by Twyla Turner
She searches through her jewelry box and then walks into her closet. She pulls down every box from the top shelf and starts digging through those too.
“I know it’s here somewhere,” she says to herself.
She flips the lid off a shoebox and finally finds what she was looking for. The gift that her mother had left for her that terrible Christmas Eve night. She’d never unwrapped it. Never knew what was in it. Didn’t want to know, honestly. Not until now.
Kari quickly unwraps the gift. The twenty-two-year-old paper falls away like dried leaves. She then cracks open the small jewelry box. Inside is a gold necklace with an intricately carved circle locket. Her hand trembles as she pops open the locket. Tears fill her eyes, clouding her vision. She swipes at them to look down at her favorite picture of her and her mother when she was only five. On the other side is an engraved message. The phrase that her mother used to say to her all the time.
To the moon and back…
A broken sob bursts from her lips. With shaky hands, Kari clasps the chain around her neck. Regret and guilt eat at her. So many years of anger for nothing. And it’s all her doing.
She can’t fault her mom for any of it. Taryn has called and left messages for every birthday and major holiday. When Kari got married, she’d even refused to invite her mother. Yet Taryn had sent her a wedding gift that Kari gave away to charity. All of it for spite. Little did she know at the time, it was she who was cutting off her own nose.
She had been young, stupid, and jealous. Etienne had been the most gorgeous and interesting man she’d ever met at that point in her life. She’d wanted him more than anything. And it stuck in her craw that he could possibly want her mother over her. She’d been disgusted that her mother was dating someone around her age.
Once the anger wore off after a few years, shame kept her away from her mother. She was…is so embarrassed by her behavior back then, that she didn’t know how to heal the rift between them. So, it is her foolish pride that kept them apart.
Now that Kari found herself in her mother’s same situation, a divorce on the horizon, it was her who needed her mother. Not the other way around.
“I’m so sorry,” she says to the empty room.
Chapter 20
On the flight back to Nice, Etienne entertains a toddler across the aisle from us. The little boy had been crying and screaming, driving all the passengers crazy. Etienne didn’t even seem fazed and is now playing a game of peekaboo with him. The parents look on gratefully.
I can’t deny his bond with children anymore, even if I tried. I stay quiet most of the flight and in the taxi back to his place. The conversation I need to have with him plays in my head over and over until it’s all I can think about. Filling me with a type of melancholy, I’ve never felt before, over what I have to do.
We walk into his loft, and Etienne drops the luggage next to one of his couches. He stretches before walking into the kitchen.
“Well, I do not have any food in here to eat,” he says looking in the fridge. “Do you want to go out to eat or order in?”
“Mmm…” I hum noncommittally as I look out the window at the setting sun.
I glance back at him, and he looks at me worriedly. He slowly walks forward. I look up at him as he cups my face and brushes his thumb across my cheek.
“What’s wrong? You have been quiet since we got on the plane.”
“Do you want children?” The question falls from my lips.
“Yes,” he says nervously.
“Etienne, I can’t have children.”
“What do you mean? You have a daughter, and plenty of older women have children.”
“No, I can’t. Not anymore.” I walk away from him, unable to think clearly with him looking at me so intently. “I had a partial hysterectomy several years ago. Complications from fibroid tumors. I can’t give you what you want or what you deserve.”
“Then I do not have to have children.”
“No, don’t do that. Don’t talk yourself out of something that you know you want. I’ve seen the way you are with children. They love you, and you love them. Being a father would be just like breathing for you.”
“No, being with you is like air to me. It is the only way I can breathe.”
He starts to walk towards me. I hold out my hands, signaling him to stop.
“Etienne, just let me do this.”
It’s better to rip off the bandage now.
“No, I will not allow it. I will not let you walk away from me, Taryn.”
“I have to.” My vision blurs.
“We could… We could adopt.” He desperately searches for solutions to delay the inevitable.
“It wouldn’t be fair for me take away the experience of watching your own flesh and blood come into the world. I got to have the experience, and there’s nothing like it. I won’t take that from you.” My chest burns.
“Goddammit, Taryn! You cannot do this!”
He strides towards me and I back way. My back hits the wall, and he’s on me before I can move. He clasps my face in his large hands, and his mouth crashes onto mine. The kiss is hard and desperate. A sob breaks from his lips, and I catch it with my mouth. Tears spill down my face. I feel more drops hit my cheeks, and I realize that they belong to Etienne and mingle with my own.
I turn my face away, breaking the kiss. He presses his forehead against my temple. His warm breath fanning against my ear.
“Please do not do this.”
“I have to,” I say again. “I cannot stand the thought of you resenting me years from now.”
“I won’t.”
“Yes, you will.”
He doesn’t deny it again. He knows it’s true.
I pull away from him and walk over to my luggage. I grab my bags and look back at him. I wish I hadn’t. The dejected look on his face nearly makes me change my mind. His eyes are filled with so much heartbreak a sob bubbles up in my throat and chokes me. I’m ripping out my own heart by walking away from him. But it’s better to do it now than to wait another five years or so when he decides I can’t give him what he wants and walks away anyway. I couldn’t take it.
“Bye, Etienne.” I walk to the door and open it. I hesitate and turn slightly towards him, but can’t bring myself to look at him again. Otherwise, I’ll change my mind. “Don’t follow me.”
I walk through the door and close it. The moment I’m out of his sight, my whole body starts to shake with emotion. I press a hand to my mouth, trying to stifle my sobs. My face is hot, my heart squeezes tightly, and my breath comes erratically.
This hurts so much worse than finding out my husband was cheating on me. Because for the first time in my life, I truly fell in love.
I run down and out his building as if the flames of hell are licking at my heels.
~~~
“Chérie, forgive me for saying this, but you look like shit,” Raquel says as I walk into her flat the next day.
I start to laugh, but my laughter quickly turns into tears. My shoulders shake with them.
“Oh my God! I was just joking. I’m so sorry.” Raquel says as she leads me to her living room where Tiffani is waiting.
“It’s n-not you,” I hiccup.
“Aw, Ryn, what’s wrong?” Tiffani rubs my back as I sit next to her on the couch.
“I broke up with Etienne.”
“Oh no! Why, ma chére?”
Raquel sits in front of me on the coffee table and leans forward placing her hand on my leg.
“H-He wants children and I can’t g-give him that.”
“Did he want to break up too?” Tiffani asks.
“No.”
“Then why would you end it?” Raquel asks.
“B-Because he really wants kids. He says he’s fine without, b-but I know eventually he will resent me. You’d understand if you saw him with children. He’s made to be a father. And I can’t be that selfish.” I wipe my eyes.
“Well, it must be true. I could never see you break
ing up with him for something that is not important.” Raquel pats my leg consolingly.
“I wouldn’t. I love everything about him. But I also love him enough to let him go so that he can have the life I know he wants.”
“But are you sure you should make up his mind for him?” Tiffani asks, unconvinced.
“Yes, I’m sure. I’ve seen the look on a man’s face when he’s fallen out of love with you. He doesn’t even have to say it. Instead of the warmth that was once there, there’s nothing but cold blank stares. I could handle that with Daryl. I’d pretty much fallen out of the love with him too. But Etienne is the love of my life. If I saw that cold look in his eyes, it would kill me.” I press a hand to my chest, hurting just thinking about it.
When he looked at me, it was as if I was the only thing that existed. Just thinking about seeing that look fade gives me nightmares.
“That makes sense.” Tiffani finally concedes.
“So, I don’t think I’ll be up for your New Year’s Eve party, Raquel.”
“Oh, no! You must come! Not just because I want you to be there. But because you cannot wallow alone at your place on New Years. It will be so much harder. Just come. Have some drinks. Fuck, get drunk if you must, ma chére! And after midnight, you can go home.”
“I don’t think so.” I shake my head.
“It is believed that however you spend New Year’s Eve is how you will spend the rest of the year. You do not want to bring in the new year alone and depressed. We will keep you entertained.” She leans forward and clasps my hands between hers. “Please, ma chérie.”
“Yeah, we’ll keep you busy.” Tiffani agrees.
“Fine.” I sigh. “But don’t invite Etienne. I don’t think I could handle seeing him.”
“He already knows about the party, but I doubt he will want to come. I will tell him that I canceled the party, just in case.”
“Thank you.” I fall back and sink down deeper into the couch. “I’m exhausted, and my eyes feel like raw meat. I couldn’t sleep last night, and I couldn’t stop crying.”
“Hold on,” Raquel says before she gets up and walks towards her bathroom.
The sound of water running travels down the hall. A moment later, she comes back into the room with a damp washcloth.
“Here, put this on your eyes.”
I take the cold towel and place it over my tender eyelids.
“So…how did it go back home?” Tiffani asks.
I pull down the towel slightly to look at the two of them.
“I hope you’re ready for some serious drama.”
“Ooh! That good?” Raquel leans forward eagerly.
“Uh yeah. It ends with Etienne punching my ex in the jaw.”
Tiffani and Raquel look at each other in shock and then turn back to me.
“Spill it, woman.” Tiffani orders.
“Well…”
Chapter 21
I stare at myself in Raquel’s bathroom mirror. I look glamorous and sad. Definitely an odd combination.
Raquel had ordered me to arrive freshly showered and dressed in something comfortable an hour before her party started. When I got here, she’d pulled out a sparkly gold dress. Informing me that she’d saw it and thought I’d look great in it. So, she’d bought it for me. After I put it on, she sat me down in front of her vanity and applied my makeup. A smoky golden eye and shimmering lipstick to match. Tiffani arrived shortly after and helped me recreate the soft finger waves on the sides and back of my hair with the pin curls on top. Not as perfect as my hairdresser had done for Christmas Eve, but close.
“You look gorgeous, ma chérie!” Raquel claps happily.
“I have to agree,” Tiffani nods.
“Then why do I feel like shit?” I frown at my reflection.
“Because your heart is broken,” Tiffani says.
“But we will not let that stop you from living,” Raquel adds. “It is okay to be broken and live your life. That’s how you slowly fix it.”
“Agreed. We’ll be the tape that holds you together.” Tiffani smiles warmly at me.
“Thank you.” I look at them through the reflection in the mirror. “You know I love you guys, right?”
“We love you,” Raquel hugs me from behind.
Tiffani wraps her arms around both of us. They lean their heads on either side of mine, and I smile at them in the mirror.
“We look hot!” Tiffani exclaims.
“Oui!” Raquel agrees happily. “Now, let us show these people how to party.”
In an hour, Raquel’s place is packed with people. I’ve never known a person to have a more eclectic group of friends. All different races, ages, class levels, and personalities. When Raquel befriends someone, she doesn’t care who they are as long as they’re good people. Because of that, as well as some liquid courage, I find myself relaxing and enjoying myself a little. I only think of Etienne a couple hundred times instead of a thousand.
“Ah! My beautiful, Taryn. When will you give me a chance? I was made to love you.” Pierre greets me with air kisses to my cheeks.
“You were made to love many,” I smirk at him.
“Oh, you wound me.” He presses a hand to his heart. “I would give up all other women to be with you.”
“And I would hate to take the gift that is Pierre away from the masses of women who need love. Especially one in particular.” I pat his arm and turn him towards his most faithful admirer, Nicole.
She’s laughing happily in a deep discussion with Alain.
“She loves you, you know,” I whisper in his ear.
I figure if I can’t have my love, then someone ought to. Plus, Pierre is an idiot and completely blind to Nicole. And since he’s yet to pick up on the many hints Raquel and I, and everyone else have thrown at him. I figure I might as well hit him in the head with it.
“Mon Dieu!” My God! He blinks at her and then looks at me. “Really?”
“Yes, really. I can’t believe you’ve never noticed.”
As if she can sense our eyes on her, Nicole glances in our direction. Her eyes connect with Pierre’s. They’re filled with love and longing. She smiles softly and then looks away bashfully.
“See?” I say as I push him towards her.
He walks as if hypnotized towards her. I watch as he says something and she turns to him. He pulls her away to a private corner, and they continue their conversation. Her face is lit up like a Christmas tree, finally getting quality one-on-one time with her long-time crush.
“What did you do?” Raquel comes to stand beside me. Her eyes also on the pair chatting in the corner.
“I decided to play Cupid. He’s an idiot. And hints don’t work. So, I decided to bash him in the head with my arrow.”
“I think it worked.”
“Thank God. Someone deserves to be happy around here.” I turn to look at her.
Raquel gasps and turns me back around. “Look!”
Pierre is clasping Nicole’s face tightly as he kisses her passionately.
“Holy shit!” I say with my mouth hanging open.
“You did it!” Raquel clutches my arm. “If I’d have know telling him was all that it would take, I would have done it a long time ago. I just assumed he would figure it out eventually.”
“Yeah, maybe when he’s a decrepit old man, too old to do anything about it.”
“You are probably right. Well, let’s give them their privacy and fill up our glasses. There are some men who have been waiting to meet the woman in the gold dress.” She winks at me.
“You know I’m not ready for that yet.”
“Who says you need to date them or even fuck them? Flirt, darling. Chat. Laugh. It will ease the pain here,” she says as she places her palm over my heart.
I sigh, “Okay.”
As the clock ticks down to the new year, the melancholy settles into my bones. Tiffani and Jean Michel rock back and forth in each other’s arms in the area designated as the dance floor. They’re surrounded by
other amorous couples, ready to bring in the new year together. Right where I’d be if I hadn’t of ended things with Etienne. Raquel is well on her way to hooking up with a handsome man she’s set her eyes on. And I spend my time half listening to the conversation around me. Only engaging when someone speaks directly to me.
I don’t want to be here. And I most certainly don’t want to be here when the clock strikes midnight, and everyone is kissing their loved ones. I just want to go home, curl up in my bed, and never come out.
I place my glass on the table. I glance over at Raquel and Tiffani. They’re both occupied enough to not even notice if I slip out the party and go home.
I hurry through the sea of revelers and slip out the door unnoticed. I head down the hall to the elevator and hit the call button. The whirl of the elevator’s gears hums softly as it moves up floors. It pings its arrival, and the doors slide open.
Standing inside the elevator is the last person I expect to see.
“Etienne,” I breathe.
It’s apparent he wasn’t expecting me to be standing here either. His breath catches in his throat. His green irises radiate love and longing.
He’s not dressed for the party, he is obviously coming to crash. He’s in his favorite paint-stained, ripped jeans that he loves to wear when he’s creating. His white t-shirt is splotched with fresh paint under his leather jacket. His hair is up in a messy knot on top of his head, and paint is smeared on one cheek. As if he stopped mid-painting and drove straight over. He’s a mess. He’s perfect.
My feet are glued to the spot. I can’t move towards him. I can’t run away. He makes the decision for me.
The elevator doors begin to slide close. His hand shoots out to stop it, and with his other hand he grasps my arm and pulls me into the elevator.
“Tu as l'air beau.” You look beautiful. He says before pressing me up against the wall, cupping the sides of my face, lifting my lips up to his.