Romance: Sports Romance: ON SIDE (Secret Baby Pregnancy Football Romance) (Contemporary New Adult Fiction)

by Raven Monet

  My muscles ached by the time I got done with the butterfly press and as I leaned over to rest my aching shoulders, sweat dripped from my brow in sheets and I noticed how soft I’d allowed my body to become during my vacation. It wasn’t like me to let myself go but during my time in Italy, the last thing on my mind was exercise other than that which I was getting in Mateo’s bed. Lifting my head to look into the mirrored wall across from my row of exercise equipment, I stared into the face of a man that looked so lost and confused and there was no other word for my reflection other than pathetic. I couldn’t even face myself and the reality of who I was so how was I supposed to expect anyone else to? Spiraling back to the place where I was the night I played chicken with myself in the truck was not what I needed to do but without Mateo at my side after knowing how wonderful it feels to have someone. If I’d have never met him I would probably be better off than I was in that moment and I’d never disagreed with the old, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” adage. Thoughts of ending it all once again returned to my mind but instead of letting myself get led down a dark path, I focused my energy on push-ups.

  I’d focus on upper body for now then switch up and work my legs, alternating so that my muscles would grow and strengthen properly. It was important for me to remain in shape and I continually scolded myself over the weeks after my return from Italy.

  While I was abroad, I’d let Mateo show me a few things on the internet since I’d never given it much time and he’d set me up with a NetPix account. The site allowed the user to share pictures and thoughts with people who followed them and I’d used an assumed name to keep some semblance of anonymity since I wasn’t posting photographs of myself but mostly using it to gain some insight into the world that I wasn’t allowed to enter. He set me up on a page for gay men and I’d acquired twenty-seven friends so far but I followed over a thousand different people of various backgrounds, sexual orientation, and nationalities. I’d become quite enthralled with the cyber world that allowed me to be myself behind the alias of a pseudonym while living vicariously through the images on my screen. I’d not given any thought to reaching out to anyone or starting a conversation because there was no way I could ever meet in person so it was not even worth starting. As I flipped through the images of some of the accounts, my mind went back to the first night I went to the club in Tuscany as soon as I saw the familiar backgrounds in some images on a particular account. The lights on the wall and the deejay booth all brought back the night when I met Mateo and my heart pounded in my chest when I saw him in one of the photos. What made my stomach tie in knots was the fact that he had his arms wrapped passionately around a man whose wardrobe, build and face all looked uncannily familiar to myself. Doing a double take, I realized that the photo was taken when we shared our first kiss and the caption read:

  “Mateo and New Toy”

  That about summed it all up. The risk that someone would recognize me was very high at this point for it was a very popular site in America and it would only be a matter of time before I was spotted, recognized and outed. If this picture was seen by just one person who recognized me, my entire world would be turned upside down, including my family, friends, and career as a professional athlete. Sure, other players have come out and it was always a huge media frenzy and I tried my best to stay off the front page of tabloids. The last thing I wanted was for the title to read about my love life but I didn’t know what to do about it. Should I contact the team’s publicist and try to squash any rumors before they began or let nature take its course and allow things to happen the way they were meant to? Maybe this was a sign that I was supposed to free myself from this prison in which I lived and finally live my life in happiness. It could also be an indication that I had made a huge mistake while I was on vacation that could have potentially proven to be catastrophic. I was in a panic, thinking about the possible ramifications of my mindless romp while away from my own little world and I realized that things had become far worse than I expected instead of better like I’d hoped.

  I was faced with one of the toughest decisions of my life and now that it was imminent, the choice to come out of my heavily guarded closet was scaring the shit out of me. The option to completely deny that it was me in the photo was out of the question since my face was clearly recognizable and a man of my size and stature is rarely mistaken. Perhaps, since it was a European site, the chances of it reaching the states would be minimal. If I went forward for damage control, I’d have to come out about my sexuality, at least to my publicist and team and that’s not something that I wasn’t sure I was ready to face because as private as I’d want to keep it, eventually it would be exposed.

  Since my time with Mateo, I realized what I was missing out on my keeping myself hidden in the shadows but I also knew what such a truth would do to those I loved. If they loved me as much as they claimed, they should be able to accept me no matter what but that simply wasn’t the case. My parents would never understand why I couldn’t be what they wanted, no matter how hard I tried. I had forced myself to have sex with women but it was not enjoyable nor did I climax but with Mateo, I’d not been able to get enough of his touch and reached new and amazing heights. The only person hurting by keeping the secret was me but if it came out, everyone who knew me would be disappointed and ashamed. No way on earth could I do that to my family and friends and I had to figure out how to deny any allegations that may come of this, for I just wasn’t ready to face the truth once I’d stepped back into my own life. I yearned for love and the bond that comes from a union of hearts, minds and bodies like I’d had when I was on vacation and if there was a chance that I could find happiness, I deserved it to let myself at least try. Why couldn’t I make up my mind and decide to be happy, throw caution to the wind and live my life? I was a good boy, that’s why.

  “That’s mommy’s good boy, do what’s right and behave. Always be mommy’s good boy”

  The words rang in my ears as if my mother were standing behind me, yelling them into a bullhorn directly into my head. I’d heard them all my life and my parents were so wonderful that I couldn’t be the one to finally break their hearts. In their eyes, I was their only hope for a child that wasn’t a complete failure and if I were to reveal to them that I was gay, it would destroy whatever hope they had for a “normal” family. If I wanted some sort of a normal life, I would have to make some hard decisions and break my mother’s heart but if she loved me the way she claimed, she would have no choice but to love me regardless of who I loved. In a perfect world, I’d be able to tell my parents that I had no urge to date, be with or love any woman on the face of the world and they’d understand and I would have to take that chance if I wanted any kind of happiness. I’d have to.

  Chapter Nine

  I’d planned to begin training for the next season in three days and I couldn’t be more ready to get back into the swing of things and return things to as normal as possible. When I was training, I could let my mind concentrate only on my body and what it had to do instead of everything else that seemed to plague me. My mother had invited me over for a barbecue that she and my father were having and I told her that I would attend, so I stopped off and grabbed another case of beer so that I wouldn’t show up empty handed. I wasn’t really the potato salad type and I knew that my mother would have more than enough food but there was never enough beer if you ask me. Being around other people would help bring me out of the funk that I was in ever since I'd returned from my trip and for the first time in a while, I looked forward to the company of others. I was excited to have a conversation with someone other than myself or the man who showed me both the joys and pains of love, for since I'd been back in the states all I'd really done is watch television and workout. Calling my parents hadn't even been on my list of things to do so I was more than pleased to receive my father's invitation.

  Walking into my parent's backyard through the side gate, I immediately felt at home and comforted by the sight
of all the people that I'd grown to love in my life. Neighbors that I'd known all my life, childhood friends that were now parents and the parents that loved and raised me were all in one place and the overwhelming feeling of unity almost made my heart swell with pride. I knew that every, single one of these people loved me but I wasn't sure how many of them would still feel the same way if I walked in and announced that I was a homosexual. This wasn't the place for that kind of proclamation so I would keep it to myself and enjoy the day with my loved ones.

  "Well, look what the cat dragged in!" My father announced from his position behind the grill and most everyone looked up and greeted me with a verbal hello or a wave and I went to the kitchen to place the beer in the refrigerator. My mother was cutting fresh fruit for a snack tray so I kissed her on her soft cheek as I walked past.

  "There's my son, you look so handsome today. I think Italy did you some good." I smiled as I recalled the fun that I'd had while I was away but turned from her so that she wouldn't see the pain in my eyes as I thought about Mateo.

  "I think so too, mom, I really got to clear my head a bit and get some time to myself. You have no idea how valuable that is to me." She smiled and I forced one in return before asking if she needed any help.

  "No, sweetheart, I've got it all under control. Just go on outside with the boys and do whatever it is you do. I've got Mary Alice and Janine to keep me company but they ran to the store for chip and dips. Go on, now." My mother smiled at me as she basically shoved me out the door so I did as she asked and joined the men outside by the pool. Most of the faces I recognized but there were a few that were new to me so I made sure to go around and introduce myself. As I was talking to one of the neighbors, Elton Bailey, he waved to someone who I'd missed while making my introductory rounds.

  "Chad, I want you to meet my nephew, Jason. He's been staying with Clara and me for a few weeks while looking for a new place." I extended my hand to the tall, handsome nephew of my neighbor and when his hand touched mine, I felt a jolt of energy in my soul that I hadn't felt since the first time I touched Mateo. The chances that this masculine, ruggedly handsome man with electric blue eyes was gay but that didn't stop me from being attracted to him. I tried not to let it show on my face but I was sure that the blush on my cheeks was going to give me away at some point if I didn't do something.

  "It's nice to meet you, Jason and I see that you're empty handed. Want a beer?" I nodded to the cooler that was sitting beside my father and the grill that I knew would be fully stocked. The case that I’d brought over would come in handy in a couple hours after everyone had become too tipsy to drive to the store for more. I’d attended my father’s outdoor functions all my life and as I reached into the faded red cooler that he’d had for years, I was flooded with years of memories that seemed to all be associated with the smell of burning charcoal briquettes.

  “Thanks, man.” Jason smiled as I handed him a beer before grabbing one for myself, opening it and taking a sip. I nodded to the lawn furniture located at the far end of the pool and asked if he wanted to join me. Walking past my Aunt Linda, Uncle Frank and neighbors, the Winslows, Jason and I smiled and greeted them on our way to the table with the large, red umbrella.

  “So, where are you from?” I asked, hoping to strike up a pleasant conversation with him without giving away the fact that I wanted to run my hands all over his body. My urges had become more intense since returning home and I think that had a lot to do with the fact that I finally knew what I was missing and wanted more, so much more.

  “Ohio.” I raised my eyebrows and gave him a look that he read immediately and he began to laugh. “Yeah, I know. Ohio sucks so that’s why I decided to come to Texas and give it a shot, see what’s out here for me and try and start a new life while I’m still young enough.” He took a sip of his cold beverage and I watched as the muscles in his arm rippled as he raised it to lift the beer to his plump lips.

  “It’s never too late to start over.” I replied to him as I mimicked his actions, allowing the cold, amber liquid to run down my throat before placing my beer on the lawn table. Unaware if he realized who I was or not, I decided not to bring it up and just let myself be Chad, son of his aunt’s neighbor and general random guy. Jason crossed his legs, placing his left knee over his right and as he did, he made eye contact with me that seemed a bit flirtatious.

  He carried himself well, as if any straight man would and he didn’t speak in a way that suggested he may be homosexual but then again, neither did I. Hoping that he was making sexy eyes at me was the last thing I needed in my life but there was something about the way he held my attention with a simple glance that had me completely mesmerized.

  Chapter Ten

  Jason and I sat for at least an hour talking due to the fact that my mother was keeping a steady eye on us and brought over beer whenever our bottles were empty so that she could take them with her. She was a real stickler for making sure that no messes were left behind after a party so she was notorious for walking around with a trash bag and collecting what she could. While my mother tidied and father flipped meats, I sat with Jason and talked while our back yard buzzed with the conversation of our closest friends and family. The more we spoke, the closer I felt to him and realized how lonely I’d been since I returned home. I was grateful for his conversation and when he looked into my eyes when he asked,

  “So, are you dating anyone?” I had a pretty good idea that he was asking because he was interested.

  “No, not really. I was seeing someone while I was in Italy but it didn’t work out with the distance and all.” It sounded as legitimate an answer as any without giving away too much of myself. Maintaining eye contact with him, letting him know without saying a word that there was a possibility that the two of us could get to know each other better if that’s what he wanted, I returned the question and he said,

  “My boyfriend and I broke up last month and I haven’t found anything serious since.” He pulled his beer slowly to his lips as he raised an eyebrow, inviting me in with his body language but I had to maintain the proper façade due to our surrounding company.

  “Maybe you just haven’t been looking in the right places.” He smiled as he placed his beer on the table and said,

  “Perhaps all I’ve had to do is look right next door,” he said with a hint of a smile but I had to make sure my folks didn’t see the sexual tension or flirtation between us so I whispered,

  “If only what you were looking for were public with the information in his heart.” Giving me a knowing glance, he slowly nodded his head and said,

  “You have no idea how freeing it is to finally let go of that. I worried for so long that my world would explode but it never did. If my parents were still alive, they would have fully supported me and I’m glad that my family is so understanding. It’s probably not as bad as you think it is, Chad.” I sighed, for I wished I could reach out and touch his hand or place my hand on his knee but this was not the time nor place for me to bombard my parents with my gayness.

  “I wish you were right but my parents are very vocal about their,” lowering my voice to a whisper, I continued, “hatred for the gays.” He let out a boisterous laugh, causing a few of the guests to turn their heads towards us to see what we were talking about then lowered his voice back to normal and said,

  “I think we need some tequila. Feel like driving me to the store?” His eyes said that the store and liquor were the farthest things on his mind and the way he was staring into my soul was causing me to melt.

  “Tequila is just what the doctor ordered, I do believe.” Finishing off my beer, I rose to my feet and the two of us walked towards my mother to drop our empties into her trash bag.

  “We’re going to the liquor store, be back in a few minutes.” My mother’s eyes widened as she protested,

  “But you’ve been drinking, it’s not responsible, Chad. What if you get caught?” I waved her off with a flip of my wrist as I headed to the gate and replied,

/>   “I’m fine, mother, be right back,” and walked to my pickup. My heart leaped into my chest as I thought of stealing a kiss from Jason but I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries in case that’s not where his mind was headed. Acting as if we’d been friends forever, we went to my vehicle without the slightest hint of sexual tension or at least I was trying my best. I was pretty sure that he was flirting with me but wondered if I should indulge his advances if he made any. So far, it was only some eye contact and an inviting vibe and the idea for us to be alone was his and I couldn’t deny that I was a bit nervous.

  “Tequila isn’t really what I had in mind.” His words seemed to freeze me right in my tracks as my hand rested on the key, unable to turn until I took in a deep breath and replied,

  “Oh, yeah? What was it you wanted to talk about then?” I looked to him as my wrist twisted and the engine roared to life.