My mind was working overtime on figuring Gray out. The things that eventually got me were his patience and his silence. He was all right with me not interrogating him, not talking to him. He was fine with me giving him nothing in return apart from my answers to Dan’s and Jay’s entries. And he didn’t seem to know what any of us had written.
Gray was, and stayed, a blank page until one day when I decided to ask him what there was in it for him.
You know, people aren’t selfless. Even if they seem to act out of altruism there is still an ulterior motive. Even, if it’s just to calm their conscience. And when Gray and I got to talk one day, he was very open about what his motive was.
Taking the time to talk to me was risky for John, but he did, because I asked him, and he answered absolutely honestly, as I could hear from his heartbeat. And his answer was somewhat strange and yet flattering, considering that John – or Gray as I always called him – is old enough to be my uncle.
John grew up an orphan, moving from foster home to foster home as he was too old when he lost his parents in a car crash without any other family members. He joined the military because it gave him a sense of family and he was good at following orders, which made him end up at the fortress. But the only family like ties he witnessed there were the ones that happened after I turned up there. After I healed Jay and with him all the others. However, he knew that he wanted to be part of my family after I managed to reach Nina and that was it for him.
And there you have it. The ultimate motive: love. After my escape, when Jay and Nina were brought back to the fortress to heal, he was tasked to watch the injured and when Nina improved, to watch her. And from the simple duty grew interest and eventually fascination, until she was brainwashed to make her more compliant. Which was when John knew, he had to do something. Since he had done some tasks for Valerie Winters, he followed all her trails, trying to contact me through them. And eventually, Austin noticed a message.
So, that’s it. Gray wants me to save Nina, and he wants to be part of the pack. He knows that I don’t have any idea how to make him a beast and he’s fine with that, as long as he can come with us.
Of course, I am skeptical about this, but all this man has done ever since he managed to contact us was help. Yes, this could be one big trick, a con, administrated by Peter, but I tested him, to make sure I could trust him.
When Peter sent him to retrieve the anti-virus from the deposit box I told him about, I asked Gray to also access the box next to that one, and bring the second syringe to me. Needless to say, it was a fake one, holding the original virus Austin had recreated from Valerie’s research files. It had been a backup plan, just to be sure.
Gray gave that syringe to me without hesitation after we had returned from my daily visit at Dr. Doe’s and I told him that he could keep it and use it on himself whenever he felt he was ready. There were more of that should he want to become one of us. And in truth, the second syringe with the true anti-virus was still in Austin’s hands.
And here is another part of our plan. I knew that there was a chance that Peter would allow me to order stuff for a nursery and the baby if I asked for it. Because he could be generous to me without losing face to the board. I ordered through a fake online shop, mirroring a real one. Depending on what I ordered, Austin knew that I was okay and which phase of my plan was currently active. He knew that Peter would be sending men to retrieve the anti-virus through my wish-list, and he knew when to send me the second syringe from what I ordered through the fake online shop. It was hidden in a body lotion.
I can’t believe that it actually worked. But Peter was too distracted by watching me, by trying to outsmart me, so that he was one step ahead of me.
We weren’t even on the same chess board.
I’ve learned from my past mistakes. I know that a few people – beasts or not – would never take down such a big player on their own. I’ve learned that allowing yourself to be led by your emotions will have you making mistakes. And most importantly, if I want something to work, I must plan it myself, and without Jay’s influence.
I promised myself that no one would die this time, or at least no beast, no family member of mine. Because that’s what they are to me: family.
Day 401
You see, when selfish people think of generosity, they truly mistake it for tit for tat. But real generosity is selfish, real generosity is thanked without a bad conscience. As soon as gratefulness is expected for a present, this present is spoiled fruit, rotten. The last thing I feel when thinking of Peter Severin is grateful.
Yes, he took me to see the beasts who were confused about their leader’s absence. He took me there to give me a bad conscience, to make me believe that their misery was my fault when it was his right from the beginning. Peter might have beast-like abilities, but when you are looking at it correctly, he is nothing but a half-breed. And, what is even more important: he is not part of my family.
Sometimes masterminds can be so stupid. And that usually happens when they fail to master their minds.
All the time we walked through the corridors, towards the pit where the beasts were exercising under a seemingly open sky, I thought of Jay, I worried about him. I used these feelings to keep my mind occupied and to show that kind of facial expression Peter would read and believe he had control over me, when he didn’t. I preyed on his belief that he felt he had already won, when he hadn’t.
So, when we stepped out and fresh air filled my lungs, the hardest thing for me was to keep up my act. The only thing I could do to prevent this from happening was this; I had to continue thinking about the possibility that Jay might die, that he might choose to die and there was nothing I could do. It wasn’t in my power to make him change his mind, and even if it was, I wouldn’t use any force on him to change his decision.
When we were out there, he didn’t introduce me or do anything else that would draw the soldier’s attention to me. Obviously, he wanted to show me who was in charge in Jay’s absence and I didn’t do anything to draw Peter’s attention away from what his eyes, were perceiving. But I could feel it, I could sense it. I was standing half a step behind Peter and he didn’t notice the shift in the air that was surrounding us. Maybe, it’s really because he’s not the same kind of beast all of us are, maybe he was just too distracted by his own power.
But they knew. They didn’t stop their violent exercise, in which they, once again, didn’t pull punches, because Peter was arriving. They stopped because I was there. And maybe not even because of me, but because of the life that was growing beneath my heart. A true beast, not a created one like all of them were, a natural beast, even more natural than I was, a conceived one. Maybe they could sense who its father was, maybe they just knew that this unborn beast was untouched, unspoiled, innocent, and pristine. This little being – that much I could see in their eyes as they looked right past Peter and straight at me – needed to be protected at all cost.
And it needed to be born in freedom.
After that, I knew, there was no need to convince any of them. I didn’t even have to talk to them. And although we beasts can’t talk telepathically – not as Danny and I can – there was a silent understanding, and a silent oath each and every one of them vowed looking at me.
It was only then that Peter realized that they weren’t watching him, listening to him, that whatever words he had spoken had been left unheard.
He turned around and looked at me, saw my changed expression, the determination on my face, and along with it that smile lingering at the corners of my mouth, when our glances collided.
It was true satisfaction that took over my body when I saw how realization stuck him. But it was already too late, his arrogance had already broken his spine, his brain just hadn’t realized that he wouldn’t be able to use his legs anymore. That second, that split second was all I needed, because he forgot to lean on his cane he always took with him when he met all the other beasts. He noticed it a little bit too late, but everyone al
ready had seen it.
I didn’t change my expression, didn’t show him his defeat, and he corrected himself fast enough that when he turned around no one seemed to have noticed. He was mistaken. He already had lost them the moment he took me out there with him, while Jay was MIA. He just proved them right with that final, fatal mistake.
What he said after that was left unheard like the words before. When Peter turned, and walked past me towards the exit, he still expected me to follow him instantly.
I did turn and follow him, falling in line with his steps, using my enhanced speed, which was superior to any other beast I had seen, but not before I smiled at the soldiers who were left behind, staring at me, not before nodding at them and receiving a nod in return.
Now all that needed to happen was for Jay to open his eyes... or to die.
Waiting for him was a risk that I shouldn’t have taken, but I didn’t have any say in that matter. Of course, I could have just left him behind, proceeding with my plan, but I knew deep down inside that if he chose to live, I would have to return and get him. So, that was why I gave him three additional days.
Three, because that would be the amount of days Peter would be alerted by what had happened at the pit. And, of course, Peter wouldn’t take me there again. Of course, he wouldn’t take Daniel there either. I was surprised that Dan was still there when I returned, but Peter separated us after that. The next day, when I returned from Dr. Doe, Dan was gone.
Day 402
There had been a great chance that this would happen. I knew that, and I expected that actually, but it was still a blow to my heart when I returned to my room and Daniel was gone.
I allowed my emotions to take over. I dove deep into that dark pool I keep locked away in the darkest corner of myself that were my emotions, when I had checked every room – the nursery and the bathroom – realizing that Dan had been removed from my apartment.
My mind knew that this was the obvious move that I shouldn’t be surprised, and my mind wasn’t. Still, my heart screamed out in agony. And this time, I allowed it to take me over. I allowed that scream to be heard, to claim my vocal chords, to rule my body as I fell onto my knees. And I could taste that primal fear on my tongue.
Jay was fighting for his life or giving it away, and Daniel was gone, far from my reach. I was all alone again, captive, Peter’s prisoner. There was nowhere for me to run, no shoulder to lean on, no neck to bury my face against. I was alone, bare, naked, stripped of comfort. I let my darkest fears break free and take over my body, and I sunk deeper and deeper into myself, into the darkness, until I heard it. Until I heard my heartbeat and Danny’s. And there I was again, floating in a starless night, feeling water surrounding me, feeling me inhaling that dark and thick liquid, while all I could hear were those two heartbeats, again.
Don’t be scared, Danny. Don’t be worried. I just must face my fears so once I stand right in front of them, they won’t render me helpless anymore. Do you understand?
Silence. Silence was what I heard, with those two beats echoing in the background. But what I felt was anything but silence. I knew he understood.
So, there was I, on the floor of the apartment given to me, which was never meant to be the place where I would live and see Danny grow up. I gave in to all my fears, all my worries, all the horrific possibilities that lay before me if I failed. I let go of all of them, set them free like caged birds, until there was nothing left, not even a single atom of all that which threatened to paralyze me.
I don’t know for how long I cried and sobbed on that floor. I don’t know how I managed to get onto my bed. I don’t know how long it took me to soak my pillow, or how long it took me to fall asleep from exhaustion.
When I woke, I felt different. It was as if I had shed an old skin that had confined me, restricted me. I like to think that after that deep and dreamless sleep, my own transformation had finally been completed. If not physically then at least mentally.
As I opened my eyes, my vision seemed clearer than ever and sharper than ever, but not only to my eyes, but to my mind as well. I knew that out there somewhere, all the pieces slowly took their designated places on the board. There was only one thing for me to do. Remove the rook. And I knew that would only work with a trap. I have a few in mind for him, I just didn’t know which one would work best.
I couldn’t help myself, I had to visit Jay. Especially since Daniel had been taken from me, and I had no idea where to look for him. Of course, there was the obvious choice. But I had to make Peter believe that I wouldn’t look where I had found Daniel in the first place. The smartest way to hide something is to hide it in plain sight, and of course that would mean putting Daniel exactly where he had been when I got here.
The cruelest thing about all of this was that I couldn’t touch him. Yes, of course, I had gloves and a mask but the risk was still too high. My body might be able to fight off the anti-virus but I had no idea if little Danny could. So, all I could do was stand there and look at Jay, nothing else. Nothing else, but talk to him. But what was there to say? There were no words left. All I wanted to tell him, I already had said. And I couldn’t take his hand and place it on my belly, for him to feel how his son moved.
“You should know, Jay,” I told him. “I forgive you. For all that you think was either your fault, or your doing, I do forgive you. Nothing of what has happened to either me or anyone else was your responsibility. If you think it was, if you believe you need forgiveness, I forgive you, Jay. This is your chance to leave your past behind and start anew. To live, to protect, to take responsibility for nothing else, but your own deeds. The clock is ticking. I don’t want to leave you behind.”
It was so hard to pull my hand back, when all I wanted was to place it on his forehead, give him any kind of touch and connection that might influence his decision. But it felt like fate that I couldn’t. It was his decision to make and only his. And because of that I was furious when Peter showed up right then, as if he had eavesdropped from the other side of the door or watched me with some device and had waited for the right moment to enter.
I didn’t have to turn around to recognize him. By then, all my senses already knew how to identify him. I didn’t move, because it took all my discipline to not attack him instantly. God, how much I wanted to rip this man into tiny shreds of flesh and bone, and color the white floor panels, red with his blood. It was this image that helped me to breathe evenly. And my mind reminding my heart, that a quick death was not the right punishment for Peter.
“There has been no improvement, unfortunately,” he said, as he slowly walked up to us, threatening to erase my words from my lover’s mind. “I doubt he can hear you.”
I stayed silent, continuing to sit on the stool next to Jay’s bed. My hands twitched, driven by the unbearable need to do something, anything. If they weren’t allowed to move and kill Peter then at least to touch Jay. Both were out of the question, so I entwined my fingers and waited.
“How are you feeling?” Peter changed the subject as he realized I wasn’t willing to join that conversation.
He now stood right next to me, looking down at me. I moved nothing more than my head and glanced at him, not saying a word, waiting until the silence was making him uncomfortable.
“I know I get the daily reports,” he continued, “but I want to know how you feel,” he emphasized the last word.
“You don’t want to know how I feel, Peter,” I finally answered, keeping my tone as even as humanly possible. “You want me to tell you how worried I am for Jay and Daniel. You want me to beg you to give Dan back to me. You want to see tears in my eyes, as I lie to you and tell you I am okay, when I am terrified, scared, and defeated. But you don’t want to know how I really feel.”
The way Peter looked at me, changed, just briefly, but I saw it. My words had struck a nerve; one he had told me wasn’t there for me. For a split-second I saw a dark hunger, and I sensed an outburst of tension, as he held himself back from doing something. The o
nly thing he did was part his lips for less than half an inch for a moment, not moving, just staring at me.
As a response, I slightly, briefly, tilted my head to the side, daring him to follow his impulse. I knew what he was thinking, I could sense it. I wanted him to give it a try and learn that reality would not match his imagination. Not in the slightest. He was thinking of grabbing me, pressing me up against the wall behind me and kissing me, while he tore away my clothes with his inferior claws. I knew that he somehow believed or rather hoped that his lust would be infectious and that I would just give in. Yet, a part of him knew better. And it was that part that held him back. Because the second he would lay his dirty hands on me I would dig my claws right into his testicles and rip them off. Never, ever would I allow Peter to touch me like that. And deep down, he knew that.
Peter turned away and looked at Jay again, and, after a moment, so did I.
“I really want to know, Meg,” Peter said after another long pause. “I am interested in your wellbeing.”
“Right now, I feel annoyed,” I almost cut him off and got onto my feet, turning back towards him, and invaded his personal space with a single step, daring him again to follow his impulses.
This time, it was him who only moved his head to look right back at me, our faces just a few inches apart. And, of course, his eyes moved as his attention jumped to my lips for a blink of an eye. He could act like he wasn’t still into me all he wanted, but his body was betraying him. I smiled at him, gleefully.
My Beasts And Me (The Beast And Me Book 7) Page 9