Match This! (The UnSocial Dater#1)

by Mj Fields

  “Do what?” she asks.

  “Fake a fucking smile when you’re obviously not happy.”

  She shakes her head and looks away. “That’s what mothers do.”

  I drink down whatever it is in the flask and have to cover my mouth in order not to spray the back of Stephanie’s head.

  Macey laughs. “Shit, just a sip is all you need. My bad.”

  When I can finally breath I snap at her. “I’m gonna shank you so hard.”

  “With the drink you just took, you’ll forget about it in minutes,” she laughs.

  “What the fuck was that?”

  “Everclear,” she says smugly. “Home brewed.”

  “You make Everclear?” my Mom-ster asks.

  “Want some?” Macey leans forward to hand it to her.

  “I’m driving,” Mom laughs.

  “When we get there then?” Macey asks.

  “Don’t do it Carrie,” Stephanie warns.

  Mom shrugs. “Gotta let loose sometime.”

  Son-of-a-bitch, the Mom-ster drunk was something I never wanted to see, ever.

  “Carrie tells us she’s on Match as well,” Stephanie laughs.

  Oh hell no, I think.

  “Great mother daughter bonding over peen,” Macey laughs.

  “Oh no, not anymore Kathe-” she stops. “Kat is helping me navigate my way around the information highway.”

  Who the fuck calls it that anymore, Mom, that’s who.

  “She showed us some of the pictures,” Stephanie laughs.

  “Stephy, that was our secret,” Mom giggles.

  “What pictures?” I ask

  Mom says. “Never you mind.”

  While Macey says, “Dick pics.”

  Stephanie says, “Private parts.”

  Oh my lawd, I think I’m gonna puke.

  Everclear fed the buzz, which was now over shadowing the hangover. I hold out my hand to Macey.

  “You sure?”

  “Either that or kill me now,” I whisper.

  “Just a nip.” She winks.

  “Gee, thanks for the warning whore.”

  The rest of the trip consists of Mom’s phone being passed around. Every few minutes she reminds everyone. “Just don’t look at my messages or make any comments like you do on Kather-” she pauses, “Kat’s page, to the boys I have liked.”

  Macey looks at it. “I’m opening a message from JoeyPD1, is he one you like?”

  Mom replies, “Doesn’t sound familiar.”

  “Twenty-five-year-old, JoeyPD1, wants to tell you he’s into older women and you look good,” Macey reads.

  “Oh tell him that’s kind,” she says all maternally.

  “You sure?” Macey asks as she types it out.

  “Of course. I’m not interested but there is no reason to be rude.”

  “Alright then,” Macey types exactly what Mom said.

  I hear a beep. “He already responded,” Macey laughs. “Damn.”

  “What did he say?” Mom-ster’s excitement is a little too much for me, so I take another, nip.

  “He said you have a nice rack and he’d like to play with them,” Macey reads.

  Mom laughs, she fucking laughs.

  “Shit’s not funny Mom! He’s my age.” I snatch the phone and type back as I speak. “Does your Mom still wipe your ass for you?”

  “Katherine!” Mom gasps.

  “He’s talking about your jugs Mom. And let’s face it gravity has-”

  “Yeah, well they were good enough for you to suck off-” she begins.

  I cover my ears. “La la la la!”

  Macey’s laugh interrupts my la la-ing.

  “What did the little fuck say?” I ask.

  “He says, ‘No baby and age is but a number, here’s mine.’” She holds up the phone.

  “Ewww!” I grab my phone and punch in his number. “This JoeyPD1?”

  I read the messages allowed.

  JoeyPD1: I knew you’d change your mind.

  Kat: I didn’t change my mind. This is her daughter and I am going to tell you, back off my mom prevert.

  JoeyPD1: Prevert?

  Kat: Yeah fuckstick, it’s a pervert in training.

  JoeyPD1: I’m a pervert because I find older women attractive and refreshing? They act like ladies and not immature little princesses. Ask yourself this, would you want to date you?

  “He did not say that,” Stephanie gasps.

  “He so did,” Macey laughs looking over my shoulder.

  Kat: I don’t only want to date myself I prefer to fuck myself too. Ask yourself this, JoeyPD1, if you weren’t fugly would you be trying to get inside elderly twat?

  “Katherine Anne Teresa Brun, your mouth!” Mom gasps.

  “He’s ucking fugly.”

  The phone alerts me of a new message.

  I open it.

  JoeyPD1: suck it!

  Aaaaaand a peen pic.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Slushy Sunday

  We stop at the house first. It’s smaller than I thought it would be but right on the beach. The small rectangular yard is fenced in, with a great patio and a gate leading out to the wooden walkway that goes over the sand dunes to the beach.

  The view is amazing I can imagine Darby having friends over roasting marshmallows in the fire pit.

  “Come on in Katherine, check out your room,” Mom smiles.

  “Don’t,” Stephanie hushes me.

  “Excuse me?” I say shocked.

  “She loves you Kat, she knows she’s made mistakes, hell she’s human.” I nod and look around. “She loved your dad Kat, and she loves you. It wasn’t her fault.”

  “Fine.” I walk towards the house.

  I know she won’t push. I know she won’t because she’s Steph. I walk towards the house. “I’m still pissed at you.”

  “A lot or a little?” she asks.

  “In the middle of those,” I say as we walk to the house.

  I spot Macey in my peripheral chatting it up with some guys outside the gate. I shove two fingers in my mouth and whistle loudly. Her head whips around.

  “Do I look like a fucking dog to you?” she yells and Steph and I laugh.

  ****

  Sixteen miles from home we are in line. It’s hot as fuck, the sun is blazing down on my vampire like pale skin and I have beads of sweat forming on my forehead.

  I feel a cool mist hit my bare shoulders and turn around as my mom starts smearing sunscreen on my shoulder.

  “You need sunscreen Kathe- Kat, you burn.”

  Macey sucks in her cheeks and chuckles silently. “So does Macey,” I tell her.

  I don’t have to tell her twice; she’s spraying Macey’s shoulders now. “I don’t burn,” she grumbles.

  “Skin cancer is no joke either dear,” Mom says and I laugh.

  After she smears around her spray-on lotion she turns to Steph. “Pull your hair up and turn around Stephanie Maxwell, it’s your turn.”

  My mom goes ahead of me through the gates.

  “Hands up miss,” the security guy says.

  She lifts them up and looks intimidated when he wands her. It’s actually kind of funny.

  Once we’re all through she looks at Steph and smiles. “They are intimidating young men aren’t they?”

  “A little bit,” Stephanie agrees.

  “Did you see his eyebrows? They were shaped better than any of ours. He’s a pussy,” I say.

  Mom looks back at him and smiles politely as she says through her teeth, lips unmoving, she still has a smile, “I hope he didn’t hear you.”

  “Let’s drink.” Steph links her arm in my mom’s and they walk to the first booth.

  Vendor after vendor we sample each slushy for a buck. If it tastes good we try it without the slush. If it’s great, we buy a bottle. Somehow I end up with a giant canvas mailbag type tote slung across my body that weighs a ton with four bottles of wine in it.

  Each stop Mom’s smile grows bigger, and sloppier. S
he and Steph still have their arms linked but two hours in I think it’s out of necessity.

  “They’re holding one another up,” Macey smirks.

  I shake my head and watch them.

  Some cunt plows into them, I grab my mom before her ass kisses pavement.

  “Watch your step,” I sneer at her.

  The bitch hiccups and rolls her eyes, “Whatever.”

  “Whatever?” I ask after getting Mom-ster righted and leaned against Steph.

  “Yeah whatever,” she says all pissy and turns away.

  I’m pissed, a bit tipsy, and the bitch looks at my mom and laughs.

  “I will fuck-” my mom grabs my arm and I look at her. She’s grinning at the girl. “Are you seriously smiling at that cheese twat?” I make sure I say it loud enough so cheese twat hears it.

  “I sure am Kat,” she exaggerates the T.

  Drunk. My mother is drunk.

  “Don’t do that?”

  “Do what dear?” she asks.

  “Smile at assholes who don’t deserve it.”

  She shrugs. “It’s a habit.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  She points at her face, and in an announcer like tone says, “This smile was brought to you by all the years of pretending to be fucking happy.”

  I laugh, hell even Macey laughs.

  “It’s brought to you by Kat’s kindergarten artwork that was atrocious but I pretended it was the most beautiful thing in the world because that’s what mothers do. This smile is brought to you by every time I wrote a check for a pair of shoes that would never go on my feet, and I got to wear my four-year-old flats.” She grins. “This smile is brought to you by all the joy I exuded because I lived with a bunch of stoic sourpusses who expected me to get off on cleaning shit marks out of underpants, doing laundry, and cleaning filthy toilets. This smile Katherine, is my biggest weapon against flipping the fuck out.”

  She turns and looks at Steph. “I’m thirsty.”

  They link arms and begin walking ahead of us.

  “I think I have a girl crush on your mom,” Macey says. “That was fucking epic.”

  When we have hit all the wine vendor booths at least once my mom is plastered, so is Steph. Macey and I are both smiling, until we realize we are and that shit ends there.

  “I love this,” Mom slurs and grabs a white tank top that says ‘Wine Diva’ in hot pink letters. She turns and reaches out her finger and taps the tip of my nose. “You know why Kitty Kat Kat?”

  Her face drops and she shakes her head as if erasing a memory.

  Dad.

  I give her a small smile and she blasts hers at me.

  “This smile is brought to you by all the sad,” she pauses and pulls the tank top over her head, “depressing memories of long ago, that we mustn’t remember or ever talk about for fear,” she pulls it down and turns towards the mirror set up against the side of the vendor tent, “of hurting someone’s precious feelings.”

  “Looks fabulous Carrie,” Stephanie smiles at her. “I think we all need one to commemorate the branching out of Wine Wednesday into Wine Weekend.”

  Steph looks out the corner of her eye at me and in my alcohol induced moment of weakness I smile and turn to Mom. “I think it’s a great idea.”

  An hour later we are all loaded up with wine gear and Mom and Steph can barely walk a crooked line let alone a straight one. Macey and I aren’t far behind but we are behind nonetheless.

  I now have Mom linked to me and Macey has Steph.

  “We should get a cab and get home,” I suggest when I see a blond haired man, ogling mom, and notice she notices too.

  She waves me off and steps towards him holding out her hand. “I’m Carrie.

  “You are a beautiful woman,” he kisses her hand.

  “I am aren’t I?” she giggles. “I’m drunk too.”

  “Wine doesn’t make us drunk Carrie, wine makes us lively.” He points behind him to the portable dance floor where a three-piece band is playing some shitty cover version of Fuel’s Shimmer.

  “We need to go,” I tell her.

  “Live a little Kat,” she laughs and takes his hand.

  I watch as she stumbles to the dance floor. I have never witnessed my mother being inebriated. I’m not sure how I feel about it, so I chose not to.

  “Shit,” Macey says holding up my phone. “Your date is here.”

  “My what?”

  “Date,” Stephanie slurs. “A boy who thinks you’re sexy and wants to treat you-”

  “Steven!” Macey waves her hand in the air and I want to kill her, with my bare hands.

  “You told some random stranger where we were?” I gasp.

  “Random hot stranger,” she corrects. “You were supposed to meet him near home, but you messaged and cancelled because you were coming here. He said he wouldn’t mind the drive. Got it?” Macey states, instead of asks.

  “No I don’t ‘Got it’ Macey,” I snap.

  “Shhh he’s coming Kat, he’s hot too,” Stephanie grins.

  “Trifling bitches, you’re on Carrie duty if this one is worth getting naked for,” I snap and turn around.

  Damn.

  I take a step forward and Macey grabs my hand. “I set you up, at least let me get a closer look.”

  “You set me up, you don’t deserve it.”

  As I walk towards Steven, who is good looking in a white boy, trying his best to hide his preppy, way. He has light brown hair, stands almost six foot, has a lean but not scrawny build. He’s wearing those wrap style sunglasses that bug me, a pair of knee length khaki shorts and a light blue polo shirt.

  DATE ONE

  I force a smile and stick out my hand. I’m about ready to say hello when he speaks.

  “Kat, you are stunning.”

  Stunning, stunned, astonished, speechless.

  Thank God I’m speechless; I have so much to say though.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  I point to my throat and shake my head no.

  Wow, fucking wow.

  “You need a drink?”

  Just shut up, I think.

  I nod yes, because if this ‘date’ is going to last more than two minutes I’m gonna need about ten more drinks.

  He takes my hand and walks towards the closest booth. “White or red?”

  I point to the red and he nods, then orders.

  For a moment I considered the fact that I’m trying to find fault in him, that possibly I am that fucked up, that I would be hearing things, but the chick who just took his money had to bite her lip not to laugh.

  He sounds like he sucked on a helium balloon, okay maybe not quite that bad, maybe more like one of those chipmunks.

  He hands me a glass and I nod and force a smile.

  I am not a nod and smile girl.

  This is killing me.

  I am going to blame it on my mom and the fact that I may not like the fact that she is better at this than I am.

  Competitive? I never have been, I do me.

  Damn it.

  I slam down the drink and look at him. “Dance?”

  He smiles. “I’d love to.”

  Oh please just shut the fuck up, I say in my head.

  I lead him to the dance floor and turn back. His hands immediately land on my hips and mine to his elbows. The elbows are a safe place to hold, keeps them at a safe distance.

  Why the fuck do I care? I don’t. I look across the floor and see my mother’s head tipped back and she is laughing while the guy is whispering in her ear.

  If she can have fun and let loose I sure as fuck can, I think to myself.

  “Kat?”

  I look back at...Alvin.

  “Yeah?”

  “I asked if you liked this music?”

  I haven’t even allowed myself to listen, I am preoccupied with Mom, and the sound of his voice.

  “Yeah,” I say.

  “I really-” he stops when I put my finger over his lips.

 
“Shh, you’ll ruin it.”

  He smiles and attempts to pull me closer, I grip his elbows and halt the movement.

  Avoiding eye contact I look to my left, I see Macey and Stephanie watching us. Steph smiles and gives me a thumbs up, I snarl my lip at her and her eyes widen.

  “Would you like another drink?’

  “Music,” I say and look away.

  “Can’t bear the thought of being away from me already.” He squeezes my hips.

  That’s it, I can’t take anymore. I need to say something, anything, but I don’t want to completely crush Alvin’s self-esteem. I mean the dude did have to grow up with that voice, it’s gotta be hell to put yourself out there, assuming he has feelings.

  “Look I just found out I have something that an antibiotic can’t cure.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I tested positive.” I don’t say for what because well, I have no idea, but it’s working, he’s rendered speechless and my fucking ear drums aren’t feeling like they may explode. “I was going to spread it around, hell I still might, but I like you Steven, so I am letting you off the hook.”

  “You’re serious?”

  Shut the fuck up. “Don’t go away mad Steven, just go away.” I stop moving and stare into the shades covering his eyes. He doesn’t move. “Unless of course you’re up for a game of Russian roulette?”

  “You need help.” He lets go of my hips.

  “You have no idea,” I nod.

  I watch him walk away and then I zone in on my friends. Bitches are in for it.

  Stephanie hurries over and Macey is close behind. “What happened?”

  “He started talking.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Sandy Sunday

  “Mom, the dude has a fucking ring on,” I sneer at the asshole whose hand is on my mother’s ass.

  “Are you married?” she asks.

  Guy is quick. “I wear it to scare away the undesirable.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I ask him.

  He says nothing.

  “How many Viagra’s do men your age have to take to keep it up long enough to get a woman off?”

  “How about you give it a try?” He narrows his eyes at me.

  Mom looks at him, scowls, swats his hand away and walks towards another man.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I grumble.