by Mary Monroe
By the time I woke up the next morning, so groggy I thought I was dreaming, Wade’s roommates were gone. Wade told me that Bob worked as a security guard at some big office building downtown. And, with an embarrassed look on his face, he told me that Nick worked the streets, sucking the dicks of older men on their way to their fancy offices in the morning. “A lot of kids do shit like that to survive down here,” he explained. “It ain’t no big deal. Bob and Nick got part-time jobs, too.”
“And what do you do for money?” I asked. I was surprised that he’d told me about Nick being a male prostitute. It would have been just as easy for him to lie about it. I would have. I couldn’t help but wonder if Wade was going to be honest with me about what he did for money. He took his time responding, walking around the gloomy room, dragging a mop that looked like a cheap wig across the floor.
“Who me? Uh, I do different things from time to time. Right now I wash dishes at this Mexican restaurant around the corner,” he said, giving me a quick glance. He must have been embarrassed or lying, because now he was mopping a dry spot.
“Dishwasher?” I howled. I couldn’t have been more surprised and stunned if he had told me he had a job selling balloons on the beach. “Dude, your mama said you go to parties with big Hollywood stars! You got a job washing dishes? Do the other stars know that?”
Wade stopped mopping and gave me a hostile look. “Look, it ain’t easy to make it big down here,” he said. He got even more defensive. He dropped the mop to the floor and folded his arms, lifting his chin and looking at me down his nose. “What’s wrong with washing dishes? It’s a job, ain’t it? Some folks can’t even get a job washing dishes.”
“So your mama was lying about you going to parties with the stars?”
“You know how parents like to exaggerate about their kids. But my mama goes by what I tell her, so she didn’t lie,” he said, shaking his head. “I didn’t lie when I told her I went to the same parties a lot of the stars go to. I do. But … as a waiter.”
My heart felt like it wanted to drop to the floor. I felt so sorry for Wade. But I shrugged it off like a pro. With a big, fake smile, I said, “There is nothing wrong with being a waiter … I guess. I think I read somewhere that Dustin Hoffman was a waiter when he was just starting out. I’m sure a lot of the other big stars were, too. Whoopi Goldberg used to work in a funeral parlor, doing dead folks’ make-up.”
“I heard that same thing myself,” Wade told me in a dry voice.
“I won’t tell anybody. Not even your mama,” I promised.
“Look, baby. I don’t really care if folks back home find out or not. A lot of big stars worked worse jobs than waiting tables before they made it. A baby gots to crawl before he can walk. I’m just paying my dues. And, while we’re on the subject, I usher at a movie theater over in Westwood when I can. I do whatever I have to do to eat and have a place to stay,” Wade confessed. He was walking around the apartment in just his shorts. He stopped and slapped his hands on his hips. “At least I don’t turn no tricks on the street like Nick, if that’s what you thinking. Shit.” He scratched his chin and gave me a serious look.
“I know you wouldn’t stoop that low,” I said, giving him a serious look.
He seemed pleased to hear me say that. So pleased that he offered me a big smile. “Um, uh-uh, I wouldn’t. Uh, I’ll get off early so I can help you find a place.”
An awkward moment of silence passed before I spoke again. “Did you mean what you said about wishing I was down here with you?”
“Look, Christine. I like you a whole lot, and I think you know that by now. But your timing is way off. I did mean I wished you was down here with me when I said it. But I didn’t expect you to jump on a bus and come down here without me asking you to, or without me even knowing! That’s some crazy-ass shit, girl! What’s wrong with you? You can see I ain’t in no shape to be the host with the most,” Wade said, making a sweeping gesture with his hand. “If my mama wasn’t sending me money every month, I’d be eating in a soup kitchen.”
He trotted across the floor and flung open the refrigerator so hard, it shook and the dim light inside blinked off and on. There was nothing inside but a few more bottles of beer and a block of green cheese. “Now if you plan on staying in L.A., that’s fine with me,” he added. “We can have some good fun together when I have the time. But you can’t stay up in here with me and Nick and Bob. This place ain’t big enough, no way.”
“I don’t take up much room,” I whined, holding my hands out, palms up. “I’ll even sleep in that nasty bathroom, on the floor, if I have to. And, you won’t even have to worry about feeding me. I know how to go into any store I want, go down every aisle and nibble on something, and then sneak out the door without paying. Me and my friends have been doing that all over Berkeley since I can remember.”
“There’s more to it than that. See, this is Nick’s place. His name is the only one on the lease. Me and Bob have to sneak in and out of this motherfucker like burglars so the landlord won’t see us. Now, like I said, you can’t stay here.”
“Where will I go?” I asked in a meek voice, with my eyes on the floor.
“If you’re as smart as I think you are, you’ll go on back home,” Wade told me.
That was not what I wanted to hear. But I knew that he was right.
CHAPTER 30
Wade washed up in the kitchen sink, with a blue washcloth that was so stiff, it looked like it could stand up by itself. As soon as he got dressed and left the apartment, after kissing me on the cheek like I was an elderly relative, I had myself a good cry. I had never felt so unwanted in my life. I cried so much, my eyes puffed up. Snot oozed out of my nose and dribbled down my face. Spit and other slime that I didn’t even know my mouth could produce glazed my lips and chin like gravy.
I didn’t want to use the same washcloth to wash my face that Wade had used to wash his ass. But since I couldn’t find anything else to clean myself with, I ripped a page out of Nick’s Rolling Stone magazine, and I used that. I closed my eyes and rubbed them until I couldn’t feel them anymore.
I was hungry, but with roaches marching up and down the walls like soldiers, and swarms of gnats descending on the floor like locusts, it didn’t take long for me to lose my appetite.
“Girl, what have you got yourself into this time?” I asked myself out loud, wiping my neck with the wet paper that I’d used to clean my face.
I didn’t think that things could get any worse. I couldn’t talk to my parents, and other than Tina and old Miss Odessa, I didn’t have any real friends that I could fall back on. Since I’d already hit Tina up for a few dollars, I didn’t have the nerve to call her. I had no choice but to call Miss Odessa. I snatched the cordless telephone up off the floor and dialed her number so fast, my fingers cramped.
It was a weekday, and I expected her to be home like she usually was on a weekday. I was wrong. I called every hour on the hour, and she didn’t answer. And, she was one of the few people I knew who didn’t like answering machines, so I couldn’t even leave a message.
I was leaning out the window, trying to get some fresh air, with the telephone still in my hand when Wade came home around four that afternoon. I had heard thunder earlier, but it hadn’t rained yet. The sky outside looked like a gray ceiling. That made everything seem even more gloomy. “You find a place yet?” Wade asked in a gruff voice, not offering any other greeting. He had that look on his face that people got when they saw somebody they didn’t want to see. And, I could tell that he was agitated. He kept letting out loud breaths and looking at me out of the corner of his eye.
“Um, yes and no,” I said. I left the window and set the phone back on the floor where I’d found it, squeezed between a box of Fruit Loops and an empty peanut butter jar.
“Yes, you found a place? No, you didn’t find a place?” Wade’s hair was flat on both sides of his head and sticking up on top like a fan. His lips were dry and cracked. The bottom one had a scab that had not been
there that morning. I couldn’t imagine what he’d been doing for his hair and lips to end up looking like that. He looked like he had been mauled. He looked like anything but a movie actor.
“Huh?” As fast as I was living and as much as I thought I knew, I was still a child, and I sounded like one. One stupid thing after another slid out of my mouth like bubbles. “Who me?”
“Yes, you! What the hell is yes and no supposed to mean?” Wade strutted across the floor and stood in front of me. I was already backed up against the wall. And, the way he was looking at me, I wished that I could just disappear into the wall and get it over with. He had made it clear that he wanted me out of his sight. And, because of the way he had been treating me since I’d arrived, I decided I never wanted to see his punk ass again after I got my crazy self out of this mess.
“Um, two landlords told me to call them back,” I lied.
“Uh-huh.” Wade folded his arms. He stood so close to me, our faces almost touched. I had never noticed how big his Adam’s apple was until now. It looked like a rock stuck in the middle of his long neck. “Well, there ain’t no newspapers up in here, and I know you didn’t leave out that door today. How did you find these two landlords?”
I dropped my head. “I’m going home. I don’t have enough money for any apartment, and even if I did, who is going to rent to a girl my age with no job?” I muttered. I looked back up at Wade’s face, and he looked even more annoyed. “I will leave as soon as I get the money from my folks,” I snapped.
I was glad when Wade left to go to his evening job, or wherever he went, a few hours later. As miserable as the apartment was, I felt better in it when I was alone. I called Miss Odessa three more times in less than an hour, and she still didn’t answer her telephone. I knew then that I had to come up with another plan, and there was no other option for me except my parents.
One of my fears was that I would not be able to get help from some other source before Wade ran out of patience with me. But my biggest fear was not Wade kicking me out on the street. I was more concerned about whether or not I could depend on my parents to help me get back home.
CHAPTER 31
Around eleven that night, Wade and his two roommates came home together, paying more attention to the roaches than they did me. As soon as they got inside the apartment, Nick grabbed a magazine and started smashing roaches. Bob strolled over to the stove and removed a cigar box from the oven. He rolled some joints, and I was surprised when he handed one to me. But other than that, the way Bob, Wade, and Nick behaved, you would have thought that I was invisible.
My period was heavier than usual this month, and I had some cramps that made my stomach feel like it was upside down. I knew that the stress that I was under had a lot to do with the way my body was breaking down. I flopped down on the beanbag and enjoyed my high while my thoughts swam around in my head.
I spent as much time as I could in that tacky, smelly bathroom next door to the apartment. By now I was bleeding like a stuck pig, and my cramps were even worse. I’d never been in labor before, but the way my mama had often described it to me, I was pretty sure that my cramps were on that level. That was enough to make me feel like shit. But Wade’s reaction to my presence made me feel even worse. Instead of sharing the sleeping bag with me again, he made a pallet on the floor with some cardboard and a blanket and slept there.
The next morning all three of the boys were gone when I woke up. Wade had left the key to the apartment, a five-dollar bill, and a note telling me to use the money to get something to eat. I had not eaten since the day before. It was still early, and I knew that if I moved fast enough, I could reach my parents before they left for work. I stumbled across the floor to the telephone on the wall. My hands shook as I dialed the number. For the first time in my life, I was glad to hear my daddy’s voice.
“Mmm … hallo!” he said in his usual gruff voice, grunting under his breath. This was the first time I’d heard my own father speak from the other end of a telephone line. He didn’t have any kind of accent or anything, but the way he greeted me made it sound like he did. “Mmm … hallo!” he said again, sounding impatient and annoyed.
“Daddy?” I managed, my hand covering my heart because it was thumping so hard. “Daddy, it’s me.”
“Me who?” my father asked.
I almost dropped the telephone. I was his only child—as far as I knew. I was the only person I knew who addressed him as “Daddy.” The fact that he had to ask who I was made me wish that I had tried to call Miss Odessa again instead.
“It’s Christine, Daddy,” I said firmly. “Your daughter.”
“Oh. Where are you calling from? Wherever you at? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for school?”
“Daddy, I’m in L.A.,” I said in a flat voice.
“L.A.? Los Angeles?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled, my heart beating like a bongo drum.
“Well, what … what you doing down there, girl? And when did you go down there?”
“I came down here on Sunday.”
“Is that right? No wonder them dirty dishes is still in the sink.”
“You didn’t even know I was gone?” I wailed, my voice cracking.
“You know I don’t get in your business,” he admitted.
“No. No, Daddy, you don’t,” I said, and I wanted to say, “But I am your business.”
“Aye yi yi! All this time I thought you was shet up in that room of yours. Either there or across the hall with that busybody Odessa. So what are you going to do now? You done finally quit school or what? And who you down there with? You ain’t going to stop till you ruin yourself.”
“I want to come home, Daddy. I’m down here with a friend, but he said I can’t stay with him. He’s got two roommates, and their place is really too small. I need for you to wire me the money for a bus ticket to come back to Berkeley. I need thirty-five more dollars.”
“Hold on. Let me get your mama in on this. You know she handles everything in this house when it comes to money.”
There was dead silence for the next five minutes. I kept looking at my watch, wondering how much the long-distance call was going to cost and how mad Wade was going to be when he got the bill.
“Christine,” my mother finally said in a loud voice. Then, to my surprise, her voice sounded extremely soft and gentle. She didn’t even sound like the woman I’d known all my life. “Are you all right?” There was so much concern in her voice, it almost broke my heart.
The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt my parents. But I didn’t know what they wanted me to do and what they didn’t want me to do. As far as I was concerned, the only person I needed to try and please was myself. “I’m all right, Mama,” I said, almost choking on my words.
“I hope so. Thank the Lord, you sound as strong as a burro.” My mother and father rarely spoke Spanish in my presence. For all I knew, they had forgotten most of it. Whenever one of them used a Spanish word, it threw me for a loop. Yes, I sounded strong, but I didn’t like being compared to a donkey. “What the devil are you up to now? You left that kitchen looking like a train wreck. Dishes all over the place.”
“I’ll do the dishes as soon as I get home, Mama.” I sighed. “Mama, I’m in L.A., and I want to come home. But I don’t have enough money to buy a ticket. Can you and Daddy wire me some money?” Mama was taking too long to answer, and I didn’t know what her silence meant, but it frightened me. I said the next thing that came to my mind. “I will get a job and pay you back.”
“How much does this ticket cost?” she asked, with a weak sigh.
“I just need thirty-five more dollars,” I said sharply.
“Thirty-five dollars is a lot of money for piss-poor folks like us. And, how do I know that you ain’t planning on spending this money on something other than a bus ticket? I never know what you are up to.”
“I’ll even pay you back with interest,” I offered. I stopped talking because I was close to tears. My parents had not seen or heard
me cry since I was a baby. I was too proud to let my guard down around them.
“I’ll go to the Western Union place as soon as they open up.”
“Thank you, Mama. And, Mama … I do love you, and tell Daddy I love him, too.”
“Of course, you do,” she said in a distant voice. “And you should,” she added.
I didn’t wait for Wade or his roommates to come home. Right after I took a birdbath in the kitchen sink, using another page from the Rolling Stone for a bath cloth, I fished some clean underwear out of my backpack and slid into it. Then I gathered up all of my shit and left that miserable place. I was thankful that the nearest Western Union station was only six blocks away. The additional money that I needed to help pay for my bus ticket was there when I got there. And, that was all that Mama had sent, nothing extra for food or anything else.
The few dollars that I had left home with and the crumpled five-dollar bill that Wade had left for me that morning was all the money I had to my name. Since I had to use part of it to cover the cost of my ticket home, there was not enough left over for me to take a cab home from the bus station, which was in Oakland a few miles away, from our apartment. Even though I’d fucked strangers, I was too afraid to hitchhike. Three girls that I used to run with had all been killed after accepting rides from strangers. If I had not found enough loose change in my pockets and in the belly of my backpack to take the local bus from Oakland to Berkeley, I would have walked the four miles home.
I got back to Berkeley around one that morning. The apartment was dark, but when I let myself in the front door and clicked on the light, Daddy lifted his head off his pillow on the sofa bed, looking at me with his eyes still half closed. He offered a rare smile. And then he lay back down.
About an hour later, after I’d gone to bed, I heard my bedroom door open. The lights were out, and I didn’t budge, so I didn’t know which one of my parents had entered my room, tiptoeing across the floor, bumping into things like a clumsy thief. But whoever it was, they lifted the covers off my face and kissed me on the cheek.