Since I Found You (Crystal Springs Romances: The Wedding Chapel Book 2)

by Mary Jane Morgan

  “I’m so sorry,” Paige said, trying to hide her relief. She pulled up a chair and sat by the bed. She heard the door behind her open and close and was glad Tiffany had been gracious enough to give them their privacy. “Do you have a relative who could possibly watch her?” Paige asked, barely able to take her eyes off the sleeping infant, whose rosebud mouth twitched into a smile as if she knew a secret. One of her tiny eyes started to open, then closed. Oh, the wonders of a newborn.

  “No one can watch her,” Jocelyn answered. “Mom works, plus she wouldn’t be good to her, and my dad left when I was little.” Jocelyn chewed on her bottom lip. “My therapist says I was vulnerable to the attention of a man. Like I needed a shrink to learn that bit of news,” she ended with an eye roll.

  Paige wondered why she’d never sought therapy about her own deadbeat dad. She should have, she realized with stark clarity. “You’re a smart young lady. I’m proud of you for going to a therapist for help and making good grades for college. You should be proud of yourself. You kept up your grades even pregnant and unsure of your future.”

  “Thanks. I’m kind of proud of me, too.” Smiling, Jocelyn offered a finger to her baby and the infant grabbed hold. “Not so proud of getting myself in this mess, though.” She shifted her gaze up to Paige. “You want to hold her?” she asked softly.

  “I would love to hold her.” Jocelyn slowly handed the baby over. She snuggled right into Paige, whose heartbeat became erratic as love like she’d never experienced, except when she’d held her own baby, flowed through her. She kissed the newborn’s forehead, felt her velvety smooth skin and soft brown hair brush her lips. “She truly is beautiful, Jocelyn.” And I already love her. For the first time in Paige’s life she knew for certain she had what it took to be a good mother. The realization slammed into her. No wonder she hadn’t been receptive to Justin’s idea of surrogacy. Holding this innocent newborn felt like a gift from God—a sign that she was not only worthy to be this baby’s mother, but meant to be her mother.

  Jocelyn swiped at a tear. “You will be a good mom to her. I can tell.”

  Paige’s throat burned with emotion. Holding this infant felt healing and right on every level. “I’ve already fallen in love with her,” she admitted.

  Jocelyn nodded then looked down at her lap, picking at her short fingernails. “I named her Caitlyn. You think maybe I could see her some when she gets older?”

  Paige reached out and touched the girl’s arm. “Of course, you can. And when she’s old enough, we’ll tell her all about this day.”

  Jocelyn burst into tears and covered her face. “Thank you,” she muttered behind her hands. “Thank you so much.”

  Paige ran a hand up and down the teen’s arm. “You are very welcome,” she said, thinking she should be the one saying thanks to this young girl whose heart was breaking.

  The door opened and Paige turned to see Tiffany, a knowing smile on her face. “How’s it going in here?”

  Paige smiled. “I owe you, Tiff, but mostly I owe Jocelyn. Are you sure about this?” she asked the teen.

  Jocelyn nodded even as tears streamed down her face.

  Paige stood and reluctantly handed the baby back to her mother, her arms feeling empty with longing as the baby settled back into Jocelyn’s arms.

  Paige had to clear her throat to speak. “I’ll get the paperwork done. You don’t need to worry about any of the legal work or the cost of it.” She leaned over and kissed the baby—her soon-to-be-baby—and wanted to shout for joy. Instead, she took Jocelyn’s hand and held it. “You are a remarkable young lady. I’m proud of you.” Without thinking, she leaned down and kissed the teen on the cheek. “I will see you tomorrow.”

  Jocelyn caressed the top of her baby’s head, then glanced up at Paige. “You are a good and loving woman. It’s such a relief to know my baby will be well taken care of and loved.”

  Paige fought down tears and wrapped her arms around Jocelyn. “Yes, she will, honey. And I love the name Caitlyn. That will be her name if it’s okay with you.”

  “That’s awesome,” Jocelyn said around a fresh flood of tears.

  Paige gave her one more hug, touched Caitlyn’s plump cheek, and straightened. She had a lot to do, but it was hard to leave. With one more glance at the sleeping baby, she forced herself to walk out of the room. She’d only walked a few yards down the hall when Tiffany caught up with her. Paige stopped and leaned against the wall, wrapping her arms around her waist. “I can’t believe this. I’m about to become a mother.” She gave Tiffany an unsteady smile. “How can I ever thank you?”

  “The look on your face is thanks enough, and I am tickled pink this worked out, not just for you, but for Jocelyn.”

  “I promised her she could come visit Caitlyn, be a part of her life. I think Caitlyn will thank me for that someday.”

  “This is the happiest ending that could have happened for all parties,” Tiffany said. “I’m so excited for you, Paige. Call your lawyer right now and have her draw up the paperwork, then we’re hitting the stores. There is a lot to do before baby Caitlyn officially becomes your daughter. And once she gets settled, I’m throwing you a baby shower.”

  Paige grinned, feeling giddy. “My baby,” she said on a happy sigh. “Oh, my God, I’m going to be a mother,” she squealed, her heart overflowing with happiness and love that coated her like a much-needed and long-awaited healing balm.

  * * *

  Paige took the empty bottle nipple from Caitlyn’s mouth, watched as the baby continued to suck and smiled. It had been three days since Caitlyn had become hers and she had never been so happy. Yet she still thought about Justin. She thought about him a lot. She’d never tried to call him all this time, because until she’d held Caitlyn, she hadn’t known why she’d been so reluctant to adopt a baby or go through a surrogate.

  Kissing Caitlyn on her velvety smooth cheek, she breathed in the smell of sweet baby and smiled. Standing, she placed her in her bassinet and turned on the baby monitor.

  Grabbing her cell phone, she went to the living room and sat, toying with the idea of calling Justin and apologizing for the way she’d acted. Maybe even try and explain what she’d finally discovered about herself. She wondered if he’d even talk with her. Before she could worry her way out of this, she tapped his name and waited, her nerves jangling like bells in the wind as his phone rang.

  She was about to give up when he answered. “This is a surprise. But a nice one,” he added. “I didn’t think I’d ever hear from you again. How are you?”

  “I’m good. Actually, I’m really good.” Her comment was met with silence. “How are you?” she finally asked.

  “Moving on,” he said tersely.

  “Oh. Well, I guess that’s, ah, to be expected,” she stammered, wondering if that meant he already had another woman in his life. The thought stung. She frantically tried to think of something so say, but her mind had gone blank. After what felt like a month of silence, her brain finally kicked back in. “I’m sorry I bothered you,” she said and quickly disconnected, wishing she’d never called. “God, what was I thinking?” she muttered. Justin had every right to be upset with her, to even hate her for how she’d discarded his suggestion about children. If she’d known then what she knew now about herself, she would have agreed to his idea and given them another chance.

  But she hadn’t. End of story.

  What in the world had possessed her to call him? He would be an idiot to try to make things work with her again after the way she’d reacted to his attempt to solve their problem. And even worse, her total silence these last two months.

  And she couldn’t blame him.

  Holding back tears, Paige headed for the bathroom. Might as well take her shower while Caitlyn slept. No telling when she’d have peace and quiet again. Not that she cared. This baby had filled the empty space in her heart to overflowing, and she was so grateful to finally be a mother. To feel like a mother—a mother who had enough confidence to know she could
make a loving and stable home for this baby girl.

  She turned on the shower and stripped out of her clothes, remembering when she’d first laid eyes on Caitlyn. The moment she’d held her, it hadn’t mattered one bit that this baby had not come from her body. She couldn’t have loved her more.

  Smiling, she stepped under the hot spray, thankful beyond words for this opportunity to be a mom. This baby was her present and her future, and that’s what mattered the most in Paige’s world, not Justin’s terse words earlier. Justin was her past, and she was the one who’d put him there, so it was time to forget about him and make a happy, caring home for her and Caitlyn.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Justin wiped down the bar for about the third time in so many minutes, not able to pull his mind away from Paige’s call. Why had she called him anyway? If he hadn’t been so irritable with her, he might know the answer to that, but when she’d said that she was doing ‘very good’, it had sucker punched him. Knocked the wind right out of him and made him angry. How did she expect him to react to her damn news of being so good? Why had she even called him?

  He tossed the wet rag into the bar’s sink and turned to his assistant manager. “I’m leaving for a while. Close up if I don’t come back.”

  “Sure thing.”

  Justin strode out of the pub and got in his car. Ten minutes later, he pulled in front of Paige’s house and killed the engine. The house was pretty much as dark as his mood. Why did he even care what Paige had wanted when she’d called?

  Yet, here he was, sitting outside her home, jumpy as a seventh grader on his first date, and debating whether or not to start his car and head back to the pub like anyone with sense would do, or go find out why she’d called.

  He muttered a curse, wishing he could let this go and walk away without ever looking back, but he couldn’t. He shoved the car door open and headed up her sidewalk, determined to find out not only why she’d called, but why she was doing so damn good. He sure wasn’t doing all that great, but after this final visit with Paige was behind him, he was determined to start doing a whole lot better.

  He knocked on the door and waited. And waited some more. “Dammit,” he muttered, turning back toward his car.

  The door opened and he whirled around. Struck mute by the sight of Paige, he stared for a long time. She’d obviously just showered because her hair was damp and she wore a robe. “I guess I was a bit irritable when you called,” he finally said. “Thought the least I could do was apologize in person.”

  She stepped aside and motioned him in. He almost turned and went back to his car, but decided to follow through on this visit. No way could he put this relationship behind him without hearing what she had to say, even if that meant finding out why she was doing so terrific, when he was dragging himself through every day like a zombie.

  Figuring he might as well get this behind him, he strolled through the door and braced himself for the outcome of this visit.

  * * *

  Paige was so shocked to see Justin on her front porch, she wasn’t able to think straight. Why had he shown up unannounced, especially after his terse reply to her earlier? Her stomach fluttered like paper riding a gust of wind, and she pressed a fist against it. So much for convincing herself she was on board with never seeing this man again.

  “Would you like some coffee?”

  “A beer would be better. If you’ve got one,” he tacked on.

  “Have a seat,” she said, going to the kitchen and grabbing a beer from the refrigerator and then pouring herself a glass of fresh green tea. Before she could go back to the living room, Sassy raced into the kitchen and wove through her legs, almost tripping her. “Guess you finally woke up.” Paige set the drinks down and quickly fed her kitten. She gave Sassy a pat before grabbing the drinks and returning to the living room, where she handed Justin his beer then set her iced tea in a coaster on the end table. “Let me go get dressed. I’ll be right back.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “I’m not going to snarf you down like my last meal, Paige.” His gaze coasted over her. “The robe has you plenty covered up.”

  She responded to his remark by tightening the belt before sitting on the other end of the couch.

  He took a pull on his beer. “Why did you call me?”

  She stiffened her spine. He obviously wasn’t going to make this easy, but just as well. She needed to say some things to this man so she could move past him. She grappled for the right words. “I discovered something about myself recently, and I think you deserve to know about it.”

  He arched his brows. “And why would I need to know about it?”

  “Try and hold your sarcasm until I’m done,” she shot back.

  He gave her a nod to continue. Darn him for making this so difficult. She cleared her throat and tried not to notice how sexy he looked in his low-slung jeans and yellow Polo shirt that hugged his muscled chest.

  “A lot has happened since we last talked.”

  “You mean since that talk when you—the lady who said she loved me and wished more than anything she could have children—flat out refused to even think about surrogacy when I suggested it?”

  “Do you want to hear this or not? I’m none too eager to spill my guts, so if you’d prefer to leave and spare me this, feel free.”

  Justin turned and set his beer on the end table, then settled back on the couch, one arm resting on the back of it. “Sorry. Does it have anything to do with you feeling great these days?” he asked, irritation in his voice.

  “Yes, as a matter of fact.”

  “I don’t want details of another man in your life,” he growled, his eyes narrowing.

  The man was jealous. Pure and simple. She tried to swallow her laughter, but the delight she felt knowing he was jealous gave her hope, which she quickly squelched.

  “This isn’t funny, Paige. What do you want to tell me?”

  She took a sip of her tea to wet her dry throat, then set it back down. “When you suggested adoption or surrogacy, I wasn’t thrilled, but I didn’t understand why. Now I do, and I thought maybe you’d want to know.”

  “Go on,” he said, leaning slightly forward.

  She scrambled for the right words. “It’s hard to verbalize this.” Looking away from him, she tried to compose herself. “I guess there were two parts to my reaction. The first part, I did understand. You’d known I couldn’t have children for a while before you ever mentioned the possibility of adoption or surrogacy. It made me feel…” She hesitated, searching for the right words and decided to heck with it. “I wanted to be the most important person in the world to you. For weeks, I yearned to hear that what mattered the most to you was me, not my ability to have your baby.”

  He ran a hand down his face, and she noticed for the first time how tired he looked. “You were the most important thing to me. It just took me a while to figure that out.”

  His words made her feel weepy, but she refused to give in to that sentiment. “That may be, but it hurt. The thing is, Justin, I’ve never been first in any man’s life, not even my own father’s, and I deserve to be a top priority with someone.” He started to say something, but she held up a hand. “In addition, something has happened that’s made me realize a part of me never truly believed I deserved a man’s love. Or that I could be a good mother. I guess on some level I still felt that something about me had driven my dad away. And my husband. And once I realized that wasn’t true, then I also realized I hadn’t been ready for a man to love me the way I deserved. And I certainly wasn’t ready to be a parent.” She glanced down at her tightly clasped hands. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I discovered I couldn’t be open to genuine and lasting love when I didn’t feel worthy.”

  “Awww, Paige, I hate that you felt that way. You’re definitely worthy of love. In fact, you’re about as loveable as they come.” He reached across the couch and took her hand. “What happened to make you realize all this?”

  She swallowed hard. “Tiffany tal
ked me into going with her to see a baby at the hospital who was about to be put up for adoption.”

  Justin let go of her hand with a frown. “Let me get this straight. One word from Tiffany about a baby up for adoption and you rush to see it. But when I mentioned adoption, you flat out weren’t interested.”

  “Don’t make it sound like I thought you were the problem. That’s not the way it was.”

  “Feels that way to me.”

  “I’m sorry if you feel that way, but I went to see the baby because Tiffany was more persistent than you. At first I did balk, just like I had with you. No way was I interested.”

  “Because?” Justin asked, watching her closely.

  “Because I’d figured out I didn’t trust myself to be a good mother,” she all but shouted. “There. Are you satisfied now?”

  “No. I’m hurt that you didn’t feel as if you could talk about this with me.”

  “Don’t you see? I didn’t know when you brought up adoption what I came to realize when Tiffany told me about this baby.”

  “Why didn’t you call me when you figured it out?”

  She dropped her head into her hands and scrubbed her face as she fought for control. “Are you a lawyer in your spare time, because I feel like I’m on the damn witness stand?”

  “Sorry. Go on,” he said, running a hand over his day-old beard.

  “When Tiffany showed me the parents’ pictures and the ultrasound of the baby, I wanted to see her, but I was terrified. Terrified I’d fall in love with her, and then what would I do? And I did fall in love with her. The minute I held her in my arms, my heart melted, and I had the gut-wrenching realization that fear of not being able to be a good parent was a big part of what had kept me from responding to your suggestion about adoption or surrogacy.”