A Little Bit Engaged

by Teresa Hill

  “We all wish things wouldn’t be this hard. It’s just the way we are,” Ben said, stroking her hair. “It’s how we get through things, by not knowing ahead of time how hard they’re going to be.”

  “When I was in there, holding her hand while she tried to get through her labor, I kept thinking, she should have her mother. Her mother should be right here with her, taking care of her.”

  “She had you and me. We didn’t do too bad.”

  “But it’s not the same as having a mother.” Kate closed her eyes and held on to him more tightly. “And I shouldn’t be thinking about me at all, but…I couldn’t help it. When I saw Shannon in there, I thought, I’ll be doing that someday. I want to get married and have children, and I always thought my mother would be there to hold my hand and help me understand everything I needed to know to be a mother.”

  “I can’t help you with understanding the mothering,” he said, dropping a soft kiss on the top of her head. “But I’ll be there to hold your hand.”

  Kate eased away from him very slowly, just enough that she could lift her head and look him in the eye. She was exhausted, but… “What?”

  “When you have your children,” he said, calm as could be. “You won’t be alone. I’ll be there with you. I was thinking four would be good, two of each, but after seeing what just went on in that room, well…one might be plenty. We could get through this one more time, don’t you think?”

  Kate shook her head. Was she actually awake? “You’re asking me to have a baby with you?”

  “No, I’m asking you to marry me. Although the baby comes along with it. At least, I always assumed it would, and you just said you did, too. So that works, right? We both want the same thing.”

  “You can’t ask me to marry you,” she argued.

  “Kate, I just did.”

  She blinked once, then again, took a breath and stared at him. He was still there. “That’s it. Just like that? We’ve known each other for what…a month? Nobody gets married after a month.”

  “Sure they do. People get married after a great weekend together. Not that I’m advocating that. But five weeks…it’s actually been five weeks, and a great five weeks, too. We’ve been through a lot, and I know what I want. I think I’ve been in love with you for at least three weeks.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “No, I’m not. And I need to point out that in school, I had a good bit of training in psychology. I’m more than qualified to judge, and I’m sure I’m not crazy. Maybe a little nuts about you, but…”

  She frowned.

  “Okay, bad joke,” he said. “I’m nervous. I’ve never proposed before. Kate, I love you. Please marry me.”

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Of course you can. You’re not engaged anymore, remember? You’re all over Joe, and I know you’re scared. The whole thing is scary, but listen to me. I know. I’m done. I want you, and I think you know what you want, too.”

  “No.” She shook her head, trying to rearrange the thoughts in her own head or maybe the words he’d said until they made more sense than what she feared he’d said.

  “Or you could think about it,” he said, looking amused.

  He was always laughing about something, and he always seemed to know exactly what she was thinking, to see inside her in a way that no one ever had. It was disconcerting at times, maddening at others, but it was also comforting, reassuring in a way she’d never imagined. She couldn’t hide from him, as she so often did with other people, and if he saw inside of her and still wanted to marry her, then it meant he saw her and understood her and still wanted her. Which was sweet. Crazy, but sweet.

  “You need help,” she said.

  “You want me to get a ring and bring flowers and get down on my knees and stuff? Because I can do that. I just…got caught up in the moment, I guess. I hadn’t decided exactly how I was going to ask you, and then, when you said that about having babies yourself, I knew I was supposed to be the one beside you, holding your hand, convincing you that you were going to get through it. I knew.”

  “You can’t say things like that.” She shook her head. “You and I haven’t even had a real date. Shannon had her baby in the middle of our first date. You can’t get married without going on a real date. Lots of them. It takes lots of real dates.”

  “Okay. Just tell me how many. Is there a rule book somewhere? Because I didn’t get it.”

  “And I have things to do,” she argued. “I still have to figure out exactly where I went so wrong with Joe—”

  “You didn’t love him, remember?”

  “I have to figure out how I thought I did for so long, when I didn’t, so I won’t make that mistake again. And then I should probably spend some time alone, you know, getting to know me again, and then…”

  “What then?”

  “I don’t know,” she said stupidly. “I made a list weeks ago.”

  “A list?”

  “Yes.” It made perfect sense to her. Why didn’t he see that? “And I can’t marry you now. It’s not on my list. Not even close to being on my list.”

  “So, make a new list,” he said. “You’d love that about weddings. They take lots of lists. Lists and lists and lists. You’ll be great at it.”

  “You want me to marry you because it’ll give me a chance to make lots of lists?”

  He shrugged. “It seemed important to you. The lists, I mean.”

  “You’re nuts,” she said, then an odd, almost choking sound came from somewhere near the door.

  It was open. Her sister Kathie was standing there, gaping at them.

  “Someone told me there was an ambulance at your house last night, and you’re not answering your phone,” Kathie said. “I had to find out what happened.”

  “Shannon had her baby, a little girl,” Ben said helpfully.

  “Oh, I…” Kathie started to back out of the door. “Did he just propose?”

  “She doesn’t think it counts,” he said. “I didn’t get down on one knee.”

  “So…the two of you…?” Again, odd, odd look.

  What in the world? Kate said, “Are you all right?”

  Kathie nodded. “I just wasn’t sure if… Well, actually…” She looked at Ben. “I think I need to talk to you.”

  “No, you don’t,” he said.

  “I do,” she insisted.

  “Look,” Kate said. “If this is about Joe and whoever he’s running around kissing in alleys, it’s okay. I know.”

  “You know?” Kathie asked, looking horrified.

  “No, she doesn’t,” Ben said.

  “I do. Melanie Mann called me. She actually sounded concerned about me, and she swears she wasn’t going to tell another soul, but she didn’t want me to be blind-sided about it, so she told me. Her boyfriend saw Joe kissing someone behind the bank the other day. I don’t care. Really, I don’t.”

  Kathie looked miserable, desperate even. There were tears in her eyes.

  “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Kate said.

  Kathie shook her head, her mouth open, but no words coming out. Finally she looked to Ben and said, “I can’t. I just can’t. You do it.”

  Then she turned and fled.

  Ben made a face. “People do that to me all the time. They tell me things, and then they want me to break the bad news for them. I don’t like that at all.”

  “Bad news? What bad news?” Kate asked.

  “Okay, but first you have to remember that you don’t care who Joe’s in love with now, right? It doesn’t matter to you, because you don’t love him anymore, and it’s okay if he’s happy, right? You wouldn’t begrudge him that?”

  “No.”

  “Okay, because this is the hard part. I saw…something the other day. I wasn’t sure what, and I wasn’t sure what I should do about it, but…the thing is…I think Joe’s in love with your sister.”

  Kate sat there, her mouth hanging open.

  Was she really awake?

  Because this wa
s getting more bizarre by the minute.

  “I know,” Ben said. “That wasn’t on your list, either.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Kate got a few hours’ sleep, a shower and fresh clothes, then came back to the hospital five hours later to see that Shannon had just woken up, obviously still hurting, but absolutely calm and determined to give up her baby.

  She sent Ben home for a few hours, thinking he’d get some rest the way she had, but he said something about shopping for an engagement ring.

  Surely he was joking.

  If Kate wasn’t so exhausted, she’d probably be able to think it through, but right now she was still a mess. Shannon’s labor, her beautiful baby girl, Ben proposing, then telling her that her sister and Joe seemed to be in love with each other…it had all been too much for her.

  Everything had gone spiraling out of control at a dizzying speed, terrifying her as she hadn’t been since her mother died.

  She’d slept only because she was exhausted and woken up sure that the entire past twenty-four hours had been a dream.

  Except here she was, sitting by Shannon’s bedside, the baby across the hall in the nursery, Ben maybe off buying rings, and Kathie probably still weeping.

  “Did Ben make the call?” Shannon asked.

  “What call?”

  “To that couple. Emily’s parents. Ben said if I wanted him to today, he’d call.”

  “Oh, that. You must have convinced him you meant it. He called them and Social Services, to make sure all their preadoption paperwork had been done, and then he called a friend who’s a lawyer, who’ll draw up the papers. It should all be taken care of by the time the hospital sends you home tomorrow.”

  “Okay. Good.”

  “Tim and Tina want to know if it’s okay if they come see the baby today?”

  “She’s gonna be theirs. It’s not up to me.”

  “For now, it is, Shannon. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

  The girl nodded. She still looked exhausted, all pale and tiny, like she’d shrunk in every way, not just her belly. She looked more girlish than Kate had ever seen her.

  “You’re sure it’s the right thing?” Kate pressed.

  “Yes.”

  “How do you know?” Kate had to ask, because it seemed like an enormous, life-altering decision for anyone so young to make, much less to be certain about.”

  “Because I want her to have everything, and I can’t give her anything.”

  “If it’s just money—”

  “It’s not,” Shannon insisted. “I keep thinking about how Emily looked that day we went to visit. How happy she was. Like she wasn’t scared of anything, because that was her place, and those were her parents. Did you see how she’d crawl away from them and get so far, and then turn around to make sure they were still there, watching her, to make sure she was okay? And how sometimes she’d get scared and run back to them. And they’d lift her up and hold her and love her, and she’d just grin and lay her little head against them?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “I don’t think I ever felt that way when I was growing up. That safe. Like I had two, sane, responsible, reasonable, strong people looking out for me. I had my grandmother, but she was always sick with something. Nothing really big for a long time, but enough to scare me so bad. Because she was all that I had, and she’d get so tired. She had trouble breathing sometimes, and I’d stay up at night listening, to make sure she was still breathing, because if anything happened to her, I had no idea what would happen to me. I don’t remember ever seeing my father when I was little, and my mother would take off and we wouldn’t hear from her for years at a time. I couldn’t have found her if I’d wanted to. I wouldn’t have had any idea where to look. So I never really felt safe.”

  Tears fell down Shannon’s cheeks, and Kate dabbed at them with a tissue.

  “It means a lot, to feel safe. To have people who can take care of you.”

  “It does,” Kate said. “But just because your baby would have this couple now, doesn’t mean she always would. There are no guarantees. Look at my family. My father died when I was eight.”

  “But you made it, because you had your mother and your sisters and your brother, and you all stuck together, right?”

  “We did.”

  “So…my little girl will have a sister.” Shannon almost smiled. “I always wanted a sister. And I don’t know what might happen down the road, but this is the best thing I can give my baby right now, and she needs a home now. You said that. She can’t wait for me to graduate from high school or maybe even college and get a job and grow up. She needs it now, and this is what I want her to have.”

  “Okay,” Kate agreed. “I think that is very mature and shows you’re thinking things through, and I liked Tim and Tina right away, and I loved the way they were with Emily. When Tina called to check on you and see if you needed anything, she said they’ve been trying to explain to Emily what’s happening, and she just keeps going, ‘Ba-bee, ba-bee, ba-bee.’ But they keep showing her a doll, trying to explain what the baby will look like, and she might think she’s getting a doll instead. I think they’ll be very happy together.”

  “They’d better be.”

  “You can see her every now and then, you know?”

  Shannon nodded.

  “I think you should see her now. The social worker said…well, she said it’s important.” Actually, she wanted Shannon to put the baby into Tina’s arms and see the couple with the baby. Something about needing to see them taking care of her baby to understand that she wasn’t abandoning her child. “I could go get her and bring her to you now. She’s beautiful.”

  Shannon shook her head. “Maybe when Ben gets back.”

  “Okay. I’ll call Tim and Tina and tell them they can come sometime this afternoon. And we’ll wait for Ben.”

  Shannon started to cry again, not weeping like she was right after she had the baby. Just a slow, seeping of tears from the corners of her eyes. She looked so sad.

  “Oh, your teacher called. Betty? She wanted to make sure you were okay. And she wants to come see you, if that’s okay?”

  Shannon nodded.

  “And Charlotte wants to come by, too.”

  “No. I don’t really know her,” Shannon said. “I don’t guess my dad called?”

  “No,” Kate said, wishing she could smack the man right now.

  “Okay. I didn’t really think he would.” Shannon absorbed it like a blow. “I just remembered—we didn’t get a chance to get something for the baby. Something for me to give to her, to remember me by.”

  “We can do that later. You’re not going to be cut off from her, remember? We’ll tell Tim and Tina when they come that you want to send something for the baby. It’ll be fine.”

  “And we didn’t get any clothes or anything. She’ll need some clothes to wear when they take her. Something pretty.”

  “Okay. I’ll get something. Just tell me what you’d like.”

  “Something pretty,” she said again. “Pink is okay. I used to wear pink. Honest.”

  “I’ll get the prettiest pink thing I can find,” Kate promised.

  “Okay.” Shannon sighed, shifting this way and that in the bed, grimacing as she did. “Don’t worry. I’ll get out of your house in a few days. I’ll find someplace to go. Maybe now that I’m not pregnant, my dad will let me move back in with him.”

  “Don’t worry about that,” Kate said. “Not now. We’ll work something out.”

  “No, I know that I have to go, and I will.”

  Kate wanted to argue, but Shannon seemed exhausted. She couldn’t seem to keep her eyes open.

  “Why don’t you get some sleep,” Kate said.

  “You won’t leave?”

  “No, I won’t.”

  Shannon slept, and Kate dozed in the chair beside her bed.

  When she woke up, Ben was there, looking all fresh and clean and smelling so good. She got up and went to him as he stood
by the door.

  “Did you really propose to me?”

  “Kate, you were there. You know I did.”

  “I can’t marry you,” she argued.

  “Sure you can. Try it out. Yyyyyeeeessss. You can say it.”

  Kate laughed in spite of herself. “I can say it.”

  “I don’t believe you. I need to hear it.”

  “Ben, you can’t trick me into saying I’ll marry you.”

  “Come on. Say it. I dare you.”

  “And you can’t get me to do it on a dare, either. This is serious.”

  “I am serious. This is as serious as I get. Plus, you’re way too serious for both of us. We’re a perfect balance for each other. You see that. I know you do.”

  “Okay, so we balance each other out that way. There’s a little more than that to marriage.”

  “Yeah. And I could make a whole list of ways we make sense, if you wanted, but the bottom line is, you’ve been happier and felt more alive in the past month with me, than you ever have in your life, right?”

  “I…” Oh, no. Kate was afraid he had her there. She hadn’t really thought about it that way. She’d been too busy to think, too busy living and having fun. She felt completely, wonderfully alive. She woke up every day, excited about what it might bring. She thought of when she’d see him again, what he’d do, what he’d say, the way he’d make her laugh, the way he saw the world.

  “I knew it,” he said, triumphant. “I knew it because I feel the same way. We fit each other, Kate. We’re great with each other. I love you. Marry me.”

  He was on one knee by the time he was done, his hands holding hers, looking up into her eyes, and it was like everything inside of her just melted, like she was powerless in the face of how he made her feel.

  She was dizzy, and the room was spinning. Her heart was racing, and it was hard to get enough air. She hung on to his hands and didn’t want to ever let go, thinking she might take off flying if she weren’t hanging on to him.