Dylan

by Jo Raven

  “I’m sorry,” he says after a moment. “For what I said earlier. I didn’t know. I always thought…” He shrugs. “It doesn’t matter what I thought. I shouldn’t have said it.”

  Yeah. His words did sting. Then again, I wanted him to believe I slept with all those boys, wanted him to be jealous. “Forget it.”

  “It’s that simple, huh?” he says softly.

  “Nothing is simple.” I wish it were.

  “You’re right. Tess…” He turns to face me fully. “I can’t give you what you need.”

  I swallow hard. “And what’s that?”

  “This isn’t a fairytale, princess. And I’m not a prince.” His eyes are earnest. “I can’t offer you much. In fact, things are pretty rough around here, if it escaped your notice, and it doesn’t look like they’ll be improving any time soon.”

  His look is challenging, like he expects me to deny it, say I won’t run. Say I’m not a princess.

  But I say nothing. What are words worth?

  “You have interests,” he goes on. “Archaeology. Ecology. You have dreams.”

  “And you don’t?”

  “I’ve had to give up most of mine.”

  It makes me sad to hear him say so. “You can get them back.”

  “Not sure how. You’re so strong, Tess. I saw how you defended yourself the other night when that fucker got you. How you stood up to your parents. I wanted to tell you…”

  I wait, my heart in my throat. “What?”

  “That you deserve the best.”

  I shale my head. “So do you.”

  “I had the best. I had you.” There is wariness in his eyes and something that looks like regret and sorrow. “And I walked away.”

  “Dyl…” I don’t know what to say. Because what else is there to say, when he speaks of me as if I belong to the past?

  Silence stretches.

  “You should get going,” he says hoarsely. “Audrey and Ash will worry.”

  I nod and turn around. I pause. “You think I’ll run away because things are tough,” I whisper. “Because you’re no prince. What you don’t realize…” I glance at him over my shoulder, and I see it plainly, the pain in his gaze. “I’m only leaving because you won’t let me in.”

  ***

  My plan is to stay in bed—well, on the sofa—and wallow, eating ice cream and watching crappy shows with Audrey and Ash. Only problem is, this is the night the two have chosen to announce their big news, and we’re doing it at Erin and Tyler’s place. Tonight.

  How can I stay back? I can’t.

  So I tag along, smiling at Audrey’s nervous chatter and Asher’s nervous silence. Tyler opens the door, and we find everyone already sitting inside, drinking and eating Chinese take-out.

  Everyone but Dylan.

  I even see Rafe, who’s rarely seen at such meetings nowadays, his golden mane sheared short and his tawny gaze pensive. There’s Zane and Dakota and Erin, who comes to welcome us in.

  Ash takes a seat and pulls Audrey in his lap, and I retreat into the background as she shows her ring and waits for the excitement to pass before dropping the bigger bomb about the baby.

  Cheers erupt, and I find myself smiling again as I sink into a chair, unable to resist the torrent of happiness rushing through the room. Audrey gets up to let the girls hug her in turn, and Tyler grabs his brother in a bear hug, all misty-eyed. Rafe is sitting next to Zane, a distant look on his handsome face, and Zane is laughing and toasting Ash and Audrey with his soda.

  His dark eyes narrow when they fall on me. Zane is always sensitive to his friends’ moods, the emotional currents rushing around him, and I have to be the only strident note in this symphony of joy.

  “Tessa?” He glances one last time at Dakota, who’s talking animatedly with Audrey, and pushes off the stool where he was perched, moving toward me.

  Oh crap. “Hey, Zane.”

  “What’s up?” He towers over me, his Mohawk adding to his already impressive height. “Did something happen?”

  “Nope. Nothing happened.” I lift my hands and slump back. “Everything’s fine.”

  “You don’t fool me,” he mutters, shaking his head. “Does it have to do with Dylan not being here tonight?”

  “I’ve no idea why he’s not here tonight.” I shrug. “He probably couldn’t find a babysitter for his brothers.”

  Zane sinks down on his heels and looks up at me, his almond-shaped eyes serious. “What’s going on between you and Dylan?

  “Nothing’s going on between us,” I lie again.

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “And I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Look.” He puts a hand on my knee. “I love Dylan like a brother. That fucker has had my back for a long time now. But I swear, if he hurts you, there’ll be hell to pay. I’ll make sure of it.”

  “Don’t, Zane.” I stand up, and he lets his hand fall. “None of this is his fault. It’s mine. Letting go is difficult, that’s all. I’ll live. Don’t worry about me.”

  “But I do,” he whispers as I turn my steps toward Audrey and the other girls. “I sure as hell do.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Dylan

  Zane is standing in my living room, looking pissed as all hell. His Mohawk is growing tall again, dyed a deep purple, and his dark eyes are flat and angry. He’s already refused a beer, and it just shows how fucked up my brain is that I didn’t remember he doesn’t drink anymore—not after he ended up in a coma from alcohol poisoning a couple of months ago.

  “Care to explain what the hell you think you’re doing, fucker?” He glances at Dakota, who’s kneeling on the carpet, playing with Miles and Teo, and lowers his voice. “Are you out of your mind?” he hisses.

  “What?” My head is pounding, and I’m so cold I don’t think I’ll ever feel warm again. It’s evening. I’ve finished work, returned home, and I’m slumped on the sofa, pretending I don’t feel like a double serving of days-old roadkill. “What are you talking about?”

  “Tessa, that’s who I’m talking about.” He jabs a finger at me. “And you know it.”

  Okay, fine, so maybe I guessed that much. I was just hoping to avoid this conversation. “What do you want me so say, man?”

  “That you’ll stay away from her and stop making her sad. That chick would’ve jumped into a fire for you, and you go and give her hope and then break her heart again. Stay away from her.”

  Just like Asher told me I should. Fuck.

  “Did she say that?” My chest tightens, like I can’t draw enough air. Not see Tessa again? Not sure I can survive that. “Did she say she wants me to stay away from her?”

  He shrugs, sucks on the barbell in his tongue. “Not in so many words.”

  “Look, Z-man… She’s only helping me out with my brothers.”

  “You slept with her.”

  “Christ, Zane. It’s not like I forced her.” I rub my aching forehead. My whole body is a giant throb. “She wanted it, too.”

  Dakota turns her head and shoots me a look that could cut through glass.

  Ow.

  “That’s beside the point,” Zane mutters, running his hands over the shaved sides of his head. “Don’t you fucking get it?” He sits on the chair across from me and waves a hand in the air. “After the way her parents behaved, and that motherfucker of an ex… She needs space. She needs calm. She doesn’t need you fucking with her head to scratch an itch. Plenty of chicks who can do that for you, fucker, and Tessa is my friend.”

  Bitterness wells inside me. I thought I was his friend, too. I know it’s childish, but it stings. “I wouldn’t hurt Tessa.”

  “Guess what, genius? Too late for that.”

  Fuck.

  “Keep away from her, Dylan.”

  “Yeah? And what will you do if I don’t? Disown me?”

  “Seriously, fucker?” Zane sits up, scowling. “You wanna fuck with me? I’m gonna punch the living daylights out of you.”

  “You can try
,” I mutter. “Asshole.”

  “Hey, hey.” Dakota scoots over to us and sits between Zane’s legs. Her plaid skirt rides up over her high black stockings and military boots. “Enough. Now make up.”

  I sigh and lean back, raking my hands through my short hair. I don’t want to fight with Zane, or think about what I should and shouldn’t do with Tessa. My body is heavy, my thoughts sluggish, and darkness waits to draw me under. I fall through emptiness, spiraling down, images from the past flashing around me. I see Mom holding Teo. I see Dad reading his newspaper at the kitchen table.

  I see Tessa’s eyes, her smile. She’s holding me and telling me everything’s gonna be okay. She’s here, with me.

  “Dylan.” A woman’s voice, a hand shaking me.

  “Tess?” I slur. Why is she shaking me?

  “Dammit, Dylan,” Zane’s voice rumbles from a few feet away. “What’s up with you, man?”

  Wait—Zane?

  I blink my gummy eyes and focus on him. A glance to the side confirms it’s not Tessa who’s by my side. It’s Dakota, her large eyes wide.

  We’re in my living room, and last I remember, Zane was chewing me out over Tessa. “Shit. Sorry.”

  “You okay, Dylan?” Dakota releases my arm and sits back. “You drifted off for a second.”

  “I’m fine.” My standard response in the past months. Everything’s fine, nothing to see here, move along.

  Dakota gets up, smoothing her hands over her short skirt. “I’ll go make some coffee.”

  I watch her go, trying to gather my scrambled thoughts. I’d really thought Tessa was here, with me, and it had felt so damn good.

  So right.

  “Fucker…” Zane shakes his head, his face pinched. “You’re not on drugs, are you?” He keeps his voice low, but I risk a look at my brothers, who are playing in the corner of the living room, next to the space heater. Zane and Dakota brought them a box of brightly colored Lego blocks, and the boys love them. “Cuz if you are…”

  “I’m not.” I shift on the sofa, and every bone in my body hurts. “Just tired.”

  Fucking embarrassing, falling asleep in the middle of a conversation.

  “Maybe you need vitamins,” Zane says dubiously, his dark eyes on me. “Are you eating well?”

  “Yes, Mama Zane. I buy organic produce every day, and I cook holistic meals and shit. Satisfied?”

  “No, Christ, fucker, I’m not satisfied. And you haven’t answered the question.”

  “What, are you gonna fucking order me to eat well now, like you ordered me not to sleep with Tessa?” Fuck, I don’t mean to snap at him like that, but damn, I can’t think straight. “What do you want, man?”

  “The same as always.” Zane frowns and shoves his hands into his pant pockets, the hoops in his brow glinting. “For all my friends to be okay, to be happy.” He kicks at the carpet with his boot. “You’d think I’m asking for the fucking stars.”

  I sigh, let my hands hang between my legs. “You’re doing your best, Z-man, helping all of us, and you’ve had your fair share of problems. Don’t sweat it.”

  “If you’d just tell me how to help, fucker…” He falls silent when Dakota walks back inside with steaming mugs.

  “I found only the instant stuff,” she says apologetically and pushes a chipped mug with a ninja turtle print into my hands. “Here you go.”

  I nod and sip at the coffee, grimacing at the unexpected sweetness. Then again, if I look as bad as I feel, it makes sense she’d heap on the sugar.

  Zane accepts his mug and cradles it in his hands, looking around the living room. He hasn’t been here often, and I try to see the place through his eyes.

  The walls are bare, because when Dad abandoned ship a year ago I had a moment of rage and tore down everything, mainly posters and pressed flowers Mom left. The furniture is old and covered in throw rugs, because despite my best efforts to clean it the covers are stained and fraying. One leg of the coffee table has been repaired with duct tape. I can’t even remember when I did that. The curtains are grimy. The carpet filthy.

  Jesus. I remember my dad’s note in the cupboard. ‘Cleanse this house.’ Maybe he’s right.

  I wince, waiting for Zane to comment.

  But the seconds trickle by, turning into minutes, and Zane says nothing. Slowly he steps over to me and sits beside me on the sofa, next to Dakota.

  “About Tessa…” he starts, and I raise a hand to stop him.

  “That’s enough.”

  Moments trickle by. Zane sighs and nods.

  Dakota clears her throat. “Hey, you weren’t at Tyler and Erin’s place yesterday. Did you hear the news about Ash and Audrey?”

  I shake my head, then regret it when it feels like my brain rattles inside my skull. “What news?”

  “Ash and Audrey are having a baby. Ash proposed to her, and she accepted.” Dakota’s big eyes are soft with emotion, and Zane is grinning. “Isn’t it great?”

  “Wow.” I search for words. “That’s amazing.”

  “You should have seen how happy they look.” Dakota looks down, into her steaming mug. “It was awesome.”

  Asher always knew who he wanted to be with, and he fought against the odds until he convinced Audrey to be his.

  I also know who I want, who I’ve always wanted. Tessa. Only I fucked up, and now it’s too late. Damn, the thought of not seeing her, not having her around is a hot blade in my gut.

  “Can we do anything for you?” Dakota asks. “I could take Miles to school sometimes and babysit.”

  I’m grinding my jaw, and I force myself to stop. “That would be a huge help.”

  “What do you need?”

  “If you could babysit tomorrow afternoon, while I’m at work, that’d be fantastic. I’ve asked my neighbors to do it once too many.”

  Tessa would love to babysit, I hear Audrey’s voice in my head. She loves kids.

  Shit.

  “Deal.” Dakota smiles, and I do my best to smile back. “I’ll be here.”

  “Don’t you have classes or something?”

  “I’ll arrange it, take one afternoon off.”

  “And I can drop Miles off to school tomorrow,” Zane says.

  “Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.”

  I really am grateful—but the future stretches ahead of me, uncertain and going uphill. Maybe it’s the fatigue that plagues me, but I can’t help but wonder what will happen after tomorrow. Who will take the boys to school, who will protect Miles from the bullies, who will babysit while I work…

  How I will go on without Tessa’s bright smile.

  Although it feels good to have my friends here, hope has long deserted me, and I’m already bracing for the worst.

  ***

  Jim, the senior personal trainer at the gym, looks up as I enter and waves. “Hey, Dylan. Feeling better today?”

  “Yeah,” I say carefully, pasting on a smile. “Much better, thanks.”

  “Glad to hear it.” He gives me a thumbs up, and I return it.

  Two days ago, when he last saw me, I had to leave work because I almost passed out when getting up from a machine. Can’t even remember which one.

  Damn scary.

  So today I take it easy, fend off the advances of three chicks and help others with their exercises.

  Time passes way too slowly. At least I know Dakota is at home with my brothers, second day in a row, and that’s a weight off my shoulders. I’m going through the motions, ever since Tessa left my house saying she can’t do this anymore, ever since Zane and Dakota came over and told me to leave Tessa alone.

  Payback is a bitch, isn’t it? I made Tess suffer, and now it’s my turn.

  I want to make her happy, be the reason she smiles. I want to hold her, kiss her, fill her up until she screams with pleasure. Until she screams my name. Until my name is the only one in her thoughts.

  Too late for that now.

  Hours pass. The customers leave, and others arrive. I make my rounds, nodding and
exchanging empty pleasantries, my mind stuck on one face, one scent, one body.

  Tess…

  The day’s work is almost over, and the thought fills me with relief. My cell rings, and I answer absently while correcting the posture of a new guy using the chest fly machine. “Yeah?”

  “Dylan?” Dakota says. “Where are you?”

  “At the gym.” I step away from the machine, frowning. “What is it? Are the kids okay?”

  “Yes, they’re fine, although they keep asking for Tessa.” She sounds miffed, and I grin before I remember Tessa is off limits and not coming back.

  “Then what?”

  “Has she called you? Do you know where she is?”

  A cold feeling starts in the pit of my stomach. “What do you mean? I thought she’s staying with Audrey and Asher.”

  “Did she call you, yes or no?”

  “No, she didn’t call me.”

  “Crap.”

  My heart is hammering so hard it might crack a rib, and my head pounds. “Dakota, spill. Why the hell are you worried? What do you know?”

  “She wanted to go back to her apartment, grab some important papers. Audrey and Asher couldn’t go with her, and it seems she really needed to have those papers for her job, so…”

  “So you think she went alone?” I’m already moving, gesturing at Jim that I have to go and ignoring his what-the-fuck-now expression. “Dammit, Dakota, I’m going to go find her.”

  I expect her to tell me not to go, to keep away from Tessa, but maybe she’s just as worried as I am, because that’s not what comes out of her mouth.

  Instead she says, “When you do find her, give me a call, okay?”

  “Sure.” I disconnect, call a cab, grab my bag from the locker and step out into the cold. A violent shiver goes through me, and I zip up my jacket.

  Be okay, Tess.

  The cab arrives and I jump in, directing the driver to the fancy neighborhood Tessa used to live. Or maybe she wants to move back there?

  There’s nothing I can give her…

  The cab drops me in front of her building, and I jog to the entrance. I ring the intercom, but I get no reply. So I pull out my cell and call her.

  Please, Tess, answer. Please.

  “Dylan?” Her surprise comes through, loud and clear over the line. “Hey.”