Dylan

by Jo Raven

  “But where? Why doesn’t he come out of hiding?”

  She shrugs. “Did something happen to upset him?”

  Confessing to the nice doctor that Miles accused me of not caring for him isn’t something I wanna do. Besides, I don’t know her.

  Someone knocks on the door. Charlie pokes his head in. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” I say, relieved. Family, of sorts, has arrived. He and Kate have been the relatives I never met. They’ve stood by me ever since Mom left, and Dad began his long slide down. “Thanks for coming.”

  “Your father?” the doctor asks, and I don’t reply.

  “Charlie, can you stay with Teo while I go look for Miles some more?” I’m already moving toward the door, and Teo whimpers, stopping me cold. “Oh, fuck.”

  “I’ll look for Miles,” Charlie offers, and I consider that.

  Miles thinks I don’t care for him as much as I care for Teo. Maybe because Teo is younger, and has been sick so often, I’ve spent more time fussing over him than Miles? I didn’t pay much attention, but without Mom and Dad, I’m all Miles has, and it looks like I’ve let him down.

  “No, I’ll look for him,” I say and turn back to stroke Teo’s hair. He’s been given antibiotics and something for the fever. “I’ll be back soon, okay?” I tell him. “I’m going to bring Miles back.”

  And I leave before I change my mind again.

  As I hurry through the maze of corridors and halls and rooms, I call out Miles’s name and ignore the curious looks of nurses, doctors and patients.

  “Miles! Come out, buddy.” My steps drag. I keep seeing Teo on the cot, flushed with fever, waiting for me to return. Thinking I abandoned him, too. “Come on, you dork. I’m tired, Miles, don’t make me look for you all night. Miles!”

  Where is he hiding? Did something happen to him? Jesus.

  I’ve fucked this up. See, I knew I’m not parent material. That I can’t replace my parents. But, damn, my parents aren’t parent material either, and in any case, what other choice is there? I’m sorry I’m all my brothers have and wish they’d get a better brother than me, someone who knows what he’s doing. Someone who can keep calm at all times, keep a good job, knows how to take good care of them and how to make them feel wanted and secure.

  Yeah, I’m sorry I’m all they got, but I’m not giving up on them.

  A while later, I’m wandering through a part of the building I’ve never seen before, past labs and common areas with soft drink and snack dispensers, when I hear quick steps behind me. I stop and turn but see nobody. When I resume walking, the steps start again.

  The hell? I continue, slowing down, then round the corner and stop. As I turn around, I see Miles, hands in his pockets. His eyes widen, and he takes a step back.

  Oh no, you don’t. In two strides, I grab his arm. He flails, and when I raise my other hand, he flinches.

  Dammit.

  “Christ, Miles,” I say, exasperated and honest-to-God exhausted, “what are you doing? Where the hell have you been?”

  He frowns. “Am I grounded?”

  “No, you’re not grounded, Miles.” Something in his expression makes me lean closer. “What’s the matter? What do you want?”

  “I want you to notice I’m here!” he shouts and tries to break free of my hold, but I’m having none of it. “I’m not sick, but I’m here, too!”

  Fuck. Horrified, I stare at him. I really did let him down. He really thinks I don’t care. “Miles…”

  He tries again to break free, half-heartedly, and tears slip from his eyes.

  I drop to my knees. I’m wrecked to know I caused him such pain. “You’re my brother, Miles. I don’t love Teo better. I love you both the same. I care for you more than anything.”

  “What about those kids that beat me up on the way home…” His voice hitches. “Why won’t you stop them?”

  “I’m sorry. I’ll find a way to get you home safe. I’m so sorry, buddy.”

  I pull him into my arms, and he cries on my shoulder, soft, broken sobs that tear me apart. As I pat his back, I think how complicated love is—between siblings, between men and women. Between humans.

  “I’ll take care of you,” I go on. “I promise. I’ll make it up to you.”

  Miles quietens and eventually draws back and smiles at me. As the weight of guilt lifts off my shoulders, I think how precious that smile is and how I wish I could put one on Tessa’s face, too.

  Chapter Seven

  Tessa

  ‘I have no right to ask you to stay.’

  Dylan’s words still echo in my ears as I step outside my apartment on Monday morning. Inside my heart feels broken, its pieces jabbing into my chest, but outward I lift my chin and step into the elevator, ready to face the day.

  Ready to descend into hell.

  I lived in a bubble for a long time—a bubble where Dylan loved me. Stuck in limbo, I waited for him to make a move. For my parents to accept me. For my memories to heal.

  I know now this will never happen. It’s up to me to make my move—and the first one is to confront my parents. No matter what the outcome is. No matter if they’re displeased and angry, and if they threaten to stop supporting me. All I ever wanted was their approval, and it’s obvious I’m never getting it. I wonder if whoring myself out to Sean would have made a difference, and I realize it wouldn’t.

  But it’d make a difference to me. It’d take away the last shred of self-esteem I still possess, and if that goes, then I’m gone, too. There will be nothing left of me.

  As I climb into my car, I think of Dylan’s expression when he thought I was leaving. How he asked me not to go.

  Right before he walked out of my life once more.

  I frown as I roll out of the underground parking lot and into the gray, overcast day. He’s such a contradiction. Hot and cold.

  Although yesterday he was mostly hot…

  I remember our lovemaking, the way he touched me and kissed me and moved inside me, and I swallow hard, my mouth going dry. A dull, pleasurable ache begins low in my belly. It’s as if I can still feel his taut body under my fingertips, silky skin wrapped over sinew and hard muscle, as if I can see the heat in his blue eyes. Nothing brotherly about the way he held and possessed me.

  But I know now that nothing more can ever happen. Nothing has changed. It was just sex, and then he left once again.

  A glossy black Porsche catches my eye as I drive past my building. Sean owns such a car. Unease stirs in me, and I can’t help a small shiver of fear. I make a mental note to check the pepper spray in my bag when I pull over later. Sean has never stalked me. He gave me nightmares, for sure, but never came around looking for me.

  Maybe it’s not his car. And if it is, maybe it has nothing to do with me.

  The bad feeling persists, though, as I drive to the new office of Leon & Perez in the center of town, looking for my dad, and later, as I ride up to the sixth floor and enter their offices.

  I inform the secretary that I’m going in, and ignore her protests that I have no appointment, and that Mr. Leon isn’t available.

  Whatever.

  I enter his office and find him at his usual spot, behind his massive mahogany desk, his dark hair slicked back, his suit immaculate as always.

  “Dad.”

  “What are you doing here?” he snaps, and I fight a flinch. “Can’t believe you have the gall to show up here after messing up business on Saturday.”

  Business.

  “Where’s Mom?” She’s nowhere to be seen. “Why wasn’t she at the gala on Saturday? What’s going on?”

  “No idea what your point is.” My father scowls, but a flicker in his eyes tells me something’s off.

  “My point is…” I stop when a young woman enters the office from a side door, holding a folder. She can’t be much older than me. I think I’ve seen her around before but never thought much about it. Now I take in the super short skirt, the cleavage, and the hickey on her neck, I see the way she looks at my dad,
and things click into place.

  “What’s going on here?” I ask, even though it’s clear as day.

  As she looks up smiling and freezes in the process, I realize I’ve caught my father off guard—maybe for the first time, ever.

  “It’s not…” The woman’s eyes flick to my father and then back to me. “I’m...”

  “Tessa, enough.” My father stands, his face a thundercloud. “Get out of this office right now.”

  “Why, so you can keep screwing behind Mom’s back?”

  “You think she doesn’t know?” He gives a dry laugh that sounds painful. “What do you want?”

  “Jesus.” I wipe a hand over my mouth, trying to process all this.

  My perfect parents, who wouldn’t accept anything less than a perfect daughter. Who want to control my career as well as my personal life, who chose Sean for me and don’t care how much I suffered with him.

  “What I want,” I say, slowly and deliberately, “is for you to back out of my life.”

  He snorts and sits back down. “Another tantrum? Really, Tessa.”

  “You sold me to get your deal with the Anholts.”

  He rolls his eyes. “So melodramatic. I didn’t sell you. I only wanted you to talk to Sean. He’s heartbroken over your reaction. He’s a good man.”

  “No, he isn’t.” Anger makes me bold, bolder than I’ve ever been with him, and I cling to the heat it brings. “He hurt me. He forced me to do things…” I bite my lip, try to steady my voice. “He’s an asshole.”

  “Now, Tessa, don’t exaggerate.”

  “Exaggerate? You don’t know him.”

  He shifts, his leather seat creaking. “No. But he comes from a good family. He’s young. He’ll mature.”

  “He hurt me on Saturday. He hit me. He told me I’m a slut.”

  Dad lifts a brow. “Told you that if you behave like one, you’ll be treated like one.”

  I step back, the air leaving my lungs. I want to slap him and kick him and scream like a banshee. “You…” The words desert me. How can he say such a thing to me?

  He doesn’t care. Sean has his blessing to do what he will with me.

  “Are you done?” He nods at the young woman who flees the room. “Have we made enough of a spectacle of ourselves?”

  No, we haven’t, I want to say. You’re an asshole, as much as Sean. You should sit behind bars. I should curse you to hell.

  My hands clench at my sides. I try to think rationally. To decide what to do. This scene isn’t what I’d expected coming here. These revelations. This coldness in the face of the truth.

  What, you thought he’d break when you told him Sean hurt you? That he’d apologize and open his arms for you?

  Christ.

  “I want to talk to you about the future,” I manage through gritted teeth.

  “The future. Seriously?” He pretends to be bored, flipping through a file.

  My fists tighten until my nails bite into my palms. “I want to take a break from college, and those clubs you made me join.” Sweat trickles down my back. I ignore it. “I need some time out. Need to find myself, decide what I want to do with my life.”

  “We’ve had this conversation before. You don’t get to…” he pitches his voice high, “take some time off to find yourself.”

  “I’m not asking for your permission,” I bite out.

  “And who do you think will pay you to sit and do nothing?”

  “Christ, Dad. I don’t want your money. I’ll work.”

  “You? You will work?” He laughs, and I can’t stand it anymore.

  “I don’t want anything more to do with you,” I say and turn to go.

  “You think you can just walk out like that?” I hear his chair scraping on the floor. “Your car, your apartment, you think you can keep them without my say so?”

  “I’ll move out,” I shout at him, turning and walking backward. “Go on, show me how powerful you are. Take it all, take everything I own. You don’t own me, and you can’t sell me to the higher bidder. If Sean comes near me again, I’m asking for a restraining order.”

  My father stares at me, his eyes narrow and cold, and I feel a small flare of pride at his obvious shock and discomfort.

  But then he shakes his head and laughs again, loud and theatrical. “Let’s see how long this little rebellion will last.”

  He doesn’t get it. “It’s over,” I say and leave, shaking with adrenaline and sorrow.

  Your dominion over me is over.

  ***

  An hour later, I’m sitting in a café on campus, waiting for Erin to meet me, and I’m still shaking. Indoors, hunched over in an armchair, I should feel warm. The heaters are on and everyone is down to their T-shirts—but I’m still wrapped in my long coat and scarf.

  I don’t feel warm. I don’t feel good. Don’t know if I’ll ever feel good again. Right now it doesn’t seem like it, although I know time changes everything.

  Almost everything.

  Dylan…

  I shake my head at myself, for still wanting and hoping.

  Megan wanders by, Zane’s friend. He never told me how they met. She’s carrying a tray with dirty cups and glasses. She shoots me a smile, and I try to smile back, but my face feels numb.

  She stops, puts the tray down, and sits across from me. “Tessa, right? Are you okay?”

  I press my lips together and give a jerky nod.

  “You look like you need something warm and sweet. Wait here.”

  As if I have the energy to move. It seems only seconds before she returns with a tall, steaming mug and sets it in front of me.

  “Try this,” she says.

  It smells and looks like chocolate, and I’m a sucker for chocolate in any form, so I take a sip.

  “Good?” she asks, and I give her the first real smile I’ve managed all day.

  “Good.” It has spices in it and alcohol, and it warms my chest. “Delicious.”

  Megan sits and observes me, as if waiting for me to say more. Her dark hair is long and glossy, falling in smooth waves over her shoulders. Her eyes are the same color as the hot chocolate I’m sipping, deep and shadowed. Pretty.

  When it becomes obvious she won’t give up and go without me saying something first, I put down the mug.

  “I’ve just had a really bad weekend,” I say, although parts of it were hot and amazing, and I should forget about them, “and a really bad morning.”

  “Boy trouble?” she asks.

  “Life trouble.” I think of my dad cheating on my mom and the fact she knows about it—is it considered cheating if both parties know what’s going on?—of the control they have over me, of what I want to do with my life. Of Dylan. “I think I lost my way.”

  “We all have, at some point.” Her mouth twists, and she leans back, smoothing her hands over her black apron. Her hands are small and long-fingered, her skin like coffee with milk. “Hard to tell where you’re heading when you’re still walking down that road.”

  That makes me smile again. “You sound like you’ve been there.”

  She looks up, something flashing through her dark eyes. “I’m still there.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She shrugs. “Still trying to figure out where I’m heading. How to escape my past. What to do about the future. Isn’t that what you meant?”

  “Thereabouts.”

  She grins at me, her teeth very white in her nut-brown face. “And I know all about boy trouble.”

  Right. Megan likes Rafe, but Rafe is hard to read, and nobody knows if he’s interested. Lately, he’s gone off the radar altogether, and Zane is worried. Hell, we all are, but Zane seems to know more about Rafe’s past than any of us.

  “It’s more than that.” I pick up my mug again and stare into the swirling chocolate. “It’s also family trouble, and life-turn-about trouble… As for the boy, that’s ancient history.”

  Or should be.

  “Are we talking about Dylan? Because he looks very much
present, to me.” Megan scrunches up her pretty face, and I bite my tongue.

  Of course. She knows the whole Inked Brotherhood. Comes with the territory of being friends with Zane. And of course she knows I love Dylan.

  Not love. Loved. Past tense. It’s over now.

  Or should be.

  The memory of his strong arms around me, his lips on me, his body moving against mine… Why the heck did I ever think having sex with him would be a good idea?

  … Oh, right. I wasn’t thinking. Yesterday I refused to think, because I wanted it so much. And now…

  “You want to talk boys?” I mutter irritably, pissed at myself. “Then let’s talk about Rafe.”

  A blush colors her cheeks. “Let’s not.” She rises from her seat. “I should be working.”

  Crap. “God, Megan.” I rub my face with both hands. “Please ignore me today, okay? I’m in a bad mood.”

  “No worries.” She flashes me a quick smile and turns away, but not before I see pain flicker through her eyes.

  Good job, Tessa. Misery loves company, but that doesn’t mean you get to inflict pain on others just because you’re miserable. Not fair.

  Guilt, my constant companion, returns in a rush, and I bow my head. Dammit. Where is Erin? What am I doing here?

  What am I going to do?

  The downward spiral of my thoughts is broken by the ringing of my cell. I draw it out of my bag and hit the connect button.

  “Erin. Is everything okay? Where are you?”

  “Tess, sorry!” She sounds out of breath. “I completely forgot we were meeting for coffee, and when Dylan told us what happened, I said I’d take Miles home to shower and change and then take him to school, and now I’m too late to meet you.”

  What is she talking about? Did Dylan tell them what happened between us?

  “That’s okay. Hey, Erin…” I open my mouth, close it, and try again. “What do you mean about Dylan? What’s going on?”

  “Teo was sick again yesterday, so Dylan took him to the ER, and it turns out it’s more serious than they thought. Lyme disease, and they’d keeping the boy in until they’ve run a full battery of tests, and Dylan is staying by his side. But Miles needs to go to school, and Dylan doesn’t even have a car, so today he called again and asked us if we could help.”