Star Hookers Space Pirates

by David A Sizemore

  “Sky being, what’s a dictator, and what word history mean?” a Baloovian asked.

  “Uh, yes!” Peter said, gathering his composure, “You wouldn't understand what a dictator is. You have never had only one Baloovians want to rule all the Baloovians at once, and tell them all what to do?”

  “How that possible to tell all Baloovians what to do? Elder can only guide one flock at time.” A Baloovian broadcast from somewhere in the crowd.

  “Exactly! But some insane beings want to tell everyone what to do. History is a recorded telling of what someone’s ancestors did once that was important --uh--recorded for showing to future generations,” Peter said smugly. He thought he had said that rather well.

  “Why you do that? What insane mean? What’s a recorder? What’s write? Waste of time! One day pretty much same as every other day; eat, rest, move to richer feeding grounds, excrete, reproduce. What else to do? Every Baloovian know how to do that from birth. Way always been,” the elder spoke.

  Peter stepped away from the mic, pulled his com away from his face, and turned to Monica. “Tarcacks! These have to be the most stupid, boring beings in the Universe! Why I'm even bothering to save them, beats me!” Peter said, exasperated.

  The Translators translated what was said, but not the context. The Baloovians were basically clueless as to what was going to happen to them.

  “Peter, I'm ashamed of you! In all the billions of known galaxies, there are only a relative handful of life forms. Life anywhere is a miracle and a blessing! Even our own dolphins, whales and chimps from Earth were thought to be only marginally intelligent until we learned to speak their language. They make no monuments or art, they had no need of them, but they are some of the most intelligent, sweet, loving creatures in existence! Once we learned to communicate with them, a lot of salvage companies got rich, history was enriched, and they spread throughout the Galaxy!” Monica said with disapproval in her voice. “Who knows what the Baloovian’s will bring to enrich the universe in time?”

  Oscar came running back with a vidcam in hand and waving excitedly. “Farzookian! That little Sidney pervert had one in his cabin full of disgusting teenage porn! Ugh! Watching teens with acne doing it, badly—disgusting,” she said, face wrinkled with disapproval., Uh I only watched enough to see what was on it.

  “Thanks, Oscar. Alright, let’s try this again.”

  Once again, Peter turned to the crowd of Baloovian’s as Oscar lifted the cam and hit record. Peter lifted his arms into the air.

  “Greetings, Baloovian’s!” He paused dramatically for effect.

  One Baloovian turned to another and broadcast, “Why greeting us again? Sky being already did that. It has bad memory or think us brain damaged. Maybe it damaged?”

  Peter heard that and faltered. “Uh...Greetings, and welcome! I have big news for all Baloovian’s today!” He paused again to let that sink in.

  “Sky being say it again.” a Baloovian said to another. “How many time it greets us?

  “Yoo-hoo! We are here sky being. Hello! Greetings back at you!” A Baloovian wag broadcasted

  “Must have gravel for brains!” another Baloovian muttered, “you sure this is a sky god?”

  “Today is a big day for Baloovian’s. Today, in fact, in a few movements of your sun across the sky, your heavens will look strange for two days. The stars will look different, and the sun will disappear. Then the sun will change color, and there will be new stars. You may feel a little bit funny, but you will be in a new heaven. Uh, yeah, that’s it! The sky beings are taking all Baloovian’s to heaven at once!” Peter said with desperation. This historic speech was not going the way he thought it should.

  “Wait, just one time-unit! How you mean to take Baloovians to heaven? Still be on same~ garble ~ garble ~ planet?” one Baloovian uttered, while the others were murmuring in agreement.

  “Sorry Baloovian slang or profanity does not translate-- maybe stinking or smelling of... excrement?” The translator said, sheepishly it seemed.

  “What? I thought you liked your life here!” Peter said bewildered, “Don't you?”

  “Not after sky angels visit us. We now know there more to life than Baloovia. Here every day same, eat, excrete, and walk to new patch of sand. Same old. Want to see new worlds...or go to heaven.” The one he took for the elder said with excitement.” Why stay on this stupid rock? It boring.”

  “Really? OK, well! Let’s get you moved first. Then we’ll send you some new sky beings to teach you a new way to get to heaven. Maybe they will get you off this rock, if you ask.”

  Peter said with annoyance to the ladies, “Damn! The yokels get a little taste of the big city, and all of a sudden you can’t keep ‘em down on the farm. OK, Shirley, let’s get the flock out of here.”

  “Come on you two,” he said to Monica and Oscar, “help me pack this equipment up.”

  A loud noise ripped from the sky drawing their eyes upwards. Far on the horizon the small dot of a ship rapidly grew within their sight followed by a small contrail. There was a resounding boom as it broke the sound barrier, then it slowed and headed toward their position.

  “Hey, Shirley! Are you registering that? Who the hell is that?” Peter said gaping. “Except for the Baloovians, I thought nobody was here but us chickens.”

  “Beats me, Peter! They popped up on my sensors about five minutes ago. They were about a thousand miles away; came out of nowhere. I didn't want to interrupt your speech, but, ah, based on everybody else’s behavior so far, I would assume they are not here to bring us a plate of cookies and welcome us to the neighborhood.”

  “Yea-ah, I think that’s a given. Are they broadcasting anything? Threats? Greetings? Anything?” Peter said with a sigh.

  “Nope; not a peep. I think it’s safe to assume they are not friendly,” Shirley said sounding worried.

  “Check! Then let’s fricking scoot! Ladies, drop this crap and fucking run! Get ON THE LIRLEY, NOW!” Peter shouted.

  “Uh, Peter? Maybe we should wait and see what they want. They are heavily armed and the Lirley is not. They could probably easily knock us out of the sky,” Oscar pointed out solemnly.

  Peter stopped and looked speculatively at the rapidly approaching spaceship.

  “Alright, makes sense. We should see what their intentions are. Cover me from the hatch ladies. Lirley, make sure we are ready to take off at a moment’s notice.” Peter spoke into the com.

  A short distance away the unknown ship settled onto the dusty plain, bowling over some Baloovians with their drive, heedlessly crushing a few under their landing struts. A section of the hull clam-shelled up and a ramp extended from the ship. Four figures emerged; two human females, a human male, and a Meloovian.

  “Well, well, well. If it isn't the infamous Pirate Pete! I would ask what brings you to this neck of the woods, but you just broadcast your intentions across the planet ten minute ago, although I find it hard to believe you can move a planet,” the human male said with skepticism in his voice, “and why are you moving my planet-- asshole?

  “Sorry, but you have me at a disadvantage. Who the hell are you?” Peter said looking at them angrily.

  “Oh! Sorry, I'm Doug, this is Betty, Miranda, Makeem., Doug said gesturing at the others. We own this planet, technically, we discovered Quaxxin.” Doug said somewhat smugly. The women were very attractive as well as the man. The Meloovian looked like all Meloovians, faintly green, large black eyes, and an expressionless sphincter for a mouth.

  “Technically, this planet belongs to the Baloovians, assholes. Yeah, that’s right, we are moving this planet to somewhere nowhere no one can find it. The death and suffering from Quaxxin has to stop. I suggest you find another planet to exploit. We're leaving for another galaxy.”

  “I’m afraid we can't allow that to happen, “Doug their apparent leader said angrily, “we are all rich as hell, but we decline your nice offer of relocation, just on general principals. We see no reason too not keep getting richer, you self-r
ighteous, prick. What are you… some kind of Tarcackian do-gooder?” He smiled evilly and put his hand on his gun. They all put their hands on their guns, including Peter.

  “I don't suppose you could just admit you're hosed and leave peacefully? You had your day. I really don't want any trouble,” Peter said grimly.

  Doug started laughing and they all joined in except for the Meloovian and Peter. “You can't be serious! Trouble? Trouble for you I’d say. How about you die now!”

  Doug made to raise his gun, but with a ka-chow, it went flying, and he was shaking his hand in pain. The others were momentarily shocked. No one saw where the shot came from, but they soon recovered and started to raise their own weapons.

  “Get on the ship, idiot! Fucking run, Peter,” Monica shouted to him from the ships doorway.

  Shots whizzed past him as the women laid down some cover fire. He heard a shout of pain but did not slow down as he dived the for last few feet of the hatch, and Lirley slammed it shut.

  “Go! Go, Lirley!” Peter shouted.

  “Don't have to yell at me, dumbass! Already going!” Lirley said somewhat frantic. “Uh, they are running for their ship. I think you got one, Monica! Someone’s on the ground, not moving. Oh, shit! I think they are coming after us! Yep! Hot pursuit! I suggest you all strap in. I'm going to be doing some crazy maneuvering.”

  They all strapped into the flight couches not a moment too soon. They were all thrown violently from side to side.

  “Sorry, my inertial dampers can only compensate so much. Shit! that was a close one!”

  Boom! Boom! Boom!

  Even through the shuttle’s heavily insulated walls, the vibration and sounds of explosions could be felt and heard.

  “Uh, I'm only marginally faster since I'm small and not packing all the armament they are, but the Incontinence is going to be in danger. Their ship has more nasty stuff than Shirley, I think. They are going to get off a lucky shot sometime soon! I've got an idea! You three, get into the life pod, quick!”

  They unstrapped uneasily, trooped to the life pod, and crawled through the hatch.

  “What are you thinking, Lou?” Peter asked suspicious.

  “I’m thinking that I eject you as soon as we leave the atmosphere, and then I ram their ship and destroy these assholes. Then Shirley picks you up,” Lirley said grimly.

  “What? No! Wait!” Peter put his hand up to the closing door to stop it.

  “Peter, take your God-dammed hand away, or I swear I'll close it anyway! The Medi-bot can grow you some new fingers. Now!” Lirley snarled.

  “Please, Lirley, there has to be some other way!”

  “Nope, I've done the calculations, this is the only way! Now, get those fingers out! I'm not warning you again! 1-2-3...”

  Defeated, Peter pulled his hand out of the door, the door clanged shut and with a whoosh, they were launched into space toward the Incontinence.

  They watched in horror through the view-port as the Lirley sped away from them on a collision course with the unnamed ship. As the Lirley got close to the other ship the sky lit up with fireworks. Their pursuers fired everything they had to destroy the shuttle Lirley. Another few seconds and the atmosphere was filled with the white light of a large silent explosions as both ships disappeared in a ball of flame.

  Monica and Oscar put their faces in their hands and wept. They had only just met Lirley, but she seemed as real a person as anyone in the crew, and they mourned.

  Peter’s stomach was in knots, and his eyes stung. He liked Lirley, even if she was just an AI.

  “Why so glum everyone?” Shirley said, her image appearing in the escape Pod.

  “What the fuck, Shirley? Your daugh--- clone—err-- program just sacrificed herself for us! Have you no emotions? Peter said incredulous.

  “Who said she’s dead, ass wipe? She’s alive, so to speak. She ejected her black box containing its crystal matrix before impact. What? She didn't tell you?”

  “That little shi―” Peter started to say.

  “Humph. Let me scoop you kids up first,” Shirley interrupted.

  Shirley maneuvered the Incontinence deftly. Smoothly opening her cargo doors, cutting the artificial gravity at just the right moment and firing her maneuvering jets to swing the ship just so, she scooped the life pod into the cargo bay to bring it rolling and gently bouncing into the hold. She duplicated the same maneuver a few minutes later to gather the crystal matrix of Lirleys mind.

  Floyd, on Peter’s instructions, grabbed Lirleys module and ran it up to the control room and plugged her in where they were all gathered. Lirley appeared floating in midair next to Shirley’s hologram, and mimed patting herself down.

  “Gee, am I all here?” her image grinned widely and tossed the green locks of her hologram hair saucily.

  “You little asshole! You could have told us,” Peter huffed.

  “Yeah, Lirley, that was just mean,” Monica complained wiping another tear from her eye, “but we are glad to see you. I would like give you a hug, but-- you know.”

  “Ditto, you little bitch! Give us some warning next time!” Oscar said smiling.

  “Sorry, I had to think fast, and well, I'm sentient. Who could resist attending their own suicide and seeing if beings would miss you?” she snickered. “The real bummer is having to live in Mom-o's head for who knows how long,” Lirley sighed dramatically.

  “No need for that, my little crystal copy. As soon as I get the coordinates locked in for the Jensen system, I'll transfer your mind to my biped drone after I get it back on board.”

  “Really! Oh, Mom-o! You're the best! I've been wanting to try living in a body,” she teased, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively at John and winking.

  “Don't get excited, it’s only a robot drone. There’s nothing below the waist, so to speak,” Shirley frowned and waggled a finger at her.

  “So, happy ending and all that shit. Crap, no happy ending for moi. I was really looking forward to experiencing an orgasm--and my ship was pretty rad, I’ll miss it.” Lirley said projecting itself chewing gum. and grinned her lopsided grin.

  “What now? I'm sure we'll get no thanks from the Nine Worlds, for eliminating a dangerous drug from the universe. We still have a death penalty on our heads too. All we have is money, and no place to spend it-- and no place to show our faces,” Lirley said sadly.

  “What about Milyorks? Karl always said we were welcome there. After all, it is kind of a haven for criminals. They seem to look the other way on just about everything there, or how about Hollyworld?” Monica suggested.

  Peter’s face lit up. “Yeah, that’s right! Great idea! Not Hollyworld, Milyorks. It would give us some time to figure out where we go from here. Retirement? Start a business? I don’t know about you, but I’m done with this Pirate crap.”

  “Alright! Then it’s settled; Milyorks it is; after we get the Baloovians settled.

  “As usual, hold on to your titties! Here goes!” Shirley announced.

  The ship vibrated slightly, and instead of the usual ‘vruuuuuuuum,’ it was a ‘VRUUUUUUUUM!’ they could feel in their teeth. Everything shimmered, surrounded with faint green and red outlines like viewing an old style 3-D movie without the glasses. It was not like the usual hyperspace jump.

  “Holy Tarcacks! Are we going to have to endure this for two days?” Oscar asked. “ This is like some bad hallucinogens I once took once! I suggest cocktails!”

  She grabbed the box in the corner full of booze and intoxicants that she had filled on the artifact and slammed it on the table with rattle. “Margaritas and weed anyone?”

  Chapter 29: The Unexpected Benefits of Being a Pirate

  They spent the next few days getting wasted. When all things looked a little fuzzy and weird, it soothed the worry about the future and the multiple death sentences on their heads. Obstacles had been overcome, bad guys eliminated, they had won. If the future was unclear, at least immediate and certain death did not wait around EVERY corner.

  Peter
figured they were due a celebration. They drank to their success, they drank to their fallen comrades, they got high to Lirley surviving the crash, and to better days ahead.

  Finally, Shirley announced what they had all been waiting for.

  “Hey, listen up, you bunch of drunken twats! We're here!”

  “Wherrrr?” Oscar slurred from a booth in the galley.

  “Jensen system, safely slotted into a Goldilocks orbit. Time to tuck the Baloovians in! Anyone want to say goodbye?” Shirley said cheerfully.

  “Why? They don' need us to hod ther hands, do they? Fug it! Lil’ basderds caused us nothin’ but trouble,” Oscar slurred again.

  “Have to agree, Shirl- ell...They don' need us to make more peeches. Tell ‘em g’bye and let’s get da fug outta here...” Peter added as wasted as all the rest of them, which was a rarity.

  “Uh, you might want to sober up after we put the Baloovians to bed, as it’s only another couple days’ flight to Milyorks; you know detox a little,” John said amused.

  “Whyse should I sober up? Oscar slurred. “I’m on va--cation.”

  They left the artifact in the Baloovians orbit, as safe a place as anywhere. They would turn over the administration of the artifact and the Baloovians to Heaven’s Battalion.

  They arrived on Milyorks and Karl welcomed them with open arms. There they celebrated fiercely, dining at the best restaurants, seeing local bands, dancing and enjoying some of the attractions of Milyorks, but tired of the party circuit almost immediately. They were all now thinking of legitimate or semi-legitimate businesses to run, and what to do with the rest of their lives.

  John wanted to open a restaurant, naturally, and was soon lost in the myriad of things involved with that.

  Oscar and Marcus although not getting along so well, considered just buying a villa and retiring, but the need for private security and as well as being famous was just too tempting and numerous offers abounded. Plenty of criminals needed protection. They were busy interviewing for various positions.

  Jikilenga was shopping for a private villa in which to retire, but was finding that six-million-credits, his cut, was not all that much money on Milyorks and fretted to Peter that he might have to go back to work poking beings with sharp objects.