I snap.
‘I believe what I see. And you are one to talk, since you won’t believe that I am not doing anything with Hayley...’
‘No, I don’t...’
I say bitterly.
‘Well, then we are done here. Have a nice life, princess. Too bad that I do love you...’
‘I love you too, Austin but maybe it’s not enough...’
He walks away and Joel stands there looking at me uncertain about what to do.
‘Clary, that’s really fucked up...’
I sigh, trying to avoid another crying session: I feel like I have no more tears left for today.
‘Yeah, well, it’s over...’
Joel shakes his head.
‘I don’t think it is. The last thing you both said to each other is I love you, how can that be it?’
‘I don’t know, Joel. I am just tired of complicated. Austin makes everything so difficult. With him I’m out of control: when things are good they are just unbelievable. He’s smart, he’s affectionate, hot and so sexy that again, I lose all control and I don’t even know what I’m doing until it’s too late. Maybe Logan is right that it’s because of the age difference. I know for a fact that my mom would hit the roof if she knew I have been dating a 20 year old...’
What I don’t tell him is that my mom would hit the roof at everything I have been doing this summer.
‘But when there’s a problem, Austin closes up, judges and gives ultimatums and walks away if he doesn’t get his way... With Logan and Xander and with you, there’s a dialogue, we talk... With Austin it’s impossible...’
Joel hugs me again: his chest hard but comforting at the same time.
‘Yeah, maybe Logan is right. Austin definitely brings out the stubborn side of you, cupcake. If I think about how understanding and forgiving you have been with me...’
‘It’s because you open up and let me in, you share your feelings... Austin thinks he’s always right and has everyone else figured out...’
I spend the rest of the day with Hazel and Logan, playing board games and watching movies.
I haven’t spent as much time as I want with my BFF, she’s been quite withdrawn since bonfire night but I am grateful to Logan because he has spent with her every free minute he hasn’t been spending with me, he’s been her rock.
The morning after, Xander has an early tennis lesson with Angie, who has decided she wants to learn to play and no one’s a better teacher than Xander.
Logan and Hazel aren’t early risers and I leave them both asleep in my room as I walk to the front door where Joel is waiting for me for a morning work out.
He looks unbelievable with athletic shorts and a fitted sleeveless blue t-shirt that does nothing to disguise his ripped body: I can see his abs through the thin fabric and he catches me staring at him but he’s a gentleman about it and doesn’t call me out on it like Xander would out of his love for making me blush.
I’m wearing a skort: one of those shorts that look like a skirt which I like because it makes me still feel girly but also protects my modesty during a workout; I paired it with a green tank top and my hair is collected in a braid.
We walk to the gym in a comfortable silence: I admit this year with all the boys drama, I haven’t worked out as much as I normally do, so it will be nice to break a sweat for a change.
We warm up on the stationary bikes and then Joel asks me if I want to work with some weights which I agree to.
He’s really fun to work out with but I suspect he’s toning down his normal regime by a lot because while I am a sweaty mess, he looks as fresh as a rose, not one bit of sweat and he isn’t breathing hard at all.
Things are ok until I work out on my legs and abs, then he gives me some small weights and he shows me some exercise for my arms where I have to extend my arms like I would do if they were wings and hold the weights and then lower them and lift back up as if I really had wings.
I start on it and after a few times he stops me and stands behind me, asking me to hold my arms up in the starting position but stay still.
‘You need to do the movement correctly or you could injure yourself, cupcake. Let me show you...’
He extends his arms and grabs my wrists gently and moves my arms the way he wants me to do it.
Now, how did I think that coming to the gym with him was a good idea? This is torture in so many ways: I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose or if he even knows the effect he has on me but his closeness is doing all kind of things to me.
I feel his warm breath on my ear and neck while he talks to explain the exercise, his chest is touching my back and I feel his hard muscles flexing with each movement.
His groin is lined up with my ass and even if he’s not fully hard, I can feel that our closeness is starting to affect him as much as it is doing me.
I stop lifting my arms and I stand there: my wrists in his grip, his body touching mine. The only redeeming factor in this situation is that he’s standing behind me, so I can’t really see him.
Now, to be honest I know that I should walk away but I want, I need to enjoy his closeness for a few more moments.
Only a few weeks ago, this would have been something I would have imagined while daydreaming and I would have snapped out of it knowing that Joel didn’t even know that I existed.
He breaks the silence whispering in my ear:
‘Is everything ok? Did I push you too hard? Do you want to take a little break?’
It takes me a second to be able to talk and make sure my voice doesn’t give away how worked up I am.
‘Hmm, I’m ok. Sorry, I just got distracted...’
Don’t ask me how but I know he’s smiling and he steps closer to me, his head now resting on my shoulder, his lips grazing my ear when he speaks.
‘I know. It’s very hard to concentrate when we are so close. I know I need to step away but I just want to feel you like this for a second, please Clary, don’t be mad at me...’
‘I’m not mad. Or maybe I am a little. Because I like it too and I don’t want you to step away but I know it would be better if you did...’
There, I am going to be honest with him.
He moves and I think that the spell is going to be broken but he just twists me around and takes the weights out of my hands to then step closer to me, our fronts now touching and his dark blue eyes fixed into mine.
‘Do you want to kiss me?’
He asks, his face so close to mine, our noses touching and his breath tickling the sensitive skin of my lips.
I feel on fire, I do want to kiss him but I also want to tell him the truth.
‘Yes...’
He doesn’t move.
‘But?’
‘But you promised that you would only kiss me if you were sure that I was what you wanted...’
‘True.’
‘Am I?’
I ask, my heart thundering so loud in my ears that I fear I won’t hear his answer.
‘Yes...’
‘But?’
‘But while I know that you are what I want and I have all these incredible feelings for you, I have to be sure that I am ready to be the boyfriend you need. That I won’t freak out and hurt you by doing something stupid...’
‘Fair enough...’
I say and the reasonable thing would be to step away from him but nothing when it comes to Joel is reasonable in my mind and heart, so I stay there, close to him, hating and enjoying this sweet torture at the same time.
‘Could we just pretend for a second that all those feelings aren’t there? And just be a boy and girl who find each other really attractive and just kiss? Just this once, until the next time, when I know it’s safe to be more than friends?’
He asks.
‘No...’
That one word costs me more than anything I have ever said.
He rests his forehead on mine and asks:
‘Why?’
‘Could you promise that if you kiss me now you’d sto
p at one kiss? Because I can’t. I know I already want more than just one kiss. And I know that if you kiss me now, we won’t be able to not kiss next time we are alone... Am I wrong?’
He kisses my cheek, dangerously close to the corner of my mouth: his lips are warm and soft and his breath minty.
‘No. You are right. But I promise that I’m working on my feelings, on getting where I need to be for you. I don’t want to scare you off like Austin did too, Clary. I know that you are intimate with Xander and Logan but I need to know that you’d be able to tell me if I’m going too far with you.’
‘Yes, that’s been something that has been worrying me, Joel. I know if possible you are even more experienced than Austin and I am not exactly...’
His face moves to the side but he hugs me tighter.
‘Do you want to know one thing?’
His hands are on my back, he’s wrapping me in a all encompassing embrace and I anchor myself by hugging his hips.
‘Only if you want to tell me.’
‘I might have had a lot of sex, but I’ve never made love to anyone. And I know we haven’t even kissed and we won’t for a bit but I want to make love to you... And I’m excited and scared to get there with you, Clary. Because I can’t scare you or disappoint you or...’
‘Well then, I guess when you will finally kiss me, we’ll get to know each other on a different level than we do now. But don’t be worried about scaring me off: I don’t know, you don’t feel as bossy as Austin did. See, with him it would be a problem even to walk away from a single kiss. It’s hard to explain...’
‘No, I understand. I promise that I will be controlling with you only if you ask me to...’
He says with a smile that again reminds me of Xander’s when he’s trying to provoke me.
‘Oh, really? Like when you will make me beg?’
I ask with a smirk referring to the tale Jemma told Brie and the other girls and he takes a couple of steps forward flattening me against the wall and pressing himself against me until I let out a whimper.
‘Only if you want to play that kind of game, Clary. Right now I’m about to beg you...’
His body is so hard and strong and my knees are turning to jello together with my resolve not to mess things up with my dream guy: my tortured, gorgeous, fragile fairy tale prince.
His face is very close to mine, his cheekbone touching mine, his mouth on my ear, placing soft kisses all over it.
He takes a soft nibble on my neck, right under my jaw and of course he can’t know yet how sensitive my neck is and how turned on I get when I get kissed there... This is becoming harder by the second, if he doesn’t stop, kisses aren’t going to be our problem, I am going to give him everything I have right here on the gym floor...
I seem to have lost my voice or more than anything, I don’t want to ask him to stop, so I do the next best thing and I slap one of his buttocks with one of my hands.
Boy, he’s got a firm ass, but that’s for another time, his reaction is really funny because he steps away, his eyes wide with surprise.
‘Ouch...’
He laughs.
‘Sorry, when you kiss my neck, I melt and it was either that or start taking my clothes off...’
He looks at me in shock:
‘Well, then, definitely wrong choice, cupcake. Taking your clothes off beats me being smacked on the butt...’
I laugh at the redness spreading on his face: he obviously didn’t know how much he really affects me.
‘Yeah but then this whole friendship thing, would have become a thing of the past...’
‘Oh, no. We could have stayed friends... Friends with benefits...’
That makes me giggle.
‘I see that you and Xander take from the same page when it comes to douche bag lines... He said the same thing to me before our first kiss...’
He smiles and shrugs at the same time.
‘We are like brothers. I wish I would have acted like he did and got to you first, Clary. But Xander hasn’t made all the mistakes I have, so he deserves you and I need to deserve you too. And I am trying, god knows I am...’
He takes my hand and says:
‘I think we both deserve a shower and a glass of ice tea. The ice tea together, the shower, alas, separately...’
I laugh, relieved that he is ok with everything and a small part of me wonders if I am not making things too hard for Joel: I am asking him to put so much on the line... What if he decides he’s ready for a relationship and then when we kiss or get to know each other more intimately, we find that we don’t like each other that way? Wouldn’t it be better to know earlier? But if I have to be truly honest with myself, if I have to judge by the way he makes me feel with only one touch or taking my hand or whispering in my ear, I know that I am worrying for no reason.
We go to my cabin and each of us takes one of the bathrooms.
I give him some extra towels and he finds some of Xander’s clothes in my wardrobe that he decides to borrow.
When I get out of the shower, I still can’t shake the way he made me feel earlier on: the way I react to his nearness is very similar to how it is with Xander, only I feel more worried about how many girls Joel has had.
A squeal distracts me from my thoughts:
‘Eek, what do you think you are doing half naked in my bedroom? I am not Lucy, sweet pea, you either date me or you don’t get to play!’
I rush to the other bedroom and find Jemma covering her chest with the bikini top and Joel stunned and dripping water on the bathroom’s threshold, only one towel wrapped low around his sexy hips.
He moves his wet hair away from his face and tries to explain that he was just using the shower, he wasn’t trying to get a hookup with Jemma.
She gives him an annoyed look and then turns her gaze to me.
‘So, if you two are a thing, does it mean I can try my luck with Xander?’
I have to keep myself from bitch slapping her after kissing and telling on Joel and because of her obsession with Xander.
‘No, Jemma. I am still dating Xander, Joel and I are just very good friends. We got to know each other better, since I am dating his best friend...’
Technically, I am not lying.
‘Sure, you are only friends! This one here couldn’t be just friends with a girl if she had a moustache and 3 boobs! And you can see a mile away that he’s into you...’
‘Jemma, we are just friends and you may not put any moves on Xander!’
I declare.
She narrows her eyes which look way bigger without her glasses on.
‘Hmm, then maybe the rumours I’ve heard are true that you are sleeping with Xander and Joel, you lucky slut!’
Joel reacts instantly.
‘Hey, Jems, I don’t appreciate you calling Clary that name. And she’s not sleeping with the both of us. She’s dating Xander, she’s my best friend’s girlfriend and my friend...’
‘Whatever! You just don’t want your aunt to find out... And Clary is obviously worried to get a slutty reputation...’
Joel and I look at each other: she seems to know something about me dating more than one guy and she keeps calling me a slut. Could it be that Jemma wrote those notes?
‘I thought we were friends, Jemma... Why would you talk to me that way?’
I say and she looks at me with rage in her brown eyes:
‘I thought we were friends too, until you stole my boyfriend!’
‘I did not steal your boyfriend...’
I protest.
‘I don’t think I ever asked you to be my girlfriend, Jems... We were just hanging out...’
Clarifies Joel.
‘Oh, really?’
She challenges folding her arms over her ample chest.
‘Well, considering that you do have a serious boyfriend back home, I didn’t think that you were even interested... Plus, if we are talking about reputations, you do know mine...’
‘Well, Joel, it isn’t nice to be dumped,
you know?’
She whines and Joel rolls his eyes.
‘How could I dump you if we were never together to begin with? We slept together a few times, it was just sex, Jemma!’
He isn’t yelling and he isn’t sounding cold like he was with Tatiana, but I can hear the frustration in his voice.
‘I know. I just wasn’t done with you...’
She whispers looking at the floor.
‘I’m sorry but did I ever lie to you about what we were?’
Jemma shakes her head.
‘No. You mentioned it was just for fun when I told you I had a boyfriend...’
‘Ok. So are we good?’
He asks and she nods.
‘Yes, we are. But I am still mad at Clary for stealing you away...’
I try to explain her that I am seriously not sleeping with Joel but she is adamant.
‘I see the way he looks at you, sweetie pie. And he’s always with you and the way he always has his arm around you when Xander isn’t there...’
‘We are just friends and Clary has been harassed by Justin and Rob, so I am keeping her safe when Xander cannot be around...’
He explains and she declares that at this point, if Joel isn’t interested and Xander isn’t available, she will look at Matt or Austin.
‘Do you have to hook up with someone?’
I ask her and she says that her boyfriend is in college, so she doesn’t seem him that often and a girl has needs too.
In the past I would have judged her more harshly but now god knows I understand needs and frustration.
‘Just be careful, Jemma. Matt is involved with Ella and he’s Brie’s ex. You know how Brie is with girl code...’
‘Well it’s either one of them or Logan. But he seems into you too...’
This conversation is tiring me: she can do whatever she wants. I know that my boyfriends won’t be interested and she can fight Hayley for Austin. If she wants to mess with Brie’s men, she won’t know what hit her.
I go change into my bathroom and Joel goes to get dressed in my room.
***
Two days later, I am out and about town with Brie and Hazel to shop for a dress for Miss Summer Camp.
Lake Emerald Chronicles: The First Summer: A Reverse Harem Romance Page 42