Star Hookers Space Pirates

by David A Sizemore

  “I know, Floyd, but they can't detect it if it’s not powered up or showing on their sensors. They won’t launch anti-missiles, if they don’t know it’s coming.”'

  “Oh, very good, sir. Clever.”

  Floyd clumped off to the bay door and gingerly walked out on to the hull, the funny bomb tucked awkwardly under his right arm.

  If it worked, the funny bomb would narrow the odds a bit, Peter thought furiously, but who was the third ship? Peter activated his com again.

  “Hey, Floyd, meet me back in the lounge when you are done. We will watch what happens on the Holoscreen, we’ll leave the cargo bay unpressurized in case we take a hit.”

  “Will do, sir.”

  Peter cycled the airlock from the cargo bay to the crew’s lounge. Peeling off his suit and helmet, he dropped them where he stood.

  “So, any new developments, Shirley?”

  “Not really, Peter, they are just continuing to issue orders to keep our engines off, don't move, and prepare to be boarded…” Monica informed him,

  The airlock cycled again a few minutes later, and Floyd walked in glittering like diamonds as the moisture in the air froze to his sub-zero surface.

  “Done, sir,” he said.

  “Shirley, on screen! Focus your cameras on the Marine ship, and open a channel.”

  “Hey, you! Captain of the Halibut. I suggest you give up and go home now. This is your last chance.” Peter said sternly.

  “That's the Halliburton to you, pirate scum! Are you on drugs or just crazy? Your armament is no match for ours. There’s no place to run. We can follow your homing signal being, and now we know what your ship looks like.”

  “We will release our space dragon, if you don't leave us alone,” Peter said sarcastically.

  “W-WHAT you-- you-- crazy no good....” The Halliburton was interrupted by someone else.

  “So that's why you are here! You followed me-- motherless pieces of shit!” said a new voice, “this is Senator Milton of Xing-Xing. Stand down! I'm taking control of this prisoner! He stole my son’s ship and savaged him-- he’s a monster and will be taken to Xing-Xing for a public trial and execution.”

  “Yeah, after I rip your balls off and make you eat them, pirate scum!” the high, snotty voice of what could only be Sidney said, “Where’s my ride, asshole?”

  “Senator Milton, with all due respect, I can't―” the stern voice of Captain Lacouse said. “--this is an Interplanetary matter, not a local one. He has committed piracy in several solar systems. You have no authority over a Marine ship, I’m afraid. He’s not a prisoner. I haven't captured him yet, moron. I mean, Senator Moron!”

  In the background over Captain Halliburton’s com, Peter and the crew heard a faint, “So, ladies and germs, what’s the difference between a suppository and a torpedo? Give Up? None! We both go up people’s butts!” A flare of white light once again lit up the screen as the Marine cruiser blew up.

  Oscar turned, white faced, to Peter. “What have you done! Those cruisers carry over five-hundred Marines!

  Peter looked at her sadly and said, “Would, you prefer jail, brain wipe, or eternal torture Oscar? I'll mourn, and beat myself up later, but right now I'm trying to save our lives. Those marines signed up for combat knowing that they would be subject to their possible death. You didn’t seem to complain about the planetary warship when it blew up. I know and care about you people. I don't know them. For Tarcacks sake! Grow a pair, will you? Uh, I mean—ah.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean,” Oscar frowned, and she then looked intently into Peters eyes searching for something it seemed. “You seem to have lost your soul somewhere, Peter. Surely, there was some other way? Those marines were my brothers and sisters even if I didn’t know them,” she said softly, and then turned away from Peter as if she couldn’t bear to look at him.

  Even Monica was looking at him in shock. The rest were unreadable.

  The com was still open, and the Boss’s image in the holograph said, “OOOH! Nice one, Peter, was that you? I had it handled but thanks to you-- that's one annoyance down-- one to go.”

  The voice of Senator Milton broke in, “If you are referring to me, whoever you are, I assure you my AI is top of the line, and I am heavily armored! You won't be able to catch me out like you did the others.”

  To demonstrate, Senator Milton’s ship disappeared and reappeared in several different spots around the area, on the holographic image. “My AI and pilot are masters of the micro jump. We will just jump anything you throw our way,” he said rather smugly.

  “I see.” If a face full of protoplasm could smile it would have. Peter, having played chess with the Boss on several occasions, knew him well. The smugness in his voice suggested that he was sure he had them in check, soon to be followed by mate.

  “Then it’s a good thing I had a stealth drone fly a limpet mine packed with oodles of exploding stuff and attach it to your hull before we were quite sure who you were, hours ago. It simply won't do to have you hopping all over the place, annoying me,” cooed the Boss.

  “What? Wait!” The panicked voices of Senator Milton and his son filled the lounge, “No-o-o-o!”

  The Boss lifted a small remote control into view of the hologram, and slowly and deliberately pushed the button. For the third time, the exterior camera screen filled silently with white. Boss had no problem killing anyone that got in his way.

  “Ah! Alone at last, Peter. Thank you, I haven't had an excuse to get out of my offices in ages. That was exhilarating, almost like a Holovid. That was quite clever with the missile, by the way. Bravo! Who would have thought of throwing a missile at someone? Very amusing. I'll have to remember that one. That's why I like you so much, Peter, you are a very clever and amusing human.”

  He disappeared off the screen. The sound of faint clunks from the hull met their ears. Shirley switched to an exterior view revealing that the Boss had micro jumped his ship to within feet of the Incontinence demonstrating extreme skill by his pilot or AI. Boss reappeared in Shirley’s Holoscreen.

  “There! Can't have you running off now, can we? You are a very slippery fellow, Peter. I'll be boarding you, shortly. We need to talk face-to-face, we have business to discuss."

  “I don't think so. I'll never do business with you again, slime ball!” Peter said with some force.

  The Boss burbled his version of a laugh. “Sticks and stones, and I am a slime ball, technically by human standards, so you are not hurting my feelings—Let’s discuss matters, shall we? Be right there.”

  All Peter could do was fume and wait. Jikilenga’s face was in its usual fixed silly grin Bob-Six’s unreadable. Oscar had turned away and sat facing the wall. Marcus and John sat unsmiling and stone-faced-- Monica sat looked apprehensive. Nobody said anything.

  Finally, Monica broke the silence, “Promise me, Peter, if we get out of this one, that you will pack this ship so full of weapons our tail end drags in space.”

  “You got it, sweet-lips, you are preaching to the choir!” Her determination brought a smile to his face.

  A few moments later the airlock cycled, and Boss slithered in followed by a human and a Meloovian, all armed to the teeth.

  “Ooo! I like what you’ve done to the place! You’ve so many new friends too,” Boss said, looking them all over. “This is going to make things so much easier. I know how sentimental you are, I'm sure to find someone here you are attached too that I can use as a bargaining chip; a leash to keep you obedient.”

  He walked up to Jikilenga and Bob-Six and looked them over.

  “Hmmm, Peter’s no xenophobe, but I doubt he makes strong attachments to aliens. Seems too hetero and straight laced to be having sex with them either, although I have never inquired as to your sexual preferences.” Boss said looking at Peter.

  He stepped up to Marcus, and John, and cupped Marcus's chin, “Being-- the Captain, are you sleeping with him?”

  “Nope, he hasn't hit on me, but I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating
crackers,” Marcus replied, blinking his eyes at Boss, "Although I really don't know what he does in his free time. Between you and me,’ Marcus said his hand beside his mouth like he was reveling a secret, “I just think he wanks off a lot, myself,” and he winked at Boss.

  Peter thanked the stars that John and Marcus were smart enough to keep their mouths shut.

  “And you?” Boss said, turning and looking John up and down.

  John just looked deadpan at Boss and shrugged.

  “No? I didn’t think so.” Boss mused.

  He continued to scrutinize the crew finally coming to Oscar and Monica.

  “Now this seems more likely! Which one of you is sleeping with the Captain, hmm?” At the crook of his finger, one of his henchmen punched Oscar in the stomach doubling her over with an’ oof.’ while Boss watched Peter’s face closely.

  It was hard, but Peter managed to un-clench his hands and relax.

  “Hmm, I'm not sure,” Boss muttered and then pointed to Monica.

  The Meloovian raised its weapon stock and made to strike her as the Boss watched Peter’s reaction intently. The weapon bounced off a shield that suddenly appeared with a slight hum.

  “Oh, a mini-kin, how nice. I wouldn’t have really struck you—very hard-- I'm not a monster, but this little test has given me my answer, anyway.

  “Garfoo!” he said, gesturing to the Meloovian. “Take these two back to my ship.” He waved his hand at Monica and Oscar. “I’m not sure if you are sleeping with these two, but I’m sure they are at least friends… close enough… you humans are always so protective of your females.

  “Wait a minute, Boss, this is between you and me. Don't involve them. Please! I'll do whatever you want!” Peter pleaded.

  “Yes! Yes, you will. With these two under my care, I'm sure of it,” Boss said sounding

  amused. Peter’s shoulders slumped in defeat. He decided to give it one last shot.

  “Have you forgotten about the neutron bomb? Leave them alone, get off my ship, or I explode it!

  Boss let loose with his burbling laugh, “As the other unfortunate Captain said-- you are full of Flox excrement. Even if you had one, which I seriously doubt, you or Shirley don't strike me as the Kamikaze types.” He laughed again. “Nor do I believe you have a space dragon.

  Besides, as long as you behave, I'll take good care of your friends.”

  The airlock closed and cycled. Monica and Oscar were gone.

  “What is it do you want me to do?” Peter said, barely keeping his temper under control.

  “Why, what else? Work for me again! As we discussed before you got all puritanical and ran off. I want you to go directly to Baloovia, load your cargo bay to the brim with Baloovians, and bring them to me for processing. I was tired of being just a distributor anyway. The good news for you though-- Peter, is I have calculated that I will only need four pickups and I will make billions; four of them in fact. Enough to retire on. If I manage it well and I'm not on a planet that goes nova, I can live comfortably for the rest of my life.

  Do four pickups for me, and I will release you from my control. Heck, I'll even let you keep this ship as payment—no strings. I know you are fond of Shirley. The resale value on a ship this old is crap. Ditto on the robot-- used robots are worthless. Everybody always wants the latest models.''

  “If I had an ego, I might be offended.” Floyd said dryly.

  “Yeah, ditto, you ball of snot.” said Shirley

  “Only four? Peter said suspicious.

  “Four; Quaxxin is very profitable—and I already have oodles of money from years of criminal activity,” Boss stated.

  “After each successful delivery, you can visit your sweetie-poo, do your disgusting mammalian thing, and slobber all over each other for twenty-four hours. “If you just disappear, I will sell them both to the sleaziest frontier brothel I can find. I know they both worked at Chang’s. I know they were whores. Do we understand each other?”

  “Yeah, but they are not whores—they are—were, sex workers,” Peter said belligerently.

  “No matter, your human terms are no concern of mine,” Boss said negligently waving a pseudo-pod around. “I think I'm being exceedingly generous, Peter. I'm not even confiscating the money you have made thus far. I should be killing you right about now, but I don't hold grudges. I suppose I might have done the same, in your position. I see no reason to be vindictive or cruel. I would have offered you the same terms before, minus the arm twisting, if you hadn't gone running off. We used to be friends Peter.”

  Peter thought about it for a minute. What choice did he have? “OK,” he sighed, “You win.”

  Boss actually went to the trouble of literally forming a smile on his face to show Peter he was pleased.

  “Good! You had no choice, but it’s nice to hear you say it. Its settled then. Here are the co-ordinates for Baloovia, and all the information I have about the Baloovians.”

  Boss extruded a small square of plastic into his palm and tossed him the data stick.

  “Oh! May I have the sleep induction caps, catheters, and medications to get your friends safely back to the Nine Worlds, please? I don't want to wait hours for my Medi-bot to manufacture them.”'

  “John,” Peter said pointing his thumb at the women’s cabins. “Would you?”

  John nodded silently and impassively walked off to retrieve the requested items.

  “So, besides that-- how’s tricks? Are you thinking about your own retirement, Peter? I give you Shirley. You could lease her out or start a legitimate business to launder your money. I suggest you start thinking about some nice planet to kick back on, sip sugary drinks with paper umbrellas with too much fruit, and change your identity. The Imperial Marines were already most eager to make your acquaintance. They had you dead to rights, and now one of their ships has gone missing. I think they are going to be rather eager to talk to you now. They don't know I'm here, I’m certain they will blame you. The planet below is going to blame you for the disappearance of their warship.

  “Oh, yes, one-eyed Pete and his band of cutthroats are now infamous. Most everyone else would like to play gravity ball with your head. Was that your intention? I believe the Nine Worlds already have a bad Holovid of your exploits in production. Were you tired of making a living as nice anonymous, Peter the smuggler? Because of a stupid conscience, you are now wanted by everyone and their brother. Nice going! Bravo!” Boss exclaimed, mock clapping its pseudo-pods together.”

  “Look, I'm not in the mood for small talk. I know I’ve made a few mistakes, so gloat away. Get their things and leave me alone asshole.”

  John walked back in with a tinkling box with Sam the Cockatoo’s head protruding from it. He thrust it at Boss, who pointed at his flunky.

  “Arrkk! Peaches of hate!” Sam squawked.

  “And what, pray tell, is this!” Boss exclaimed, prodding the bird’s head.

  “Oscar’s pet,” John said.

  “Fine! Here, take this,” Boss said as he handed the box off to his assistant.

  “So, Peter, I know it takes a week to get back to the galactic core. From there to Baloovia; two days in and two days back. Say I give you two standard Terran weeks to make delivery. Barring accidents, that should give you plenty of time. Hmmm? Good luck! Don't get yourself killed,” it warned, waggling its pseudo-pods at Peter again. “Unless you make your death public, messy and well-documented, or I'll think you scarpered. Your girly friends will be blowing marines and nasty aliens for peanuts in the scummiest frontier whorehouse I can find. Are we clear?”

  “Crystal.”

  “Well, then, tootles. See you soon!”

  “Say, Boss, does this deal require me to be here?” John asked unsmiling.

  “Uh, no, as long as I get my shipment, I don't care who Peter employs or doesn't.”

  He turned back to Peter and formed a new smile. “Do I detect dissension in the ranks? No matter, not my concern. Goodbye Peter see you soon?” Boss entered the airlock, leavin
g them. Peter cocked an eyebrow at John. “Something you want to say?”

  Chapter 21: Immaculate Conception and Meet the Stupid Baloovians

  “I quit!” John fumed. “I'm done with you—you—you psycho, murdering scum! Let me off this ship as soon as possible!” He turned on his heel to stomp off to his cabin. “I’ll take my weapons and kill every Quaxxin dealers on my own after I raise an army-- killing people that deserve to die, not innocents, starting with this asshole called Boss.

  “John! Stop! Please talk to me.” Peter called out after him.

  John stopped and turned back to Peter slowly folding his massive arms across his chest, the hatred radiating off his face.

  “Look, do you think I enjoyed or wanted to destroying that ship full of five hundred marines? What kind of person do you think I am?” Peter said sadly.

  “I don't know any more, Pete, but I didn't sign on for this! Tarcacks; you said there would be no deaths-- you don't care who you have to kill to become rich!”

  “Wait a fricking second! Do you think I planned this? That I thought for a minute I would have to kill sentient beings to be a pirate? This all spun out of control. I didn't exactly plan on-- or want to become a pirate! If bloody Jane Morrissey hadn’t kidnapped us, none of this would have happened. We would have been on our merry way, and the Senator never would have found us. I admit I didn't really think through the consequences of pirating ships. It all seemed pretty innocent in the Holovids of pirati― Wait a minute! That was your secret? Why you bought all those weapons? That you were going after Quaxxin dealers and—and-- going to what—war ?” Peter stuttered, fascinated and surprised at the same time.

  “Yeah so? John said belligerently.

  “Any particular reason? Or do you just like comic Holo- book heroes, and thought of being one?” Peter said with his eyebrows up.

  “It’s really none of your business, but my brother died from using Quaxxin. Did you know it dissolves brain tissue with use? Long-term Quaxxin users die with holes in their brains. It’s like the effects of syphilis of long ago, causing insanity long before death,” John said painfully.