by Raven Monet
Flipping through channels, I ran across a show that was aimed at homosexual males, flaunting young, athletic men with amazing smiles and corny dialogue. I would often imagine that one of them were smiling at me and let myself feel the flutter of attraction that I had for his hard body. My favorite character’s name was Eli and he covered the cowboy fantasy aspect of the show but soon I found that his accent was slightly inauthentic, so I preferred to watch with the volume down. It was just as satisfying even though I couldn’t hear a word that came out of his gorgeous mouth. Sighing as I turned off the TV and drowned in self-pity, I tossed the remote on the plush, leather sofa and headed to my room to put on some socks and sneakers
Running was a good way for me to clear my head and as the rhythmic tapping of my shoes against the pavement drummed out a steady pace, I felt my heart begin to pump harder as my breath began to quicken. I was determined to get a full body sweat this morning so I’d have to really push myself harder than a regular jog. My mind raced to keep up with the pounding of my feet and all I could see was my mother’s face when I would attempt to tell her that I’m gay and each scenario ends with her in tears. Trying to force her heartbroken face from my mind, I told myself that I could never cause her that kind of pain and it was better to just go for a run than deal with the bitter emotions that my mother would have to handle if I told her my truth.
“How could you do this to me? What will the pastor say? You’re going to hell!” All these things raced through my mind, knowing what dear Margaret would say before I’d even mentioned it. Once I told her, these phrases would be shouted at the top of her voice, mixed with tears and uncontrollable shaking, more than likely. Mother had always been quite dramatic and I could guarantee that she would deliver nothing less than a spectacular show. It was imperative that she not be disappointed in me nor that she ever find cause to be ashamed, for I was her firstborn and perfect son. My sister, Gracie, married shortly after high school and now had three children and a husband with a beer gut who would rather spend his free time drinking beer with his buddies than being a father to my nephews. The youngest of our little clan was my brother, Ben, and he’d been in and out of jail and rehab since he was a teenager so the fact that I was the only hope for my parents to be proud also weighed heavily on my conscience. There was no way on God’s green earth that I would ever inflict that kind of emotional trauma on my mother so I was extra careful to not even allow my glance to linger over men for any length of time when she was in my presence. Though I only saw my parents once or twice a month, I was in constant contact with my mother over the phone and never found the right time to even think about bringing up the topic of discussion. She’d ask if I was dating and I’d lie and say that I was seeing someone or had just broken up with a cheerleader but in all actuality, I hadn’t been in a relationship since high school when I was seeing Angela Cole and if not for her brother, Greg, I’d have never given her a second thought.
It was while spending time with Angela, who was not allowed to leave the house with me unless her brother tagged along, so she was the perfect girlfriend for me. Sex with her was never an option for me, for I preferred to spend our time checking out Greg’s wonderful smile and newly developed muscles. Observing and watching him as we would swim or hang out in the park is when I realized that the thoughts and hidden desires I harbored deep within were more than passing ideas but more of an abysmal need for male companionship. He graduated a year before we did and even though I didn’t want to really spend time with Angie without him, I remained her boyfriend until she cheated on me for not having sex with her. She had decided that she wanted to take our relationship to the next level but I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea and though it hurt my reputation as a stud, I found peace in the fact that I was viewed as a gentleman amongst my peers. Most would say that in itself was an indication of being gay, for most of the boys in my class seemed to be fueled by the scent of the adolescent female.
Chapter Three
Parties were just one of the small perks that came along with my lifestyle and even though I didn’t drink to excess, I was known to throw back a few when I wasn’t in training. Since the big game was less than a week away, I decided against putting anything into my body that wasn’t going to assist my performance. Being a well-oiled machine took a lot of diligence and if I started letting things slip it was only a matter of time before I woke up looking like my sister’s husband and that was something that I simply could not allow.
“Hey, Chad. Good game yesterday. You gonna be ready for next week?”
The man under the ten-gallon hat was one of the team’s sponsors, oil tycoon turned sporting goods store owner, Hank Hudson. He liked whiskey and women but there was nothing he loved more than money and judging by the shine I hated schmoozing at these functions and wished that I could disappear into the crowd then out the door.
“Oh, yes, sir. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.” With my winning smile, I boasted about how I could taste the win on the tip of my tongue and as he slapped me on the shoulder, the portly man under the cowboy hat walked off laughing, raising his glass in the air as he said,
“I know where I’m putting my money next Sunday, that’s for sure.”
His eyes were a deep cerulean and I noticed from across the room the way he seemed to captivate those around him. I knew that I had to get close to him but I couldn’t risk anyone seeing my attraction, so I stood with my beer in my hand and continued to silently scope the room. The more I glanced in the direction of this intriguing stranger, the more I felt pulled toward him and my eyes couldn’t avoid him no matter how hard I tried. He was tall but not athletically built and his hair was dark with blond, highlighted tips. I watched as he made his way to the back of the room where sat a deejay booth and stepped up to the man currently spinning and the two exchanged positions and my crush took the oversized headphones and placed them on his head. He moved in beat with the music that blared through the speakers and the entire vibe of the party seemed to change with his arrival. People seemed to know who he was and glad to see him so when the crowd burst into applause, I clapped and welcomed him to the stage, so to speak.
“It’s great to be here with you tonight in honor of my boys! Drillers, you guys made me a lot of money on last night’s game and I appreciate that! Spinning the latest and greatest beats, I’m DJ Dominic and I’ll be with you till you can't stand anymore so let’s get this party started!” He was met with a roar of applause but I could do nothing but stare at him, wondering how someone so beautiful could be in the same room as myself and I took a moment to enjoy his features. Getting caught admiring him was the last thing I needed, so I nonchalantly turned as I sipped my beer and faced the bar, emptying the bottle before placing it onto the granite countertop. Nodding to the bartender that I would like another, I allowed my gaze to return to the handsome stranger across the room but dared not make a move on him. There were lines that couldn’t be crossed and flirting with the deejay hired for the team party was definitely something that shouldn’t be done.
“Here you go, man.” I turned back around to see that the college-aged bartender had sat another beer down for me and I nodded and thanked him as I picked it up and placed it to my lips. It was agony to be in a room full of seemingly available men and not be able to act upon my urges to try and find love. Love wasn’t necessarily what I needed in my life but I could do with a boyfriend who likes me a lot. I don’t need much but I was denying myself the very basic of human needs and that was companionship. Until I could come forward with the truth, I simply couldn’t allow reality to take control. Remaining in the darkness is how my desire lived and sang its heart song, wishing to be free to experience life as I’d only seen on television. Was it so wrong that I just wanted to be with someone that was not a female? Just because I wouldn’t be able to fertilize an egg with a male lover was no reason for me to have to go without a lover at all and I just wish my parents could see that I’m no different than anyone else.
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Taking a cue from the “Keep it in the closet” playbook, I decided to sneak outside and disappear to my vehicle without being noticed. It was all fun and good but the reality that there was no chance I’d find a date or even someone with whom I wanted to have a meaningful conversation, it was best that I just leave. Sure, I could probably take one of these vapid bimbos home with me but I’ve had about as much female nudity as I can stand and I wasn’t in the mood to fend off feminine advances. The party had come to the point where everyone was slightly inebriated and I’d spent enough time to make my presence known. I’d hit a liquor store on my way home and grab a bottle before heading to my lonely, lavish domicile where I would take shots until I decided to go to sleep. It seemed like as good a plan as any, so as I pulled out of the driveway, I steered towards the closest establishment where I could purchase strong spirits and drown myself in a sea of pity and self-loathing. Sure, I could have waited on the cute deejay to finish his set and strike up some sort of conversation but I couldn’t risk anyone seeing the hidden desire in my eyes. There was no way that I’d be able to speak to him without blushing and showing every thought in my head right there on my face. I’d surely be discovered by the dreamy stare in my eyes, so the best course of action would be for me to just leave before doing something that I lived to regret.
There were times when I felt like saying screw everything and just go for what I want, telling myself that those who loved me would understand and only want me to be happy. I would imagine the world where I could find true love and be accepted by my family and peers so that we could live a normal life together with picnics and barbecues on Sunday with the folks but I knew that there was no alternate reality where my happiness came before the duty that I felt towards my parents.
The son of a poor farmer and daughter of a single mother seemed to dive into this world and make something of themselves and I’d be damned if I was the one who ruined their happiness. My parents had a grand vision for their lives and those of their family and since my brother and sister had already disappointed them enough. I couldn’t be the one to put the final nail in my mother’s coffin and bury her hope forever so instead, I live this life that they made for me, filled with sports, cars and women that I didn’t want.
Chapter Four
“I don’t know why you can’t just find a nice woman and settle down, that’s all I’m saying.” My mother looked down her nose as she stirred the batter for a cake that she was making for one of her church groups. With a sigh and forced smile, I patted her back and kissed her cheek,
“There’s not a woman alive who can keep me on my toes as well as you, mother.” She liked to hear things like that, ensuring that she was the only woman in my life until I found the elusive “One” and until said woman enters my life, the only female in my life was my dear mother. It had to be this way or else she’d feel abandoned and neglected by her firstborn, a guilt trip that she held over my head on a regular basis. Sometimes, I felt as if the only reason she had other children after me was just so that she would have someone to compare me to, with her constant praise and pride shoved in everyone’s face. I knew that the reason my brother disappeared into his own world was because he felt as if he’d never even been seen by my parents and that all their attention had been reserved for me. The more he acted out, the more they pushed him away when all he wanted was for them to reach out to him and let him know that they loved him. He’d once told me,
“I’m not you, Chad. I can’t throw a football, I’m not into sports, I can’t flash my fucking pearly whites and get mom and dad to just forget everything wrong I’ve ever done. It’s like you’re this perfect son and I’m the leftovers that got left behind in the womb.”
He was reaching out to me but I was too busy protecting my parents, telling him that he was overreacting and imagining everything. I knew that he wasn’t making up the fact that my parents treated him as if he were the child they never meant to have, which may have actually been the case now that I was an adult looking back on my childhood. Ben never complained to the folks as a child, for he rather enjoyed being the invisible offspring because it allowed him to do the things he wanted and he was usually found in the backyard in a tree or in the woods near the back of the property. He’d taken to being alone since he was young and I had never really gotten used to it until recently when I discovered that I couldn’t be intimate in the way I needed to be with women and I couldn’t enjoy the private company of a man without fear of my secret being uncovered.
“Have you heard from Ben lately?” I asked my mother but she only rolled her eyes and waved off my question with a flick of her hand as she replied,
“That boy is going to be the death of me. Of course, I’ve heard from him, he’s in trouble again and needed help but I’m simply all out of favors for that child.” My brother was usually in some form of conflict, so I didn’t even bother to ask what he’d gotten himself into. Watching my mother tool around her kitchen brought back many childhood memories that were actually pleasant, for I could almost smell the baking of cookies that she would prepare when we were young.
I often wished that my childhood hadn’t blessed me with agility and athleticism, rather the artistic and musical talents that my sister had gained from my mother. She could draw anything in her imagination and learned to play the flute at the age of eight but all I was good at was running fast and throwing hard. It seems a bit ironic to bless me with the body to attract any woman I wanted with only the desire to tell her that her top doesn’t match her shoes and her brother is more my style. Oh, the twisted world in which we live and the amazing sense of humor that resided in its creator.
“You remember the Taylor’s next door, don’t you?” I nodded my head as I popped a pretzel into my mouth and closed my teeth down on the salty treat. “Well, their daughter Alice came home last weekend and completely destroyed them. I don’t know what’s gotten into people these days, Chad, I mean it.” Shaking her head, my mother frowned as she placed her hands on the counter across the bar from where I sat on a swiveling stool.
“What’s happened, mother? I hope everything is alright.” My mother looked into my eyes as she whispered,
“She’s a lesbian.” Looking around the kitchen as if someone may hear her, she returned her gaze to meet my eyes as she continued. “Can you believe that? Alice! You took her to the prom senior year, for crying out loud. I wonder what kind of trouble she’s gotten herself into that a decent man won’t even have her. I’m telling you, Chad, I’m so glad you came out normal.” The smile on her face broke my heart as I forced a look of an agreeable nature to my lips.
“You just never know about some people, I suppose.” Obviously, I’d known that Alice was a lesbian because I did, in fact, take her to prom but if my mother would remember back to the time when this occurred, I’d not been dating and neither had Alice so our mothers arranged our outing. There was never a hint of attraction between us and I even picked up on the fact that her eyes wandered to the young ladies’ breasts more than any boy in the room. If she realized that I was gay, Alice Taylor kept it to herself and didn’t try to out me and I can only assume it’s because she feared I’d do the same to her in return, which I would never do.
“I don’t know how they are handling such an atrocity in their own family. Thank the lord I was blessed with good children. Even though your brother and sister may have strayed from their path, at least they aren’t homosexuals.” As she made a sound of disgust, I felt my stomach churn with the feeling that I may vomit all over my mother’s granite counter tops. There was no way that I could ever come out to her and have her say horrible things about me, knowing that I’d failed her and that she thought me repulsive.
“Well, mother, judge not lest ye be judged yourself, so sayeth the good book.” She hated when I turned that one against her but then she shot right back with,
“If a man lieth with man as with woman, both are an abomination. Don’t use scripture against me, son, for I kn
ow it like the back of my hand and in the kingdom of the holy father, there is no room for the gays.” She opened the refrigerator and retrieved two eggs, which she cracked on the side of her large blue and white mixing bowl.
I couldn’t believe that the lord that I’d worshiped all my life hated me simply for who I chose to love or not love but I was in no mood to fight with my mother nor did I want her to grow suspicious. Folding my hands in front of me, I smiled at my mother as I whispered,
“No room for the gays.”
Chapter Five
Super Bowl Sunday came and as the crowd roared around us, all I could think about was getting my team into the end zone as many times as possible in the remaining seven minutes of the game. We led by twelve points, so there was still a chance that the Bucks could pull out a few tricks and snag the win. It was imperative that I remain on top of my game and as I took the ball into my hands, took three steps back and found my receiver, I shot it halfway across the field, directly into his hands and watched him run across the goal line. A few more minutes of play like that and we would once again be the top team in the league and I would have another year of having to meticulously watch my every move. I managed to remain focused long enough to throw a few more successful passes and as the clock counted down to one, I felt the pride and rush of the big win along with the pressure of reporters and paparazzi watching my every move.