Somehow, I feel as if Peter wants him to die, because that would be harder on me than Jay returning to being a human. Maybe that’s the reason he didn’t allow me to stay long enough to at least talk to Jay.
But I can visit him. And I will.
Day 398
I couldn’t get myself to go and visit him all day. I wish that I had some absolutely forgivable explanation, but I don’t. The explanation I am going with is that I’m scared that simply by being in the same room with him I might get infected with the anti-virus, but I could still go and watch him through the monitoring window.
In the end, Daniel went to see Jay. I wasn’t there with him, so I don’t know what he did, I can only assume. I know that Dan wouldn’t risk his Godchild’s or my health, so he definitely won’t touch him, but I am sure that he will talk to Jay and tell him that Danny and I are okay. But the rest, I really don’t know. I can see Daniel scolding him, and telling him that he should suck it up because he’s going to be a father. That he should be ashamed to be weak like that. But I can also imagine Dan promising Jay that he will take care of me and the baby.
Either way, I don’t want to be there and watch. I don’t want to be there and eavesdrop on them. I must think of other things. I now have responsibilities that are going beyond my own happiness. I’m going to be a mom.
I am going to be a mom.
Someday soon a little beast will come into this world. And this little bean will be my responsibility. I will have to make sure that his childhood memories will be the best. I want him to never suffer from what I went through after my parents separated. If Jay should die, I can’t and I won’t erase him from Danny’s past. He will grow up knowing that his dad passed, but that his dad loved him.
I don’t want to explain this to my little beast. So, you’d better suck it up, Jay, and survive this. This was my present to you, Jay, so you’d better not ruin this.
God, I must tell him. I must tell him myself. He has to hear me say this to him. For once, he needs to fight; for once he must embrace his fate, accept it and make the best of it.
I went to see him. I went to Dr. Doe first and asked him for a mask and gloves that would help me avoid getting infected and then I went to see Jay.
I just had to talk to him. Of course, Daniel was with me the entire time, watching me like a hawk. Who would have imagined that of all the beasts, Daniel would be that overly protective of me and the baby?
Peter watched us. I know he did. Why shouldn’t he? I would watch us if I were in his shoes. So, I’m not going to write something that didn’t happen or alter anything…
Talking to Jay, while he was in this state, connected to IV’s and tubes, keeping him alive, supporting him while he was deliberating whether to fight or give up… it was the hardest thing. Not being in control, not being able to take control, or anticipate what might happen… it’s just cruel.
I never want to feel like that again. So helpless…
“Hi, Jay,” I talked to him, still searching for the right words, or any words for that matter. “It’s me, Meghan.” I remembered how he preferred calling me by my full name rather than using the nickname Dan preferred. “I need you to listen to me, Jay. Can you do that?” For a moment, I did consider waiting for any response of his when there was barely a chance he even heard me. “Peter injected you with the anti-virus. But, not because he developed it. He got it from me.” Again, I waited for some sort of reaction, but of course, there wasn’t any, not even a micro-movement a beast could have noticed. “I knew that he would be furious for not getting Val’s research. I knew because of that he would use it and I knew that chances were high that he would use it on you. Not only because I chose you over him, not only because I carry your child, but because you did something he didn’t expect, you were willing to die and take everyone with you, and because it would hurt me. So, this is why you are lying here, unconscious, battling for your life, because the beast-virus and the anti-virus are battling each other, recoding and encoding your DNA.” I made a pause, still hoping for any reaction when I knew that it was futile. “So, here is the thing, Jay,” I took a deep breath. “You have to decide whether you want to die or you want to survive. There will be no White, no Peter to take that decision from you. For the first time, it’s your choice and yours only. You will have to decide whether you want to end all of this for you, or whether you want to live and be with me and your son. Whether you want to live and see your son grow up, help him to live with what he is. The first of his kind, a born beast. Or if you don’t.”
That was when Daniel stepped closer to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, offering me his body to lean on. I did not. Still, the warmth of his body gave me comfort, and the strength to continue and talk to Jay.
“I know that you want to live, Jay,” I leaned in towards him and whispered. “If you really push all that senseless self-loathing aside, I know that you do. Your mom would want you to live, your siblings would want you to live. The real choice is whether you want to live as a beast or as a human. Fight, Jay,” I leaned in almost too close, but Dan held me at bay. “Fight and live the life you know is yours. But fight.”
I don’t know if he really heard me. I don’t know if my words will really make a difference. Because, honestly, I’ve told him I love him so many times before, despite him being a beast, and it didn’t count. He made his own truth and that truth told him he still wasn’t worth it, despite my love. So, I really don’t know if anything I did today will help, but at least I’ve tried.
At least I’ve tried.
Day 399
No news. That’s probably the only interesting information about today. Nothing new.
I’m fine.
Jay’s not.
Daniel’s crawling up the walls, assembling every single piece of furniture he can get his hands on. And there’s not much of that. We don’t talk. What could we talk about?
Thankfully, Peter’s sparing us from his presence.
I don’t know what I would do if he was around right now. Even though I gave him that syringe, knowing he would use it on Jay… there’s still a difference between theory and execution.
I really don’t know what to do. Whether to go and visit Jay, every day or not. I feel thrown back right to the start when I had no clue about any of this. Talking to White had been some sort of comfort, like it was a compass for me to orientate on. Now, it’s me. I’m in charge, I’m assessing the situation, I’m telling everyone what to do. And that kind of responsibility is crushing. I never wanted this, and still I have it. Maybe Jay felt the same.
Maybe that’s why he wanted it all to end, because he couldn’t stomach it.
I can’t pace up and down in my room anymore because it’s exhausting me. I feel captured in this room and in my mind. And I wish I could sort things out, find a solution, find a way out, but I can’t.
I’ve put myself into this situation, and now I can’t seem to find my way out. I want to claw, and bite, and maul myself free, but it’s too late for that. Maybe, the only way to free myself is to give Peter what he wants and hope he is willing to re-negotiate our terms. But, why should he?
He has everything he wants right where he wants it.
Day 400
This is day 400. This means a lot. It is 400 days since I’ve been taken from my dorm, since my death has been faked only for the few people who knew about me to think that I was dead, so that I could be there to save Jay.
Now, there is only one person who can save Jay, and that is Jay himself. And I know now that I never could have saved him, it was never my place to save him.
The only person who can save Jay is Jay.
No need to take count
I’m writing this down, because I think our story needs to be heard. If this is getting out there, you agreed with me. How you do this is up to you. You have these diaries now, not the original ones, but still every single line that has been written by me, Jay, or Daniel, over the past 400 days.
I wo
n’t tell you where I am now. I won’t tell you which name is mine now. Just know that the names you’ve read are the original ones. The ones we have been born with. But you won’t find us, none of us who have survived. You will never get the chance to meet us in person, never talk to us on the phone or video chat, because I won’t risk the safety of my pack, my clan, my people.
I was Meghan Singer once, and this is my story, my past. And that is all that it will be to me. My parents have buried and mourned me, and maybe, if you choose to tell this story, they will learn the truth about what happened to their daughter. They might reach out to you and try to find out where I am. Don’t try to find me for them. Meghan Singer is no more: she burned in her sleep when her dorm burned down. Show them these lines if you must. I have my own family to take care of now. They need me, they are my responsibility.
I should probably begin where I left off. On day 400. But there is not much to tell. Jay fought his fight for four more days, and while he did, I had to contemplate whether we would be able to wait for him or not.
The entire time I was there, those 13 days, those two weeks, I did my best to entertain Peter, to get his attention glued to me. And to a large extent I managed to do that. Admittedly, I didn’t expect him to allow Daniel to be with me, especially after he had healed. And he healed faster than we had let on.
Every single word I put in this diary while I was there at the compound, the fortress, was carefully considered, even the emotional ones. If you want to lie to someone and deceive that person, you need to stay as close to the truth, only bending it, not breaking it, and that was what I did. I ignored happenings on purpose to unsettle Peter should he really read my diary.
To be honest, I don’t know if he ever did. It seemed to be a sign of Peter’s arrogance that Daniel could stay with me, a sign that Peter felt in control the entire time. After all, he could watch us through the cameras, he saw what we did, listened to what we said, but the only way he could feel what we felt was in my diary. So, there is a chance. There always was a chance and that was the reason I didn’t write about that time Daniel and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other…. But let’s return to where we left off.
Day 400
Everything had progressed like I had planned so far. Apart from my own emotions, of course. That was something else entirely. You can be as rational as a soulless computer, but that still doesn’t help when emotions roll over you like a bulldozer.
Getting Peter to inject Jay with the anti-virus was far too easy, and vengeance came back with a sucker punch. It didn’t help me with being worried sick that I had given Jay what he had always wanted: a way out. Now, it was his, and only his, decision to make what he really wanted. It was up to him whether he lived or died. And I couldn’t handle it. Despite being the person who had managed to give him that choice, I just couldn’t stop my mind from worrying about the outcome and it was killing me.
And Daniel knew that.
It’s ridiculous how well this man knows me already. Dan seems to know me better than I know myself and for whatever reason I feel like Dan will always know me better than Jay. Because Jay seems to have this image of me, this idea of me etched into his mind that is an old version of me but not the real me. I guess that explains why I love them both.
I love Jay for what he sees in me and I love Daniel for loving and admiring me the way I am. That’s the easiest way to put it.
I know it was wrong. I know we shouldn’t have done it, but my mind was a mess because my heart laid in chaos. I was losing it. Big time. And Daniel… he just knew. So, when I was crawling up the walls, he came over to me to just give me a hug, to pull me close, into his arms and hold me. Now and then I need just that. I need to feel a set of strong arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, to feel better. There is no weakness in wanting to let go from time to time, there’s no shame in wanting to be weak now and then, there is strength in allowing yourself to need someone to be there for you.
I just love that. This feeling he gives me when Daniel just holds me tight, saying nothing. He’s so good at being silent and just being there for me, without any expectations, without relying on me. It’s the kind of relief that is like a deep breath, a loud sigh, like floating on calm water. I think it was this moment that I knew I would never, ever decide against him. I will always love him, always want him, always need his embrace, need his touch, need his scent wrapping around me like a warm cloak, like an impenetrable shield.
When he held me so tightly, I dug my fingernails into his back, not realizing that they were turning into claws slowly. If I would ask my beast who was her mate her answer would be as clear as a bell: Daniel. But the human in me still yearns for her fallen hero, the tainted soul that needs her to save him: Jay.
I will never make that choice.
All I needed to hear was that sharp but inaudible hiss breaking through Dan’s teeth as my claws pierced through the fabric of his shirt into his skin. I can’t describe how much I love that sound and what it does to me. Daniel turns me into a beast, reduces me to my instincts and needs and – oh God – how much I need him.
I had pressed my nose into his shoulder, sucking in that scent that seems to have this quality of calming me down, but also turning me on. Especially in combination with that sound he made and the twitching of his muscles when he tries to stay disciplined. We all know that’s the last thing Daniel truly is.
It was just an impulse breaking to life as I maneuvered him towards the closest wall and crushed his back against it. And he, damn, that single huff he made was enough. For him, I guess, my hands grazing down his sides were all he needed to know that he was in for a treat.
Even before my hands landed at my sides, Dan already had managed to bring one of his hands to my face and placed his index finger beneath my chin to lift it up, so that our glances collided with each other. I knew he just wanted to know if I really wanted this, given the entire situation. But I didn’t even need to make up my mind. If there was something Dan could give to me it was oblivious bliss. He already had proven that to me several times.
How could I forget that he knew how to exactly kiss me right? With that perfect balance of possessiveness and reverence. First, there’s nothing I want more than to be kissed like that, but he kisses slowly soaking me with lust. And before I know it, I just want to rip off his clothes, taste his skin with my tongue, and drink him in with big, insatiable gulps. I need him to invade my body like his scent and taste invade my senses. Within the blink of an eye I am starving for him. His kisses are like little bubbles of air when I am drowning, his touches are cool breezes of air when I am burning up. I am desperate for more of him, and there can never be enough. Not ever.
I just love to feel his fingers, scorching hot like flames, licking across my skin when he sneaks them beneath my clothes to pull them off my body. They make me feel only him and nothing else. I don’t need my sight, I drown myself in darkness so that I can lose myself in his touch, his fingertips on me, his lips like embers, his tongue like lava. There is no room for sanity in my mind when I feel Daniel all over me, touching me exactly where I need to feel him, erasing everything but the sensation he spreads throughout my body.
And he is only touching me. Nothing more. It drives me mad, furious, but I’m helpless. I’m a slave to his touch, his controlled ministrations. His discipline is a compliment that strikes deep into my core. Because it tells me that this is all for me, for my pleasure, for my fulfilment. There is no selfishness in Daniel when it’s all about me.
My groans of frustration merge into moans of lust. I’m torn between what I am wanting and what I am yearning for. I want him to continue like this, treating me like a pristine treasure, and yet I want him to take me, claim me, and show me that I drive him just as mad as he does me. I want him to lose it, for his beast to take over.
But then there is that unique, perfect moment, when we become one, when he slowly, so unbelievable slowly, enters my body that my mind is truly empty. It’s when I
’m nothing but my body, feeling him, taking him in, and I am at peace and in chaos all at once.
I could spend my entire life like that, lost in this perfect moment, lost in Daniel, lost in nothing but fire and liquid lust. God, I wish life was that simple and that perfect.
Probably, Peter watched us and that made me hate him even more, if that was possible. But then again, hate is such a strong word and looking back it feels more like I was deeply annoyed by him.
The thing is that if Jay should wake up, this was the first thing Peter would show him. I just knew that and I needed to be one step ahead; I just didn’t know how.
See, he had to stay away from my room, or rather the nursery I had set up, in which my son would never take even one single breath of air. All of that, was just fake. In those few weeks where I was alone with Austin, which I had to endure without Jay or Dan, we prepared for this.
Reading the diary both of my beasts wrote was the worst. Knowing what they were going through, knowing that Jay was slowly losing his mind while Daniel was being tortured every day without me being there for either of them… there is nothing worse than that, apart from the idea that my child would grow up to be a prisoner without any of his parents, or without his dad.
I knew, reading that diary, which Gray brought to us, risking his life, was my personal kind of hell.
It was a risk to trust Gray, and I really had a hard time doing it despite what he told me. He had been there the entire time, and I didn’t know who he was, apart from the guy that had always been around Peter. For all I knew he could be one of them. For all I knew this could be nothing more than a trick of Peter’s.
Trusting that Gray’s intentions were genuine was an incredibly high risk. It was far more plausible that he was Peter’s agent, with the mission to lure me in so that he could capture me. There was nothing that was backing his statement that he wanted to help. I couldn’t wrap my head around why he would help. There was no real motivation for him. Was he an idealist who despised people being used for experiments? Then why did he wait this long? Did he want to become a beast himself? Why didn’t he ask Peter? Had he witnessed one too many experiments? Why didn’t he just quit?
My Beasts And Me (The Beast And Me Book 7) Page 8