The Journey of Joenes

by Robert Sheckley

  She was gone as quickly as she had come, and the corridor was deserted. Joenes stared in both directions, but saw nothing to indicate that either Theseus or the girl had ever passed his way. He rubbed his eyes, and once again lay down and fell asleep.

  Some storytellers maintain that Joenes met with numerous other adventures while he was within the corridors of the Octagon. It is said that he encountered the Three Fates, and that those ancient crones explained to him their duties and desires, and from that Joenes grew to an understanding of the problems of the gods, and their ways of solving those problems. It is also said that Joenes slept on the floor of the corridor for twenty years, and that he awakened only through the intervention of Aphrodite Pan-demos, who told him the story of her life. And when Joenes expressed disbelief at certain details of her story, the goddess changed our hero into a woman. In this form, Joenes underwent many difficulties and testings of the soul, to say nothing of the body, and learned many curious things that men, as a rule, never learn. And at last he acknowledged the truth of every detail of Aphrodite’s story, and she changed him back into a man.

  But there is only a limited authority for all this, and no details given. So now we will tell of Joenes’s last adventure in the Octagon, which came as he lay asleep after his encounter with Theseus.

  THE STORY OF MINOTAURUS

  Joenes was roughly shaken awake. He sprang to his feet, and saw that the hall around him was no longer ancient and decayed, but was now gleaming and modern. The man who had awakened him was very large through the shoulders, even larger in the paunch, and had a broad, stern, no-nonsense face. No one could have mistaken this man for anything but an official.

  “You’re Joenes?” the official asked. “Well, if you’ve finished your nap, I suppose we can get to work.”

  Joenes expressed his deep regret that he had been sleeping instead of looking for the office to which he had been sent.

  “It doesn’t matter,” the official said. “We have our protocol here, but I hope we’re not stuffy. As a matter of fact, it’s just as well that you slept. I had been situated in an entirely different part of the building, and I received urgent orders from the Security Chief to move my office here and to effect any repairs I thought necessary. The workmen found you asleep and decided not to bother you. They did their work in silence, moving you only to repair the piece of floor you lay upon. You didn’t even wake up when they moved you.”

  Joenes looked with increasing amazement at the vast amount of work that had been done while he slept. He turned to an office door, where before there had been only a decayed wall. On that door was neatly stencilled: Room 18891, Floor 12, Level 6, Wing 63, Subsection AJB-2. This was the exact address he had been looking for in vain; and Joenes expressed surprise at the manner in which his search had ended.

  “Nothing to be surprised about,” the official said. “This is quite an ordinary business procedure here. The highest officials not only know the building and all its contents, but they are also aware of every person’s movements within the building. They know only too well the difficulties a stranger encounters here; and unfortunately, there are very strict laws against helping strangers. But the officials circumvent the law from time to time by moving the office to meet the searcher. Reasonable, eh? Now come in and we’ll get to work.”

  Within the office there was a large desk piled high with papers, and three ringing telephones.

  The official asked Joenes to take a chair while he dealt with the telephones. He did so with the utmost dispatch.

  “Speak up man!” he roared into the first telephone. “What’s that? Mississippi flooding again? Build a dam! Build ten dams, but get it under control. Send me a memo when you’re finished.”

  “Yes, I can hear you,” he shouted into the second telephone. “Starvation in the Panhandle? Distribute food at once! Just sign my name at the government warehouse.”

  “Calm down and let’s hear about it,” he bellowed into the third telephone. “Plague sweeping Los Angeles? Get vaccine in there at once, and send me a wire when it’s under control.”

  The official put down the last of his telephones and said to Joenes, “These idiotic assistants of mine panic at the slightest thing. And as if that weren’t bad enough, those gutless wonders wouldn’t pull a drowning baby out of a bathtub without calling me first for authorization!”

  Joenes had listened to the official’s swift and decisive words over the telephones, and a suspicion had crossed his mind. He said, “I’m not absolutely certain of this, but I believe that a certain aggrieved young man—”

  “—is trying to assassinate me,” the official finished for him. “That’s it, isn’t it? Well, I took care of him half an hour ago. You don’t catch Edwin J. Minotaurus napping. My guards took him away, and he’ll probably get life imprisonment. But don’t tell anyone.”

  “Why not?” Joenes asked.

  “Bad publicity,” Minotaurus said. “Especially his affair with my daughter, whom, incidentally, he knocked up. I’ve told that little half-wit to bring her friends to the house, but no, she has to sneak out and have dates with anarchists! We’re giving out a specially prepared story that this Theseus fellow wounded me so severely that the doctors have despaired of my life; and that he escaped and married my daughter. You can see the value of a story like that.”

  “Not too clearly,” Joenes said.

  “Why damn it all, it builds up sympathy for me!” Minotaurus said. “People will feel sorry when they hear I’m at the point of death. And they’ll feel even sorrier when they learn that my only daughter has married my assassin. You see, in spite of my proven abilities, the rabble doesn’t like me. This story should win them over.”

  “It’s very ingenious,” Joenes said.

  “Thank you,” said Minotaurus. “Frankly, I had been worrying about my public image for quite some time, and if this moron with his string and his revolver hadn’t come along, I would have had to hire somebody. I just hope the newspapers handle the story properly.”

  “Is there any doubt about that?” Joenes said.

  “Oh, they’ll print what I tell them,” Minotaurus said moodily. “And I’ve hired a man to do a book about it, and there’ll be a play and a movie based on the book. Don’t worry, I’ll milk this for all it’s worth.”

  “What have you told them to write about your daughter?” Joenes asked.

  “Well, as I said, she marries this anarchist fellow. And then in a year or two we publish an account of their divorce. Have to give the child a name, you know. But God knows what those idiots will write about my poor fat little Ariadne. Probably make her out to be beautiful, thinking it will please me. And the filthy scum who read this sort of thing will cry, and ask for more. Even kings and presidents, who should know better, will read these lies in preference to a good honest book of statistics. The human race is largely composed of incompetent, lying, bungling fools. I can control them, but I’ll be damned if I can understand them.”

  “What about the children?” Joenes asked.

  “What do you mean, what about the children?” Minotaurus said, glaring fiercely.

  “Well, Theseus said—”

  “That man is a gifted but insane liar,” Minotaurus stated. “If it weren’t for my position, I’d have sued him for libel. Children! Do I look like some kind of pervert? I think we can safely forget any question of children. Now, shall we get down to you and your work?”

  Joenes nodded, and Minotaurus gave him a quick briefing on the political situation he was likely to find in Russia. He showed Joenes a secret map that gave the approximate positions and strengths of Communist and Western forces all over the earth. Joenes was stunned by the hugeness of the enemy forces, painted blood-red and stretching across many countries. The Western forces, painted sky-blue, seemed entirely inadequate.

  “It isn’t as hopeless as it looks,” Minotaurus said. “For one thing, that map is only guesswork. For another, we do possess an enormous stockpile of warheads, and a mi
ssile system to carry them. We’ve come a long way with our missiles. The real proof came last year during the Combat Team Easy field exercises. At that time, a single. Gnome missile with an improved warhead was able to blow up Io, one of the moons of Jupiter where we had simulated a Russian base.”

  “That certainly sounds as though we have strength,” Joenes said.

  “Oh yes. But the Russians and Chinese also have improved missiles, which succeeded four years ago in blowing up the planet Neptune. In effect, that means a missile stalemate. There may be some disaffection between the Russians and the Chinese because of the Yingdraw incident; but we can’t count on that.”

  “What can we count on?” Joenes asked.

  “Nobody knows,” Minotaurus said. “That’s why we’re sending you on to find out. Information is our problem, Joenes. What is the enemy actually up to? What in hell is going on over there? I know that John Mudge of Services Co-ordination told you of our need for the truth, no matter how terrible, told bluntly and forthrightly by a man we can trust. Do you understand the task we are setting you, Joenes?”

  “I think I do,” Joenes said.

  “You are to serve no group or faction; and above all you are not to make the sort of report you think we would like to hear. You are neither to minimize nor to maximize the things you see, but to state them as simply and as objectively as possible.”

  “I will do my best,” Joenes said.

  “I don’t suppose I can ask for more,” Minotaurus said grudgingly.

  Then Minotaurus gave Joenes the money and papers he would need for his trip. And instead of sending him back into the corridors to find his way to the entrance, Minotaurus opened a window and pressed a button.

  “This is the way I always do it,” Minotaurus said, helping Joenes into the seat beside the pilot. “Can’t be bothered with all those damned corridors. Good luck, Joenes, and remember what I’ve said.”

  Joenes said that he would. He felt deeply touched by the faith Minotaurus had in him. The helicopter moved away towards the Washington Airport, where a special autopilot jet would be waiting. But as the helicopter rose, Joenes thought he heard children’s laughter from a room adjoining Minotaurus’s office.

  XII

  THE STORY OF RUSSIA

  (As told by Pelui of Easter Island)

  Joenes boarded his special jet, and soon he was high in the air racing northward towards the pole. A meal was served to him automatically, and later a movie was shown for his solitary pleasure. The sun hung low on the horizon and at last the jet’s automatic pilot asked Joenes to fasten his seat belt for the landing at Moscow Airport.

  The landing was made without incident; and Joenes waited with mingled feelings of excitement and apprehension as the door of the jet swung open upon the capital of the Communist world.

  Joenes was met by three officials of the Soviet government. They were clad in fur hats and coats, and fur-lined boots, necessary protection against the freezing wind that howled across the flat fields. They introduced themselves and took Joenes to a waiting command car for the drive into Moscow. During this ride, Joenes had a chance to look more closely at the men he was to deal with.

  Comrade Slavski was bearded to his eye, which had a dreamy, faraway look in their hazel depths.

  Comrade Oruthi was small and clean-shaven, and he walked with a limp.

  Marshal Trigask was round and cheerful, and seemed a man to be reckoned with.

  At Red Square they parked in front of the Peace Hall. Within, a cheerful fire was blazing. The Russians gestured Joenes to a comfortable chair, and took seats beside him.

  “We shall waste no words,” Marshal Trigask said. “I shall merely preface this discussion by welcoming you to our beloved Moscow. We are always pleased when accredited Western diplomats such as yourself come to visit us. We are plain speakers, and we expect plain speaking in return. That is how to get things done. You may have noticed on your drive into Moscow—”

  “Yes,” broke in Slavski, “you must excuse me, I beg your pardon, but did you notice the little white snow crystals falling? And the white winter sky? I’m really very sorry, I shouldn’t speak, but even a man such as myself has feelings and sometimes feels impelled to express them. Nature, gentlemen! Excuse me, but nature, yes, there is something about it. …”

  Marshal Trigask interrupted: “This is enough, Slavski. The most excellent Presidential Envoy Joenes has, I am sure, noticed nature at some time or another. I think we can dispense with such niceties. I am a plain man and I want to speak plainly. Perhaps I seem crude to you, but there it is. I am a soldier, and I cannot be bothered with diplomat’s manners. Have I made myself clear?”

  “Yes, quite clear,” Joenes said.

  “Excellent,” Marshall Trigask went on. “In that case, what is your answer?”

  “My answer to what?” Joenes asked.

  “To our latest proposals,” Trigask said. “Surely you haven’t come all this way simply for a vacation?”

  “I’m afraid you’ll have to tell me about your proposals,” Joenes said.

  “They’re really very simple,” Comrade Oruthi said. “We merely ask that your government dismantle its arms, give up its colony of Hawaii, allow us to take possession of Alaska (which was originally ours), and also give us the northern half of California as a sign of good faith. Upon those terms we will undertake to do various things that I have forgotten at the moment. What do you say?”

  Joenes tried to explain that he had no authority to say anything, but the Russians were unwilling to accept that. Therefore, knowing that such terms would never be accepted in Washington, he said no.

  “You see?” Oruthi said. “I told you they’d say no.”

  “It was worth a try, wasn’t it?” Marshal Trigask said. “After all, they might have said yes. But now we can get down to fundamentals. Mr. Joenes, I want you and your government to know that we are prepared to repel any attack of any size that you may mount against us.”

  “Our defenses begin in Eastern Germany,” Oruthi said, “and they run in breadth from the Baltic to the Mediterranean.”

  “In depth,” Marshal Trigask said, “they extend completely through Germany and Poland, and through most of European Russia. You may inspect those defenses and see for yourself our states of preparedness. Furthermore, our defenses are fully automatic, more modern than those of Western Europe, and more densely situated. In short, we are still ahead of you. We have outdefended you, and will be happy to prove it.”

  Slavski, who had been silent for a long time, now said, “You will see all this, my friend! You will see the starlight glittering on the gun barrels! I beg your pardon, but even a humble man like me, a man who might be mistaken for a fishmonger or a carpenter, has his poetic moments. Yes, it is true even though you laugh, gentlemen! Did not our poet say: ‘Dark is the grass/ When night shall creep/ Away in sorrow.’ Ah, you had not thought to hear me quote poetry! Let me assure you, I am quite aware of the impropriety of my quoting poetry! I regret my conduct more than you could imagine, I deplore it in fact, and yet …”

  Comrade Oruthi gently joggled Slavski’s shoulder, and he fell silent. Oruthi said, “You must forget his outbursts, Mr. Joenes. He is a leading Party theoretician, and therefore has a tendency towards self-conscious speech. Where are we?”

  “I think I had just explained,” Marshal Trigask said, “that our defenses are completely in order.”

  “Exactly,” Oruthi said. “Your government should not be deceived on that account. Nor should they attach any importance to the Yingdraw incident. Your propagandists have doubtless represented that in many false ways. But the truth is quite simple, and came about through a simple misunderstanding.”

  “I was there at the time,” Marshal Trigask said, “and can tell you exactly what happened. My command, the People’s First, Eighth, Fifteenth, and Twenty-fifth Armies, were holding field exercises at Yingdraw near the border of the Chinese People’s Republic. During these exercises we were murderously at
tacked by a revisionist band of turncoat Chinese who had been subverted by Western gold, and who had somehow eluded the Peiping authorities.

  “I was political commissar at the time,” Oruthi said, “and I can attest the truth of what the Marshal is saying. These bandits came at us under the guise of the Chinese People’s Fourth, Twelfth, Thirteenth, and Thirty-second Armies. Naturally we informed Peiping, and then took steps to drive the turncoats over the border.”

  “They, of course, insisted that they were driving us back over the border,” Marshal Trigask said, with an ironic smile. “This was what we expected rebels to say, so battle was joined. In the meantime, we had received a message from Peiping. Unfortunately, it was written in ideograms. We were unable to read it, and sent it to Moscow for translation. In the meantime battle raged, and for a week both sides blazed away at each other.”

  “The translation came back,” Oruthi said. “It read: ‘The government of the Chinese People’s Republic resents any implication of expansionism on its part, especially in regard to the rich, empty lands adjacent to the crowded Chinese borders. There are no rebels within the territorial limits of the Chinese People’s Republic, and none are possible in a truly socialistic state. Therefore cease your warlike attacks upon our peaceful frontiers.’ ”

  “You can imagine our perplexity,” Marshal Trigask said. “The Chinese insisted that there were no rebels, and we were fighting at least a million of them, all of whom had stolen uniforms from the Chinese People’s Army.”

  “Luckily,” Oruthi said, “a high Kremlin official had come to advise us. This man was an expert on China. He told us we could ignore the first part of the message about expansionism, since this was meant in the form of a salutation. The second part about the non-existence of rebels, was obviously designed to save face. Accordingly he advised us to push the rebels back into China.”

  “That, however, was quite difficult,” Marshal Trigask said. “The rebels had been reinforced by several million armed men, and by sheer weight of numbers had pushed us back all the way to Omsk, sacking Semipalatinsk on their way.”