SLUT
SLUT
SLUT
SLUT
That completely does me in and all of a sudden I can’t breath, the sky is closing in on me.
With the nasty note still in my hand, I stand up and run towards Xander’s cabin.
I need one of my boys, hopefully his tennis lesson will be over soon and I can wait for him.
I run blindly through my tears and I bang on the door.
‘Xander! Xander!’
I cry now hysterical.
The door opens but it’s Joel’s ocean blue eyes I find myself staring into.
‘Clary... Clary, sweetie, what’s wrong?’
He asks full of concern but I can’t talk, I can’t stop shaking and when he hugs me to him, I cry into his naked chest, calming down only a fraction when I inhale his scent of sunscreen and soap.
His strong arms surround me and a hand strokes my back in a soothing manner.
When I calm down enough to loosen the grip on the note, I hand it to him and when he looks at it and reads the back he swears:
‘What the fuck? This is just... Who’s the sick pervert...’
His words open my floodgates again and hiccups start shaking my chest.
Joel lets the note fall on the floor and cups both my cheeks in his hands.
‘We’ll find out who’s doing this to you, Clary. And in the meantime, the others and I will protect you. We’ll never leave your side. I promise, sweetie, you are safe...’
His lips start kissing away my tears from my lids, my cheekbones, my jaws. At first it’s totally innocent, almost brotherly but when his lips get to my neck, I realise that we are both breathing harder.
He hugs me tighter to his body: I’m still in my bikini and he had just changed into his swimming trunks, so there’s lots of skin to skin contact.
His lips travel back up my neck and jaw, kiss my chin and stop a breath away from my lips.
His eyes are so close that I see some white flecks in the deep ocean blue.
‘Clary...’
He whispers with one hand in my hair and the other one at the small of my back, pushing me closer to him.
Our noses touch and he starts tilting his head: Joel is about to kiss me and my world stops for a second while I consider what this would mean, the implications and the fact that I really don’t want him to.
‘Joel, please, don’t...’
I pant and he stops just short of touching my lips with his. When he speaks, his fresh breath makes my lips tingle.
‘Why? Don’t you feel the same way I do for you, Clary? I want...’
‘I don’t know. And you don’t know either. You promised you wouldn’t until you were sure, until you were ready. I cannot open my heart to you now, Joel. I am too scared of the consequences. Please be my friend, I need you...’
His face moves slightly to the side, away from my lips but our foreheads are now touching and his hand is caressing my face again.
‘A part of me is ready Clary. But I will be what you need me to. I won’t let anything bad happen to you, sweet girl. Just please don’t shut me out. You are right, I wasn’t thinking, I need to change, I need to deserve you and know that you are safe if you let me in...’
He kisses my cheek and I feel a tear spill from him and mixing with mine.
My back is against the wall and his body is crushing mine, our fronts touching and our arms entwined.
The front door opens with a slam and Austin barges in calling my name and the words die in his throat when he sees us hugging against the wall.
‘What the fuck? What are you doing to Clary? Joel, let her go or I...’
‘It’s not what you think...’
I call out to him, still crying.
‘Austin, please...’
He stops, frozen in place and Joel extends his arm to hand him the note he’s still holding in his clenched fist.
I am crying, inconsolable, my head on Joel’s shoulder, his other arm wrapped protectively around me.
‘Motherfucker! Who could ever be so sick?’
Is Austin’s reaction.
Then he approaches me and Joel moves aside and I am crying in my boyfriend’s arms.
He guides me to the couch while Joel calls Logan and Xander on the walkie talkies.
Austin’s scent of leather and berries calms me down and he murmurs sweet nothings in my ear while stroking my hair.
‘Princess, I’m so sorry. We will figure out who’s doing this to you and I promise...’
The cabin’s door slams open again and Logan and Xander enter the lounge panting as if they had run and rush to my side.
When Austin shows them the note, it’s their turn to swear and they crowd around me, Xander sitting on the other side of me and Logan at my feet.
I am still crying, now quietly, I know I am surrounded by the only people who will protect me no matter what.
‘Baby...’
Xander’s eyes are dark with worry and Logan places a kiss on one of my knees when I take a shuddering breath and say:
‘It was in my book. Inside my beach bag. I haven’t touched the bag since yesterday afternoon and it has been in my room. So someone has entered my room...’
I start crying again and Joel puts a cup of ice tea in my hand and then sits on the coffee table facing us all.
‘So... Let’s think about this. Who could have done this? This last one is way meaner than the other notes you got... Definitely more graphic.’
‘Well, obviously not Brie or Hazel...’
I say leaving Austin’s embrace and seeking refuge in Xander’s arms. He flinches a little bit when I put my head on his chest, as if it hurt.
I’m about to ask but he whispers in my ear that he’s fine.
‘What about Jemma?’
I’m surprised that the question comes from Joel and I object.
‘But we are friends now and how can you think that? She’s your girlfriend!’
Joel shakes his head.
‘Not anymore, I ended things with her last night...’
‘How does this have anything to do with Clary?’
Asks Austin.
‘She accused me of being into Clary... We got into a huge fight and I told her that I had enough. First of all because Clary and I are just friends and also considering that she has a serious boyfriend back in Connecticut...’
He puts emphasis on the word “friends” and his ocean blue eyes are fixed into mine.
‘Apart from last night, when could anyone have had access to the bag, Clary?’
This is Xander’s question and I think about the answer for a short while.
‘Yesterday afternoon on the beach: I went for a swim with Joel and we stopped at the wooden platform... We talked for a while...’
Logan groans.
‘This means practically everybody could have slipped that note on...’
Xander agrees:
‘Yes, Logan is right. Yesterday Justin was at one of the towers, so was Rob...’
I intervene.
‘What about Hayley, Lucy and Leah? They hate me because they have a bet on who sleeps with Austin... But I don’t think they know about us...’
Joel disagrees.
‘Well, someone must know about you and Austin, he featured in all the photos, since the first note you got...’
‘I bet it’s Justin. If I got to talk to him, I might get him to admit it...’
Logan says slapping his fist on his open palm: that’s so out of character for him, he’s normally the most peaceful person in the world, despite his big size. This must have really rattled him too.
‘The other thing to consider is that it might be more than one person working together...’
States Xander.
I ask him why he says that and he considers that the style of this latest note seems different than the other 3 I got.
‘It’s more graphic, more intimidating and more mean spirited...’
The guys decide that one of them will be with me
24/7, short of letting me go to the toilet by myself, there will always be one of them in the same room.
‘We have to fear that whoever sent you these notes might be the same person who tried to grab you and Leah in the woods...’
Joel wonders if he should tell Angie but after much debate, we agree to wait until we have at least a suspect, right now we are really clueless.
‘Also, we might want to have a look at the computers and printers at the media and art centre. It’s not like around here printers and cameras are that easy to come by...’
Observes Austin.
‘But most people have cars and even though is quite a drive to town, they might have got the photos from their phone and got them printed there...’
This is Xander’s opinion.
‘Well, let’s look into the equipment here: maybe we can find a clue. If not, we can assume that whoever the psycho is, they have used outside equipment. So, who’s doing what and who is hanging out with Clary and when today?’
Plans Joel.
Logan and Xander say they have something to do but they absolutely call dibs on dinner with me.
Austin has to finish inventory as he had just left the art centre to go get himself breakfast.
‘That leaves me. I have nothing to do until later on, do you want to go for a drive?’
We set off in his challenger and I think about how I would have given my left arm to sit in a car, alone with Joel only a month ago.
Now even though I trust that he would never force himself on me, I am nervous after he almost kissed me.
Do I still like him that way? I obviously find him incredibly good looking, that hasn’t changed at all but while I think there’s definitely goodness in him and my heart breaks for the loss he’s experienced in his life, I wonder if I can risk being involved with him at an emotional level.
At a physical level? He makes Xander and Logan look like newbies and I think even Austin, who by his own admission has had a few sexual partners, being 2 years older than Xander and Joel, could probably be considered inexperienced if compared to Joel.
I admit that I don’t think that Joel realises that dating someone like me and having a serious relationship, would mean putting up with a lot frustration not only because I am not having sex right now but also because I am still very new at everything beyond a kiss.
It would be like giving a first grader a book like “war and peace” or “Ulysses” and expect the child to read it and understand it before he can even know the alphabet.
We are driving towards town and I am lost in my own reveries, looking outside the passenger window.
‘You are awfully quiet, Clary...’
Joel breaks the silence tearing his gaze away from the empty, straight road through the woods.
‘Just thinking...’
‘Are you ok, now? I know that note really rattled you and I don’t blame you... But the other boys and I will keep you safe, I promise...’
‘I know... I appreciate you helping...’
Joel looks at me again and sighs.
‘Clary, I’m sorry about before... I...Shit, I am not going to lie to you: I really wanted to kiss you, real bad.’
‘Joel...’
‘No, I understand. We agreed on being friends and you are dating my best friend and Austin who I have known for a long time too... And I know I haven’t been a good guy but I swear I will change and show you that I can be worthy of you...’
I look at him without talking and he continues:
‘This is why I broke things off with Jemma. It was a hook up for me, nothing more. I admit that meaningless sex is losing not only it’s appeal, it’s leaving me empty inside. And this is why lately I’ve been pushing boundaries that I should have never crossed. Like the threesomes, asking girls to sleep with my friends... I think it’s a way to tell myself that I can control my life by controlling people. But I don’t know, the truth is that we are never in control and the littlest thing can throw your life upside down in less than one second. But Clary, I will quit being like this. For myself and for you...’
‘Joel... I... I don’t know if I can give you what you want. And in all honesty I am really scared about getting involved with you. I am inexperienced and maybe you were right that I am a silly little girl. Xander and Logan seem to understand that and they are going out of their way to go at a pace that won’t scare me off... With Austin...’
Joel slows the car down and looks at me again, his eyes hard and dark like sapphires:
‘Clary, please tell me that he didn’t...’
‘Oh god no... He didn’t force me to do anything and we didn’t do... It. I just felt as if I was falling from the edge of a cliff: the stuff we did, while it wasn’t really much more than what happened with Xander and Logan... It’s hard to explain, I felt exposed, the way he talked to me, the...’
‘Did he talk dirty to you, is that what you are trying to tell me?’
‘No, not really. But he definitely pushed me way out of my comfort zone. And I know he was trying to go slower than he would have normally have...’
‘Well, without knowing what happened between you, I can’t really comment...’
I tell him about last night and Joel pulls the car over and turns to look at me fully.
‘Ok, yes, I see what you mean. If he’d just touched you it would have been one thing but asking you to touch yourself in front of him or showing him how you’d do that is... It goes deeper and I can see how you would feel exposed. But you have to tell him if it’s too much, Clary...’
‘This is the thing: it felt hot and Austin is gorgeous and I could feel that he cared about me and I wanted to do it, to please him. But in all honesty, maybe we went a bit faster than I would have been comfortable with him. It would have been ok with Xander or Logan...’
‘It sounds like you don’t trust Austin...’
‘It’s hard to explain. I trust him when he says that he loves me. I love him too but he hasn’t opened up to me like the other two or even you. I don’t trust him with my heart yet because he has broken it already once and I am scared to be vulnerable in front of him, in case he does it again... So yes, maybe I went further than I should have gone last night but now it’s too late to take it back...’
Joel cups my cheek with one hand and his eyes are serious when he says:
‘Yes, you cannot take it back but you can slow down and tread more carefully. And if he loves you he will understand. And I am not trying to look like the knight in shining armour here because god knows that I am no saint but just know Clary that I understand and this is why I want to apologise for earlier. But even now... If it was down to me following my heart, I would kiss you. Instead I am going to kiss you like a friend would...’
He lowers his head and kisses my cheek, delicately, his thumb stroking my skin.
‘Goddammit, you smell like cupcakes!’
He starts the car again and says:
‘Let me take you to lunch. Let’s wander around town for a bit and then we’ll go back. I promise I will try to control my feelings. But just know that I care about you. A lot.’
The rest of the drive passes in a comfortable silence, the radio on a low volume, just as a white noise: I know that this friendship won’t always be easy because that line might become blurry a few times but Joel understands me too, talking to him always makes me feel better in a similar way that talking to Xander does. I think there’s a lot more to him than the hot looking guy who is always surrounded by girls and goes through them faster than I go through lip gloss. I want to know what’s in his heart, what makes him tick but right now everything inside him seem to be shrouded by this deep rooted pain. I want to desperately catch a glimpse but I don’t know if I would do any good to him or myself by allowing us to cross the line towards more than friends. Especially since I did have that huge crush on him up until a few weeks ago, that could cloud my judgment and right now I need to protect both of us: he could hurt me in many ways, by cheating, by using
me like he has done with every girl he has come close to lately but I could hurt him too by allowing him too close before my heart is fully in it and then having to retreat.
While the other boys could have taken something like that, not that I ever intend to do anything of the sorts to them, if I realised that I made a mistake once I got involved with Joel, I am too scared of what that would do to him. Despite his outwards hardness, Joel is very fragile inside and I understand that because sometimes I have felt a similar fragility within my own heart, for example when it comes to Austin.
Joel parks the car in the town centre and we exit the vehicle into the overcast and not too hot weather.
The town is quaint, with little mom and pops shops dotted all over the Main Street. We browse at a few windows and stop at the book store where I can’t resist and buy 3 more books, since I have almost finished the one I am reading now.
‘So, what do you want for lunch?’
I tell him that I am not sure and he suggests a diner:
‘They make the best chilli cheese fries I have ever had...’
I smile.
‘Oh, you know my weakness, don’t you?’
He laughs.
‘I think the first summer you came to camp, you must have eaten the restaurant out of French fries every day. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone so fond of fries...’
I slap him playfully on a bicep:
‘Seriously, I know I’m a piggy but you don’t have to highlight it...’
‘Oh but it was the cutest thing ever! So, chilli cheese fries? I promise you won’t regret them...’
I laugh and tell him that I don’t think it’s possible to ever regret French fries.
We enter the diner and the young waitress leads us to a booth overlooking the front of the the restaurant and Joel surprises me by sliding in close to me rather than sitting opposite.
He sits close, our arms and outer legs almost touching and then he sets those dark blue eyes on me with a tiny smile: just one corner of his lips lifting.
Ok, Joel makes me nervous. And for full disclosure I am trying not to squirm under his gaze: he just looks at me and says nothing and I don’t know if I want to know what he’s thinking.
While Logan will always tell me what is going on in his mind and Xander and I are very much in tune emotionally, Austin and Joel have this look in their eyes when they are deep in thought.
Lake Emerald Chronicles: The First Summer: A Reverse Harem Romance Page 34