I knew you were younger and I saw how you weren’t as forward as other girls when it came to boys... But I had this plan to get to know you and... Be your boyfriend if you wanted me to...’
I look at him in complete shock.
‘You did? But you never talked to me...’
‘No, I never did. And unless my stupid jealousy hadn’t made me interrupt you and Logan earlier on, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation, Clary. I could cope with you being with Xander because I love him like a brother and I know how good he’ll be to you but...’
‘Joel... I don’t understand. I would have had my arm cut off just for you to notice me, for two years I’ve... Why?’
He shakes his head, one tear rolling down his high cheekbone. He doesn’t bother to wipe it away and I don’t dare touch him.
‘Something happened, two years ago, at New Year’s Eve. Did Xander ever tell you how we know each other?’
I admit that he hasn’t said much, just that they were childhood friends.
‘Our moms were best friends. My mom was a famous model too. She was just 3 years older than Evangeline and they met on a photo shoot shortly after Xander was born. I was a baby too. They became best friends, we grew up together. We were next door neighbours up to when it happened...’
‘What happened?’
‘Have you ever heard of my mom? She was Kristen Svensson. She was the best mom, so loving, so sweet she was good to everyone, too good sometimes. And my dad... He left her 4 years ago, for a younger woman. My mom... She started drinking, she spiralled down. She started using cocaine first and then mixing it with E and Oxy... Two years ago, I was out with Xander and my older brother Jake to celebrate New Year... I rang her at midnight to say happy new year, she had insisted that she felt a bit tired and just wanted a quiet night. When she didn’t answer, I got worried and convinced Xander to rush back home. When I got there, it was dark, it looked like no one was home. The tap in the kitchen was dripping, making that annoying noise...’
Another tear streams down his face, I still don’t move. I can’t.
‘I started calling out for her but it was quiet, so deafening quiet. I ran to her bedroom and I almost fell over a few empty bottles of vodka and empty medication containers.
And then I found her: she was naked, in her bed. A bedsheet was tangled around her legs. Her platinum blonde hair fanning out around her head and you’d think she was asleep but her eyes were open. Her dark blue eyes were glassy and still and she wasn’t breathing. There was white powder everywhere, all dried up around her nose and she must have dropped it when she... She looked so small and so young, too young to die...’
He stops talking, broken hiccups and an endless stream of tears interrupt his story.
He covers his face with his hands, trying to calm down enough to keep talking.
I want to touch him, I want to comfort him but I don’t dare, I don’t know how. I am scared to do or say the wrong thing.
‘Everyone, including Xander and my brother and aunt Angie keep telling me that I have nothing to do with what happened to her. But I think if I had stayed behind when she said she wasn’t feeling all that well... If I hadn’t gone to that party that night... If I had been a better son...’
‘Joel...’
‘My therapist said she wasn’t my responsibility, my asshole father told me the same. I went to live with Xander and Evangeline for a few months, until the school year was over. Then living next door to where it all happened... It was too much. So I decided to move in with Angie. She’s mom’s older sister by fifteen years, but they were really close, Angie practically raised her. And now she’s been trying to raise me and what a fucking disappointment I am to her too...’
‘Joel...’
‘No, Clary. Why do you think I never talked to you? After I lost my mom... Something snapped in me. It’s as if the guy I was when she was here went with her. I am broken, Clary. And I taint and destroy everything I touch. I started sleeping around because having someone in my arms helped me feel less empty and I couldn’t bring myself to care about any girl because what’s the point in loving someone just to lose them and be left empty and alone? But then even the occasional hookup wasn’t enough. I started fucking any girl who would even talk to me, I am good at deceiving them, making them think that I want them and then I move on and when they get all tearful and heartbroken, the only use they have for me is to go and fuck my so called “friends”, who are total scumbags for even entertaining the idea of passing a girl around but so am I, Clary.’
‘You...’
‘How could I ever have talked to you? You would have liked me and I would have made you believe that I cared. I would have used you and tossed you aside because this is what I do and I don’t know how to stop. Because if she came back, she would hate me and since she’s gone forever, so is her son...’
His throat tightens and the tears start again and this time I hug him tight and he rests his head on my chest, crying all his tears. There’s nothing sexual about it, I don’t even realise that I have no bikini top under the towel.
I touch his blonde hair, soothing him, his arms wrapped around my waist, my body moving with his sighing, his tears warm against my skin.
Joel calms down and eventually lifts his head and looks in my eyes with his blue eyes still shining with tears.
‘Clary...’
He puts a finger under my chin, his eyes moving down to my lips: am I going to let him kiss me? I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to, I don’t know what it would mean and I don’t know if I should or not but I wait.
He eventually looks back up to my eyes and whispers:
‘You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now. But I can’t and I won’t. I don’t know if I ever will, if I will ever be safe enough to come near you. And I don’t know, maybe if that day will ever come, it will be so that Xander will understand and won’t kick my ass. I know that now he would. Not out of jealousy but because he loves you and he wants to protect you.’
‘I... I don’t know if I will ever want you to kiss me, Joel. Had it been a week ago, I would have actually done anything you asked me to. I would have given myself to you without hesitation because you were my dream guy, for two years. But now... I would be too scared to hurt you and be hurt by you and anyway, nothing could ever happen between us without Logan and Xander’s permission. I love them so much that I would die rather than hurt them. I risked to break their hearts already and
instead they understood and they both love me... I would never betray them.’
He nods.
‘This is why I won’t touch you, Clary. Because of that tenderness and how big your heart is...’
He places a kiss on my forehead and stares into my eyes, a small smile forming on his lips.
‘But we could be friends. I am really good at staying away from you and I will never cross the line, I promise. But I want to know you, Clary. And you are my best friend’s girlfriend so we will hang out anyway... I promise that I can be a good friend...’
‘I know you can, or Xander wouldn’t love you like a brother. He never told me anything about what we just talked about but he said that some stuff had happened to you and it wasn’t his story to tell... Yes, we can be friends, I would love to. But you have to promise me to work on treating Logan a bit better. He isn’t going away, Joel. And I can’t have you two fight every time you cross paths.’
He promises.
‘I believe you told Logan that he should wait for you?’
I nod.
‘Ok, let’s get you there before he thinks that you stood him up for someone better and obviously more attractive...’
He smirks and he reminds me of Xander for a second but it’s fleeting and his impenetrable facial expression returns.
‘I... hm... Need to walk in something more than this towel. But I put my clothes in the picnic basket to avoid getting them wet by accident and Logan took that away...’
Joel laughs.
‘Shit! I could so get to see your boobs, it’s my second chance tonight and I am going to be a gentleman instead. See? You are already rubbing off on me. Take this...’
He takes his t-shirt off and hands it to me and then he turns around to give me time to put the t-shirt on.
‘Thank you.’
He wraps his arm around my shoulders and we walk outside in the cool summer night.
He gives me a hug goodnight and I enter my bedroom where I find Logan asleep on my bed, so I snuggle close to him, feeling safe when he surrounds me with his arms and whispers my name in his sleep.
10.
Lake Emerald Chronicles: The First Summer: A Reverse Harem Romance Page 25