Returned to the Light

by C. M. Radcliff

  chapter seven

  LYDIA

  “AND THAT’S ALL HE SAID? That he’d call you?” Cara sits beside me on Pierce’s black leather couch. She repositions herself, tucking her leg underneath her, turning to face me.

  “That was all he said,” I tell her, taking a sip of my wine. Three days had passed since I called Ryder. And I still haven’t heard anything from him. I didn’t expect him to call me the next day, but I didn’t think this much time would pass. I was only going to be here for another week and a half.

  “Fuck him,” Pierce interrupts, walking into the room. He takes a seat on the recliner next to the couch, with a beer in hand. “You’ve gone this long without him knowing. Is it really worth it at this point?” he asks.

  “Seriously, Pierce?” Cara glares at him. “I’m not on his side or anything,” she glances at me, “but wouldn’t you want to know?”

  “Well, yeah,” he takes a drink of his beer, “but that’s different. I never would have given you the chance to take off.”

  “You don’t know that. She didn’t want to be found, and if it were the same for me, I would have done exactly what she did,” she retorts.

  “Guys,” I shift uncomfortably in my seat, “calm down. I’ll figure it all out, okay? Don’t worry about it. If he wants to know, he’ll come around. And if he doesn’t, I’m not going to push it on him.”

  “Sorry, Lydi,” Cara frowns. “We just worry about you, ya know?”

  I know they both mean well. They’re my best friends. I wouldn’t expect them to not care. Although they’d become a couple and I’ve somewhat become a third wheel, they haven’t made me feel that way.

  “I know. But I got this,” I smile at both of them. “I don’t know what I’d do without the two of you.”

  “Well, thank God you don’t have to worry about that,” Cara smiles back at me. “Neither of us are going anywhere.”

  That’s where she’s wrong. She’s moving back here to be with Pierce, while I’m going back to Georgia, just me and Trent. They both watch the smile fall from my face.

  Pierce looks at me. “Come home, Lydia.”

  They didn’t get it. I didn’t have a home anymore.

  “You know I can’t do that,” I tell both of them. Being here brought back too many feelings—feelings I’ve worked hard to avoid.

  “There’s no reason you can’t,” Pierce continues. “There’s no point in staying in Georg–.”

  “Babe,” Cara cuts him off, “why don’t you go get us some more wine?” She smiles at him sweetly. He glances back at me, before nodding at her. He takes the hint, knowing he was pushing too hard.

  “Sorry about him,” she apologizes. “He just misses you. And with me moving back here, he’s worried about you being there alone.” She pauses “Hell, we all are.”

  “I will be okay,” I say as I give her a reassuring smile. “I promise.”

  Will I really be okay, though?

  Only time will tell.

  WE SPEND THE REST OF THE EVENING drinking wine and catching up. Cara drank a little faster than she should, and eventually, Pierce cut her off. She excused herself to bed with an uncoordinated hug and a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Pierce followed behind her stumbling form to help get her into bed. I glance at my phone and see it’s almost ten o’clock. I contemplate calling my mom to check in on Trent. She was keeping him for the night and it was the first time he’s been away from me. At first, I was reluctant, but she talked me into it, practically begging and promising to keep him safe. She’s one of the few people I trust. But that still doesn’t mean I’m not going to worry.

  “You ready to go?” Pierce asks, reappearing in the doorway with his keys in his hand.

  “Yep!” I jump to my feet. The buzz I was working on hits me in an instant, causing me to sway a bit. “Damn, maybe I drank too much wine too!” I laugh.

  Pierce chuckles, “You can never drink too much wine, unless your name is Cara. Damn girl doesn’t know when to stop, but she always regrets it the next morning.”

  “Can’t say I envy her!” I laugh, following him out the door. We walk to his car, both getting in. I look back at his house, suddenly dreading going back to Griffin’s. The house would be empty, and I’ll be by myself.

  The car comes to life, bringing me out of my thoughts. I look over and find Pierce looking at me with a concerned looked on his face. “You okay?” he asks.

  “Good to go!” I give him two thumbs up and a large fake grin. I don’t know if he buys it or not, but he slowly backs out of the driveway and on to the street. I stare at the blue cape cod style house as it gets farther away. Pierce puts the car in drive and pulls away from the house, driving me back to Griffin’s.

  I TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

  I can do this.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Pierce asks as we pull into Griffin’s driveway. His expression is worried. I can see the concern in his eyes. He knows I don’t like being alone. “We can go back to my house. You can stay in the guest room, and we’ll bring you back in the morning.”

  I shake my head.

  “I’ll be okay. Griffin will be back tomorrow, and my mom’s dropping Trent off in the morning.”

  I’ll be okay. I can do this.

  “If you’re sure,” Pierce says reluctantly.

  I give him a reassuring smile. “I’m sure,” I confirm, opening the door and climbing out. “Let me know you get home safe, and tell Cara to call me tomorrow.”

  “You got it,” he winks as I shut the door. He stays in the car until I reach the front door. I slide the key into the lock, slowly turning it and opening the door. I turn around and give Pierce a wave, letting him know I’m okay. He raises his hand in response before driving away.

  I quickly close the door and lock it, hitting the light switch beside the door. I quietly walk through the rest of the house, turning on a light in every room. My phone chimes in my pocket, alerting me of a text message. I pull it out of my back pocket. That was quick. I didn’t expect to hear from Pierce so soon. I open my phone, going to my messages.

  But it isn’t Pierce.

  It’s Ryder.

  Ryder- Hey.

  The blue bubble is blurry. It must be from the wine.

  I stare at the screen, not knowing what to do next.

  Hey.

  I press send and quickly close the screen. I’ve been waiting for him to respond. But for some reason, it’s making me nervous. My stomach flutters, and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. My hands become clammy, and my heart starts to pound. I clutch my phone in my hand and make a beeline for the stairs.

  I practically sprint up the stairs to my room, shutting the door behind me and tossing my phone onto the bed. I stand with my back against the door, trying to catch my breath. My phone chimes again. I take a deep breath and take small steps to the bed, deliberately taking my time.

  Pierce- Home safe and sound. I can’t promise I’ll make it through the night with this snoring bear in my bed, though. Holy shit.

  I smile at his text, pushing Ryder from my mind.

  Best of luck, my friend! Goodnight!

  My phone chimes in my hand. I glance at the screen, still smiling.

  The smile falls from my face.

  Ryder- How are you?

  How am I? I laugh out loud at his attempt to make small talk. I don’t know how to give him an answer when I couldn’t even answer that question myself.

  I’m good. How are you?

  I’m a liar. I’m far from good right now.

  Ryder- I’m doing alright.

  Is the offer still on the table to meet for coffee?

  Once again, I’m staring at the screen in disbelief. He finally reaches out to me and actually wants to hear what I have to say. I fight the urge to jump up and down. I can’t help but feel like I just won the lottery.

  Yes it is.

  When are you available?

  I’m really trying not to sound too eager.

  R
yder- Want to meet Saturday afternoon?

  We can meet at the Java House.

  I walk into the bathroom connected to my room, reading his text.

  I can do that. Does 3 o’clock work for you?

  I set my phone down on the counter and grab my toothbrush and toothpaste. I take my time brushing my teeth, waiting for his response. I finish in the bathroom and get changed into my pajamas. He still hasn’t responded by the time I climb into bed. I start to get an unsettling feeling in my stomach. Maybe this was all a bad idea.

  I connect my phone to the charger and lie down in bed, pulling the covers up to my ears. I will my eyes shut, but they won’t stay closed. My phone chimes and lights up beside me. I reach for it, knocking it to the floor. I quickly lean over, snatching it up from the wooden floor.

  Ryder- Saturday works for me.

  I don’t even wait to type a response. My fingers move at lightning speed.

  Perfect. I’ll see you then.

  Ryder- I look forward to seeing you.

  Goodnight, Lydia.

  Goodnight.

  I turn off the screen of my phone, putting it back on my nightstand. He looks forward to seeing me. His response makes me smile the type of smile that hurts my face. I’m anxious to see him. It’s been so long, and I have so much to tell him.

  I just hope he’ll look forward to seeing me again after he hears what I have to say.

  chapter eight

  RYDER

  BENDING OVER, I RETIE the laces on my sneakers. After talking to Lydia two nights ago, I’m ready to fully get back to being myself. And today starts that journey. For the first time since she left, I actually feel good.

  I straighten back up, taking a deep breath and stretching my arms above my head. It’s mid morning and still cool enough outside to run. Moms with strollers and people with dogs walk along the path winding through the park. Trees are scattered throughout, holding onto their leaves that are starting to change color. Lush green grass covers the ground, surrounding a pond in the center. The water splashes, and ducks quack in the distance. I breathe in the brisk air once more and stretch one last time before starting my jog.

  I pace myself, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. The soles of my shoes pound against the ground as I run down the walkway. I weave around the fellow walkers, giving them a wave as I pass. I crest a small hill, coming closer to the pond.

  And that’s when I see her.

  I come to a halt, leaning forward, putting my hands on my knees. I take deep breaths, trying to catch my breath before looking up. I look up and all the air rushes from my lungs. She looks amazing. Her black hair is shorter than I remember, falling in soft waves just below her shoulders. Dark washed jeans and a cream colored sweater hug her curves. I feel the instant pull inside me, willing me towards her. She tugs at my heart that’s pounding against my ribcage. I start walking in her direction with no idea what I’m doing.

  “Mama!” I hear a little boy’s voice call out. As I come to the top of the hill, I watch her bend over and pick up the little boy. A grin takes over her face, and she places a kiss on his cheek.

  No.

  There’s no way she has a child.

  I must have heard him wrong.

  I watch her lips move as she speaks to him, but I can’t hear what she’s saying. She smiles at him the whole time. Her breathtaking smile that she used to give me. I feel a twinge of jealousy of this little boy who’s the center of her attention. She puts him back down and hands him a piece of bread. I watch them, like a creeper, while they peacefully feed the ducks.

  It hurts to see them, knowing that she has a kid. Which probably means she has a man. It hurts, and I’m increasingly growing angrier the longer I watch them. Yet, I stand there until they’re done. And I’m still standing there after they’ve left with his little hand in hers. The pain is like a sharp knife twisting in my heart.

  I finally move from my spot and run harder than I was before. I feel the burn in my legs and my lungs as I push my body past its limit. As I circle around to where I started, I feel the bile in my throat. I stop running just in time to make it to the grass. I empty the contents of my stomach onto the ground. I choke on the vomit, already struggling to breathe. The feeling finally subsides, and I’m left feeling lightheaded.

  “Gotta be careful there,” an old man sitting on a bench nearby observes. “You push yourself too hard and your body ain’t gonna like it.”

  “Yeah, thanks,” I mumble to him as I pull myself together. The fucking guy had to have been sitting there the whole time, watching me look like a jackass puking in the park. Awesome.

  I walk past the old man, ignoring him, and make my way back to my car. Searching for a water bottle, I find one on the passenger seat and chug it, which only makes my stomach feel even more unsettled.

  Today is such a shit show already.

  Hastily, I pull my phone out of the center console and dial his number faster than I ever have before.

  “Hey, man, what’s up?” Griffin’s voice comes through the speaker.

  “You wanna know what’s up?” My voice is laced with anger. “How about the fact that your sister has a fucking kid?!” I all but yell into the phone.

  “Jesus,” he huffs, “calm the fuck down.”

  “That’s your response? ‘Calm down’?” I get in my car and slam the door. “Fuck you, Griffin.”

  “Yeah, she has a kid. And this is exactly why I didn’t tell you. Not to mention the fact that she asked me not to,” he tells me. His voice is annoyed.

  She asked him not to tell me?

  Why would she want to keep it a secret from me?

  I shouldn’t care, but the thought of her being with someone else eats at me. There goes my plans for getting her back.

  “Why the hell wouldn’t you tell me?” I huff. “What the fuck, man.”

  “Because,” he starts, “look at how you’re acting. You’re freaking out when you don’t even know what you’re talking about. That’s something you need to talk to her about, not me. She’s the one who needs to explain it to you; it’s not my story to tell.”

  “A heads up would have been nice,” I tell him. I wouldn’t have given myself some sense of false hope that there would be any way that I could get her back.

  “I’m sorry, man,” he sighs. “I would have told you if I could.”

  Griffin is a loyal person. When he gives you his word, it’s as good as gold. He wouldn’t tell me if she asked him not to, just like he would have told me if she didn’t. But fuck me if I didn’t feel betrayed right now. It’s been two fucking years, and she has a goddamn kid. This is too much.

  “You know what,” I retort, putting my walls back in place, “it’s cool. I don’t give a shit.”

  “Right,” he mocks, not calling my bluff. We both know I’m lying. And I don’t know who I’m trying to convince more. “Look, I gotta get back to work, but I’ll give you a call later?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I tell him, not caring if he calls me or not. “Later,” I mutter, ending the call and tossing my phone onto the passenger seat. It hits the leather seat and bounces onto the floor. Not bothering to retrieve it, I throw the car into drive and peel out of the parking lot. I pay no attention to my surroundings as I fly down the road. All I can see is Lydia and the way she was looking at her son.

  chapter nine

  LYDIA

  I LOOK DOWN AT MY WATCH for the third time since I got to the Java House. It’s 3:09pm and he isn’t here. Perhaps he got caught in traffic or is simply running late. I take a small sip of my hot chocolate and look around the small space. A few people are scattered throughout the coffee shop, either talking quietly or on their computers. With the strong aroma of coffee and the rhythmic sounds of the machines, it creates a sense of calmness.

  The bell on the door chimes as someone walks in. I turn my head towards the door, hoping to see Ryder. Instead, two girls walk in the little shop. I pull out my phone and search through my texts.
Maybe I had the wrong day or time. Shit, maybe even the wrong place. But I’m here, at the right place, on the right day, at the right time.

  I sit by myself, starting to feel uncomfortable and awkward. I scroll through my phone, trying to appear normal. But inside, I’m freaking out. My insides feel jittery, my chest grows tighter, and my breathing becomes shallow. The sounds in the room grow louder; the lights grow brighter. I see the time on my phone, but glance at my watch to recheck.

  3:19pm.

  He’s still not here.

  And I can’t wait any longer.

  I try to act calm, slowly getting up and pushing in my chair. I walk towards the door, making my steps slow and deliberate. Shoving my unfinished hot chocolate into the trashcan, I quickly exit the coffee shop.

  “Have a great weekend!” the barista calls out as I walk out the door.

  I don’t respond.

  As soon as I step outside, I take a deep breath. The cool air rushes into my lungs. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. Slowly, the pressure on my chest is lifted. I can feel myself growing calmer; the panic slowly fading.

  Sometimes, in uncomfortable or stressful situations, I have panic attacks. With the help of Cindy, my therapist, we’ve found ways for me to work through them. They use to be worse and more frequent. This was the first time in quite some time that I’ve had one.

  I stand out front of the coffee shop, waiting a few minutes just in case he decided to show up. But he doesn’t show. Feeling disappointed and hurt, I walk down the sidewalk, passing other shops as I go. Unprovoked feelings of panic begin again as I get closer to my car. I quickly glance around, surveying the world around me. People walk on the sidewalks and drive in the cars, my presence completely unnoticed. Yet, I can’t shake the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.