He puts his other arm under my neck and around my shoulders so that I am surrounded by his arms and then he twists me around a little so that we are lying sideways, his front against my back.
Our heads are close, on the same pillow and he rests his nose right under my earlobe, his chin and lips on my neck.
He places a soft kiss on my neck and then whispers:
‘Sleep, cupcake. I’ll be here to watch over you, you are safe.’
I think I won’t sleep a wink: I’m upset about Austin and the possible break up, the encounter with Rob and Justin is the stuff nightmares are made of and even if in the end nothing happened, I can still feel Justin’s fingers trying to pry open my mouth.
I think about Joel: how up until a month ago he had never even talked to me, how just looking at him superficially he seems to be a really bad boy who uses girls and then casts them off to his disgusting friends.
How I came to camp hoping he would notice me this year and how it was a little girl’s dream because he does look like a fairytale prince but now I know some of the depths that are hidden behind his good looks and confident attitude: he acts like this cool, bad boy but I now know the pain he hides and how he tries to push it deeper down with every girl, every hookup, every cold stare he gives to the people who aren’t admitted in this cool group of friends that I thought he loved being a part of.
I know I probably haven’t even scratched the surface of all the stuff that he keeps bottled up inside and I admit that the idea scares me and attracts me at the same time: I really think that if I let him in, if I give him more than my friendship, I risk to get my heart shattered to pieces by Joel’s own admission.
And I also fear that something like that could affect my relationship with Xander and Logan.
But I am starting to catch glimpses of the guy Xander talks about, the wonderful friend, the sweet, caring boy who would do anything for the people he loves.
The bad, dangerous boy and the wonderful one are both wrapped in this gorgeous outer packaging: the golden blonde hair, dark blue eyes, the sun kissed skin, the rippling muscles and lean, tall physique.
He says he cares and he always has but has kept his distance, first because I was too young and then for fear of ruining me.
I wanted to be close more than anything in the world but now I am conflicted: the attraction is there and I feel it in every part of my being and I know Logan and Xander would be completely ok with the situation if I decided to be more than friends with Joel.
But am I ready to give him what he needs from me and risk everything if he can’t quit the life of fast hookups, easy girls and meaningless relationships that he has been living?
Am I ready to risk losing Austin for good? Because I suspect that he wouldn’t be as accepting as Xander and Logan.
I feel Joel’s lips on my neck, he’s not kissing me, he’s not moving and he’s keeping his word that he’s just comforting me and protecting me: the only thing that gives away the tension and the hope that we could be more than friends is that his lips are on my neck rather than on the pillow.
His arms feel like home in a very similar way than Xander’s do and I already know that whatever happens between us, we won’t be able to go back to being strangers and this is why I haven’t let him kiss me or do anything that would cloud the waters even more: we need to discover first if what we want is possible without sending our worlds and our hearts crashing down if things don’t work out.
I think I won’t sleep a wink but his even breathing, his warmth, his protective and soothing hand on my stomach lull me into a peaceful slumber.
***
Joel
She’s in my arms, so sweet and vulnerable and yet so strong, determined and everything I want with every fibre of my being.
Clary is spirited, smart, funny, stubborn and adorably nerdy. She isn’t a cool girl, always worried about her looks and hanging out with the cool crowd and being mean and putting people down in order to shine brighter.
She is caring and courageous, she’s pretty and witty and doesn’t even know how sexy she is when she moves, when she smiles, when she lifts her bright eyes from a big book.
She’ll quote dead poets and vintage 90s tv shows, she’ll tell you what she wants without trying to manipulate you into doing her bidding, she’ll tie you to her by setting you free, she will love you or hate you for who you are and not for who you appear to be.
This is why I broke things off with Jemma and I haven’t seen Tatiana the numerous times she showed up here or called her back after the countless messages she left at reception.
This is why I haven’t been in Lucy’s room or hooked up with Hayley or gone to one of the bars in town to meet new girls.
I know, it’s not that big a deal that since the night of the storm, I haven’t slept with anyone.
It’s been a couple of weeks, so not this huge thing, right? But for who has known me recently, in the last couple of years, it would be shocking to see me hanging onto this girl who has rejected me when I tried to kiss her and wants to be my friend. And I am changing just not to lose the chance to be her friend and have her in my life in whichever way she chooses. The emptiness and disgust with my own ways that I had felt recently hadn’t been enough to spur me to change, if anything it had made me spiral down even further in my own self destructive debauchery.
The fear of losing Clary? It’s the incentive I needed when every word she says to me, every look and every smile that she gives to me and only me is like a balm to my wounds.
I don’t want to think of what I would do if she decided that I am not worth the risk, I don’t think I can do this by myself and find my way out of this hole I dug myself into.
And crazy as it might sound, Xander and Logan are a huge help too. When I see the way that they are with her, the way they act with others, it’s where I need to go. Maybe not back to what I was when mom was here, that Joel is lost forever but they show me who I can and want to be.
I hear her breathing even out: she’s asleep in my arms, completely abandoned, my hand on the smooth skin of her stomach.
I know I should take my lips away from her skin but it’s the only thing that I am letting myself have right now. I’m being her friend, her shoulder to cry on, a protector she might need only because if two other men gang up on her, she isn’t physically strong enough to fight them off but I know she is in no way meek or helpless.
My Clary is a fierce, feisty little thing with the most voluptuous, sexy body I have seen in ages: she isn’t skinny but she is shapely, perfect and juicy, with a hourglass figure and the face of an angel.
Feeling her in my arms is better than I dreamed of and of course I wish I could do much more than just hold her, at least kiss her, make her feel good, god knows I know how to.
She stirs a little in her sleep, pressing herself further into me and my body reacts to it in two different ways: my heart starts beating a bit faster, happy butterflies taking flight in my stomach and no, I don’t feel girly saying that: guys get butterflies too.
And in my pants things start hardening and tightening up because after all I am a man and I can’t help how my body reacts to a gorgeous woman.
I need to try and calm down because I know that if I did anything about what my body wants, I would lose everything.
***
Clary
I open my eyes and my room comes into focus: I’m in bed and someone is holding me tight in his arms and I know straight away it’s Joel, even before the veil of sleep is completely lifted from my mind because I smell his unique sunscreen and soap scent.
I feel warm and comfortable, his hand is still warming up my stomach.
I think he’s asleep, his face in the crook of my neck and... Yeah, this thing about boys getting hard when they sleep, never gets old and never ceases to amaze me: girls are boring that way, we sleep, we wake up and then so be it. I guess for a boy it’s like never being completely asleep? The thought makes me want to giggle but I try t
o keep it in so I don’t wake him up.
My heart is beating a bit faster: I’m in bed with Joel and the irony of the fact that I have dreamed about something like this for years is not at all lost on me.
I want him and for a minute I let myself think about how it would feel to kiss him: would his kiss be hot and very skilled liked Xander’s, sweet like Logan’s or intense and a bit bossy like Austin’s? What would he taste like?
But then I force myself to snap out of this dangerous reverie: now it’s not the time, it’s too soon and by Joel’s own admission, he’s dangerous to get involved with.
If I really want him, he can’t be a fling and unfortunately with him things can’t be as light and easy as they had started off with Xander and Logan. There’s already a level of intensity between us that makes sure that if we ever cross that line without being sure that we are 100% in it, we risk to come crashing down in a blaze of fire that might destroy everything with the other boys too.
I already know that loving Joel would be something life changing and I need to make sure that we are all protected against the consequences if things didn’t work out. I have to make sure that he really knows what he’s getting into and of course none of us could tolerate his sleeping around and the things that he’s been doing: the other day he admitted that once he had sex with three girls at the same time.
He moves against me and I think he’s waking up, so I start moving away from him but his hand is still on my stomach, so I can’t go that far.
‘Hey...’
He whispers.
I turn around to face him but his arms stay wrapped around me, our fronts now almost touching.
His dark blue eyes are so deep that I could get lost and stare into them forever but I know it isn’t what I should do and so I force my eyes down, settling them on the collar of his red t-shirt.
One of his hands comes up to cup my face and he kisses my brow, his lips so soft and warm that I wonder again how they would taste on mine.
He continues to kiss my face: my cheek and my jaw line, stopping before getting to my ear lobe.
His forehead touches mine and our noses are touching too.
When he speaks, his voice is lower than normal:
‘Clary, I’m sorry. I am really trying. Do friends kiss like I just kissed you? Your cheeks and your face...Is that neutral enough territory? Because I know what you don’t want but I can’t stay too far from you, I just can’t.’
I stroke his jaw feeling a hint of stubble starting to appear but it’s invisible because it’s so blonde.
‘I don’t know, Joel. I guess we can make our own rules? I have a couple of very good male friends back home but they never kiss me or hold me in their arms so I guess our friendship is different?’
‘I guess it is...’
He agrees, giving me another soft peck on the forehead and moving his lips along my temple.
He’s still hard, I felt it when he shifted slightly and our fronts came into contact for a brief moment.
If I said that he doesn’t affect me physically, I would be a big, fat liar and I don’t know if he realises that or not.
I hug him a bit closer and we settle with him on his back and my head on his chest. We are both fully clothed and still our contact feels intimate but in a different way than with the other boys: now the three of them have all seem me naked, we’ve shared our bodies in a few ways and there’s an intimacy and possessiveness when they touch me.
With Joel is still foreign land, all of it.
I tell him that I feel better thanks to the ibuprofen and his warm hand on my stomach and he places his hand back on it, this time over my tank top.
‘Clary, maybe you don’t know, because I haven’t told you this but I would do anything for you. Even as friends, you only need to ask and I would just give you whatever you want. I know words can be easily uttered but I mean what I say, cupcake: it was easier not to know you and want you because now I can’t go back, I can only move forward and this means that I have to change the way I’ve been. But sweet girl, I know my mom wouldn’t have liked the guy I’ve been since the day she was gone. But she would have really loved you. You remind me of her in many ways: you are gorgeous and you are smart but what you are inside is more important...’
I love that he thinks his mom would have liked me and I suspect I would have been fond of her too by the things he’s been saying about her, before she got addicted to all sort of things.
I try to lighten up the conversation and say:
‘Yeah but I’m a girl and I still love shoes and clothes and all things shiny...’
He laughs.
‘I know, don’t think I haven’t noticed that you have quite the dress sense: after all don’t forget that Xander and I have grown up surrounded by clothes and shoes and all these models...’
I touch the tip of his nose with a finger and smirk:
‘Yeah, and yet you don’t know the difference between bronze and gold...’
‘Hey, I’m still a guy...’
He protests and I smile at him with my best sultry look.
‘Yeah that’s right, I noticed you are...’
He asks me what I mean and I blush so he knows I noticed that he got hard while he was sleeping next to me.
‘Hey, that can’t be helped. Unless you want to grow a moustache and a unibrow and I still don’t know if that would make you unattractive enough in my eyes...’
We stare at each other quietly for a moment: I know he wants to kiss me and I wonder if it really is too soon when the door opens again and Austin barges in.
‘Clary, princess, I’m sorry about earlier...’
He stops dead cold on the threshold and takes in Joel in my bed, his hands cupping my face.
He takes a step back and before leaving he seethes:
‘I don’t believe this! But maybe I shouldn’t be that surprised. So, you want to slow down with me while you try your luck with my cousin, Logan and now even Joel? Well, be careful with this one, you might catch a nasty disease, you know he’s been around. But maybe he’s a good match for you. I think before you turn eighteen you might catch up with him... I’m out, princess. Be happy and go as fast as you want with the others, I’m sick of your games!’
He walks out after giving me a disgusted look and for a second both Joel and I stay frozen in my bed, his hands still on my face.
‘Austin, no...!’
I cry getting out of bed to go after him and I make it almost out of the door before Joel catches my wrist.
‘Let me go after him, Joel, please. He misunderstood everything, he...’
He doesn’t relent.
‘Not by yourself, Clary. Don’t forget what happened a few hours ago. Actually, cupcake, I think it’s time to speak to Angie about those two assholes. I hope we can persuade her not to call your parents but things have gone too far to ignore it. You aren’t safe by yourself...’
‘Nothing happened...’
I try to object but he doesn’t let go.
‘That was because I got there before they could really do anything to you... And you and Leah have been attacked...’
‘But you don’t know if it’s them and if we tell her about the notes, she’ll know I am dating more than one boy...’
He won’t budge.
‘Clary, we don’t have to tell her about the notes just yet but she needs to know about what Justin and Rob just did to you and maybe even about what Rob did to Hazel...’
‘No, please, Joel. Hazel would never forgive us...’
‘Ok, but we’ll tell her about what they have been doing and saying to you. She doesn’t need to know anything else. We’ll get her to fire them and that’s it. Come on, please listen to me on this one, Clary. Trust me...’
I realise that he’s right and I reluctantly follow him uphill to reception, my hand in his and my heart thundering in my chest, hoping that I won’t be on the red eye back to LA.
The Reception building looks understated from outside
but as soon as you enter Angie’s office, you can see the former Supreme Court judge in all the furniture and decor: it’s all dark wood and deep browns and creams in her office.
She is only 55 and was a Supreme Court judge for a short time, she left to raise Joel after her sister’s suicide. She was older than Kirsten by over 15 years.
You can see the family resemblance with Joel: they have the same dark blue eyes but Angie’s hair is platinum blonde, not the golden colour I find so attractive on Joel.
She’s demure in a beige sheath dress and she lifts her eyes from a pile of papers when we enter the room.
‘Hey, Angie. Can we talk to you for a second?’
He doesn’t let go of my hand and I see his aunt’s eyes dart briefly towards our interlaced fingers but she doesn’t say anything about it.
‘You just have 5 minutes though, because I have an important phone call coming soon: you know I was looking for an investor to buy another stretch of beach and I just got one and we are going to talk about figures to expand and build more cabins and a state of the art water sports centre, way bigger than the few facilities we have now... Rob’s dad seemed really excited about the investment when we last spoke. He bought 20% of our shares...’
Joel and I look at each other in shock: Rob’s dad owns part of Lake Emerald Camp? This makes everything harder. How can we tell Angie about what Rob has been doing when his dad now owns a substantial part of her business?
We look at each other and silently decide that we need to reconsider what and if to say anything to Angie, because this complicates everything.
‘Joel, baby, could you do me a huge favour? Could you get the blue folder I left in my car? It should be in the trunk...’
He is about to drag me out with him but Angie stops us:
‘Clarissa, just keep me company while he goes fetch that folder, I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks and I just spoke to your grandad just last week... Let’s catch up a little...’
Lake Emerald Chronicles: The First Summer: A Reverse Harem Romance Page 37