Monsters in the Midwest (Book 2): Northwoods Wolfman

by Burtness, Scott

  “Thanks for coming, Dallas, and thanks for not bringing that other chick. I don’t think me and her are going to be BFF’s, if you get what I mean.”

  “Oh, Aletia, right. Um, I’m sorry about that. She’s a, well, she’s um.” He thought for a moment. The Society was a secret organization, but Aletia’s display at the bowling alley made him wonder if it was a secret that was supposed to be actually kept, or a secret that was something it was okay if people knew as long as they knew that they knew a secret. It was a little confusing for him.

  “It’s alright. We can talk about her and your other friends later.” Lois moved to clear a space on the sofa, shifting a collection of books and what looked like scrolls to a still-empty space on the side table.

  Scrolls? Who reads scrolls? Dallas wondered.

  “Sit,” she instructed. “You want anything? A beer?”

  “Beer’d be great, I guess,” Dallas responded, still feeling very unsettled. He’d only been a member of the Society for a couple of weeks but felt like he’d learned enough to know a thing or two about a thing or two, including how to add up black clothes, lots of candles, weird stuff, and old books, and get witch.

  “I see you’ve got a head start on me,” he observed, pointing at an empty Milwaukee’s Best can sitting in the center of the coffee table.

  Lois looked at the can, and her expression softened a smidge.

  “Just be quiet for a little bit longer, okay?”

  Dallas shrugged, his discomfort sawing at his patience like a rusty blade at an old rope.

  “Sure. Whatever. You tell me to come over, say you want to talk, and then tell me to be quiet. Makes perfect sense. Guess I’ll just sit here and not say a thing.”

  Crossing his arms and plopping heavily onto the couch, he hmph’d and pointedly looked at nothing, which also happened to be the beer can on the table.

  “No, not you…” Lois replied. “Oh, never mind. I’ll be right back.” Lois disappeared into the rambler’s small kitchen and returned a moment later with two beers, holding one out for Dallas.

  Settling in next to him on the couch, she pulled the tab and took a long, slow drink. Dallas did the same and then sat quietly, waiting for some clue as to what this was all about. The silence stretched until he couldn’t bear it any longer.

  “Why the hell are you witch, Lois?” he blurted. “And don’t deny it. You can’t go around being all witchy, turning necklaces into gumballs, dressing in black, and having all this weird stuff all over the place, and tell me you’re not a witch. Walks like a duck, talks like a duck, I always say, and it is pretty damn obvious that you’re a duck. So whatever you got into, whatever phase you’re going through, you just knock it off. You get your regular clothes and your tan back, fix your hair, and you just stop being a witch, alright? No one wants a witch around these parts, and if you keep being a witch, you’re gonna get…” he snapped his mouth shut and stared at his beer can.

  “You just can’t be a witch,” he finally managed. “End of story.”

  During his outburst, Lois hadn’t said a word.

  “Well, okay then,” he said with a slow nod. It had actually been much easier than he’d expected, but Lois was a smart girl. She just needed someone to shake her up a bit and set her straight. She’d be okay now, he was certain. A huge weight he hadn’t even really known was pressing down on his shoulders suddenly lifted. He’d go back to Colton, to Aletia, and he’d let them know Lois was going to be fine. He’d talked some sense into her. She was going to be fine, and they didn’t need to worry about it.

  Mood drastically improved, Dallas took another drink of his beer, let out a satisfied sigh, and smiled.

  “Now that we’ve got that all squared away, you said you wanted to talk. What’s up?”

  Lois took a breath, held it for a moment, and let it out through her nose. Another breath, then she opened her mouth to speak. This time, the breath rushed out of her open mouth instead of her nose. Shaking her head, she looked at the coffee table.

  “I don’t even know how to start,” she said softly. “It’s like talking to a man-sized toddler.”

  “He’s always been like that.”

  Dallas whipped his head around, startled by the voice.

  “Who was that? Who else is here?” he asked.

  “Shhh,” Lois said. “I’ve got this.”

  Turning, she looked at Dallas. “We need to talk about this summer, about what happened. About Herb.” Lois paused, looking down at her folded hands.

  “After you... after Herb died, I was a mess. For the first time in my life, I had found someone that I really connected with. Someone I could be myself with, someone who actually liked me and wasn’t a total ass.”

  “Hey!” Dallas protested. “I liked you. Hell, I liked you a lot. Still do.”

  Lois just looked at Dallas.

  “Oh. Well, yeah. I guess I get your point,” he said. “What can I say? I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.” Dallas grinned. “But c’mon. You know we had a little something.”

  Lois raised an eyebrow.

  “A tiny little bit of something?”

  Lois continued to skewer him with her stare.

  “Okay,” Dallas finally conceded, “but even so, I think we can both agree you were on the verge of being totally into me, even if you didn’t quite realize yet, right?”

  With an exasperated sigh, Lois ignored Dallas and continued.

  “I won’t say I’ve made the best choices when it comes to guys, but I will say this. Every bad boy that I’ve dated, I’ve known the guy was a jerk. My eyes were always wide open. I either ignored what I knew was true or convinced myself that they might change, but I never, never dated a jerk that I didn’t know was a jerk. You knew Herb for a long time. He was a lot of things, but tell me honestly, do you think he was a jerk? An asshole? A bad guy?”

  Dallas’s faced screwed up in thought. She had a point. Herb was probably the nicest person Dallas had ever known. Hell, half of the trouble Dallas got him out of was usually the result of Herby getting into a jam because he was too damn nice.

  “So? Herb was a nice guy. I’ll give you that. But I don’t see what that has to do with the price of beer at a Brewers game.”

  “I knew Herb before he was a vampire, too, remember?”

  Dallas yelped in surprise. “You believe me? I told you so. I told you that he was a goddamn bloodsucker, and you saw. You saw him burn right up when I staked him. He didn’t skip town. No sir. Goddamn vamp, that’s what he was, and I saved you, and you know it.”

  Lois’s mouth compressed to a tight line, and her brow wrinkled above eyes gone dangerously dark. Visibly regaining her composure, she continued.

  “I never said Herb wasn’t a vampire. Other folks might be able to rationalize away what they saw that night, but not me. Yes, Herb was a vampire, but he wasn’t a monster. I hate to burst your carefully constructed bubble, Dallas, but you didn’t save me.”

  Lois looked at him imploringly. “Herb and I worked together four, five days a week for over six months. He was always... sweet. Kind of a mess, definitely a dork, but sweet. When he became a vampire, he didn’t turn into an asshole. If he had, I would’ve known. No, when Herb was changed, he didn’t become a monster. Not even a jerk. Herb blossomed. He became someone amazing. If you hadn’t been so busy being jealous, you would’ve seen it.”

  “I wasn’t being jealous! Me? Jealous of Herb?” Dallas forced a laugh and tried not to grimace when he heard just how forced it sounded. “That’s crazy talk. Me, jealous of Herb.”

  Suddenly very uncomfortable, Dallas rose to his feet and walked toward the kitchen.

  “You got more beers in here?” he asked, leaning into the kitchen entrance.

  “Fridge. Help yourself,” Lois answered in a monotone and then continued more quietly, “This is going to be harder than I thought.”

  “You’re doing great.”

  “Who are you talking to?” Dallas demanded, walking back into
the room with a fresh beer. “I keep hearing someone. Who’s here?” he asked, loudly, looking around.

  “You punched him, Dallas. When he beat you at bowling, you walked right up and socked him in the jaw. If that wasn’t jealousy, what was it? A well-intentioned, but poorly executed high five?” she asked, ignoring his question.

  “I know that was a shitty thing to do,” Dallas admitted, still looking around the room for the third voice. “But I also apologized. Even bought the guy a drink after. Look, guys do that sometimes, especially during bowling. I wouldn’t expect you to understand, but bowling is a highly competitive sport. Tempers can flare up, but it doesn’t mean anything.”

  “He was on your team and had just helped your team win the championship tourney. Stanley was on his team and didn’t punch him. Neither did the guys on the other team. Just you, Dallas. Admit it. You were jealous of Herb and his newfound gifts.”

  “Gifts! Yeah, that guy in the woods that they found, he got one of Herby’s gifts. Or those college frat boys and the stripper they found in the dumpster at Nekked’s. I’m sure they really appreciated Herb’s gifts. And Helen, bless her perfectly heart-shaped behind and fantastic rack…” He paused, looking contrite. “Sorry, but it’s true. The girl was a Penthouse Letter in the flesh, but what did Herb do? Turned her into a vamp and tossed her in a tanning booth.”

  Lois squeezed her hands into fists. “The guy in the woods was an accident! It was Herb’s first time trying to feed, and he got scared. Helen was an accident too. He had just become a vampire and didn’t have a clue how any of it worked. Helen might’ve been a wet dream for the guys in town, but she wasn’t the brightest bulb in the tanning booth and didn’t realize UV light would kill her. It wasn’t Herb’s fault. He barely knew what he was. How could he have warned her?”

  Dallas looked at Lois like she’d just grown a second head. “What are you talking about? Look, you can be all heart-broken and weird about your dead vampire boyfriend, but that’s no excuse to start making up all kinds of stories.”

  “I’m not making up stories, Dallas. It’s what happened.”

  “Really? And how would you know what happened? Were you there?” Dallas crossed his arms across his chest and stared down at Lois.

  “No, she wasn’t there, Dallas. I was.”

  Dallas’s breath caught in his throat. The soft voice had a tinny, hollow sound. For some reason, he remembered playing telephone as a kid with two tin cans and a string. The voice kind of sounded like that. When he thought about it, the voice also sounded like,

  “Herb?”

  Dallas’s head swiveled to and fro. Turning back to Lois, he voiced his sudden anger.

  “What the hell, Lois? What kind of sick joke is this?”

  Lois spread her arms. “No joke, Dallas. It’s Herb.”

  “Where? Is this some witchy stuff? If that’s really Herb, then where is he?”

  “Well, for the time being, he’s in there,” she replied, pointing at the can of Milwaukee’s Best on the coffee table.

  “Howdy-do.”

  Dallas blinked. It sounded like the tinny voice came from the beer can. As in, from the beer can.

  “What in the…,” he started. “It can’t be. It just,” he groped for words. “Can’t be.”

  Lois stood and faced Dallas. “You were right, Dallas. It is witchy stuff. I’m a witch, and I brought Herb back.”

  “Back? Like, back from the dead?” Dallas asked, incredulous.

  “Worse. Turns out vampires aren’t really heaven material, so I was in a pretty bad place. Lois saved me, Dallas.”

  “But why’s he in a beer can?” Dallas asked in a scared whisper.

  “I wanted to be in that Bela Lugosi bowling bag Slow Johnson was selling at the pro shop, but Lois said it wouldn’t work since I didn’t own it when I was alive.” Herb explained in a reasonable, if still tinny, tone.

  Dallas tried to process that and failed. Looking to Lois for help, she shrugged.

  “I told you. After Herb died, I was a wreck. I wanted him back, so I started looking for a way. It didn’t take long. Trappersville’s library is surprisingly well-stocked, and eBay is a great place for supplies.”

  “eBay?” Dallas repeated. “You got Herb-in-a-can on eBay?”

  “Sit down, Dallas,” Lois coaxed. “I’m trying to explain.”

  “You’re going to explain how my best buddy-turned-vampire that I stabbed in the chest with a busted pool cue and then watched burn to a crisp ended up in a can of Milwaukee’s Best because you went to the library and did some shopping online? Like, that can actually be explained?” Dallas asked as a deep panic started to unfold.

  “Pretty cool, right?”

  Dallas chose that moment to collapse back onto the couch. Lois looked at him to make sure he wasn’t going to throw up. Apparently satisfied that he was okay for the moment, she walked to the kitchen and returned with another beer.

  “I never really told anyone this, but there was a reason I moved to Trappersville,” she said quietly. “My mom’s side of the family was originally from these parts. Well, I guess if you go back far enough, they were from Norway, but when my great-grandparents immigrated to America, they settled here. I grew up in Lincoln, Nebraska, but mom made me spend a few summers up here with her sister when I was little. I used to think mom was… eccentric until I met my aunt Helga. That woman was something else. The stuff she would do…” Lois shook her head and smiled sadly. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was trying to teach me.”

  Lois paused, her eyes losing focus as she looked at her past.

  “Anyway, my last boyfriend before I moved here was the worst of a string of bad mistakes I’d made, and I needed a fresh start. Aunt Helga had moved back to Norway, but I remembered how beautiful and serene northern Wisconsin was, and mom always talked about how great the people were. I figured it would be as good of a place as any, so I moved. Once I arrived, I started to look up mom’s side of the family. Between the county’s public records and the library’s local history section, I found out quite a bit not only about mom and Aunt Helga, but about their mom and grandma, even their great-grandma. Turns out, ‘eccentric’ runs in the women of our family. So when Herb died, I had a good idea of what to do.”

  Dallas threw his hands up. “You’ve completely lost me. We were talking about Herb. In. A. Can.”

  “We are talking about Herb in a can,” Lois replied, exasperated. “Sorry, Herb.”

  “No worries. I’m good.” Herb replied amicably.

  “You’re… friend at the bowling alley was right, Dallas. I am a witch. I also happen to be descended from a long line of witches that trace their lineage back to the early 1500’s in Iceland and northern Norway. We Norwegians were the earliest and most numerous Scandinavian settlers in Wisconsin. You can still find plenty of churches that have services in Norwegian all over the state.”

  For a moment, Lois’s expression soured.

  “The church. Witchcraft wasn’t even called ‘witchcraft’ until the Holy Church decided it was evil in the 1600’s. Before that, women with our abilities were honored members of the community. We provided protection, healthcare, education, farming advice, even marital counseling. Then suddenly, we were terrible creatures, in league with Satan, and a perfectly acceptable substitute for firewood if the town’s ignorant schmucks felt like toasting marshmallows.”

  “But witches are evil,” Dallas exclaimed, jumping to his feet and pacing restlessly. “Everyone knows that. I mean, casting spells and mixing potions and sneaking around all warty and hag-like. Not that you’re warty or haggish, but I’ll bet if you keep this up, you’re gonna be. I told you straight away to knock that witchy stuff off, and I can’t think of a better reason. Lois, you’re hot. Smokin’ hot! Why would you want to get all warty and gross?”

  “You must be blind,” Lois responded.

  “What? No! Look, I know you’re in a funk, but you gotta believe me.” Dallas sat back down on the couch and took Lo
is’s hands in his own.

  “You really are a babe, Lois. You might not see it now, with your hair pulled back like that and no makeup and your kinda creepy clothes, but I’ll tell you what. You hit that tanning booth, slap on a little eyeliner, and show off that tummy again, and you’ll be back in hot-land. Guaranteed.”

  “But Dallas, I’m talking about you. Masturbation makes you go blind. Everyone knows that.”

  Dallas sputtered for a moment before Herb’s tinny voice chimed in.

  “Ooooh! You got burned, Big D. So burned!”

  “Shut it, Herb, or I’ll recycle your ass.” Dallas dropped Lois’s hands, annoyed at being laughed at by a talking beer can.

  “All I’m saying is that you can’t believe everything you hear,” Lois explained. “Jerking off doesn’t make you go blind. Witches aren’t all ugly and covered in warts, and vampires aren’t always evil monsters.”

  “Uh huh. So, you’re a witch that comes from a long line of hot Norwegian witches, and Herb was actually a friendly vampire that just happened to kill people and drink their blood, and this is all just one big misunderstanding. Okey doke. Got it.”

  Dallas stood and made for the door. Turning back, he pointed a stern finger at Lois and shook it for good effect.

  “Well, here’s a little dose of wake-the-hell-up. You cast one more spell. Just one. You send Herb back to wherever dead vampires are supposed to be, and then you quit being a witch. Otherwise, you’ll be picking the wrong side, Lois. You’ll be on the side of monsters and ghosts and demons and all kinds of bad shit. I ain’t gonna be on that side. I’m the goddamn Hero of Trappersville and a bona fide member of the Society, and we don’t tolerate that. No sir!”

  “What are you saying, Dallas? That you’d attack me? Kill me?” Lois launched to her feet, returning Dallas’s glare with her own.

  “Hey, c’mon guys. Let’s bring it down a notch, okay? Let’s not do anything crazy,” Herb pleaded.