Backfire

by J. R. Tate

  “My point exactly, Eva. My point, exactly.”

  She pressed her forehead against the glass, catching right on to what Gregg was insinuating. If anyone could get through a crisis, it would be Mikey. If she had half the resiliency that man did, she’d be doing just fine.

  Chapter Eighteen

  As the day progressed, Michael got worse. The pain in his chest was sharp, hindering him from being able to move much at all. His breaths came out in sharp pants and with every second, the pain grew worse. The wound in his side was still bleeding, but thankfully wasn’t as bad as earlier. He could only go about ten steps before he had to stop. The fire was moving at a much quicker pace than they were going. When it came down to it, Michael didn’t want to be left behind, but each time he looked at Trevor, he reminded himself why it was important to let Lawton get him out.

  “Lawton, I’m serious. It’s time to leave me behind and get him out of here.” He pointed at Trevor, set on not taking no for an answer. “I’m getting worse. The fire is moving faster. It’s a no brainer.” He sat down, feeling some alleviation from the pain for the first time in a few hours.

  Trevor sat beside him, handing him his canteen that he had dangling from his neck. “Are you getting sicker?” The boy looked up at him with such innocence, still seeming to be unaware of the immediate danger they were in.

  Michael shook his head yes and took a long swig of the water. “Yeah, buddy, it’s not looking so good for me.” The smoke was thick and even if he didn’t have the lung injury, he was sure breathing would be a hard task. He put the canteen back around his neck.

  Trevor grabbed his hand. “You helped me. Why won’t you let us help you?”

  The boy’s question hit Michael blindside. How was he going to explain this to a young child? There was no way to put it into a four year old’s perspective. “I’m um…” He took his fire helmet off and ran his hand through his wet hair. He couldn’t find the appropriate words. “I…”

  Lawton kneeled down at eye level with Trevor. “You and I are going to go find help, okay? That’s how Michael is going to allow us to help him.” He looked at Michael from the corner of his eye. “Do you understand, Trevor?”

  Nodding, the boy pushed the canteen back to Michael. “Keep this. We’re going to get help.”

  Michael couldn’t help but laugh at how grown up he was acting. It was amazing that he wasn’t freaking out over what was transpiring. “Thanks Trev. You’ve already been a great help, so I appreciate it.” He patted him on the head. “Don’t give Jack any grief, alright?”

  Trevor leaned in and hugged him, brushing up against Michael’s side where his wound was. It was painful and he cringed, but tried to hide the fact that he was hurting him. He hugged him back, gritting his teeth to keep from yelling out.

  “We’ll be back.”

  “I know you will be, Trev. Thanks.” He knew it was likely that he probably would never see the boy again. It was bittersweet and sad that they had to fib to the child about what was going on. He was more emotional than he thought he’d be about it. A part of him was scared about being left there. He didn’t want to die alone. He wanted to fight through his injuries and walk out with them, assuming that Lawton would be able to find a way. The time and the weather were not on his side. He was going to stick with how he had been trained. Get the civilian out, especially since it was a child involved. They were first in rescue plans, even if it meant allowing himself to perish.

  Lawton gripped Michael’s shoulder, flashing him a look of sympathy. “I mean what I say in going to find help. I’ll be coming back and we’re gonna get you out of here.”

  Michael let out a low laugh, regretting it. It felt like a sword was stabbing through his entire midsection. “Bullshit, Lawton. Can you do me one favor, though?”

  “Of course I can.”

  Michael swallowed the little moisture he had in his throat. “Tell my brother Casey to stay strong. Tell him that no matter what, to stay clean. In the long run it’ll be the best thing he could ever do for himself. He’ll know what I’m talking about.” He adjusted his weight and fought through the emotion. “Tell my mother that I’m sorry that she’s having to go through this all again. She warned me about becoming a fireman and as always, she was right. And the last thing I need you to do is tell Eva that I love her. Tell her that I’m always going to be with her. Tell her that I never believed in love at first sight until I met her.” Again, he laughed, taken aback by what he was saying. It didn’t sound like himself. “Sounds corny as hell, but please do it, okay?”

  Lawton grabbed his hand and squeezed. “If I have to, I’ll tell them. I’m going to make damn sure that I won’t have to, though. I’m going to go get help. I’ll be back.”

  Nodding, Michael gave a small salute toward Trevor as Lawton picked him up and made his way southwest, staying on the same track they had planned on. Michael felt tears sting his eyes and tasted the salt as they lingered on his lips. He looked in their direction until they disappeared out of view. Maybe Lawton could bring help back, but Michael wasn’t too hopeful about it. At least Trevor had a chance, even if it was possible that Lawton might not be able to find a way out.

  Turning his head to the side, he watched the towering wall of smoke that had been trailing behind them. Shaking his head, he forced a smile and closed his eyes as he leaned back against a tree.

  “What in the hell did I get myself in to?”

  ***

  Casey knew that asking for a leave for a few hours from the center would be an instant denial after revealing what he had to his therapist. He had to leave. He couldn’t take this. He had just gotten word that now Mikey was believed to be not only missing, but dead. He began to panic as he paced at the foot of his bed. His roommate was out, and in a way, Casey was thankful for that. At the same time, he wished he were there to have someone to vent it out to.

  His phone had been ringing off the hook with calls from his mother. He didn’t want to answer it and talk. He’d freak out more just hearing what kind of turmoil she was in from the bad news. Leaning against the wall, he rested his forehead against the textured paint and let out a few sobs. Was his big brother really dead? There’s no way. Mikey couldn’t be dead.

  Wiping his face clean, he silenced his phone, taking note of two more missed calls from his mom. He didn’t even check to see if she had been leaving voicemails. Sticking the phone in his pocket, he grabbed a baseball cap and put it on, trying to act normal as he exited his room. If he couldn’t get approval to leave, he was going to sneak out. He couldn’t stay there for another minute. He was like a caged in mouse stuck in a maze.

  “Hey Casey, we’re all gonna hang out on the patio this evening if you wanna join us!”

  Casey tried not to make contact with whoever it was speaking to him. He was so bad with names and he didn’t even try to attempt to figure it out now. He nodded and waved his hand in acknowledgement, keeping his head low; finding comfort in the minimal coverage the bill of the hat was giving him. He found a side exit and was glad that the parking lot didn’t have many people in it. He almost wanted to laugh at how easy it was to sneak away, but then again, it wasn’t exactly a prison.

  He wasn’t even sure where he was headed or what he was going to do. He started walking down the street he remembered taking that led him to downtown Austin. It wasn’t real close, and if he wanted to get to that part of the city, he was looking at about a ten-mile walk. Did he really want to go to downtown? Was he in search of some drugs? His head was so jumbled with everything that he just walked, going wherever it looked appealing.

  The highway was pretty busy with traffic, so he stayed off to the side. Some cars slowed down to look and some sped past as if he wasn’t even there. For a few minutes, he debated on hitching a ride if there would be anyone willing to stop for him.

  He craved the cocaine and the burn that shot through his nose as he snorted it. It had been so long since he had felt the sensation that the miracle drug gave him.
That initial burn, followed by the numbing effect, not only physically, but the numbing of all of his problems and issues. Compared to everything he had been through, the news of Mikey’s death was the worst. Screw sobriety. Screw it all. What was he going to do now without his big brother? He still believed it was his fault that this all happened. As they had pounded it into his head from the moment of recovery – every choice has a circumstance, even the ones from way back in your past. Casey had dissected it all back to the first time he had ever tried drugs. That decision had led to Mikey’s death.

  He felt himself on the verge of crying again, finally finding a side road to walk down that was away from the highway. It was a residential area with houses a few acres apart. He walked toward a wooded area of the neighborhood where a swing set and some playground equipment was located. He sat down on a swing and buried his face in his hands. Part of his sobriety he could give thanks to Mikey for. And now he was gone. The tears streamed down his face and he cried so hard that he made himself sick.

  Just one bump of cocaine would help in so many ways. Just one sniff of the white powder would fix this. He gripped the chains of the swing as tight as he could, watching as his knuckles turned white. Grabbing his phone, he dialed his mom. He was being selfish with making her worry about him along with Mikey.

  She answered immediately. “Casey, oh thank God, I’m glad you finally answered.”

  “Hey ma, I’m sorry.”

  “Son, are you okay?”

  He looked up and watched as a group of kids were running toward the playground, hand in hand with a woman coming up behind them. He left the area, not wanting any more attention on him. A man crying on a swing stuck out like a sore thumb.

  “I’m okay. Are you?” It was an all out lie and he was certain she would know that.

  “Just because they say he’s dead doesn’t mean he is, so don’t allow yourself to believe it just yet.”

  Casey couldn’t help but roll his eyes. She was always optimistic. Too bad he didn’t inherit that from her. “Obviously it’s bad enough down there for them to leave two of their guys behind, right?”

  “Not necessarily, Casey. You know that their first duty is to make sure that the victims are okay. Maybe they called off the search for other victims. There’s still a chance.”

  He continued to walk down the residential road, wondering if people at the recovery center had caught on to him leaving and what kind of repercussions he’d face when he got back, especially if he did get his hands on a substance.

  “Ma, I’m real close to using.” It was abrupt, but the only way he could make himself tell her.

  “What did you say?”

  She knew exactly what he said. “The only thing keeping me from it is that I can’t find any. I’m not exactly in a drug infested area.”

  “Casey, please don’t use. Are you not at the center?” Her voice was shaky and it hurt him to hear his mother on the verge of tears. He had hurt her so much before. What was he thinking?

  “No, I’m a couple miles away. I had to get out of there before the walls caved in o me. Using is the only thing I can think of to make this all go away. I can’t do this. He can’t be dead!” He yelled into the phone, feeling slightly embarrassed when his voice echoed.

  “You need to go back to the center and talk to someone. Please Casey. Do it for Mikey. Still be sober when they find him and bring him home. I’m begging you, son.”

  Casey was shaking and pulled the phone away from his ear as he bent over, more cries escaping from his throat. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m putting you through this bullshit when there are bigger problems. I’m a selfish asshole.”

  “No you’re not. Now get back to the center and don’t use. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. I love you, Case.”

  He swallowed the bile in his throat and bit his bottom lip. “I love you too, ma. I’m headed back.” He hung up the phone and backtracked toward the recovery center, shocked at how much ground he had covered. He didn’t realize that he had walked so far. He was scared to death. He had gotten so close to relapse, ruining everything he had done.

  His legs were tired and aching when he got back. He stopped in his tracks when he saw a group of therapists and the center director standing at the entrance, holding the door open for him as he walked up. He held his hand up and knew that he must look like crap. Their first suspicion would obviously be that he had used.

  “I’m clean, I promise.”

  Todd handed him a specimen cup. “We gotta make sure.”

  Shrugging, Casey grabbed it and led Todd to the bathroom. “No problem.” The walk did him some good to calm down and work out a lot of the things he had jumbled up inside his mind. “Just needed to take a little walk.”

  “This about your brother?” Todd asked.

  Casey nodded his head yes. He wasn’t sure what else to say, so he walked to a urinal and gave Todd the sample he needed to prove that he hadn’t relapsed. It was a minor victory, a battle won, but the war was still raging on out in the real world.

  ***

  Lawton tried not to look back as he jogged through the woods. There were times where he was in an all out run, hoping deep inside that he wouldn’t trip on something. It was a good thing that Trevor was such a small boy. The added extra pounds didn’t hurt him too much.

  The smoke was growing thicker and the visibility was very poor. He handed his mask to Trevor, allowing the child to get a few puffs of the fresh air. Back in his mind he could hear his trainer screaming at him to keep the mask on himself, but the boy was coughing and he couldn’t hog it. He already felt horrible for leaving McGinnis back there. He had second-guessed himself the moment they stepped away from him. The what if’s and could have’s crept in, immediately haunting him. He could also hear the movie quotes and people saying to never leave a man behind.

  “The smoke is bad,” Trevor said. “Why is it getting bad?”

  Lawton puffed on the mask, his instincts screaming at him that they were near the edge of the circle that had closed them in. “I think we’re close to getting out of here, Trev.”

  “So we’ll be able to help Mikey?” The boy’s eyes lit up with excitement.

  “Yeah, I’m hoping we can. That’s why I’m running. The quicker we are, the better.” His lungs burned from the polluted air, along with every muscle in his body that was screaming out for him to stop and rest. He was never good at long distance running, and it was times like this that made him regret not working out more than he did.

  He was wheezing and stopped for only a second to allow both of them to get a couple quick swings of water from the canteens. Lawton couldn’t get the image of helpless McGinnis leaning against a tree, left alone with death right behind him, headed toward him so fast that if they waited any second longer, it’d be too late. With how thick the smoke was, Lawton knew they were close to being out. His concern was if there were any breaks in the fire to allow them to get through, or if it’d be the same story as it was back behind them.

  He found the edge of a hill, trying to get a good vantage point. There was a small trail that looked to be wide enough to get through. Pointing, he showed Trevor where they were headed.

  “See that small dirt road right there?” Trevor nodded, soaking in the information. “That’s our way out, right there.” It was another quarter of a mile. He picked the child back up and pushed through the pain and discomfort. There was no telling how far they would have to go before they could contact someone to get some help on the way. Maybe the radio would work, or at least he might have a signal on his cell phone.

  He wiped his sweat away with his free hand. Lawton’s heart pounded as they got close to the wall of flames. Slowing his pace, he took in the view. He had never seen anything like it before. Again, he second-guessed himself. Could they get through? The dirt road wasn’t real wide, but the flames appeared to have not combined over it yet, almost like God was watching and opened up that narrow pathway just for them.


  They broke through and Lawton put Trevor down when they got farther away from the fire zone. Bending over, he kept the mask on in an attempt to get his breath back. He tried to work up a new course of action in what they were going to do to get Michael some help.

  “There’s some firemen over there!” Trevor pointed south of where they were. “Can they help?”

  Lawton dropped his mask and looked up, seeing several men running in their direction. One of them was yelling, but he couldn’t tell what was being said. Was this real or was it like those mirages people talk about seeing in situations like this? Could they really be that lucky? A narrow pathway to get through and a group of firefighters right there to help on the other side? How was that even possible after everything that had happened?

  “Sir, are you two okay?” One of the firemen approached them. “What happened?”

  “I’m Jack Lawton with the Manor Fire Department. We found this boy during our search and rescue. We got trapped…” He tried to remember when, but the days had gotten away from him. “I don’t even know when we got lost.”

  The man nodded. “Yeah, you’ve been all over the news. Where’s your partner at?”

  Lawton took in a deep breath, still trying to recover from the long distance run he had just experienced. He’s injured. Still back inside. I had to get Trevor out and come get some help to get him out.”

  “Amazing. Just amazing. You realize that the fire in this area has made one giant circle around the area? You guys must’ve been stuck inside of it.”

  “We need to get Trevor here some medical attention. Not sure how much smoke he took in through all of that. And we gotta get inside there and get McGinnis out. The fire was really close when I left him. There’s not much time.” He saw the hesitation on the man’s face and pointed his index finger into his chest. “And I’m not taking no for an answer, damn it. There’s a way in if we hurry. It’s possible. There’s no reason to allow a man to die if I know a way in to get him. I can’t let him die.”