How Can I Be Down?

by Brenda Hampton

  She looked down at Desmon. “Baby, go to your room. Mommy will be there in a minute, okay?” Desmon went to his room. She turned back around, lashing out at me again. “I truly didn’t want to disrespect you in front of him, but how in the fuck could your stupid-ass let something like this happen?”

  Burning inside I wrapped my hands around Ginger’s neck and started choking her. We fell backward onto the living room floor, and when Desmon came running in, crying and hitting me on my back, I raised up off her.

  “Desmon!” I yelled. “Go back into your room!”

  He ran back in his room, still crying.

  “You stupid bitch!” I said, looking down at Ginger on the floor as she tried to catch her breath. “I lost my fucking brother today! Could have lost my damn son but I covered him up to protect him! If you stop bitching all the goddamn time, maybe you would have listened before jumping to fucking conclusions.” I got up, opened the door, and slammed it behind me.

  She came running out after me. “Kiley! I’m sorry. I didn’t know! Please don’t go,” she cried.

  I got in the car, slammed my door, and sped off.

  When I got to the hospital, I talked to the lady who was in charge of assisting people with the deceased, but when I told her I wanted Kareem’s body cremated she directed me to someone else. Before I left, they asked me if I wanted to see him again, and since I didn’t want to remember him with bullets riddled in his chest, I declined.

  On the way back home, I sat in the car thinking. Life without Kareem just wasn’t going to be the same, and I knew it. If it weren’t for Desmon, there really wasn’t no reason for me to live. And since he’d seen firsthand what went down, I wasn’t sure if me being a part of his life was the best thing for him.

  Suicide was definitely an option for me, but then again it wasn’t an option because somebody was going to have to pay for this. I would make sure of that, and when it came to my little brother, there would be no fucking regrets.

  CHAPTER 18

  I could see the lights a mile away. Helicopters were circling the air, and the closer I moved in, I saw about twenty police cars parked outside the house. I didn’t want to get too close, so I turned the car around and kept on driving. I’d turned my phone off after I left Ginger’s house because I knew she was going to be calling, trying to apologize. When I turned it back on, Quincy had left me three messages. He told me the police was outside and he was trying to find a way out of the house without them seeing him. He wanted to hide downstairs but said he didn’t know the code to close the wall. He told me he loved me and then let me listen to them pounding on the doors. I was crushed. I pulled the car over, got out, and pounded the roof with my fist. I screamed out loud, got back inside, and aimed a pistol at my head. As the tears started to fall again, I closed my eyes tight, then I thought about how I refused to leave this earth with unfinished business.

  After driving around for a while, I parked down the street outside the house Donovan had lived in with Marcus and his partnas. I must have watched the house for hours before I finally saw somebody walk out and get into a car. When I drove down the street, I saw it wasn’t Marcus; it was some other nigga. I circled the block a few more times, then parked my car again.

  Anxious to know if he was home, I called to see if he was there. When someone answered, I asked to speak to him and they told me to hold on. I hung up, then called Candi’s house. It was almost midnight, but she sounded like she was wide awake.

  “Hey, are you sleeping?” I asked, knowing she wasn’t.

  “No, I was sitting up watching a movie. Where are you? I’ve been calling you all day.”

  “I’m out taking care of some business. But, uh, I need you to do me a favor.”

  “What?”

  “When I dial this number, I need you to ask for Marcus. When he answers make up a fake name and tell him you’re outside waiting for him.”

  “Who?”

  “Marcus.”

  “Kiley, what are you up to?”

  “I’ll tell you about it later. Just do this for me, please.”

  “I don’t know; this sounds like a setup if you ask me. Where are you? I need to talk to you about something.”

  “Not right now, Candi. Just trust me. I wouldn’t ask you to do this if it wasn’t important.”

  “All right. Dial the number.”

  I dialed, and when Marcus got on the phone Candi told him she was some chick named Angela who he’d met and she was outside waiting for him. He insisted he didn’t know any chick named Angela and hung up the phone.

  “Damn!” I said. “Call him back for me.”

  “Look, Kiley. I don’t know what’s going on but you’re scaring me, baby. Where are you? Is everything all right?”

  “No, it’s not but I’ll hit you back in a minute.” I hung up, but she kept calling me back. I didn’t answer, because I was trying to figure out a way to get Marcus to come outside. I thought about just shooting through the house but I wasn’t up for no innocent people getting hurt. So I did what I knew best and just waited.

  By morning, I was still scoping out the place. I was slumped over in the car so no one would see me from the cars that passed by throughout the night. Finally, around eleven in the morning, Marcus walked out of the house. He was with this other fool, getting into a black Cutlass Supreme.

  As they drove off, I followed them. They stopped at a convenience store right around the corner from their house and the other dude got out to go inside. I didn’t waste any time. I went right up to the car, and tapped on the window. When he turned his head, I smiled at him, pulling the trigger five times and blasting his head wide open.

  I sped off the lot, and as I was heading for the highway the cops flew right past me. After driving for about an hour or so, I found a cheap motel where I could chill at until I figured out what to do. Going back to L.A. was out of the question. And staying on the run was out as well. Life didn’t even feel worth it anymore, but I still had Desmon and my main man, Quincy. I was curious to know what happened, and if he managed to swindle himself out of this mess, I wanted to be around.

  Feeling the urge to talk to my son, I called Ginger’s house to speak to him. She answered and told me how sorry she was.

  “Don’t worry about it, Ginger,” I said dryly. “Just put Desmon on the phone.”

  “Baby, please don’t be mad at me. Where are you? I can hear the pain in your voice. Please tell me so Desmon and me can come be with you.”

  “Ginger, bad idea. Just put Desmon on the phone.”

  She put the phone down and Desmon picked it up. “Hello,” he said softly.

  “Hey, my man,” I said, swallowing as my throat ached. “I’m sorry about yesterday. You know your daddy loves you, don’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Daddy gotta go away for a while, but I’ll get back to see you as soon as I can, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Put your mother back on the phone.”

  “Daddy?”

  “Yeah, man,” I said, as my eyes watered.

  “Did Uncle Kareem die?”

  I closed my eyes and busted out in tears. I held the phone to my forehead and turned it off. I didn’t even have the guts to answer him. In a while, I called Ginger back and told her to tell him the truth for me.

  At that moment, I realized that if I stayed I couldn’t be the father to him I wanted to be. He’d never look up to me like a son should look up to his father. I had nothing for him to be proud of, no good footsteps for him to step into, and no good examples for him to follow.

  As I lay across the bed with my eyes closed, my cell phone rang. Finally, it was Quincy.

  “Q, where are you?” I asked.

  “I’m in jail. Where do you think? And before you start running your mouth, I’m cool. Everything’s taken care of.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I told them what happened.”<
br />
  “Everything?”

  “Yeah, everything. They know I was the one who killed Donovan. And they’re aware of the drug transactions I was doing behind you fellas’ backs.”

  “But, Quincy, you don’t have to—”

  “Listen, it was only fair to y’all that I came clean. I’ll be here for a few days, so when you get a chance, come tell them the truth so you can move on with your life.”

  “I’m coming to see what’s up now. Man, I don’t want you—”

  “Listen, my time is up. They want to talk to you but make sure you tell them the truth about me, okay? I know how much you care for me, and I don’t want you taking the blame because you want to go down with me.”

  “Yeah, whatever, but—”

  Quincy hung up and I had to go see what was up. I cleaned myself up a bit and rushed to the police station to find out what the hell Quincy was doing. Sounded like he wanted to take the blame for everything that had happened, but why? Especially when he didn’t have to. If I had to suffer the consequences for trying to protect my family, so be it. There was no way in hell I was going to let him take the fall all by himself.

  When I got to the station and told the police who I was, they took me into an interrogation room. According to them, Quincy’s confession had too many holes in it. He’d come up with some shit, and until I figured out what to do, I really didn’t say much, but, that whatever he told them was the truth.

  After holding me for almost sixteen hours, they finally let me go. They promised me I’d be joining Quincy, and there was no doubt in my mind that someday soon I would be.

  CHAPTER 19

  Quincy and me stuck to the same story for months. After his court date, he was sentenced to fifty years in prison without the possibility of parole. I was devastated. We talked almost every day up until his sentencing day, and since they never found any evidence against me, I was a free man.

  After I left the courthouse, I drove down Highway 40 and pulled my car over to the side on the Poplar Street Bridge. I kissed the container with Kareem’s ashes in it and held it in my hands.

  I wiped the tears that fell down my face. “Life ain’t the same without you, li’l brother. And the ladies, whew, don’t know how they’re going to manage.” I looked up at the sky. “Do you know they’re still calling my phone asking for you? You must have left a good damn impression, but, uh, that doesn’t surprise me. You’re an Abrams, right?” A few more tears fell down my face as I slowly opened the container. I looked inside it. “I know, I know, you love me, so take your hands off your chest.” I smiled and let the ashes drift off into the Mississippi River. “I love you too.”

  Several cars drove by blowing their horns at me. A white man in a truck called me a stupid motherfucker for holding up traffic. Instead of making more trouble for myself, I got in my car and left. I found another cheap motel outside St. Louis and stayed there until I figured out where I was going to run next. I wasn’t sure if the police were looking for me or not, but I was so damn paranoid. It felt like I was going crazy, and I even thought about Quincy snitching and telling the police everything he knew. My thoughts then turned to Desmon. My only son. What would he do without me? Feeling like a deadbeat, I decided to never call Ginger’s place again. She called almost every day and left messages, but as soon as I heard her voice, I deleted the call. I knew if I listened, she’d convince me to come back to her, but staying in St. Louis wasn’t in my plan.

  As for Candi, she still hadn’t given up either. Called me day after day, begging me to call her back. I planned on calling her but I needed more time to figure out what to do.

  Once Quincy got settled he called and told me I could come see him in jail. We kept our conversations short on the phone ’cause Rufus already gave us the scoop about them listening in on people’s conversations.

  Anxious to see him, I sat in a chair behind the glass, waiting. I tapped my foot on the floor, knowing the sight of him behind bars would kill me. Finally, he came out with handcuffs on, and shackles on his feet. The guard took the cuffs off him, and he sat down in the chair in front of me. He smiled, picked the phone up, and so did I.

  “You look like you should be in here,” he said, laughing. “I mean, the beard, your fuzzy hair; don’t ever think I’ve seen you look that rugged.”

  I looked down at the ground as I tried to catch myself from tearing up. The sight of Quincy being on the other side wasn’t a good feeling. After I got myself together, I held my head up. “You didn’t have to do this, you know?”

  “Yeah, but what the hell? I ain’t got nothing to lose anyway, right?”

  “Yeah, you do. You’ve lost your life, your freedom; and why? Because of your muh-fucking love for me.” I dropped my head again, fighting my emotions.

  “Come on now, playa,” Quincy said, shaking his head. “Don’t go doing that shit.” His eyes watered. “You gon’ have these fools up in here thinking I’m soft.”

  “Naw, if anybody up in there thinks you’re soft,” I said, pointing my finger at him through the glass, “you tell them to come see me. You the hardest muh-fucking colored man I know.”

  Quincy blinked the water from his eyes and laughed. “So, uh, have you seen Desmon?”

  “Naw, man. I’m leaving him in the past. Ain’t no telling when I’ll make it back his way.”

  “Naw, playa. It ain’t going down like that. He’s the reason I decided to do this. He needs you, man. It’s not about the money; it’s not about the beautiful women and fancy cars. It’s all about just being there for him. You couldn’t do that if you were cooped up in here, so please, do the right thing.”

  “I don’t know, Q. I don’t think I’m cut out for the daddy bullshit.”

  “Bullshit, man, and you know it. Papa Abrams taught all of us about the important things in life. He’d be disappointed in you for walking away from your own son. I know for a fact he taught you better than that.”

  I rubbed my hands across my face, gave Quincy a stare, and then shook my head. “You’re right. He would be disappointed, but he’d for damn sure be proud of you.”

  “Man, please. I just did what I had to do. Now, you go do what you need to do.”

  “I will, bro. I promise you I will.”

  Quincy and me reminisced about the good times with me, him, and Kareem and he had me cracking up. I couldn’t understand how he managed to put up such a good front like everything was cool, but deep down I knew the thought of him being there for fifty years was killing him.

  “Well, my time is just about up,” he said. “They be straight up clocking a brotha up in here, so keep your phone available and send me a li’l something when you get a chance.”

  “No problem. Anything you want, my brotha. Any damn thing you want.”

  Quincy held up the deuces sign, pausing before hanging up the phone. He placed his hand on his heart and mouthed that he loved me. I whispered it back, and after he got up and walked away, I stayed there for a moment, thinking about how wrong I was for letting him take the fall. I knew his intentions were good, but I couldn’t live with myself knowing he would be locked up for almost the rest of his life. Last thing I wanted was to sit back and watch him go down, especially when I knew that I was the one behind this madness, not him. I dropped my head in shame, and could hear my heart pounding hard against my chest. My eyes watered, and when I looked up again, Quincy was gone. I felt a serious need to go turn myself in. Something about this didn’t seem fair. I knew that Desmon needed me too, but what kind of father could I be to him under these conditions? There was no doubt that he would be better off without me.

  When I got back to the motel, I called Ginger to let her know I was coming to see her and Desmon that night. I told her everything that happened, and told her that after spending one last night with them, I was turning myself in. She disagreed with me.

  “No, Kiley. Please don’t do it. Don’t you understand that we need you?”

  “Yes, I do understand, but I can’t le
t my boy go out like this. This shit is eating me alive and I already feel guilty as fuck. Desmon will be okay. He got you, and I know you’ll continue to do right by him. Promise me that you will.”

  There was a long pause before Ginger answered. “I know I’m not going to be able to talk you out of this, but I wish I could. And you know I’m going to be the best mother I can to Desmon. That’s a promise I can keep.”

  “Good. And one last thing. Don’t bring him to prison to see me. I’m ashamed of some of the things I’ve done, and there’s no way for me to explain this shit.”

  “You have no right to be ashamed. You did what you had to do. I will make sure that your son knows that you’re a good man, Kiley, and a damn good father.”

  I took a hard swallow and massaged my aching forehead. Hurt was all inside of me, and I couldn’t wait to wrap my arms around my son and tell him how much I loved him. I told Ginger I would be there as soon as I showered and changed my clothes.

  The second I got out of the shower, Candi hit me up on my cell phone. Since I hadn’t talked to her in a while, I finally answered it. She sounded excited to hear my voice, and knowing that I would probably never see her again, I told her I wanted to come by and say good-bye.

  I knew I would probably be all night at Ginger’s place so I stopped by to see Candi first. When she opened the door, seeing her put a serious smile on my face. She hugged me tightly and didn’t want to let go.

  “Damn, you miss me that much?” I asked then removed her arms from around my neck.

  She nodded. “I’ve been so worried about you, Kiley. Why haven’t you called me?”

  “Baby, I’m sure you know there’s been a lot going down.”

  “I know. I’ve been hearing all kinds of things on the news, and reading shit in the papers. Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?”

  “Because I didn’t want you judging me, Candi. That’s why. You never would have understood.”

  “Yes, I would have. I’m not like that and you know it.”

  “Well, it’s all over with now. Kareem’s dead, Quincy’s in prison, and I have no idea where I’m headed.”